dissonance. (a Böhme novel) (28 page)

When will we learn that this is never worth it?

I closed my eyes as I tried to control my emotions. I was not going to cry during sex. I was not going to shed a tear by how happy and amazing I felt right now. Blake was fan-freaking-tastic at every single touch.
I’m ready for this. I want this
.

The last couple weeks had been torture and I must confess I took many a long shower trying to take care of the need he created in me. But any daydream or fantasy I created about Blake was nothing compared to the touches he traced along me.

The feeling of him kissing my stretch marks and scar caught me off guard. I didn’t think he would have paid any attention to them. Men I was with before avoided them like the plague as if they weren’t a part of me. But they are a part of me. They’re a reminder that there’s a part of me missing.

He went back to kissing above my panty line and my hips instinctively rose to meet his lips. He reached behind me and cupped my ass. He loved my ass and it reminded me that all those squats were beneficial in many ways.

He groaned as he gave a squeeze to me and then pulled my underwear from me. When he reached my feet I sat up and helped him remove his shirt. Without a word, but a wink, he jumped from his bed and pulled his jeans off as quickly as he had removed mine.

I smiled at his Batman boxer briefs.
Note to self—wear your Batman boy cut underwear tomorrow.

He started to climb back atop me then as if he remembered something, he jumped from his bed and grabbed a condom from his dresser.
Fuck
.

Here’s the point where I have to decide if I want to tell him the truth or if I just go with the flow. The truth won, because that is how Blake and I were. We promised each other that. The truth and honesty were the basis for our relationship and it meant more than anything to me.

I put my hand on his and shook my head. “Blake, when I told you before that I can’t have any more kids, it wasn’t because I just chose not to. I can’t get pregnant. I won’t get into the details now and ruin the moment. But I just wanted to tell you that we don’t need that. I’ve only been with three guys and it’s been eight years since the last, so yeah you have nothing to worry about otherwise,” I said with a lift of my brow. “Unless you, man-whore, have something I should be worried about?”

He tossed it over his shoulder and rested between my legs. He still had his underwear on and didn’t move further along yet. He rested on his forearms and encircled my shoulders with his arms as he twirled the hair around my ears.

“It’s really been that long?” he asked softly as he looked into my eyes with such sincerity I felt my chest ache.

“Yes.”

“And you’re deciding to end that with me?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“I know it was your choice to do that, because I see how guys look at you. I mean, I know how I look at you, so I know others do as well. No straight man could not look at you and not want to do this. So I guess what I’m trying to get out—but failing at saying— is this is a pretty fucking cool birthday present. Not just the act itself, but the meaning behind it—the connection we have” he said shyly as he waited for me to respond.

I held his eyes and smiled. “Let’s stop talking now. Tell me how you feel without words please,” I said with a shy smile of my own.

Then without any further words he lowered himself to rest on me and slid down my body and began to kiss along my thigh.

Oh fuck, he was going to go there. I tried to close off my thoughts, but the anticipation was killing me as I thought of his mouth on me and how amazing I knew it was going to feel. He sat up and pushed on both of my inner thighs, opening me to him.

I peeked out from under the arm I had draped over my forehead and saw him smiling down at me.

He took my hand that I had draped across me and pulled it down to my side and he pushed our palms together and laced our fingers at the same moment he lowered his mouth to me.

I clenched my fist around his hand as he danced his tongue around me expertly. He was doing as he said he would do. I was not in my head in that moment.

I looked down my abdomen and saw his eyes peering up at me and I saw the smile in them. God damn, he was smiling even now.

He held my eyes and it intensified the feeling and I knew I had to be hurting his hand with how tightly I was squeezing it, but he kept going, teasing me.

Then I was lost to him. I tried to let go of his hand so I could fall through the sensations, but he was the one that squeezed now. He would not let go of me.

He moved up my body and kept my hand held tight as he lifted it above my head and in one swift motion, unfastened my bra.

He growled and it made me giggle. Yeah, I giggled and yeah he growled. But I would giggle every fucking time if I got that look from him each time I did it. The intensity, laughter, and pride in his eyes when he looked at me made me feel as though I was going to climax again.

He hovered his mouth above my nipple and looked up at me once more with those smiling eyes and a grin spread on his face. I imagine he had the same excited look when he got a new toy on his birthday as a kid.

“I know I’m supposed to shut up, but damn it these are beautiful. I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” he said as he closed his eyes and lowered his mouth.

I was the one who growled now.

Two hands held tightly were painted. They were large and entwined together. The painting was simple, but intricate in its design. The writer felt these words. They were hard to face.

What do you ask for in the middle of the night when your tears begin to fall?

After several awesome minutes of exploring Brecken I couldn’t prolong it any further. I had to be inside her.

I was a little nervous to be letting my loader run free.
Freeloading, unhindered, inside her
. I felt my cheeks burn as I contained my laugh, but let a smile form. This was an entirely new experience for me.

Brecken lifted her hand and touched my face, giving me a questioning expression and I couldn’t resist. “Freeloading,” I said with a quiet laugh as I slowly moved to rest inside her.

_______________

I woke up before the alarm clock and I wasn’t sure if I had actually slept. I knew Brecken did because I watched her sleep most of the night. I held tight to her and it was the best feeling in the world to know that she trusted me. Sure she was just sleeping in my arms, but it was such a peaceful sleep. She had to trust me to be able to drift into that place.

I kissed her shoulder as I looked out my window and watched the sun come up from behind the building across the street. From what I could see, it looked like the writer had done another new one. It was a pretty big one too.

I didn’t want to let go of Brecken, but I wanted to see what it said, so I climbed from bed and walked to my large floor length window.

There was a girl in a prom dress with flowers at her feet. Under the painting it said,
“Did you ever believe in happily ever afters anyway?”

“Hmm,” I scoffed as I looked at the painting and put my arm up on the window frame, then scratched myself.

“Aren’t you worried someone might be looking up at you fondling yourself?” Brecken asked from the bed.

I turned to give her a tilted grin as I walked back to bed.

“If there is someone up at this hour, they are more than welcome to have a look,” I said, wrapping the blanket around us.

“What do you want for breakfast?” she asked.

“I thought we’d do as Marie Antoinette says and eat cake,” I said as I pulled her closer to me and pinched at her abdomen.

She slapped my hand away, “That feels weird plus I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Oh well, in that case,” I said as I released her from my hold. “Don’t let me keep you waiting.”

She jumped from the bed and walked away from me and in the morning light I saw every amazing curve of her ass.

“Damn it woman, make it fast please,” I said on a groan.

_______________

My phone announced a text while Brecken sat on my lap sharing cake with me. We had made it into the kitchen finally but unfortunately my phone was in the living room.

“I’ll get it for you,” she said, hopping from my lap and leaving me to eat the rest of the cake.

She didn’t even look at the phone and just brought it to me. That in itself made a smile form on my face. It isn’t that I had something to hide, but it got really annoying when other chicks had been nosy about whom I talked to as if I had several girlfriends on the side.

Mason: Can I get a ride to Wynn and Hannah’s?

“Mind if Mason goes with us to pick that stuff up at your Grandpa’s?” I asked Brecken.

“No, of course not. I love hanging out with Mason. Is he going to the party?” she asked.

Me:  Not a problem. We have to pick something up for Brecken first, but it won’t take long.

“Yeah, he’s going to the party. I like the kid too. My parents like having him at their house,” I said.

“Did you ever hear his story?” she asked.

“Yeah some of it—I guess his parents were pretty cool. It doesn’t sound like they were horrible or anything, just really conservative. He is the black sheep I guess. He still talks to them. I think it’s pretty cool of them to freely let him go when he turned eighteen. Not that they could keep him home. But they kind of just let him go to find himself. They sound kind of like new age hippy meets Christianity. That’s what he said anyway. He’s trying to find himself. But you know Mason, he said it a lot better than me,” I said.

“Don’t Blake. You can say many things eloquently, in your own unique Blakey way, and I love it about you,” she said with a smile and rubbed her nose against mine.

I looked at the time on my phone. “Shit, did you realize it’s already the afternoon?” I asked.

“Of course I did. Now we need to get ready to go,” she said with a smile.

_______________

I tried to get into the shower with her, but she told me we needed to save that for later. We couldn’t have that many firsts in one day.

When I walked out of the bathroom after my shower, I found her sitting on the floor wearing only her towel in front of my mirror. She was putting her make up on. I stopped and leaned against the doorframe to watch her.

“You’re beautiful,” I said, walking toward her and taking a seat behind her. I released my towel and let my legs lay freely on either side of her. I rested my chin on her shoulder before kissing along her shoulder.

“Thank you Blake,” she said as she lifted a hand to my cheek and looked at me in the mirror. “You’re beautiful yourself,” she said with a wink.

I put my hand inside the top of the towel she was wearing and pulled her back against me. It was an odd hug that felt amazing as she rested between my legs. I wrapped my other arm around her and released the portion of the towel she had tucked in and let her sit in front of the mirror exposed in front of me. The towel fell from her and rested along her thighs. She kept her eyes on mine as I let my hand explore her as we both watched.

I always focused on the chick when it came to sex. I guess it came with the knightly attitude so many seemed to say I possessed. But it always felt programmed before. I felt like I was doing the steps I needed to do, just to make the chick orgasm and to get myself one in the process. It was a simple step by step process that lacked inspiration.

With Brecken it was different—I was very inspired. I wanted to see what made her react. I wanted to know what she liked and not just accept the minimum basics. I wanted to know every part of her and I didn’t care if I got anything out of it, just as long as she did.

I traced my hands along her shoulders and then down her arms. She still held a makeup brush in her hand and I took it from her and set it to the side of her. Her breathing increased and I felt the knowing tug in my abdomen and chest that I was becoming to associate with everything Brecken.

I kept my eyes locked firmly on hers as we both looked in the mirror.

I lifted her arms around my neck and traced back down them until I held both her breasts in either palm. I toyed with her nipples and she pulled her lip in as she took in a deep breath and lifted them closer into my palms. She started to close her eyes and I nipped at her ear and whispered, “Keep them open.”

I released my right hand and let it drift lower on her. My left hand tightened around her, holding her close to me as I used my legs to guide her legs open. I looked at her in the mirror, opening herself to me and I was so overcome, I was the one to close my eyes for a breather. She let out a laugh and turned her head to bite at my shoulder. “Open, Blake.”

Without another word I lowered my hand all the way and let my fingers dance around her and explore every noise that came from her as I did. When she was close to finishing, I stopped and lifted her quickly and turned her to face me.