Distorted Hope (22 page)

Nathan placed me on the golden-brown stone vanity and lifted my foot to examine it. He wasn’t exactly gentle, but he wasn’t rough, either. He pulled tweezers out of a drawer and removed several small pieces of glass from my foot. Then he washed my foot with warm water and soap.

He didn’t say a word as he was working, but his jaw was clenched the entire time. When he was satisfied my foot was taken care of, he picked me up and carried me behind what I thought was a fat column and turned out to be a large, round shower with a window looking out onto the mountains.

He pointed to the various buttons, showing me how to work the fancy waterworks. “I’ll be back with something for you to wear. Don’t leave the bathroom.”

I nodded to show I understood and he disappeared around the corner. He reappeared after a minute and hung a towel on a hook outside the circle and then disappeared again.

I put most of my weight on my uncut foot and turned the hot water on. It felt good as I stood under the rain-like stream of water and closed my eyes.

I felt guilty.

Part of me was outraged that I could feel guilty about making love with Jason. I loved him. He was the reason Nathan had brought me in the first place. Why should Nathan get angry that I want to be with Jason? He had left us alone for weeks, and then pulled us apart, just because I was pregnant with his child.

Okay, so I could kind of understand why Nathan was upset. He’d bared his soul to me just a little while ago, telling me about his wife and how he was glad I was here. That I had given him hope for the first time in almost twenty years. That he wanted me. And then he caught me in bed with Jason. Yeah, his anger was probably justified.

But on the other hand, he’s the one who decided Jason and I couldn’t be together. It didn’t mean I could just stop loving Jason, like flipping a switch.

But Nathan never said or indicated he’d expected that. He acknowledged it would take time for me to get over Jason. He’d been nothing but kind to me since he found out I was pregnant. More than kind, actually. He’d been doting on me, and I kinda liked it. When I forgot about the fact he sold bad things to bad people, I liked him.

I leaned my head against a wall that was surprisingly warm. My head hurt. I felt guilty and angry at the same time.
Do I try and fight Nathan? Be a bitch in hopes he’ll realize it’s a mistake to make me give up Jason? Or do I resign myself to the inevitable and accept my new relationship with him?

I had a feeling, regardless of which path I decided to take, eventually I would end up with Nathan. He was the type to always get his way. Did I really want to take the miserable, long way? Or make the best of what had been handed to me and try to build a relationship with the scary arms dealer that was Nathan Pierce?

The cold hard truth was I was stuck with Nathan. There was no way he’d ever let me go—either with Jason or back to the US. Not with his child. I would spend the rest of my life here with Nathan, in the middle of a foreign country. Even if I managed to run away, where would I go? I was in the middle of the nowhere. I didn’t know anything about Panama, I knew even less about surviving in the mountains, and I had only a smattering of Spanish vocabulary. I would likely end up in a worse situation.

There were worse things than being the wife of an arms dealer.

Wife
. Nathan had said he wanted to marry me. Only when I started dating Jason had I thought about the possibility of getting married someday. I wanted to; I wanted to be loved. But I never thought I was lovable—never thought I was worth anything.

And now I had two men basically fighting over me. The thought made me laugh a little. Ugly Kyra had two handsome men fighting over her. It was more than I’d had at home.

I sighed and began washing my hair, careful to keep my weight off my sore foot. The smart thing to do would be to apologize to Nathan and hope he’d forgive me. I liked to do the smart thing. I
should
do the smart thing.

It wasn’t as if he was abusive. He looked at me with adoration. He made me feel amazing things in bed. I shivered, remembering what an amazing lover he was.

I finished my shower, washing myself thoroughly and resolving to apologize to Nathan as soon as I saw him.

I dried myself off and had just begun drying my hair when Nathan returned. He stood in the doorway of the bathroom, watching me with impassive eyes.

I wrapped my towel around my body and limped over to him and got down on my knees. “I’m sorry for what I did, Nathan. It was very wrong of me.”

I stared at his brown sandals as I felt his gaze on the back of my head. He didn’t say anything, just stood there. I didn’t move, either. I wanted him to know I was sincere and would await his reaction, no matter how long it took.

My hair dripped slowly down my back and front. I tried not to shiver as the droplets tickled my shoulders.

After what felt like an eternity, I felt his hand on my head. He crouched down in front of me and lifted my head with a gentle hand under my chin. He pressed his lips together as his eyes searched mine.

“I understand why you did what you did, Kyra,” he said in a soft voice. “But please… Don’t do it again.”

I nodded and swallowed. His kindness made the guilt inside my heart burn and I started crying. He picked me up and carried me to a chair near the window. My head rested against his chest, and listening to his steady heartbeat calmed my emotions.

When I was completely calm, he kissed my head and made me sit up. “How is your foot?”

I looked down at my right foot and wiggled my toes. “It hurts a little, but not bad.” I gave him a soft smile. “Thank you for cleaning it.”

He smiled back. “I wouldn’t want it to get infected.” He stood and carried me back into the bathroom. “Finish getting dressed. I’ll wait in the bedroom.”

I found my hairbrush and other hair products on the vanity. I dressed quickly in the green cotton sundress Nathan had brought me to wear and then finished drying my hair. Back home, I’d always worn my hair up in a ponytail or braid. I hated the feel of my hair in my face. But Nathan insisted I wear my hair down, and it had taken me a while to get used to it. Now I felt very feminine any time my long hair fell forward over my shoulders. Jason liked playing with my hair, too.

I limped out into the bedroom but didn’t see Nathan.

“I’m up here, Kitten,” he said from above me. I turned to see him coming down the stairs from the loft. “Luís will be here in a few minutes.” He stopped in front of me and cradled my cheek. “I want you to stay in here from now on.”

I frowned in confusion. He was imprisoning me in his bedroom? His room was kind of dark; I liked mine better. “I promise I’ll stay away from Jason, Nathan. Please don’t make me stay inside all day.”

Now Nathan looked confused. He tilted his head and then laughed. “Kitten, I meant
sleep
in here, not stay here all the time. No, you need fresh air and exercise.”

“Oh.” I gave him an apologetic look. “Sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for, Kitten. You can wander as you want around the property as before.” His eyes turned hard. “I will know if you try anything with Jason again, and I won’t be as understanding if there is a next time.”

“Yes, Nathan. I understand.” I bowed my head. I didn’t want to make him angry. As much as I loved and missed Jason, I think I feared Nathan more.

Dr. Perez arrived a little while later and looked me over while I lay on Nathan’s bed. When he was done, he looked at Nathan. “If you want an ultrasound, we’ll have to go into the city.”

Nathan frowned. “Do you need one?”

The doctor shook his head. “Not right now. But I would like one in a few months.”

Nathan sighed. “Alright.”

Dr. Perez looked at me and Nathan. “I need to tell you there is a chance of miscarriage when removing an IUD.”

“What?!” Nathan exclaimed. “Then don’t take it out.”

Dr. Perez shook his head. “There’s a greater chance if I leave it in.” Nathan growled and Dr. Perez sighed. “If I’d known you’d had sex with her, I would have given her a pregnancy test first. But even then, it would have been too soon for a positive result to show. She might not even have been pregnant when I put it in.”

Nathan went to the window and looked out. “So you’re saying that there’s a chance we’ll lose the baby when you pull it, but even more of a chance of losing it if the IUD stays in place.”

“Yes.”

“Fucking IUDs. I knew there was a reason I didn’t like them.”

“It was the fastest way to get her protected. And I wanted to make sure she wouldn’t have a reaction to the hormones before I gave her the shot.”

Nathan stood with his hands on his hips, looking out at the window like a huge, bronze statue. I glanced at Dr. Perez, whose kind smile had always comforted me and made me feel cared for and important.

After a few minutes, Nathan turned around and sighed. “Alright. Do it.”

Dr. Perez nodded and Nathan sat by me, holding my hand and watching Dr. Perez like a hawk.

Removing the IUD was much better than getting it put in. It was done within seconds, and he had me lie there for a few minutes. Nathan watched me closely.

“Are you feeling okay?” he asked me a dozen times. Each time I nodded and gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

“Rest for a few hours, Kyra, and then see how you are feeling before you get up and move around. If you feel the slightest twinge of discomfort or pain, let me know immediately.” I nodded and Nathan walked Dr. Perez outside.

I curled up and pulled the covers up over my shoulders and waited to see if anything would happen, but I didn’t feel anything. Nathan returned a few minutes later and lay down next to me, but over the covers. I turned over onto my back.

“Doing okay?” he asked.

I nodded.

Nathan ran his hand over my stomach, his eyes soft and full of affection. He leaned over and kissed me, probing my mouth with his tongue and making me moan. His hand cupped the side of my face and his kiss became deeper. When I moaned again, he pulled back slowly.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to make love right now, Kitten.” He nuzzled my cheek. “Hopefully tonight, if you’re feeling up to it.”

I spent the rest of the day in Nathan’s bed. Well, I guess I could call it my bed now. I wouldn’t be sleeping in my old bed anymore. I was sleepy all day and didn’t want to get up. Nathan checked on me several times. I was feeling fine, just tired. He really did dote on me.

I stayed in bed for dinner and Nathan came up not too long after I heard the evening social hour begin.

“I’m okay, Nathan,” I said when he came in. “You can stay downstairs if you want to.”

He shook his head. “How are you feeling?”

I smiled, knowing what he was really asking. “I’m good. No hints of cramping or anything.”

“Good.” He grinned and began unbuttoning his shirt to reveal his gorgeous upper body. I licked my lips as his chest came into view and he chuckled. “I love how you look at me, Kitten,” he said in a husky voice.

“I’ve never seen a man in real life that looks like you.”

His pants came off next and my breath caught in my throat at the appearance of his huge cock. “My body has been aching for you for weeks,” he said as he crawled into bed and knelt over me. “None of the other girls make me feel the way you do.”