Distractions (22 page)

his eyes closed, just silent. Moments

passed before either of us spoke.

“I deserved that,” he said.

I remained tight-lipped, unsure how

to react. The beating in my heart began

to slow down. I took a deep breath; it

was now or never. I had buried this

secret so deep, it was as if it never

happened. But that was a lie I have been

reminded of every twenty-eight days --

the moment I first see the tinges of blood

on the paper along with the cramping of

my

stomach.

My

hands

had

unconsciously moved over my abdomen

while I collected my thoughts. Connor

still remained quiet.

“I made it to St. Louis before I

realized something was wrong and the

withdrawal kicked in. I landed in the ER

alone with a one hundred four degree

temperature and a wicked case of

Syphilis, thanks to your cheating ass!

They told me if the baby survived, that it

most likely would have issues.”

Connor looked over me in disbelief

with rounded eyes as they moved to my

stomach before traveling back to my

gaze. I slowly shook my head.

“I was pregnant when I left. They

offered to take it, so I consented.”

I closed my eyes tightly as the

words I hoped never to speak came out.

My hands were shaking as I turned my

back to him and started to pack my

suitcase. I had to get out of here, away

from him, away from everything. My

whole body started to tremble as the

breakdown commenced. I felt the

wailing coming from the deepest parts of

my soul, demanding absolution.

As my knees started to give way,

Connor pulled me tightly to his chest

while sinking to the ground behind me.

He held tight with a vice grip, doing his

best to restrain my thrashing body. I

wanted to fight, and run, and die at the

same time. It seemed like forever passed

while I simply laid there weeping. His

fingers gently traced my hairline and

rubbed my arms for comfort.

I was empty. The carpet might as

well have been cold hard stone, because

this felt like bottom. I heard noises that

were almost words, but could not be

fully distinguished in my grief. It

sounded like someone yelling at the end

of a tunnel, the echoes coming in

fragments. Connor rolled me onto my

back and leaned over me, kissing my

forehead. As he pulled back, I could see

the splotchy redness on his cheeks. His

eyes were puffy and damp.

“I’m sorry, I am so sorry,” he

choked out.

I simply turned to roll away from

him. He should have been sorry long

before now. He pulled me back once

again and kissed me deeply. He leaned

away only enough to rest against my

forehead. His eyes closed as he spoke

softly.

“I wasn’t there for you then, and I

can’t change that. Please, Violet…

please, for the love of God, let me be

here now.”

I felt the warm tears pour down the

sides of my face as his dripped down

onto my nose.

“I loved you so much, Connor. Why

did you have to hurt me?”

His head fell down to my shoulder

as he took deep breaths he seemed

unable to catch. This was his moment of

reconciliation. I felt the weight of the

world crashing down upon him. He was

crying so hard, no sound escaped. My

arms wrapped around him and pulled

him closer, consoling him just as he had

done for me not long before. After a long

while, his cracked voice began to speak.

“It’s not an excuse. I was thinking

with my cock and not my head. If I knew

for one moment what would really

happen, I wouldn’t have done it. She

came to me, jealous of you, telling me

she could please me in ways you

couldn’t. You and I were fighting all the

time; you were getting sick of my shit. I

couldn’t stand watching you dance for

those men – how they looked at you. You

were mine.”

I rolled onto my side and propped

my head up with my elbow to the

ground. “You told her you loved her

while you were fucking her in our bed.”

I looked at him for his response.

He washed his face with his hands

and held it for a while. “Violet, a guy

will tell a girl whatever she wants to

hear while he’s in the middle of getting

off so she doesn’t stop.”

“Wow, talk about us being honest

with each other,” I replied

“Vy, I have never fallen in love

with anyone since you. I knew I would

never see you again. I felt like maybe

that was God’s way of punishing me for

what I did to you. Only, I had no idea the

damage I caused.”

“Connor, I seriously doubt that God

had anything to do with our mess. That

was all our own creation, and we had to

suffer the consequences.”

The heater against the wall kicked

in, breaking the silence that was starting

to mount between us.

“Violet...”

“Yeah?”

“Please stay with me, even if it’s

only for a week.” I could hear the

desperation in his voice.

“I have a lot to do. I am sure you

have to work. I can’t play here. This

week is about my family, not me. I can’t

let them down. They are depending on

me to hold it all together, and I am doing

a piss poor job of it.”

“I can help, Vy. Let me.” His hands

traced along my neck and chest while he

gently kissed their trail.

“You have an extra two hundred

thousand lying around so I can save my

grandparents’ land?” I laughed at the

ridiculous statement. His face, however,

was completely serious.

“Actually, I do.”

“Connor, I was being sarcastic. I

could never ask that of you!”

“What if I wanted to buy it? It’s

close to my parents’ property, and it’s

worth at least five times that much.

That’s what I do now – I took over my

parents’ development firm.”

“If you did, I don’t know when I

could start to pay you back. I couldn’t

even afford the mortgage payments the

bank told me. Don’t worry about it,

some things just aren’t meant to be.

We’re just going to sign it over to bank.”

I watched his eyes follow the

clenching of my jaw as I looked away,

trying my best to stop crying. He leaned

down and kissed the spot on my neck

where you can feel the pulse. His lips

lingered for moments, simply rested

against the skin. Hot puffs of air came

out of his nostrils, giving intermediate

burst of warmth.

“I have some serious making up to

do; let this be a start.”

Before I could protest, his searing

mouth came over mine diverting an

argument.

“We can work out some kind of

payment plan, Violet.”

He licked his lips and went straight

for my breast.

“I’m not a whore!” I yelled.

His hand reached up and placed a

finger across my mouth as his other hand

kneaded my nipple between his fingers.

“You’re too expensive to be a whore; I

guess that makes you wife material.”

My jaw dropped at his crude

comment, no matter how funny he thought

he was being. As if that were not

enough, he slammed into me, then stilled,

taking possession of my body once more.

“I would gladly buy you a million

acres if it means that I get to feel the way

I do right now every day.”

“You’re pretty confident, you

pompous prick!” My eyes started to roll

in the back of my head as he continued to

move slowly in and out.

“Do you think that this is what

marriage is like?” he asked

“What the sex part? I surely hope

so!”

“No, the bantering back and forth.”

He was smiling at me, but all I could do

was freeze. He had just repeated the

word from my dream.

To keep him from noticing my little

freak out, I asked him to take me from

behind again. I rose up to my hands and

knees and braced for his entrance.

“Don’t tell me you love me right now,

you might lose a body part.” He tensed

at my comment until I turned around and

gave him a wink.

“What do you want me to say

then?” he asked quietly.

“Anything but that...”

Chapter 21 - Deal

with the Devil

We walked slowly around the lake

behind the historic hotel I loved so much

in silence for the most part. After so

much confrontation and confession, there

was not a lot left to say. I was nervous

about Connor buying the property – not

because he would not keep his end of the

bargain, but because it was a tether I

was unsure I could handle. It meant him

being in my life again, but even more so

with me being indebted to him. The

stolen glances became magnetic gazes.

Sunlight illuminated the web of wrinkles

starting to form around his eyes, a

testimony of the truth that everything

changes with time.

Could I honestly forgive him for

what he did to me? I had to if I planned

on going through with this. Anger had

bred into a contemptuous monster that

imprisoned my heart.

This wasn’t just about me. My

actions stood to affect multiple worlds;

just like everything else, it could never

be simple. The balmy winds gently blew

across the lake that reflected threads of

gold on the small waves. A low bench

faced towards the mountains and offered

the perfect opportunity to settle the

chaos.

It was less than twelve hours ago

that Connor and I collided, yet an entire

lifetime seems to have passed. He joined

me on the small iron sitting area and

waited for me to speak. I swallowed the

lump in my throat a few times. I did not

want to feel as though I was being

cornered. I needed to believe that this

was a choice made of free will. I could

walk away right now, free and clear, and

never speak to him again. If I were in my

right mind, that might be exactly what I

would do, but I am not and I won’t. Was

the ranch so important that I would make

a deal with the devil to keep it?

The cards were in my hands, but I

was cautious of my good fortune. Connor

was looking out into the distance, lost in

the sounds of the water lapping on the

rocky shoreline. Ducks became curious

of our presence and started to gather in

hopes of a few bread chunks or bags of

popcorn that people normally brought.

I knew it was getting time to head

to the bank and broke the silence.

“I will stay with you under one

condition. It’s not because of what you

are offering me, but because I think we

have more we need to work out. I don’t

want to leave here like I did the last

time, and I will need more than a few

hours with you to find some peace. I

cannot guarantee you anything; you must

accept that now.”

Connor slid to the ground and

nestled between my knees, wrapping his

arms around my waist. As he laid his

head gently on my lap, we remained

there for a long while. I hated to

interrupt this moment, yet the clock

ticked away relentlessly as a reminder

we were not in control.

“We have to go now; it’s time.” I

spoke quietly as I leaned in to kiss the

top of his head.

The fabric seam of my pants left a

red crease along his cheek. Using the

pad of my index finger, I traced along the

mark. Connor acted as if I was going to

vanish before his eyes – the way he

watched me while kissing my knuckles.

Holding onto my hand as I got to my

feet, he assisted me up without breaking

contact. For the rest of the afternoon, he

made every attempt to be continuously

touching me in some manner. Even under

the murderous stare of Vivienne, he

remained possessive. She and I both