Dissonance (15 page)

No.
I couldn’t think like that. I could not be with Logan. He would be bad for me, and worse, I’d be bad for him. He did not deserve to deal with my myriad of emotional problems.

As time passed, I became aware of just drunk I had been. The fuzziness in my head cleared and the night was a blur. I could remember everything, but the details were lost under a tequila fog. Only one thought was clear, I owed Logan an apology. I decided to wash up and then go ask forgiveness for the way I had treated him.

I had no idea what to do. When I’d left to go to Boxcar, I had hoped that… I’m not even sure what I wanted. The only thing that I knew I wanted was Charlotte. Hearing her sing was like being run through with a sword. My chest was sporting a gaping hole, and only she could fix it.

She was it. Everything. The embodiment of all of my desires – physical or otherwise. Still, I was sure I could never deserve her.

Maybe I’m a masochist, but I found myself at the piano. Somewhere in my dismal reverie, I had printed out the sheet music for “Make You Feel My Love.” I moved as gracefully as I could through the chords. Perhaps I was trying to prove that the song was just movingly beautiful on its own, not because of Charlotte’s perfect voice. It wasn’t. Instead, I ended up playing through it again and again, like I was stuck on repeat, hearing her angelic voice in my head, willing it to be real.

“The storms are raging on the rolling sea.”

The words filled my ears in the same magnificent voice I’d been imagining. My eyes snapped open to see her standing there. She was right at the end of the piano, staring down at me with her breathtaking eyes bright. I could not stop playing. I think I would have died if I didn’t hear her sing the rest.

She’d moved closer to me with every word, so that when I released the final chord, she was standing beside me. I stared up into her eyes, breathless. So much shone in their depths: passion, innocence, wonder, and trepidation. That underlying fear I’d seen so many times still lingered and I knew instinctively that I could never hurt her. It may be a huge challenge to attempt to be worthy, but I would endure whatever was necessary. I had no choice. As I met those magnificent eyes, I knew that she was already in my heart, so I would have to earn her or die trying.

“Why that song?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Because you sing it so beautifully. I couldn’t get your voice out of my head.”

Silence settled between us again. As she looked into my eyes, I could read even more in hers. I saw desire, and more amazingly, trust. Despite her past, despite what she knew of mine, she trusted me. It was that detail that caused me to let go.

I flew to my feet, enclosed her delicate face in my hands, claiming those full lips like I’d dreamed of doing since that first day in the rain. Her initial surprise released from her muscles and her body relaxed against mine. Slipping my fingers into her silken hair, I kissed her deeper. She let me mold her soft lips, responding with a tender sweetness that only ignited my blood further. All I could think of was how desperately I wanted to be close to her. My right hand moved to the Eden that was her lower back, feeling completely at home as it had earlier when I’d had her in my arms at the bar. Pulling her fragile body tight to mine, heat shot through every inch of me.

An innocent, quiet moan rang from her, causing her mouth to open at last. The ecstasy of tasting her caused my blood to serge downward. Almost immediately, my cock was solid and pulsing with desperate need. The need grew beyond anything I had ever known when Charlotte began to respond more fervently. Her hands rested on my chest and the heat that radiated from them warmed my entire body.

I scrounged up all of my control to pull back from her. “Charlotte,”

She cut me off by moving into me again. Her lips pushed against mine in sweet persuasion. I had to give in.

I could feel the softness of her curves against my stiff body. A deep, primal groan emanated from my chest. She was mine. I had to have her. I needed her.

With a desperation I had never known before, I pulled way again and grabbed her hand to lead her to my room. She followed willingly, which only spurred the ache.

In the room, she slipped her soft, timid hands beneath my t-shirt, grazing over my skin as she lifted it off. Her eyes and hands raked over my abdomen, chest and arms, her fingers gliding reverently over the lines of my tattoos. As erotic as her soft touch was, I had to stop her. I couldn’t keep my hands off of her another minute.

Knowing that I could finally worship her body the way that I desired to made me feel like a dazed kid in a candy store. I didn’t know where to start. Seeing the intoxicating hem of her dress skimming her thighs, I decided to start with those incredible legs. Her supple but toned thighs were the stuff fantasies. I tried to move slowly, to savor her the way she was meant to be. The fabric gathered and bunched as I moved upward to reveal inch after inch of flawless skin.

My cock lurched violently when my fingers at last brushed against the bottom curve of her ass. There was no suppressing the primal growl that rumbled from my chest as I grasped on the soft flesh, kneading it gently with only a thin layer of lace panties covering the glory I had coveted from afar. Hours could be spent marveling her ass, but I moved on to the rest of the heaven of her body.

By the time I lifted the dress off of her to enjoy her chest, I could feel her entire body flush and quake just slightly. Hoping to make her a bit more comfortable, I lowered her gently onto the bed.

Yet, as I crawled over her, what I saw in her eyes stopped me dead.

“Charlotte?” Her eyes were dilated with fear like they had been after her panic attack.

“I...” The tremor in her voice was nauseating. “I don’t think… I… I can’t…”

It hit me like a freight truck. What had I been thinking? This was too far, too fast. She was trying to push herself to do more than she was ready for with me. And why? Probably because of me and my history. She probably thought I expected it of her from the moment I kissed her. Self-loathing didn’t begin to cover what I was feeling.

I moved so that I was beside her and pulled her into a tight embrace. “Shh… Charlotte we don’t need to do anything. Please, just relax.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to… disappoint you.” Her hushed apology for not wanting to sleep with me – when I’d done nothing to prove that she should trust me that much – made me feel desperate.

“Please, Charlotte,” I pleaded. “It’s okay. You’ve given me so much already.”

The tremors slowed over time as I gently held her and smoothed my hand over her sweet-smelling hair. The scent made my head spin. It smelled like some sort of flower, but I couldn’t place it for the life of me.

Although it was not the most peaceful transition, she eventually drifted off in my arms. Despite the lull that was her even breathing, I lay awake long after she had fallen asleep. Life had thrown me a curveball in the form of the girl curled up beside me. What the hell was I thinking allowing myself to take things so far so quickly? To make things worse, I hadn’t even said a thing about my intentions. No wonder she was scared.

My fingers grazed over the scar on her wrist with apprehension. I should have stayed away; I should have kept her safe from me. But damn it, if I wasn’t strong enough to do that, I could at least show her that I would do anything to make her happy. I vowed that in the morning, I’d show what I felt for her.

I woke up alone. I was aware of the fact that Logan was no longer beside me before I even opened my eyes. Glancing around the room, I was struck by the pounding in my temples.
Oh yes, the drinking
. My mouth was arid. When I sat up, the comforter fell off of the top of my body. I was only in a bra and panties. Seeing the minimal fabric sent me into a whirlwind of memories from the night before.
Oh yes, the kissing.
The ecstasy of Logan’s kiss could not be outdone, but the fear had snuck in. Fear that things would go south like they had before. I couldn’t live through that again.

With the morning light came a sickening sort of clarity. I almost had sex with Logan, a man who had admitted to removing emotion from his sexual encounters – his frequent encounters – with women more equipped to please him than I was. A man that had told me up front that we would never be together.
What the hell was I thinking?

Call me a fool, but he had seemed so different. The look in his eyes at the piano, the passionate way he kissed me. He seemed like a man fueled by more than just lust. But then, what would I know about that?

I was an idiot to think we would magically be something more. The last thing I would do was show him what a fool I had been. I had to suck it up and play it off as nothing.

My resolve in place, I climbed out of bed to get a drink. Spying my black lace underwear set again in a mirror, I snatched Logan’s discarded t-shirt from the night before off of the ground. Holding it, I briefly considered if emerging in his shirt would damage my aloof image, but conceded that I was too shy to walk out nearly naked. The t-shirt would cover me enough to let me face him, but blasé enough to keep up the appearance I wanted.

Logan was moving around the kitchen, putting plates away from the dish washer. “Good morning,” he said when I entered. It seemed as though he was wary of my reaction. “Tea?” he offered.

“I’ve got it,” I replied, already moving to pour a cup of juice for myself, instead. Tea would take longer than I felt like standing there with him. The cold liquid was rejuvenating, but not enough to improve my sour disposition. The only thing that could break through that was a long, hard run.

“Would you like some breakfast?” The hint of caution in his voice grew quickly.

“No, I’ll just grab a granola bar,” I replied shortly.

“It’s no problem.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I don’t think you eat enough,” he said.

“I eat plenty.”

“I thought you did at first, but I’ve barely seen you eat at all this week.” The fact that he sounded concerned pissed me off even more.

Dropping my empty cup in the sink, I told him I was going to shower. Logan looked momentarily like he wanted to say something, but decided against it.

The shower felt glorious, forcing me to drag myself from the deliciously warm water. After toweling off, I dressed in black Capri stretch pants and a pink lycra tank top, strapped on my running shoes, and threw my damp hair into a ponytail.

When I returned to the kitchen, Logan was at the breakfast bar, staring down at his cup of coffee. He seemed surprised when he looked up at me. “Going for a run?”

“Yes.”

His slow, resigned nod told me told me that he was as aware of the tension between us as I was. Maybe he even understood that me going out for a run was best. Staying in the apartment would only result in me going off on him or closing him out entirely.

“Where is there a park nearby?”

He looked at my outfit, seeming not to approve, seeming to want me to cover up, seeming to want to say something about the night before. However, the fear that saying anything might set me off won out. A wise choice.

“Discovery park,” he conceded. “It’s right on the Sound and it’s huge, so you won’t have to keep running around the same path.”

“How do I get there?”

“I’ll drive you.”

“I can get myself there,” I retorted.