Dirty Little Secrets (20 page)

Vanessa's sister parked behind a long line of cars on the normally quiet street. Even inside the van we could hear music coming from a house halfway up the block. I felt a strange thrill run through me at the thought of Josh being so close. “I'm not getting the rest of my winter break wrecked because you need to be skinnier,” Kaylie said.

“Whatever,” Vanessa said and opened the door. “There's Tricia! Hey, I'll meet you guys up there.” She hopped out of the van as delicately as someone who is wearing a super-short miniskirt can. “Trish! Wait up!”

I watched Vanessa walk up the dimly lit street, her multihued blond hair waving behind her like a shimmering stream and the three-inch heels she was wearing not slowing her stride a bit. I envied Vanessa not because most of her butt was hanging out of her skirt—that just made me feel colder—but because she truly never cared what other people thought of her. She'd say something mean about someone, something that most everyone had probably been thinking, anyway, but the difference was she'd say it to their face. That kind of behavior didn't make people hate her like you'd think it would. Instead, it made most people hope that they weren't the one she was talking about. She had always left me pretty much alone. So far.

Kaylie wriggled out of the backseat and jumped to the ground. “Let's do it.”

I'd left the house so quickly I didn't have anything with me, and it made me feel kind of naked. I stuck my hands in my jacket pockets to warm them. Teddy B.'s leg was near the left pocket under my jacket, and I gave it a little squeeze for luck or courage or something.

I tried to be cool as we walked into the party. A few people I didn't recognize weren't so much dancing as swaying in the middle of the living room floor. One girl dressed in a pink sweater was draped over the shoulders of a short guy in saggy jeans. She looked like she was sleeping.

“Most people are probably out back,” Kaylie said, and, grabbing my hand, pulled me toward the sliding glass doors at one end of the room.

It was so cold outside that there were puffs of steam hovering just over everyone's heads as they exhaled. At the back of the patio on a small raised deck, Josh stood with a guitar slung low on his hips and one hand on the microphone. He was wearing a thin T-shirt and jeans, in contrast to everyone else who was bundled in down jackets and scarves. The muscles in his arms were marked by ropy veins that pulsed every time he played a chord on the guitar. Even from back here I could see the sweat dripping down the side of his temples, and the front of his hair was plastered to his forehead. There was a group of people gathered around the makeshift stage, with a bunch of girls lining the front. The waves of desire between the crowd and the band were almost physical as Josh began to sing, his eyes closed with the effort. All of a sudden I wished I hadn't come. Josh could have any girl here—why did I think he'd want me? That he had his arm around me just a few hours ago seemed suddenly impossible.

I felt like I did the one and only time we'd spoken at school earlier this year—stupid and delusional. I'd been standing by my locker shifting books out of my backpack when I saw him a few feet away talking to Steve Romero. I heard Steve slam his locker and walk away, which is why I was totally startled to see Josh still standing there as I turned to go to class.

“Hey,” he said, smiling at me, either not noticing or ignoring the fact that I jumped a mile. “We have physics together, don't we?”

“Mmm hmm.” I nodded. I didn't trust myself to say actual words.

“You're Lucy, right?” he said, not waiting for an answer. “I'm Josh. Josh Lee.”

“I kn—” I realized almost too late that “I know” would be kind of obvious. “Right,” I finally said, managing a tight smile. “Yeah, I'm Lucy. Tompkins.”

He turned to go and I stood there hyperventilating like an idiot, not believing we had an almost-conversation. After a few steps, he turned back to look at me. “Come on,” he said. “We'd better hurry if we're going to make it before the bell.”

I took a few quick steps to catch up to him. “Right,” I said. “Physics.” Our strides matched as we walked down the hall, me racking my brain trying to come up with something interesting to say. Luckily, Josh didn't seem to have the same problem.

“God, Ms. Lucas is killing me this year,” he said. “I thought chemistry was bad, but sometimes it's like she's speaking another language.”

“It's not so hard,” I said. Art was my favorite subject, but I always did pretty well in science too. I watched our feet as they stretched over the worn linoleum floor, not daring to look up into his face. “She usually explains things pretty well. Plus, physics is kind of fun if you look at it the right way.”

“Are you kidding me?” Josh asked. “Fun? No wonder you're always getting As. We should study together sometime, just so I don't screw up my GPA. Then you can show me how physics is fun.”

I glanced up to see if he was kidding, but he was looking at me seriously out of the corner of his eye. “Um, we could do that,” I said. “That would be cool.” I couldn't believe that Josh Lee was actually walking through the hall asking me to help him with physics. Maybe we could go to the café and study, our heads bent over one of the tiny round tables as we ordered coffee after coffee to keep us working until late at night.

Josh's smile widened. “Maybe—”

“There you are!” Cara squealed, jumping on his back and draping her arms over his shoulders. “I've been looking all over for you.” She buried her face in his neck, and I just stared, wishing so badly I had permission to do the same thing.

He reached up and grabbed her by the arms. “Hey, Cara,” he said, laughing a little. “We were just heading to class.”

Cara slid off his back. “We?” she asked.

“Yeah.” He nodded in my direction. “You know Lucy?”

She glanced at me for a second longer than necessary and said, “Um, not really.” Cara turned her full attention to Josh. “Listen, I need to talk to you about Friday night.” She pulled him over to the lockers and leaned in so they could talk quietly, leaving me standing alone in the stream of people heading to class. I watched for a second as they surrounded themselves with the privacy that only long-time couples seem to have—studying each other, oblivious to everyone else around them.

“Well,” I said quietly and sighed. “Guess I'll see you in class.” I walked slowly toward the science wing, feeling like an idiot but also grateful that I hadn't made a complete ass of myself. Like Josh would ever choose me over Cara. Or over anyone.

Now here I was doing the same thing again—having crazy fantasies about Josh when he was just being polite. Kaylie stood on her tiptoes surveying the crowd. “I think I see Steve over to the right.”

“I'm freezing,” I said. “I'm going back inside.” I wanted to get out of there before Josh knew I'd come. I couldn't compete with all of the normal girls in school—there was no use even trying.

“What's inside?” Kaylie asked. “All the good stuff is out here.” She looked at me and then back to the band. “What you need is some beer. Wait here, I'll be right back.”

With the crowd around the keg as huge as it was, I figured she'd be gone for ages, but she was back in a minute or two.

“Here,” she said, handing me a blue plastic cup. “Careful, it's a little drippy.”

“How did you do that so fast?”

“I have my ways,” she said. She looked over my shoulder to see if Steve was still there. I wished I could be more like her and look straight at what I wanted. And navigate a keg in under two minutes. “Drink it quick. It'll relax you.”

I took a tentative sip of the beer. It tasted like vomit. I tried hard not to wrinkle my nose in disgust.

“Is it bad?” Kaylie asked. I handed her the beer and she took a small sip. “Just like them to get a keg full of crap beer.” She handed it back to me. “Doesn't matter, though, it'll do the trick.”

Vanessa and Tricia came over with their own matching blue plastic cups. The beer was cold and my hand was getting numb. They should give you those cardboard sleeves like they do at Sienna when the coffee is too hot for the cup.

“Cheers!” Vanessa said, and raised her cup in the air before taking a giant swig. She didn't even make a face when she was done.

“Are we checking out anyone in particular?” Tricia asked. Her skirt was almost as short as Vanessa's, but at least she had the decency to shiver and cross her arms in front of her as she tried to ward off the cold wind that cut through the yard.

Vanessa laughed. “Apparently Miss Lucy here has a thing going with Josh Lee.”

Tricia raised her eyebrows. “I knew that he'd broken up with Cara—were you his thing on the side?”

“No way!” Kaylie answered for me. “Get real. Lucy doesn't have to go for sloppy seconds. Josh asked her to come to the party. He's totally into her.”

“If he's so into her, then why has he been flirting with Justine all night?” Tricia asked. She tossed her head in the direction of the stage.

I felt a heavy weight settle in my stomach as I looked back toward the rear of the yard. Sure enough, Justine had planted herself right in front of where Josh was singing.

“He's not flirting with Justine,” Kaylie said. “Everyone knows she's been throwing herself at him for months.”

“I have eyes,” Tricia said. “And I know what I saw.” She looked at me. “You don't seriously think you'd be going out with him? He's totally going to get back together with Cara—they're just cooling off until after winter break. They're meant for each other.”

Each word was like a hammer blow of reality. Kaylie might want to think Josh liked me, but as annoying as Tricia was, she was probably right. I glanced back to the stage where Josh was looking intently at someone as he finished the song. He was looking right at Justine Hildebrandt.

The music stopped, but I couldn't bear to have Josh see me now, chasing him like all the other girls. What would he think if he saw me standing here? I couldn't stand to see him put his arm around Justine, to know that she was feeling the warmth of his body next to hers, inhaling his scent. The last normal night of my life was probably going to end like every other one had—with me cold and alone.

Kaylie was still arguing with Tricia, so I inched backward until I was standing next to a tall palm tree in a big wooden planter. I tried taking another drink to see if getting buzzed would make me feel any better, but the beer was so disgusting I could barely manage a tiny swallow. There was no way I was going to be able to choke down enough to make it worth it—while nobody was looking I tipped my cup into the planter and dumped out half the beer.

As I raised the cup back to my lips so it would look like I'd been drinking the whole time, I felt warm breath on the back of my neck.

“I wouldn't drink that swill, either,” he said with a laugh.

My heart raced and I didn't know whether to be happy or horrified, because I'd recognize Josh Lee's voice anywhere.

chapter 17

9:30 p.m.

“Well, well,” Vanessa said. “Look who's here.”

I bit the edge of my plastic cup and stared down at my shoes, not daring to look behind me. I knew that if I turned around and saw Josh holding hands with Justine, I'd probably run out of there without another word. So much for acting normal.

“I'm going to get something to drink,” Josh said, slightly out of breath. “Can I get anybody anything?”

He was standing so close to me I could feel the heat radiating off his body. He smelled clean and solid as he spoke over my shoulder. One quick glance told me that, at least for the moment, he was alone. I'd never believed the whole “weak in the knees” theory, but right now I wasn't sure I was going to be able to stay upright.

I looked up in time to see Vanessa cut her eyes at me. She tossed her long blond hair behind her shoulder and raised her eyebrows. I didn't know what she was up to, but it didn't feel good. “I'd love another beer,” she said. She rolled her tongue over her lips and giggled as he took her cup.

As far as I knew, she didn't even like Josh, so the only reason for the theatrics was to get him to notice her. And in that skirt and with those heels, if he didn't notice her, he was blind.

“What about you, Luce?” Josh asked. “You look like you could use another beer.” I swear he winked at me when he said it.

I pretended to take another sip from my cup. “No, thanks. I'm fine.” If I got more beer, the potted plants on the patio would probably wither up and die before the night was over.

“Well, at least help me carry these.” Josh tucked my arm into his and spun me around.

I was so surprised I started sputtering. “Wait . . .”

Kaylie grinned as I looked over my shoulder at her. “Go on, Lucy—Josh looks like he needs help.”

Josh guided me effortlessly through the crowd and in through the patio doors to the kitchen. His cheeks were bright red from playing and his hair was damp with sweat. “Here we are,” he said, and set the cups down on the counter.

“But the keg's out there,” I said.

“I've got something better in here,” Josh said, and pulled the refrigerator door open. “Rinse those out, will you?” His voice was muffled as he dug through the crammed fridge.

I had no idea what he was doing, but I turned on the tap and rinsed our cups under hot water. The beer in the keg was nasty, and I wasn't up for drinking any more, but I could always find somewhere to dump it out.

Bottles clanked as Josh emerged from the depths of the fridge. “Here we go. I had to stash them way back there so nobody would drink them.”

“Must be special,” I said. “I didn't think to bring my own.” I was nervous, so I was monitoring everything that came out of my mouth. It was like there were two people in my body—one who was actually speaking to Josh and one who was hanging back and making sure that the one doing the talking didn't sound completely stupid.