Divine Liaisons (19 page)

Chapter 29

Standing, he offers me his hand, the merciless pain in my shoulders now gone. He's unshackled me.

“Come, have a drink with me.”

I have no words, no fight, no will left. I am surrendering.

Taking the hand, he helps me stand, leading me to the library, where it's warm.

The doors thud closed behind us, sealing us in with firm finality.

He's looking me over, and his expression is grief personified. I am so ashamed, so saturated with guilt, I can't bear his compassion and love. Bursting into tears, I cover my face with my hands, sobbing. I stand without a shred of clothing or dignity before two chairs, on a rug which is soft and welcoming, the fire laughing and chuckling at my fall from grace.

He takes my hand, and through a heaving chest and mouth twisted in misery, my nose running with my eyes, I force myself to look at him. Vertigo whirls the room into a blur when I see him kneeling on one leg before me, staring up, holding my hand.

“Forgive me, Lili. Forgive me for what I did in my past.”

Nodding, too choked to speak, I want to throw myself at his feet, beseeching him to forgive me and show me mercy.

My legs cave, my knees giving in to the trembling of my thighs, kneeling before him as if in prayer, I clutch his hand in both of mine.

“
I'm sorry.” It's hoarse, raw, broken, stuttered. It scratches a mark of guilt right through my core.

He looks at my body, and the wings retract like a blow between my shoulder blades. Instantly clean and clothed, he threads his arm over my shoulders, speaking into my forehead with close lips, “I love you. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Nothing.”

Withdrawing, his gorgeous body resting on his heels, his knees still touching me, his hand still in mine, his voice is a melody around me.

“
You may be unwilling to give me a week. Please Lili, give me tonight. Let's eat together, dance together, and just sit enjoying each others company. I have so much to say, and you've yet to give me the opportunity to make my wrongs right. Hear me out, over a meal, a drink, be my friend.”

Gulping, the ache in my throat is so painful, it feels like I have a shard of glass lodged in it.

Nodding, I am desperate to make my wrongs right too.

“
Yes.”

His smile stretches his beautiful face into glory, but it's so sad.

Drawing me into his arms, he rubs my back gently, “We're going to make it. We're going to be okay. No more crying, princess. It breaks my heart to see you cry.”

I can't stop. It's a hundred years of ache, of loneliness, just arrived on me in one tidal wave, and I would give my life for a friend, an ally. For real love. And here he is, showing me a side to god I didn't believe existed. It's total forgiveness and compassion. I need a friend too.

Huddled into his warmth, surrounded with his protection, it needles pain into me with the force of an executioner. I hurt, my soul, my heart, my body, my mind, everything I am, hurts; and I hurt with shame.

Gentle waves cascade through me, filling my cold up with musical warmth. His music is so incredible, it sends my blood into a hypnotic trance, dancing in mesmerized adoration.

He holds me until the tears stop. Slowly, carefully, he pulls away, and I'm surprised by the gold patch on his tight black shirt.

“
I'm pouring us that drink now. Okay?”

Wiping my eyes, sniffing, I nod. Still too ashamed to look him in the eyes.

An ache fills me when he leaves my side. Fighting my tremulous mouth, I battle to get a grip, to be the woman he needs me to be, to have the strength to hear his side of the story.

His shadow falls over me, and he lifts me, taking me to the chair before the hearth, placing me in it, then pushing a glass into my hand.

Seating himself on the twin, he holds his glass out to me.

“
To us. Healing the past so we can both have a future.”

Swallowing hard, I clink crystal to crystal.

Sipping, fire slides down my throat, like pouring acid on a raw wound. Stinging my eyes, coughing slightly, I keep drinking, until it's gone.

Swallowing against the lava searing my throat, I hold my hands tight in my lap, finally looking at him.

His smile is tender, holding his hand out for me to hold.

Slipping my hand into his, his grasp caresses my hand with protection, sending tendrils of love up my arm, wrapping around my heart.

“You have every right to be angry. When I came here, I was a relatively young being. I am sure you've been around mankind long enough to know what teenagers are like?”

I nod my answer.

His thumb is running over the back of my hand, firing my blood. His smile is still sad, and I wish it didn't hurt me so much to see it.

“
I was immature. I made everyone suck up to my ego, swearing allegiance, proving loyalty, and giving me gifts to prove their adoration. I had such a bad case of 'up my own ass', I was ruthless. I was cruel, and when someone crossed me, I would get angry enough to rain hellfire on them. It meant nothing to me.”

Staring back into the fire, he is lost in eternity, sharing his failings in a tone thick with remorse.

“I am only half angel. It's the other half which gets me into trouble. This body I have, it craves everything humanity craves. I ached for a companion. I had roaring desire burning me up from the inside, and no way to release it. So I made you. Not for one second did I entertain the thought that my own creation would have a will of their own. A mind to challenge mine. And the might to put me in my place.”

He shoots me a fond grin, his eyes shooting celestial sparkles at me, like love embers reaching across to kiss my cheeks.

“And then, you were noticed by my brethren. I went wild, Lili. You were mine. I was just like a teenager, ready to start a war over another guy looking at my girl. But you refused to listen. Not you. You are a free spirit. You loved earth so much. You'd sit for hours just staring at the beauty. Looking at humanity and wanting to mother them up. My anger had no place in your life. And there was no way you were going to sit back and let me dictate to you. You didn't care who was looking at your beautiful body and face, you had eyes for only nature. The only thing capturing your heart was the spatter of wildflowers across the plains, the roar of crisp water down a mountain, soaring on the wind, laughing your enchanting sweet laugh across the sky. And we all loved you. And it was killing me.”

Glistening eyes rake my soul with their intensity. He is so beautiful. His voice hums between us when he continues.

“I snapped. And you ran. But the Sibitti caught you, returning you to me. You awoke in all of us a fierce craving to know another intimately. It was a need we couldn't ignore forever. We were separated from heaven for a very long time. For us it was a distant memory. And God didn't care, he's not that kind of God. He's a free Spirit, and he sees nothing as wrong. There is no judgment. That's a huge lie. I'm the only god you ever knew who gave judgment, because I am not pure love. Pure love is patient. It lets you make mistakes again and again, letting you grow into your own strength and wisdom. Waiting for you to realise love is everywhere, in everything. But I tainted mankind with my teenage blood, and ego. There's no place of eternal suffering. I made it up to scare the masses senseless. Put a swarm of bees in the middle of a crowd, tell them they're about to get stung to death, and watch them scatter. All calm and power instantly obliterated with fear.”

His jaw ticks with tension. His full bottom lip quivering ever so slightly.

“I controlled with fear, because I had fear. My fear was someone would take you away from me. So when Solomon offered to build a temple to show how much I meant to him, I saw it as the perfect opportunity to build a royal building for my mate. A royal prison to hide you from my kind who were skimming your long legs with lusty gazes. Staring at your lips wondering how they felt on skin. Oh Lili, I loved you so much, it hurt me, it made me crazy. I was a fool, and I did the worst thing I could. When you were returned to me, you were sealed up in the Holy of Holies, to hide you from mankind. So no other being could ever look at you that way again. What I could not know then, was that by hiding the world away from you, I hid you away from the world.”

He stands, moving to the mantle, shoving his forehead into his hand, resting his elbow on the lip of it, staring into flames of fury.

“I reserved the right to lust after you for myself. The Holy of Holies is covered with your emblem. A white lily. Your favorite flower, and mine. I named it after you. And flanking the lily, was my symbol. The symbol for Judah. A lion. It's not called a
pride
of lions without good reason. And on the other side, my first man, his symbol the bull. That's all we left in that room for you to stare at. Only my high priest was allowed in to tend to you, and I tested them daily. When it came to you, I was taking no chances.”

Looking up, hot tears run ribbons on his pale face.

“It took me so long to see how wrong I was. To see how much I hurt you. And I have truly been trying to make it right since then. Immanuel came to tear the curtain down, exposing you to the world again. Showing them what mankind had hidden inside that room. A female god. One kept in the dark and hidden away. And because of my ego, men thought women were something to own, possess, control. And they did. They did it with as much sensitivity as their god. With might, and anger.”

Thumping a tight fist into the mantle, his voice drops so deep and husky, the pain shivers to my toes.

“When I let you out and back into the open, they shut you back in again. There was no way they were sharing their power with a being made for my lust. A being so long a servant in her own home, she would never hold her head up with pride or power again.”

“
But you, the one in that room, ran for your life that day. When you saw daylight, it called you out, and like an eagle you took to the skies. Mankind might hide the truth of what was in that room, but the secret had left the building.”

He looks at me with raw pain chiseling his face, the dimple in his left cheek twitching. “And it's taken me this long, to find you. I found you sixty years ago, and I've been working out a way to approach you ever since.”

He turns away from the hearth, coming back to kneel before me, holding my hands in his.

“
I promise you, I have done everything I can to make my wrongs right. I have not shown my face here to my followers and creation, letting them know who I am, because then I would make mistakes. My approach has changed. I prefer subtle manipulation, urging them into the new age of love, with a father's hand of guidance. Not the roaring rage of a petulant brat. Which I was, of that I have no doubt.”

He kisses my hands, and I'm so tempted to run my fingers through the glossy black hair bowed over my knees.

“You may have noticed, many authors and film makers are now introducing Lilith's story and name back into the world, publicly. The internet is rife with the truth. I am clearing your name. I am! But I won't do it using the methods that caused the rift. I learned from you, Lili. I learned that love is gentle, and it's patient. It took me eons to do the damage, and it can't be undone in a year. This healing will take time. And I will not just arrive and cause a revolution. Pitting women against men. The creatures alive today are simply perpetrating my crime. But their rules are failing them. The church is rife with the worst kind of cruelty. Forcing women away from the choice of birth, and stained with a history of buggering children so they can never function normally as adults. And all in my name. They created a church which I did not. I did not give mankind my power. But when I was distracted searching for you, in a mere two thousand years, this monstrosity grew to swallow the world.”

His hands move to grip my knees.

“And I countered it. Inspiring men to give women equality. The vote, allowed to earn their own money. In essence Lili, it is freedom from oppression.”

Hot tears bathe my hands, “Forgive me for not cherishing you. Forgive me for hurting you. I love you, and I will never stop working to make this right.”

I have tears scalding my own face. So choked up.

“
I'm so sorry, Erra. Of course I forgive you. How can you ever forgive me for lashing out and attacking you?”

“
I deserved it. It took a very long time to make you angry. I am sorry I forced you into such a state of desperation.”

“
Did I ever love you?”

Holding my hand to his cheek, rubbing it with loving tenderness, his smile is wretched.

“I think you did.” Inhaling deeply, his eyes flare with brilliance. “Lilit, I will never force you to love me and be mine again. If you want to be with Dustin, I will not stand in your way. At least if you are with him, I will have the peace of mind of knowing where you are, and that you are safe.”

Oh god. This is killing me. My throat is so sore now, I am being strangled with emotional pain.

“But please, give me tonight. Let me explain your body and abilities. Let me hold you in my arms and dance with you a last time. Don't send me away a beggar. I'm begging you for charity. Please. Please, princess, let my memories of you be warm and gentle. I couldn't bare to live forever with my last memories of you covered in my blood, shaking with anger at what I did to you.”