Dirty Little Secrets (19 page)

“Well, I'm glad you changed your mind,” she said. “I was just getting ready to go—Vanessa's sister is picking me up on the way.” She turned her head and looked at me more closely. “You okay? You look like hell.”

I ran my hand over my hair and could feel it sticking up in more than a few places. “Oh, yeah,” I said. “I just didn't have a chance to—”

“Not to worry. You've come to the right place.” I climbed the stairs to her room a few steps behind her. “I got this killer new straightener that will work magic on your hair. That and a few swipes of Plum Sable eye shadow should have you back on track.”

We passed the bathroom, and I realized that what I really wanted was to stand still somewhere and let stinging droplets of hot water wash this entire day down the drain. “Actually, Kaylie, could I, uh, take a shower maybe?”

“Okay,” she said, apparently not thinking it was a weird request. “But make it quick.”

My brain whirred on empty as I stood under the pounding water, feeling it flow over my shoulders and down my back. For the first few minutes I just stood there soaking, inhaling the steam and the heat, breathing it deep into my lungs. I grabbed the washcloth Kaylie had given me, lathered with sharp, clean-smelling citrus soap, and scrubbed until my skin was raw. Shampoo was dripping down my face when the door to the bathroom opened.

“Lucy?” Kaylie said as she tiptoed in. I had tucked Teddy B. into my jacket, which was folded on the floor, and I prayed she wouldn't see him. I'd forgotten I even had him on me, but now that he was here, it seemed important that he stay secret. “I brought you those jeans that are too long for me and that cute black-and-white-striped shirt that made me think of you when I bought it. No offense, but if we're going to the party, you need something else to wear.”

I rinsed and stuck my head out of the curtain. “Thanks,” I said. All I wanted was to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and sleep for about a hundred years.

“If you're going to get Josh Lee, you have to look hot. Hurry up so I can do your hair and stuff before we go.”

I wished I had left my toothbrush over here, as I rinsed my mouth with toothpaste. My clothes were in a heap on the floor, so I rolled them into a tight ball and stuck them behind the door. They were just one more reminder of what I'd left behind, and it would be fine with me if I never saw them again. Holding my jacket to my nose, I sniffed to see if the mold and the garbage and the mess had gotten deep into the fibers. It seemed okay, but just to be sure, I sprayed it lightly with the perfume Kaylie had on the counter. I tucked Teddy B. into my jacket and zipped it up over him. I didn't know why, but I felt calmer with him pressing into my side.

Kaylie looked me over as I came into her room. “What's with the jacket? Are you still cold?”

I zipped the jacket up higher. “A little.”

“Sometimes you have to sacrifice comfort for fashion.”

“I'll take it off when we get there,” I lied. Actually going somewhere, especially somewhere that Josh was going to be, seemed impossible, but I felt like I was being carried downstream in a strong current that had nothing to do with me.

“Okay, sit down here.”

I sat numbly on her bed while she hovered around with a little dash of this and a little dab of that. The blow-dryer felt nice on my neck, and I let her do what she wanted while I sat and thought about absolutely nothing. I came back to the present as she clipped the metal plates on my hair until they sizzled.

“Ow!” I jerked away from the iron.

“Ooh, sorry!” she said. She rubbed my ear. “I do that all the time.” She took a step back and admired her work. “You look awesome. Between the haircut and the straightener, it's just a little badass. Close your eyes.”

She sprayed a nice-smelling mist over my head. “That ought to last the rest of the night.”

I peeked around her until I could see myself in her mirror. It didn't look that bad. My hair stuck out like it did before I washed it, only now it looked as if it were on purpose. My eyelids wore a shade of purple so dark they looked vaguely bruised.

“Josh is going to freak out,” she said. “You should wear makeup all the time.”

I shrugged and made a face. I could pile the entire drawerful of stuff on my face and it wouldn't make any difference. Not after tomorrow, anyway.

“Seriously,” she said as she unplugged the straightener. “I think he's totally into you, and this is going to prove it.” Kaylie rubbed her hands together. “I promised Vanessa I'd be ready at nine, so we should go downstairs. This is going to be great. Maybe if you hook up with Josh, he'll ask you to the Spring Formal. You're so lucky.”

I tried to think that far ahead, but my thoughts ran into a deep black hole. Nothing existed beyond tomorrow when Sara came home and found out what had happened. All of a sudden I knew I couldn't go through with it. There was no way I could go and be with people and act normal. Not with my entire life unraveling by the minute.

“You go ahead,” I said, my voice shaky. “I can't. I'm just going to . . . I'm just going to go home.”

Kaylie looked concerned. “What's the matter? Are you sick?”

“I just . . . I . . .” I slid to the floor and put my hands over my face. It felt like a wave filled with everything wrong with my life was crashing over me—Mom lying under the sheet, mountains of garbage that I could never fix even if I had months instead of hours, piles of bills that threatened everything we had left, and images of our neighbors shaking their heads as they looked through our open doors at the truth we'd been so careful to hide all these years. I felt myself gasp as the tears started to roll down my cheeks, and I brought my knees up to my chest. I couldn't believe I was actually sitting on Kaylie's rug bawling like a baby, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Kaylie knelt next to me. I could feel her arm around my shoulder and smell her perfume, but I didn't dare take my hands away from my face. What if I broke down and told her the truth? “Lucy,” she said softly. “Hey, Luce, what's going on? Come on, whatever it is, we can fix it.” One hand patted my shoulder as she held me closer.

“There's nothing you can do,” I whispered, my voice raggedy with crying. “There's nothing anybody can do. It's over.”

“Listen, listen,” she said, trying to pry my hands from my eyes. “I'm your best friend, right? Right?”

I nodded, but the thought brought a fresh batch of tears coursing down my face. For the next few hours she was, but then what?

“Then you've got to tell me what's wrong,” she said. “I can't help you if you won't tell me.”

“I can't,” I said. I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to get a grip. The back of my hand was streaked with purple and black smudges where I'd wiped my eyes. “It's just . . . I can't.” She'd understand soon enough when the news broke. It's not like she could help me, anyway, even if I told her everything. I should just let her think I'd had a fight with Mom or had a bad case of PMS. She'd never guess what was really wrong with my life. “I'm okay,” I said, wiping the makeup from under my eyes.

Kaylie knelt next to me and grabbed my hand. “You're obviously
not
okay,” she insisted. “Is it your mom?” I shook my head. “Is it Josh?”

“No. Yes. I don't know,” I said. “It's just everything.” Bracing myself against the wall, I pulled myself up. “I'm sorry. That was so stupid. Really, I'm fine.” If Kaylie didn't think I was a loser before, I was sure she did now.

“You're sitting here looking like the world is ending, and you expect me to believe you're fine? Lucy, you have to be honest with me. I'm your best friend—you at least owe me that.”

And for a sliver of a second I thought about it. Thought about telling her everything—about Mom, the house, the bills—but as much as I wished she'd stay concerned and caring, I was just as sure that she wouldn't. Kaylie was the nicest friend I'd ever had, but she wasn't a superhero.

“Do you want to stay home?” she asked. “Because I can just call Vanessa—”

I took a deep breath. “No. No, let's go.” And I meant it. No matter what I was doing, nothing was going to happen at the house until morning. The next twelve hours were going to be the last normal ones in my life, and I didn't want to waste them surrounded by garbage at my house or sitting in a heap on her floor. This would be the last chance I ever had to be just regular old Lucy, and I might as well go out and make the most of it. I sniffed, and wiped the last traces of moisture from my face. “I must be a wreck,” I said, laughing a little.

Kaylie grinned, but her eyes still looked serious. “You did sort of ruin my work,” she said. “Sit down and I'll fix it for you, if you're sure.”

I nodded quickly, and she got out some wipes and the makeup and started repairing the damage I'd caused.

Kaylie's mom knocked at the same time she stuck her head in the doorway. “Oh, hi, Lucy,” she said, giving me a smile. “I didn't hear you come in.” She turned to Kaylie. “Who's driving tonight?”

“Vanessa's sister. She's home from college for vacation. I was thinking one o'clock—it's break, after all.”

“Twelve thirty,” her mom said. “But no later. And make sure she isn't drinking. You can always call me if you get stuck.” It always blew me away that Kaylie and her mom could talk about those kinds of things. Mom would freak if I went to a party, forget about one where she thought there might be drinking.

“Are you spending the night, Lucy?” her mom asked me. She never asked why I spent so much time over here—she seemed to know she wouldn't like the answer.

“Yes,” Kaylie said quickly.

“Actually, I have to go home tonight,” I said. I had to get home before Sara to make sure everything looked right before I ended it all with a simple phone call.

“Well, you're always welcome here. You know that. I'll see
you
at twelve thirty.” She put her arm around Kaylie and kissed her on the cheek—a gesture that neither of them gave a second thought but made my heart ache.

“You really okay?” Kaylie asked, reaching for her purse. “ 'Cause you can tell me anything.”

I shrugged, not trusting my voice, and stared off into the distance, trying to maintain some control. She had no idea what “anything” might mean.

“Listen,” she said, turning off her bedroom light. “The stars are aligning. I can feel it. This is going to be your night. It's going to be great.” The more she spoke, the more excited Kaylie seemed to get. It was hard not to catch a little bit of her enthusiasm.

“If you say so,” I managed.

“Well, I do say so.” She looked me up and down and brushed some stray hairs away from my face. It was such a caring gesture that it almost made me start crying again.

“Thanks,” I said quietly. At least for tonight I had a real best friend. I stood a little straighter, trying to be one of those people who took chances. “Okay, let's go.” I didn't look back as we walked out of the house and into the last normal night of my life.

chapter 16

9:00 p.m.

Vanessa's sister pulled up just as we got outside. She slid the back door open and then grabbed her phone to answer a quick text.

“Hey, Lucy,” Vanessa said from the front seat as we climbed into the minivan. “I didn't think you were coming.”

In the split second between when she spoke and when I answered, a million thoughts ran through my brain. Did she
wish
I wasn't coming? Had she and Kaylie been talking about me behind my back about tonight? Vanessa and I were like friends once-removed. We wouldn't have had any connection at all except for Kaylie, and I always felt like she was letting me know that she had been there first.

“Yeah,” I said. “I got done early so I decided to come along.”

Kaylie smacked me on the shoulder. “She got done early and couldn't stand the thought of Josh Lee being there all by himself.” She sat back hard as the van lurched into the street.

“Are you having a thing with Josh Lee?” Vanessa asked in a tone that said she didn't believe it.

“No,” I said. “Kaylie's just hallucinating.” I could feel my cheeks getting warm at the thought of seeing him. Focusing on Josh made my nerves calm down a little. I had to put Mom and the house behind me if I was going to go through with this. This was my only shot, and I had to take it because there probably wouldn't be another one.

“Not even,” she said. “You should have seen them at the movies last night.”

God, was that really only last night? It seemed like weeks ago.

“That's funny. I thought he was back together with Cara,” Vanessa said. I was pretty sure she was lying, but the thought made my stomach turn. Still, it wouldn't be that surprising—they were bound to get back together at some point. Vanessa grinned at me as she sat back in her seat and pulled a cigarette out of her purse. She'd taken a few drags when Kaylie smelled it and popped the back window open.

“Nessa!” she yelled. “My mom will have a heart attack if she smells smoke on me!”

“All right, all right,” Vanessa said, leaning forward to toss the cigarette out the front window. “Calm down. You act like you've never seen anyone smoking before.”

Kaylie waved her hands around the interior of the van, trying to coax the smoke outside. “I've never seen you smoking before. What were you thinking? You know your mom would kill you for stinking up her van.”

Vanessa reached into her purse and pulled out a pack of Camel 100's. “She wouldn't care. Besides, these things totally help you lose weight,” she said. “They're kind of expensive, but cheaper than diet pills as long as you buy them by the carton.”

“Just stay away from me with those,” Kaylie said. “I don't need to get grounded.”