Divided (28 page)

When I parked the car in the visitor’s parking lot, I ran with all my might to the emergency entrance. The adrenaline and fear of losing him had consumed my body. I didn’t even feel the cold temperature outside. I burst through the emergency entrance door, my eyes filled with tears. I made my way to the help desk.

“Hi, I’m looking for Ryan Kraft, I was informed he was in an accident.” My voice cracked as my eyes filled with impending tears. She looked at her computer screen and typed in his name.

“I’m sorry ma’am there is no Ryan Kraft in the system.” She looked at the screen and that back at me.

“Are you sure?” Not being able to control my loud voice. “Please. Check. Again.” I yelled. I had to find him.

“Ma’am, I’m sorry…” She began.

“No!” Slamming my hands on the counter. “I was told he was brought here. Check the goddamn computer again. Please…” I felt the sobs coming from deep with in me.

“Alani?” His voice brought all the pain out at once.

Chills ran up my spine as I heard Ryan’s voice. I turned around and saw him standing perfectly fine in front of me. Without hesitation I sprinted forward straight into his arms. Our body collapsed together and he wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him tightly and sobbed into his shoulders.
He’s ok. He’s Ok.
I told myself over and over again while I cried in his arms.

“Shh, Bug, it’s ok. I’m ok.” He said rubbing his hand through my hair, holding me in place.

I hugged him tighter. Thank God he was perfectly fine but if he was ok, then why did Michael call me?

“I thought… I … lost you.” My voice barely audible.  I loosened my arms, looking up at him I didn’t think twice before I brought my lips to his. I kissed him passionately, letting go of all the fear I held onto since I hung up with Michael. I attempted to tell him with my lips how much I loved him. I had missed him so much. The pain I had felt for months left my body when his mouth opened for me, allowing my tongue to explore. My tears blended in between us. He met my passion and deepened our kiss. His arms pulled me even closer to him while we lost ourselves in each other. I pulled away from him wiping my face, while trying to catch my breath.

“Michael…. Michael called.” I stuttered. “He said there was an accident. Are you ok?” I place my hands on his cheeks looking into his eyes for any possible pain he might be in.

He bowed his head and shook it.

“No, Stephanie and her mother were on their way to the store when a tractor trailer crashed into them. It’s bad, Bug.” Not knowing how else to comfort him, I hugged him again. “Steph’s mother died on impact and Stephanie’s in critical condition.” I felt his body shake with fear and just held him, letting him know that I was here for him.

“How about the baby?” I didn’t mean to be nosey, but I knew losing his son would devastate Ryan. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“I don’t know. They’ve been operating on her for hours. She was airlifted here so I am expecting the worse.” His voice broke. Tightening my arms around his waist I tried the best I could to take away some of his pain.

Michael came up behind me and placed his hands on my shoulder. I turned around letting go of Ryan to hug him. Even though Stephanie dated Ryan, she was also Michael’s friend.

“Thank you for calling me.” I said into his ear. 

“Don’t be silly, I know that he needs you now more than ever.” He said, reciprocated the strong embrace.

When I released him we all walked over to the waiting room.  Ryan sat next to me holding my hand and shaking his knee while Michael paced the room back and forth. I was surprised to see that no one else was here that no one was here for Stephanie. Michael, Ryan, and I waited for two more hours before the doctor came in looking for him.

Dr. Smith walked in and we could all tell he didn’t have good news by the look on his face. He attempted to mask his face with a neutral tone but it wasn’t helping. I reached for Ryan’s pinky finger giving him the support he needed.

“Ryan,” The Dr. said, clearing his throat “When we were able to stabilize Miss Fuller due to the internal bleeding, we were able to perform a C-section on her. Your son was brought to the neonatal intensive care unit. He’s only five weeks premature so we want to keep him here for additional observation but he is breathing on his own so that is a good sign. We’re moving him now and you will be able to meet him soon. Though he’ll have to be hospitalized for a while until he is strong enough to go home.”

I closed my eyes and prayed.
Thank you, for saving that little boy.
 

Dr. Smith placed his hands on Ryan’s shoulder and I felt the world flip on its axis.
Fuck.

“Miss Fuller, unfortunately didn’t make it. I’m sorry. She had too much internal bleeding. Her spleen was erupted from the accident. We tried everything possible to save her. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Dr. Smith walked away and Ryan hugged me tightly. I rubbed my hand up and down his back as he cried into my shoulder. I didn’t know what to say to him so I just held him.

Michael gave Ryan his space by going to the vending machine and I held Ryan, calming him down until he was ready to go meet his son.

Ryan and I walked hand in hand though the hospital, never once speaking to one another. The NICU was on the fourth floor and I stood with him outside the entrance. Through the glass we could see all of the incubators.

“Come on, let’s go meet your little man.” I said, pulling on his hands.

“I can’t.” He stopped walking and stared at me, his eyes still red from crying.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I’m scared, I can’t do this. I don’t know if I can raise him on my own, Stephanie had no family aside from her mother and they’re both gone. He only has me now. What if I’m not a good father?” He asked. 

“Ryan, listen to me,” I said placing my hands on his shoulders. “You are going to be an amazing father, and you won’t have to do this alone, you have your family and Michael.” I assured him.

“And you?” He questioned, his eyes focused on mine.

“Yes and me, I’ll help you as much as I can. Come on,” I said, dragging him through the doors.

“Mr. Kraft, I’m Dr. Sarah Williamson, I’m the pediatric doctor assigned to your son. If you will put these on, I’ll take you in to meet him.” She handed him scrubs, a facemask, and booties for his shoes.

“Can she come in with me?” He asked the doctor pulling me to his side.

“Of course.”

Dr. Williamson handed me my own set of scrubs and we quickly put them on over our clothes and made our way towards the next set of doors. The room was warm, the smell of rubbing alcohol overpowering. We followed Dr. Williamson until she stopped at a little baby boy. He was so small.

“Mr. Kraft, this is your son. You can reach in through these openings and touch him. I’ll give you some privacy.” I stepped back allowing Ryan a private moment with his son.

“Hi buddy.” He said grabbing his little hand. “I’m your dad.” His voice broke. ”I need you to continue fighting. I need you to get better ok? I need you to get strong so I can bring you home.” Fresh tears poured from his eyes.

I got emotional watching Ryan wipe away a tear from his eye while talking to his son.  Approaching Ryan I noticed that his eyes were glassed as he continued to look down at his son in the incubator. I tried not to startle him.

“Hi.” I said in a soft whisper. “Did you pick a name yet?” I asking, trying to talk about something light.

Ryan cleared his throat before he answered. “I was thinking Stephen, after his mother.” He looked at me for reassurance.

“I think that's a great name and I think Stephanie would have liked that.” I bent down a little to look into the incubator. “Hi Stephen,” I said softly. “You stay strong in there, and know that your daddy loves you more than anything.” 

The sadness in Ryan's eyes was too much for me to handle. I rubbed his shoulder and walked out of the room giving him his privacy and I sat in the waiting room of the nursery. That way Ryan knew I was close but he also had some space. I pulled out my cell and quickly sent Katie a message. 

Me: Hey sorry I didn't text sooner. Ryan is ok. Stephanie was in a car accident. His son was born prematurely but is doing ok. Stephanie didn't make it. 

Katie: Oh no. Please send Ryan my sincere condolences. 

Me: Will do. I’ll check in with you tomorrow. 

Ryan looked like he wasn't moving from his place near his son. I didn't want to interrupt them so I found a comfortable position and let sleep take over me. 

I woke from a deep sleep with someone tapping me on my knee. As I peeled my eyes open I saw Dr. Williamson standing in front of me. I quickly wipe the drool off my mouth and stood up.

“Did something happen to the baby?” I couldn’t hide the concern from my voice.

“No, everything is fine with Stephen.” Dr. Williamson assured me by placing her hand on my shoulder. “Do you think maybe you can speak with Ryan about going home and getting some rest. He spent the whole night with Stephen and he really needs to get some sleep. Stephen's stats are normal and if there are any changes we can contact him.” I nodded to Dr. Williamson causing my neck to crack. There was a huge kink in my neck from sleeping while sitting up. 

I looked down at my watch, noting that it was four in the morning.  I put the scrubs back on and entered the nursery room, seeing that Ryan had fallen asleep sitting next to the incubator. I knelt next to him and lightly shook him awake.

“Ryan, sweetie, come on. Let's get you home so you can shower and eat something.” He looked back at Stephen who was asleep holding his daddy’s index finger. I knew that Ryan was debating on whether or not to leave him, even if it was only for a few hours.

“Dr. Williamson said that his stats are good and that he made it through his first night without any complications. She also informed me that she would contact you if there were any changes. How about we go home for a bit and you can get some sleep?” He weighed the option and then nodded in agreement. 

We made our way out of the hospital and I knew that Ryan was in no condition to drive. “Come on I’m parked over here. I’ll drive you home.” 

I pulled out of the hospital onto the main road heading towards Ryan's house. This was the first time we are alone and the silence was eating away at me. Though we had a brief moment together in the hospital it didn’t change how weird I felt at the moment. I looked over at him and he had his body facing me. Staring at me, his smile formed when I looked at him.

“Thank you for coming.” He said, slouching on the car seat.

Smirking back at him I replied. “There is no need to thank me. I just wanted to be here for you.”

His hand reached for mine as he interlocked our fingers. My heart picked up.

“How have you been, Bug?” His voice already did things to my soul but the pet name he had for me invaded my whole world.

“Eh, nothing new, same old, working.” I lied. He had enough to deal with at the moment. Bringing up my lack of financial stability was not his problem. 

“Do you miss me?” His voice was soft and my heart nearly exploded. I stopped at the red light and looked at him.

“Ryan, of course, I missed you, but don't do this.  There is a lot going on right now. We can talk about us later.”  He brought our intertwined hands to his lips and kissed the back of my hand.

“I love you, Bug.” My mind was confused but I couldn’t control the guilt that rushed through my body. Hating what happened with Marco, I brushed it off.

“I know.”

As we approached Ryan's house, my heart started to pound so loud I was afraid Ryan would be able to hear it. Being back here brought back both joy and sorrow. I could close my eyes and remember all the times we spent in there. From the first time I stayed the night, up until I left without saying goodbye. I could still see the images of him pulling into the driveway as the taxi drove me away. My heart was also aching because the whole time I was away he was here making a life with Stephanie. This was no longer my home but theirs. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was invading her life.  

Ryan got out of the car and I didn’t bother unloading my suitcase. I didn’t know how long I planned to stay. I also knew that I wouldn’t be staying here.

I followed Ryan to the kitchen and it was just as I left.
Home
, I thought.
No
not home. His home. Stephanie’s home. Not my home. I threw it all away when I walked out, I didn’t I belong here.

Stability, comfort, and happiness rushed through me. None of which I had anymore. The only stable part of my life was work. The comfort I felt in this house with him, I may spend the next lifetime searching for but I knew nothing would compare to it. Happiness. I had to laugh at the cruel joke. My body hadn’t felt any form of happiness since I was here. Even when we were all a fucked up family living here Ryan, Stephanie and I, I was happy. I hadn’t felt that feeling since I walked out of this house.

“I’m going to hop in the shower you know where everything is. If you need anything, just shout.” He said, rubbing his tired face.

I walked over to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair, sitting down. “Do you want me to cook you anything?” I asked.

“Please, I would love anything right now.” His body hung low with exhaustion as he walked away.

As Ryan walked up the stairs I began going through his fridge looking for something to cook. I settled on making him an omelet with toast.  Looking around I found it strange that there was nothing new on the counters or in the fridge. It was as if Ryan was here all alone. Curiosity got the best of me and I looked for anything that belonged to Stephanie. I didn’t see any clothes in the laundry room either. No shoes by the door.  Nothing.

I heard Ryan turn off the shower and I darted back to the kitchen before I got caught snooping. I poured the scrambled eggs over the sautéed spinach and could smell Ryan's scent before I felt him wrapping his arms around me. He planted his face at the crook of my neck and inhaled deep.

“When you left and wouldn’t answer any of my calls I thought I would never be able to do this again.” His voice pierced through me. I quickly turned the stove off and handed him his plate of food.