dissonance. (a Böhme novel) (30 page)

My thoughts were much simpler a few weeks ago.

The new Wynn—never afraid to say what is on his mind and never afraid, period. Now I have to man up and do the same with him and with Brecken it seemed.

“I wasn’t a help, man. I was weak. I knew your mom was abusing you. I saw the marks and I had questions about what happened at night…,” I said before looking away. I couldn’t look at him right now. “There were so many times that I would want to say something to my parents, but I was selfish. I was afraid of what might happen if they took you from her. I didn’t want to lose my best friend. Plus, if you lived right behind me, I could always run to your house every morning to check on you.”

He lifted an eyebrow, “What do you mean check on me?”

“I would go to your house first thing in the morning, run to your front door, and knock just wanting to make sure things hadn’t gone completely crazy. Your mom probably thought I was nuts. I know I pissed her off a few times. More than a few times actually. But I just needed to know you were okay.”

“That had to be some pretty heavy stuff to deal with as a kid,” he said as he lowered his head.

“Dude, you’re worried about heavy stuff for me to deal with? What about you? I wasn’t living it,” I said and my voice got louder as I spoke.
How the fuck can he feel bad for me right now?

“I know...” He paused. “I know it looks bad from the outside and if I were a witness to it from the outside, I would feel the same way. But I have forgiven my mother and honestly I didn’t know a different life then. It was my fucked up life. Sure I saw a different one at your house and I was jealous at times, but I was thankful for the little bit of family yours showed me. So the reason why I’m bringing this up now of all times is because I have been thinking a lot.”

I laughed at his statement. “Really, you’ve been thinking a lot?”

“Shut the fuck up. What I’m saying is that I want you to let go and accept that you were just a kid. You couldn’t save me from her. But you did save me man. You can rest assured that you
did
save me. I probably would have died or ended it years ago if I didn’t have you as my best friend. You always got crazy and made me laugh when I felt like laughter couldn’t possibly exist.”

I looked down at the grass we walked along. I couldn’t look at him right now. I did not want to cry. I could not cry. The stress of the day was compounding and it would be fucked up if I cried.

I just wanted to go back to my bed with Brecken. I wanted to go back to the morning and not feel so much. But I kidded myself. The emotions and feelings had begun in the middle of the night when Brecken and I became the
we
that we now were.

With a sigh, I reluctantly looked at Wynn and I saw the change that had taken place, but I was too selfish in my need to shelter him to see it. I breathed in deeply, trying to hold back tears that a grown man should not be crying, but then he put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me in for a hug. A fucking hug and I broke.

“I’m so sorry, Wynn,” I said with tears. It wasn’t a sob, but yeah I cried. I couldn’t help it. All the anger at myself for being selfish and for not doing more consumed me. “I always thought if I was there for you, and put you first, I would make amends for not doing anything as a kid.”

“You were a fucking kid man; there was nothing you could do. Let go of that way of thinking. You have to remember that we were both kids. We were new to the world and yeah, it fucked me up then and I am still fucked from it, but I’m moving on and you can too. You need to let go of this need to always be my shield.” He stepped back and kept hold of my shoulders at arm’s length as a smart ass grin spread across his face, “I don’t need you to be my knight in shining armor anymore Blake. Go be it for someone else.” He laughed.

“Fuck you man.  How did this happen?  You’re the one making jokes now?” I asked.

He turned back to continue walking. “Well, it’s realizing that life is about more than what is going on inside you. I’m learning that you can’t shut people out. I did that most of my life and I don’t feel guilty about it, it was what I needed to do at the time. But at this point in my life, I need to start letting people in. I think you need to start too man.”

“What do you mean? I’m pretty much an open book,” I said.

He lifted his brow at me, “Really? You really believe that? Dude, I have seen you go out with girl after girl and never really go out with them. You have this idea of what things should be like and you’re happy to just keep it in a nice photo album. You don’t want to get messy in your relationships. You gotta get messy sometimes. You can’t have a real relationship without it.”

I thought of Brecken and how messy things became today. “Does it ever get less messy? I’ve got myself in a bit of an issue with her and him,” I said looking back towards Mason who was talking to Gabe. “And I don’t know what to do. God it’s still so weird to talk to you, of all people, about relationships.”

He laughed. “You don’t have to have had multiple relationships to understand how to relate with someone. But it’s always messy. You just have to figure out who the person worth cleaning up for is, man. Because that’s what it’s like, a constant cleaning up and refining of yourself. You have to decide if the person is worth that to you. If they are then you better hold tight to them.”

“Why do you keep saying person instead of woman or even Brecken for that matter?” I asked.

“Well, I thought you were talking about Gabe too when you said
him
,” he said with a smart ass grin. Again, it’s surreal seeing Wynn joke this way. I hadn’t seen this side of him in years.

I laughed. “You too? Why does everyone think there’s something going on with Gabe and me? I expected more from you Hawthorne. Gabe is one of my closest friends. He also has some serious Yoda shit going on with some of his conversations that can be sexy at times,” I said with a mock grin. “You guys would have some deep ones, I’m sure. But no, it’s only Brecken,” I said with a pointed look.

“She’s fucking amazing. And things reached a new level of messy today. I can’t get into it, because it’s not my story to share. But I find myself in the position to want to fix this. I was given a day to sit on it so I have until tomorrow. But if it isn’t remedied by tomorrow at this time, I’m telling her what I know.” I laughed and it felt hollow. “You know, you’re right about the knight in shining armor complex I have going on. Now that you have handed my shield back, I think I know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” he asked.

“I need to be honest with her about something tomorrow. It’s going to get very fucking messy when I do and I honestly don’t think she’ll want to talk to me after I tell her the truth. But I can’t keep it from her. Hopefully by this time tomorrow night, I’m still in possession of both my nuggets.”

“Then that’s what you should do. If she’s any girl worth being with, she will understand why you did whatever it is you did. I know you and I know that whatever it is you did or didn’t do is for a noble reason.”

“Thanks man,” I said with a nod. “And Wynn, you should know I could never be with Gabe. My man heart belongs only to you.”

“Fuck off Blake,” he said as he shoved my shoulder. “Oh also,” he said as he reached in his back pocket. “Happy Birthday.”

Then he put the Poliwag Pokemon card in my hand that I asked him to return almost twenty years ago.

“It’s about time, Wynn,” I said.

“Yeah, sorry—I lost the original. That was found in Hannah’s stuff when we were cleaning out her mom’s. But it’s the thought that counts, right?” He laughed.

I was the one to shove him now.

An explosion painted in numerous colors. Nothing was defined in the image, just colors—everywhere.

What do you do when you find your answers?

“They’re cute, aren’t they?” Hannah asked as we both watched Wynn and Blake walking along the flower field behind Hannah’s mother’s house.

“Yes, they are,” I said with a smile. “Especially the taller one with the Flogging Molly shirt on.” I winked.

She crossed her arms above her swollen abdomen. “Hmm, I’m rather fond of the one with those tattoos. He has a sway to his walk that gets me every time,” she said, watching him with longing in her eyes. “Speaking of cute…” Hannah said looking back at me. “You and Blake are kind of sickly cute. How are things going on that end?” she asked.

“Oh well, they’re going well,” I said as we watched Blake and Wynn take turns trying to pull the other to the ground. “I guess that never changes, huh?” I asked pointing at their display of testosterone.

She laughed. “No, they seem to do that when they have serious conversations. Neither likes to open up to the other. As soon as they talk, they wrestle. It’s kind of fucked up if you ask me.” Hannah turned more toward me and crossed her arms over her belly. “So tell me more about yourself Brecken. I don’t feel like I’ve had a chance to really talk to you,” she said. “Do you have any kids?” she asked as she glanced down at her abdomen, reminding herself of her child growing inside her. I knew she didn’t mean anything by the question. It was a question most parents asked others of the child-bearing age.

Unfortunately when the question is asked, others are soon to follow.
You don’t have any kids? You plan on living the free life, huh? You have to have kids.

As if having kids was the only identifiable trait of being a human.

They don’t take into account that there very possibly could be a reason why the other adult doesn’t have children. Hannah wasn’t one of those people though. I could tell her the truth.

“I had a child when I was sixteen and I gave her up for adoption. The labor had complications and I can’t have any children now,” I said as I looked back to Blake and Wynn.

“I’m sorry,” Hannah said.

“No, it’s okay really. It was eighteen years ago. I’ve accepted it and I’m enjoying life. I’m just thankful to be with someone who is okay with my situation. He takes me as I am and I love him for it,” I said without thinking about my actual words.

Hannah caught what I said though and with her arms still crossed, she tapped the side of her elbow with her fingers and gave me a knowing grin. She pulled her bottom lip in and then a huge smile formed on her face.

“Yes!” she said and then clapped her hands and did a little jump.

“Careful now,” I said as I steadied her.

“Oh don’t mind me. I’m not usually this giddy. I can’t wait to tell Wynn what you just said,” she said with a smile.

“It was just a slip. I didn’t mean I was in love with him, I just meant I loved that about him,” I said and questioned my own words.

“Okay, I’ll let it pass.” She smiled with a wink. “It will be our little secret until I get home and I’m lying next to my husband in bed. I always tell him my secrets then.”

Hannah left to go talk to some other people at the party and I was thankful for the reprieve from my slip up.

I scanned the crowd and recognized some of the faces. My attention fell on one in particular and I felt myself relax.

“Emmet. What’re you doing here?” I asked as he walked toward me.

“Wynn invited me. I know him from the gallery,” he said as he pulled me in for a hug.

“Hmm, I didn’t even think of the connection. But I’m glad you’re here,” I said as I wrapped my hand in my brother’s arm. “Oh hey, there’s Mason. Did you meet him at Karl’s exhibit?” I asked.

“Nope,” he said as Mason looked at us with hesitation.

I waved him over and wondered what was going on with him. He had been weird since the ride here. 

“Hey Mason, this is my brother Emmet,” I said.

“Hey man, name’s Mason Wallace,” he said as he took my brother’s hand to shake.

“Emmet McNett,” Emmet said with a nod.

“Mason’s going to practice some new songs with Conall and me tomorrow at Mom’s,” I said.

Emmet raised his eyebrow. “Oh yeah?” he asked. “What d’ya play?”

“Drums,” he said and then looked at me with a weighted smile. “Just like Brecken.”

“Yep, just like me,” I said on a laugh. “You’re being weird Mason. You didn’t sneak some alcohol did you?” I asked.

He gave a shy laugh. “No, I didn’t.”

“Don’t let Brecken fool you. Believe me, she has some stories to tell from when she was young. How old are you anyway, Mason?” Emmet asked.

“I turned eighteen last month,” he said as he looked at me with an unnerving glance.
What the hell was his deal today?

“Hey, I want a s’mores, how about you guys?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

“That sounds awesome,” Mason said.

“None for me, I’m going to go find Karl,” Emmet said.

Mason and I walked to the table near the fire and grabbed marshmallows to roast. We took a seat on a turned log as we prepared our marshmallows for roasting.

“So Mason, what is your means of roasting? Are you a slow roaster or set ‘em on fire kind of guy?” I asked.

He laughed. “I’m more of the set ‘em on fire type.”

“Me too, the burned part is the best,” I said.