Distant Dreams (30 page)

Putting his hand under his head and staring up at the ceiling, Joseph wondered if he’d made all the wrong decisions. Had he created a monster in Carolina by opening her mind to the world? Had it been cruel to give her a brief glimpse into the heart of her desires, only to put down a gate and forbid her to go any further?

Perhaps Margaret was right. Perhaps he should announce after the party that since she was of age, James Baldwin’s tutelage would no longer be needed. That of course would not sit well with Virginia. There seemed to be no easy answer in the matter. All he had wanted was to give something special to Carolina.

He imagined his dark-eyed daughter’s response to ending her education. She would be devastated, and the sorrow in her eyes would no doubt bring back memories of a time when he laid his own dreams to rest. Still, he could not allow this thing to stand between him and Margaret. He loved his wife and could hardly bear to hear her cry.

Reaching out, he pulled her, unwilling, into his arms. Stroking her hair he simply held her while she controlled her tears and lay rigid against him. “I cannot bear for this to be between us,” he murmured. “I love you and my heart is ever yours. Don’t hate me for poor choices. I’ve always struggled to make the right ones.”

It seemed right to humble himself before Margaret. She relaxed against him but remained silent. Joseph didn’t want to press the issue too hard, and after kissing her lightly on the forehead, he held her close and fell into a fitful sleep.

Sometime during the night, Joseph awoke with a start and realized the source of the anxiety that was keeping him from a peaceful night’s rest. “Father God,” he prayed, “I should have sought you out on this before, but it seemed a small matter, and I thought myself capable of dealing with it. Human wisdom fails me, and I fear I have caused more problems than would have been the case if I would have put the matter in your hands to begin with.”

Margaret sighed against him but remained in a deep sleep.

“I have hurt her,” he continued, “and it was not my desire to do so. Please forgive me and help her to forgive me as well. Guide me in the matter of Carolina’s education. She has such desires and hopes for the future, and I fear quelling those, as mine were, by denying her the objects of her dreams. Show me the way. Teach me what I am to do.” He faded off to sleep, the prayerful words still on his lips. “Show . . . me . . . the . . . way.”

32

Indecision

James entered the family sitting room to find Virginia seated alone before the blazing hearth. She seemed so perfectly arranged there on the elegant velvet divan that it was as if she’d planned this time for them to be alone—and perhaps she had. James knew she was anxiously awaiting some word of commitment from him, but as of yet he’d found it difficult to give. To take on Virginia Adams as wife meant he would clearly be in for changes in his life. Changes he wasn’t certain he was ready for.

Turning sparking blue eyes on him, Virginia smiled coyly. “I wondered if you would make your way here.” Her voice was alluring, beckoning James forward.

“Your mother told me I would find you here,” he said, knowing full well he’d been the object of a conspiracy between mother and daughter to bring him to this room. “And how could I resist the possibility of having you to myself for a few moments?”

Virginia blushed appropriately at his bold statement and motioned to the settee. “Please join me.”

James accommodated her, feeling a strange confusion of emotions. She was beautiful and alluring, and he knew himself to be most fortunate that she was interested in him. He studied the delicate features of her face—the small upturned nose, dainty rose-colored lips, flushed high cheeks, and pale blue eyes.

“You look beautiful tonight,” he said, before even realizing the words were out of his mouth.

“Thank you.” Virginia lowered her eyes coquettishly. “I wore this gown especially for you.”

James felt his face grow hot and didn’t know if the cause was the fire in the hearth or the woman beside him. He looked at her intently, trying to find some real fault with her. True, she was shallow minded, hardly well-read, and able to converse intelligently on only a handful of the most unstimulating topics. But who could fault her for that? That was the kind of woman men were supposed to seek out. She knew nothing of the world around her, and if her father and mother weren’t friends with the President, she’d probably not even give the matter consideration enough to know who was in office.

“You’re looking at me as though I’d grown a second head,” Virginia said, suddenly drawing him from his thoughts.

“Sorry, I was simply admiring your assets,” he grinned. “You are charming and delightful, and I am glad to have the peace of this moment in order to tell you so.” The words came so easily, yet part of James sensed he was only spouting what he knew to be the right thing to say. The words were true, of course, but—

“You’ve been living with us for nearly six months,” Virginia said, jarring him once more from his thoughts. “Do you realize that?”

“I do. In fact, that very thought crossed my mind this evening. This place—Oakbridge and all that is here—has been a healing balm to me. Why, I’ve completely recovered from my accident.” In more ways than one, he thought, but for some reason he couldn’t admit the other things to Virginia.

“It’s been wonderful having you here,” she was saying. “I’ve learned so much more about you. Things I might never have known if we’d simply courted.”

James smiled broadly, amazed at how readily the response came. Virginia wasn’t bad at all . . . not at all.

“Such as?” he asked, warming to the flirtatious mood Virginia was spinning.

“Well, I know you don’t care for eggs, and you detest it when your hair falls below your collar.” Her face brightened. “And I know the cut of coat you prefer and your favorite color.”

James narrowed his eyes slightly. “Which is what?”

“Green.”

“Fair enough, you’re correct on all accounts.” James noted that nothing in her calculations of him went further than the surface observations.

Virginia surprised him by continuing. “I know, too, you don’t hold much stock in slavery or in church.”

He concealed his surprise. “Why do you say that?”

Virginia smiled. “I’m not blind. You scarcely allow any of the servants to wait on you. Even Jericho, whom Father put in your charge, stands about idle most of the time. And you left the room in a complete state of disgust when our overseer spoke of the Milfords’ missing slaves and how there was to be a manhunt for them.”

“I wouldn’t have believed you to find those matters of importance.”

“Everything about the plantation is a matter of importance, and everything regarding those I love is of special importance to me.”

James was stunned nearly into silence. He did manage to ask, “Am I to understand . . . ?”

“That I love you?” Virginia finished the question. “Why act so surprised, James? Certainly you can’t have been unaware of my feelings all these months?”

“I see . . .” James could still not recover from his shock at her bold declaration.

“No, I don’t believe you do,” Virginia stated evenly. “But I will endeavor to make myself clear. I’m eighteen—almost nineteen— years old. I’m the daughter of a prominent plantation owner and businessman. I’m not without my charms, and many have paid me court; however, I’ve been very reluctant to settle down and marry just anyone.”

“And why is that?” James asked, genuinely interested.

Virginia folded her hands and looked into the flames. “So many of those who have been interested have been such
boys
. Their affection, even their love, has not stirred me. It is different with you, James. I feel such passion when I am around you.”

“Miss Adams!”

“Do you think me positively brazen? But sometimes a woman must be when a man is a taciturn sort, when he appears to need a bit of a nudge to express his true feelings.”

James knew this was his opportunity to express the passion he should feel for her. She was so beautiful, so desirable. He was stirred by her beauty. But passion? Perhaps that was too much to hope for.

“I could not be around you without having feelings,” he said, trying to infuse his tone with the kind of passion she was looking for, while at the same time remaining as noncommittal as possible.

“I knew it!” she said, her eyes glowing. “It is sometimes such a burden being the daughter of a wealthy man. I have had one or two suitors who have turned out to be only after my father’s money. I never believed that of you, James, but it is so heartening to be completely assured of that fact. You have shown me now that your intentions are pure.”

Her words caused James to grow uncomfortable, but he said nothing, following Virginia’s example of staring into the fire. He felt a terrible urge to reveal his father’s deceit, to declare that he himself was no fortune hunter, but that he was merely trying to be an obedient son. But she would never understand that his predicament was no reflection on her charms.

She tittered softly. “Goodness! It is foolish of me to even wonder about such things. You are a Baldwin and the Baldwins have their own fortune and good name. You are secure in your position in Washington and needn’t come to the Adamses for a step up into society. Your mother is highly esteemed and keeps company with the elite capital social circle. Your father is an important man, and you yourself have a sterling reputation. I can respect you and honor you as an equal in the realms of genteel folk and love you as a man.”

She said nothing more, and James knew she was waiting for some similar statement or declaration of love. He had come to care about her, and perhaps he could tell her that, but it bothered him deeply that he was chasing her fortune. Still, how could he let his father down and admit the truth?

Suddenly, overcome by a gnawing sense of guilt, he found himself voicing words he had been avoiding all along. “I do care for you, Virginia. You are the only woman I wish to be with.”

“Oh, James!”

“My only hesitation in making a deeper commitment is that I desire to have my future in order before I take on the responsibility of marriage. But I suppose one thing you ought to know, and I fear it may not please you.” James’ voice was barely audible. “I have come to believe my future will still be in the railroad business. I am not certain in what capacity, or if . . . I still have the . . . uh . . . aptitude for the work. But I’ve been in contact with Philip Thomas, the president of the Baltimore and Ohio.”

“Yes, I know him. We’ve had him to dinner here,” Virginia interjected.

“Yes, well, Mr. Thomas has offered me a job, whenever I’m ready to accept it. My accident has not dulled my fascination with the work of designing and planning railroads. I want to see the business go forward.”

Virginia shifted as though uncomfortable, and James thought a brief expression of worry creased her brow.

“I don’t pretend to be interested in things such as that,” she said. “I only know the railroad very nearly took your life, and I can’t imagine feeling loyalty to a thing when it has so deeply scarred you.”

“But life is full of things that scar,” James remarked. “No one escapes the pain and suffering of this earth.”

“But neither does a wise person put himself in a position to be hurt again,
if
”—she stressed the last word—“they can avoid that position.”

“I feel I must give it another try. As I said, I don’t know how it will work out. But it is too deeply a part of me to let it go so easily.”

“Maybe the accident was God’s way of trying to redirect your life. Father says God sometimes works through the strangest of circumstances.”

James thought of the six months he’d spent at Oakbridge and knew he could easily agree with this. If he hadn’t come here, he’d no doubt still hate the railroad for the death of Phineas Davis. If he hadn’t come here, he might easily have taken his own life in abject despair. But he had come here, and a young girl had wrapped him in her passion for life and her hunger for knowledge, and through it, James had found comfort and a reason to go on. Unfortunately that girl had been Carolina, not Virginia.

“Talk about God makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t it?” Virginia seemed to conclude from his silence.

“Perhaps,” James replied, glad that Virginia was unaware of his reflection on Carolina. Religion was as good a cover as anything. He’d never seen much use for religion in his life, and while he knew it to be the socially acceptable thing, church attendance was not among his favorite ways to pass a Sunday. He would much rather have watched the horses run, read a good book, or even thrown in a line and fished away the hours. Instead, he’d found himself forced to attend the very strict and pious Falls Church—for which the town was named—where none other than George Washington had once been an esteemed member. The stiff formal worship left him desiring nothing more than a hard fast ride atop his mount after escaping the highly ornate building and grimly proper congregation.

“I find it difficult to deal with the severity of God at times,” James answered honestly. “But I believe in His omniscience, if that’s what is worrying you.” He tried to sound casual, but Virginia’s frown only deepened.

“Father says that believing in God is all well and fine, but a person needs a daily walk with Him as well.”

“And you have this daily walk?”

Virginia bit her lip. “I suppose I don’t live up to the expectations my parents have for me regarding religious consideration. I have a sharp tongue, especially where Carolina and York are concerned. They both have been intolerable at times, and I’ve not taken it well.”

“Intolerable?” James hoped to get off the subject of religion altogether.

“Well, Carolina is very stubborn, and though I’ve tried to help her become a lady, she’s determined to disgrace this family by pushing into the realm of places where she is not wanted, nor welcomed. I’ve tried to speak with her as a sister and in sisterly love,” she said, as though she were looking for James’ approval or confirmation. He nodded and she continued. “I’ve tried to tell her how her attitudes have caused our mother great grief and positioned this family awkwardly when it comes to polite society. But Carolina thinks only of herself.”