Divided (31 page)

“You. Only you, Ryan.” I said, feeling myself tighten around him. His hand locating my nipple.

“You’re mine, Bug. Only mine.” He told me, watching me bounce up and down on him. “Come for me, Bug, give it to me,” he said when I could no longer take it. And I did.

The world around me faded to black as my body shattered into a million pieces of ecstasy. My toes curled and tremors shook my body. Ryan continued to slowly pump in and out of me letting me ride my orgasm before he lowered me to his chest. Both of us slick and sticking to one another. I felt Ryan still hard inside of me and raised my head and kiss him.

“That was fucking amazing.” I said between breaths. 

“Will you get on all fours for me?” he asked. At this point I didn’t know what I wouldn’t do for this man.

Ryan was definitely an ass man. I slowly slid off of him and crawled on the floor in front of him. I felt him move around until he was right behind me. He placed his hand on the small of my back, holding me in place. As he held himself up, he slowly rubbed his head on my swollen clit, causing aftershocks of ecstasy.

“I missed you so much.” He didn’t push himself in, just continued to torment me. “I was lost without you.” Still he held me in place rubbing up and down. “I couldn't sleep without you.” His punishment was sweet and I savored every second of it. “You left me, I thought I would never see you again. You didn't answer my calls, my texts or my emails.”  

My arousal was building again, I heard my wetness and he rubbed himself on me. “You were made to be with me, my world crumbled when you left. It wasn't until you came back that everything went back to normal. You’ll always be mine, Bug. Regardless of what has happened or what the world throws at us.” I closed my eyes, praying silently and thanking god for this amazing man. “I love you, Alani. Only you. Always and forever.” 

He slid his thickness into me and I cried out his name. Between the sweet torture of his head rubbing on my clit and his words, I was caught by another earth shattering orgasm. Ryan grabbed my hips tight and pounded deep into me. Repeatedly. Never once letting go or slowing down his pace. The low grunts releasing from his mouth were heaven to my ears. He was close and I pushed back to meet his thrusts every time. “Fuck…you feel...so… fucking...good.” He said right before he erupted in me. He slowed his pace, pouring it all into me, letting my contracting muscles milk all that he had to give. 

As he slid out of me I was dripping in sweat, my body weak, my core satisfied.

“Is it bad that we couldn't even make it to the bed?” I asked as I attempted to get up. My legs felt like Jell-O. He reached for me and kissed me softly.

“I needed you, didn't matter where.” He said after kissing me. God I loved this man. I took his hand and led him towards the shower.

“Come on, we need to get cleaned up and go see your son.” Ryan took his time with me in the shower, making sure that I was washed only to take me again against the shower wall. 

Chapter 20
Mommy’s Here

D
r. Williamson gave Stephen one final checkup before handing him over to Ryan who fastened him tightly into his car seat. One of the nurses provided us with all the information about Stephen’s feeding, burping, changing, and bathing needs. I saw the panic growing in Ryan's eyes and interlocked my fingers with his; giving him the assurances he needed that I was with him on this. 

I sat in the back of the car with Stephen as Ryan headed home. What was usually a ten-minute ride home from the hospital becomes a thirty-minute ride. Ryan was very cautious, driving extremely slowly. I didn’t blame him. 

At two in the morning I woke with Stephen crying in the bassinet at the foot of the bed. Ryan didn’t even flinch at the sound of his son screaming. I nudged him to get up, but no luck so I crawled out of bed and walked over to Stephen. He was fussy, needing to be changed and fed. I hesitated to pick him up for just a second. It wasn't that I was afraid of holding him; I knew I would never hurt him.

My issue was that I was petrified of holding him and not being able to let go. Ryan and I were a mess and I didn't want to get attached to Stephen in the event that things didn’t work out. I knew the second I held him, that I would love him.

Rocking him in the rocking chair, I admired his little face. He was absolutely adorable. He had changed so much in the days since he was in the hospital. At five weeks early, he only weighed in at five pounds. As he sucked on his bottle I slowly rocked back and forth singing to him the same song my mother sang to me when I was a kid.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.”
I continued to sing it over and over when Ryan popped his head in the room. “Hi.” Still sleepy he scratched his eyes as he walked into the room. Leaning down he kissed Stephen’s head before he kissed mine. “You look really hot holding him, I thought you didn’t like holding him.”

      “No,” I replied quietly. “I just wanted you to enjoy him during the day” I stood up with Stephen and walked back to the master bedroom.

“Have you been up long, Bug?” Ryan asked after I placed Stephen in his bassinet, climbing back into bed with Ryan.

      “No. I heard him crying and figured I would give you a break.” I said.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear him. I just rolled over and noticed you were gone.” I snuggled up with Ryan, placing my head on his chest.

⌘

Christmas was quiet. My parents were spending their first Christmas away from me, but in a house that belonged to them so they weren’t too upset. The girls were staying local for the holidays, no last minutes trips. Ryan and I had his family over. Since Stephen was premature he couldn’t be in the cold air or he might get sick.

Ryan and I didn't have a chance to decorate the house for our small Christmas brunch. We didn't even exchange gifts but everyone brought gifts for Stephen. It was a perfect day, surrounded with love and family.

After everyone left, Stephen went down for a nap and I was exhausted. The previous night I was up with Stephen and though I struggled at first, never wanting to get attached to Stephen, caring for a child was a full time job. One filled with responsibilities and hard work. Neither of which I was ready for. Most days I kept telling myself ‘just a few more days, I’ll help Ryan out for a few more days.” But with each passing day I became more in love with the both of them.

I felt strong arms lifting me off the couch and bringing me to bed. Ryan leaned in and kissed my forehead, whispering in my ear. “Merry Christmas, Bug.” I felt him place a small box next to me. I opened my eyes, smirking at my extremely handsome guy, and reached straight for the gift. I unwrapped the perfectly wrapped present and when I opened it, there was a picture frame inside, engraved with “Me and My little man.”. The picture was a candid picture of me holding Stephen in his rocking chair. In the picture I was asleep with him in my arms, his tiny hand placed right over my heart. 

With tears peeking from within I looked at Ryan. “Ryan, it's beautiful, thank you so much.” It was the only picture I had with Stephen.

“I didn't get you anything.” I realized.

He brought his lips to my forehead. “Don't be silly. You have given me so much, I would have been lost if it wasn't for you.” I pulled him down to me and thanked him
properly
for the gift. 

⌘

It was a cold Saturday in March, like Ryan had said, you grow to love all the whiteness from the snow. Though it wasn’t a blizzard, it was enough to coat over everything making the town look like a Christmas card. I sat on the couch looking out the window, taking a few moments to relax. I watched each fluffy snow petal drop. My phone rang in my lap, waking me from my daze. To my surprise it was Melanie. I had kept in contact with all the girls but more through email or text. It was hard to pick up the phone and make a call with Stephen. 

“Hey Melly, to what do I owe this pleasure?” My voice was excited, finally having a few seconds to talk.

“Did you forget about Katie?” She asked.

The second my brain registered what she had said, I knew I’d fucked up really bad.
So much for no drama
. In the New Year I made a resolution to leave all of the drama in the prior year. Wanting to start fresh with Ryan, I wanted to forget about Marco, Stephanie, all of it.

“Fuck, is she pissed?” I stood up pacing the room, kicking myself for not marking it on my calendar.

“Pissed is an understatement. She’s on the warpath.” Melanie informed me.

“I can't believe I forgot. I’m so sorry. I’ll call her now. Thanks, Mel.” I hung up the phone and quickly called my best friend.

“Well look who it
fucking
is,” no hello just straight to the point, that's Katie. I could tell by the tone in her voice that she was boiling with anger.

“Kay, I’m so sorry.” I said. “I completely forgot about your birthday” 

“Bull. Shit.” She was furious. “ That’s bullshit and you know it. You have been completely MIA for so long. You rushed out of here right before Thanksgiving. I got a fucking
text
for Christmas. New Year’s it was a
group
fucking text and you completely forgot about my birthday, which was TWO days ago. Normally I wouldn’t give a shit but you are the person who always found a reason to celebrate everyone's birthday. Bullshit, Alani. It’s not just that you forgot my birthday. You’ve forgotten about me.”

“Katie, I’m so sorry. I’ve been so busy with the baby.” I began to explain.

“YES!” She screamed. “You are so fucking busy raising a baby that, one, isn't yours. You do realize that, Alani, you didn’t give birth to him. You are his stand in mother. And Two, Ryan never asked you to stay and raise him.” I could feel the anger in her voice. 

“That's not fair.” I fought back.

“Listen I’m just telling you how it is. Did he ask you to stay? Did he? Nope. Because if he did, you wouldn’t still be paying for your shoebox apartment. Did you stop living your life for a baby that isn't yours? Yup. So what’s not fair? Don’t get mad at me for speaking the truth.”

“Katie, I’m sorry, I missed your birthday but you don't have to be a complete bitch.” I said. Katie and I have never fought in our entire lives. 

“Look I’m not trying to be a bitch and I don’t want to fight with you. I’m just telling you how it is. Have you thought of all that can happen? Have you actually taken the time out to think about what happens when the baby is so attached to you and things between you and Ryan don't work out? Have you thought about how the
baby
might feel or even how
you
might feel? You’re falling in love with Stephen and you don't see how much you can fuck with him. His mother died and you’re the woman who’s raising him. What happens if you have to leave him because, well his dad never asked you to stay? And what about you? Let’s say shit doesn't work out for you and Ryan, do you really think you can leave Stephen behind? I know you, you love with your whole heart. You won’t be able to just walk away.” 

I had never thought of it that way. Katie continued with her lecture. “I’m not mad that you missed my birthday. I’ll have another one, I’m just worried about you. You have been there for almost five months. You don't call, you don’t come visit, nothing. You are in your own little bubble. You go from one extreme to another. What happened to the Alani that came back from Grand Forks all ready to put herself first?”

After being silent for two minutes on the phone I sucked it up and really apologized. “Katie, I’m sorry. I’ve been a shitty friend.”

“It's ok. I’ll always put you in check, you know that. But think about what I said, oh and before I forget, you got a letter from Columbia. I was pissed at you and I was nosy so I opened it, you got accepted into the grad program, congrats!”

Stephen’s crying snapped me out of my shock. “Thanks Katie. Listen I’m really sorry. I promise I’ll call more. I have to go though”

I hung up the phone with Katie and darted upstairs. I still couldn’t believe I got into Columbia. It had been a dream of mine since I was a kid. I was so lost at the thought of getting a master from a prestigious university that I didn’t even register what came out of my mouth as I picked up Stephen.

“It's ok buddy, mommy is here.”

And just like that the conversation I had with Katie replayed all over in my head. He wasn’t mine. I was not his mother. Katie was right; Ryan and I never discussed me staying here. We never talked about it. I just became his fill in.

A baseline mother. Walking, acting, thinking like I was his mother but I left everything behind and I didn’t even know who I was becoming anymore. I stayed put when I was with Marco not wanting to travel far for work, never expanding my career. I moved out here in the blink of an eye. I was raising this baby no questions asked. I couldn’t keep doing this.

Later that night at dinner my head was still spinning. Thinking it was best to get Ryan's opinion. “So I talked to Katie today.” I said nonchalantly.

“How is she doing?” He asked, placing a big bowl of pasta on the table.

“Good, we caught up on some things and she told me that I got into Colombia's graduate program.” I informed him and waited.

“Bug, that's fantastic! When did you apply?” He was genuinely curious. 

“After I left here. I wanted to do something different. I loved working with Marlene so much that I decided it would be great to be a teacher like my mom.” I said, hoping he’d ask if I was going, moving, staying, leaving.
Nothing

“You’ll be an amazing teacher.”

And just like that the subject was dropped. Ryan didn’t ask me to stay or to move or to apply to a college here. We finished our dinner and I cleaned up the kitchen while he gave Stephen a bath. I lied to him and said that I had a headache, when in reality I was just so lost. My mind raced over what Katie had said. He never asked me to stay. I didn’t know why I thought this could possibly work. Katie was right. All I knew how to do was run.