Doctor January (16 page)

‘Wow,' Gordon whispered in her ear. ‘That was amazing.' He kissed her shoulder. She turned her face away, but he didn't seem to notice. ‘You're something special. You really are.'

Beth lay very still. Her mouth was so dry she couldn't have spoken, even if she'd wanted to. Gordon gave her shoulder another kiss, nuzzled against her, and fell asleep.

For a long time afterwards, Beth lay there, staring at the darkness, not daring to move. She heard Anna come home and go to bed. Beside her, Gordon slept, his breathing deep and regular.

She looked across at him. He seemed so content. There was no way he could have done it on purpose. She took a deep breath and felt the muscles in her ribs. Muscles she'd barely thought about before. She needed a wee. She needed to sleep. She needed … to be somewhere else. But she couldn't do any of these. She continued staring into the space above her. Glad it was there. Glad it was empty.

The next morning, Beth felt ragged. She had eventually fallen asleep, but she still felt tired. Sitting on the bed, she watched Gordon rush around and pull on his clothes. She touched her nose and wondered if she'd imagined the whole episode from the night before.

‘Gordon,' she said.

‘Yes, babe?' He was leaning over to pull on his socks and she couldn't see his face fully.

‘Last night …'

‘Mmm?'

‘Last night, did …' Beth stopped. ‘Did you try to suffocate me' sounded like a ridiculous question. Of course he hadn't. People didn't do that to their girlfriends. If he'd wanted to suffocate her, he'd have used a pillow. He wouldn't have tried to smother her with his chest during sex. The more she thought about it, the sillier it sounded.

Gordon finished putting his socks on. When he turned to look at her, he was smiling. ‘Last night was pretty special wasn't it?' He touched her cheek and she resisted the urge to move back. ‘I'm glad you enjoyed it too,' he said. ‘I could tell from the way you were panting.' He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and leaned in to plant a kiss just below her earlobe. ‘I love you,' he whispered.

Her mind reeled. He'd thought she was just super aroused. That's why he hadn't responded when she struggled. He hadn't meant to harm her. The explanation was there. Right there. It should have helped, but somehow it didn't. She must have done something stupid to cause that lack of communication, but she couldn't figure out what. She hugged her knees, suddenly filled with a weird mixture of shame and fear. All she wanted to do right now was disappear. Tears threatened and she ducked her head so that Gordon didn't see.

‘I've got to run off, babe. I'm sorry.' He straightened out his clothes. ‘I'll see you later. Don't forget you're coming to the department's annual dinner with me tomorrow.' He planted a kiss on her mouth.

‘Yes,' she managed weakly.

‘I'll pick you up at seven.' He patted her on the shoulder and left.

Beth continued sitting on the bed, staring into space, for a long time. After a while, Anna's alarm went off, and Beth moved and dragged her feet into the kitchen to find that Gordon had left the washing-up. She sighed and rolled up her sleeves.

Hibs finished his meeting with Roger and got up to leave.

‘I'll walk back with you,' Roger said. ‘I need to talk to Beth.'

Hibs held the door open and let his boss past. The meeting had gone well. Roger was impressed with the pictures and data from Hibs's portion of the work. He only needed a few more data sets and they could start writing a paper. With the colourful pictures, there was a good chance they could make a cover article in a decent journal. ‘Actually,' he said. ‘Beth's pictures would make a nice tie-in.'

‘What pictures? I asked her to repeat the phenotype data.'

‘She has. It's the same as before. Not statistically significant.'

Roger stopped. ‘Beth's not exactly the most on-the-ball person, is she?'

Hibs frowned. ‘She's very organised and capable. I don't understand what your concern is.' He knew Roger wasn't very supportive, but he'd assumed it was merely down to his being stressed out and a bit depressed. It had never occurred to him that he might doubt Beth's ability to stay the course.

‘Well,' said Roger. ‘She's vague; she doesn't listen to instructions; she never completes her data sets properly and, let's face it, she's more interested in her extra-curricular activities than in her work.'

Hibs drew a sharp breath. That was unfair. ‘Hang on. On what evidence have you formed this conclusion?'

‘It's obvious.'

‘Not to me, it's not. As far as I know, she's completed every task you've set her. She's been helping me with this last set of experiments. Half the work you just admired is hers.'

Roger looked surprised. ‘Is it?'

‘Yes.'

‘Hmm.' Roger started to move out of the office but Hibs stepped in front of him.

‘Roger. Do you have a good reason to believe Beth isn't up to doing a PhD?'

Roger glanced up and down the corridor and leaned conspiratorially towards Hibs. ‘She's not exactly brilliant, is she?'

‘Why did you take her on then?'

‘I didn't have a choice. I only had two viable candidates and the first one didn't want it. The funding was time limited, so it was take the second choice candidate or lose the money. I didn't want to take her, but I couldn't think of a good enough reason not to.'

‘You took her on as your student: you have a duty towards helping her. You might want to think about that.'

‘Are you threatening me, Hibs?' Roger squared up to him.

‘Not at all,' Hibs said, as pleasantly as he could manage. ‘Just pointing out some key university policies.' Whatever was going on in Roger's life, he couldn't take it out on the PhD students.

Roger narrowed his eyes at him, but didn't respond.

They strode into the lab in silence. Beth was at her desk, staring at the computer screen, sitting very still.

‘Beth, have you got that phenotype data?' said Roger.

Beth turned slowly and looked blankly at him for a moment before replying. ‘Yes. Sure.' She turned back to her computer and started clicking through her files.

Roger gave Hibs a ‘See what I mean?' glance. Hibs had to admit that Beth wasn't being particularly confidence-inspiring at the moment. She looked even more tired than usual. He'd had to rush into Roger's office first thing, so he hadn't had time to talk to her that morning.

‘Here.' Beth centred a graph on-screen and moved out of the way.

Roger looked at it. ‘Hmph.'

‘Statistically significant?' said Hibs.

‘No.' There was a curious flatness to Beth's voice, as though her mind was elsewhere. She was chewing on her lip.

Roger said, ‘Hmph,' again. ‘Well this isn't much use for my presentation.'

Beth said nothing. Hibs wished she'd speak up for herself.

‘I'll just have to leave your work out of my presentation,' said Roger.

Beth still said nothing.

‘I'll see if Vik has some of his slides ready.' Roger walked off without any further comment.

When he'd gone, Beth closed the file down, checked her timer and went back to staring blankly at the screen. Worried by her unresponsive behaviour, Hibs perched on the desk next to her. ‘Beth, are you okay?'

‘Fine,' she said, but she didn't look at him. There were frown lines on her forehead and the bags under her eyes were so dark she looked like a lemur. Her eyes were shot with red and her lip was starting to look raw where she'd chewed on it. Maybe she really needed to get some more sleep.

‘You don't look fine.'

‘Don't I?' She finally stopped staring at nothing and looked away.

‘In fact, you look bloody awful.' He leaned towards her. ‘Look, we've only got three more nights of experiments to go. Do you want me to do all of the rest?' He was supposed to be taking a karate class that evening but he could try and change it, see if he could swap with one of the other instructors.

‘No.' Her response was a little faster than he'd expected. He didn't believe it for a minute. Whatever was bothering her, she clearly didn't want him to probe her about it.

‘I'll be fine. Don't worry about it,' she said. ‘I'm just tired. As you say, it's only a few more nights.' For the first time, she made eye contact.

Hibs tensed. Her eyes were too wide, too intense. Something was wrong. What had happened to her to make her so worried? Fear scratched at him.

She seemed to sense that he'd realised and looked away.

‘Beth …'

She plugged headphones into her ears and ignored him.

Beth stared out of the window. She was supposed to be writing up her results, but she couldn't concentrate. All she could think about was the night before. There were two possibilities: Gordon had blocked her air supply by accident and mistaken her struggling for enthusiasm. Or he had done it on purpose. Both ideas seemed preposterous. He was her boyfriend; he loved her. He'd cooked her a lovely meal and they'd had such a wonderful evening. He was changing his career plans to be with her. Those weren't the actions of someone vindictive. Okay, sometimes he got annoyed with her and a little intense, but that was just because he loved her so much. He'd said so.

On the other hand, it was pretty difficult to smother someone by accident. Really. She wondered idly if Hibs had ever managed to suffocate someone while making love to them. He didn't have the sort of pecs Gordon did. And she shouldn't be thinking about his pecs anyway. She cast a furtive glance over her shoulder before she reminded herself that Gordon wasn't there. And even if he were he couldn't read her mind. Neither could Hibs.

A third possibility floated up to the surface: she'd imagined it. That morning, Gordon had behaved exactly as normal, as though nothing untoward had happened. And she had been really tired and woozy. Maybe she'd had some sort of anxiety attack and somehow imagined Gordon was squashing her on purpose. She opened up a browser and googled ‘panic attack'. From what she read, it seemed it was possible.

Next to her wrist, the timer beeped, making her jump. She stared at it for a moment before she remembered why it was beeping. It was time to go and check her bacteria to see if they were ready to be set up for tonight's experiment. She closed down her browser and went to the hot room.

When she returned, she slid back into her seat and noted down the time and the reading from the spectrophotometer. She had to check the time twice before she was sure she'd done it right.

The more she thought about it, the more it seemed likely that she'd had some sort of panic attack and just imagined the whole thing with Gordon. It was a relief to stop worrying about whether her boyfriend was some sort of psycho. On the other hand, what was happening to her? Not only had she had a panic attack and imagined an actual attack, she'd almost accused her boyfriend of trying to suffocate her. Which made her paranoid. That could not be a good thing. She bit her lip again and felt it split. She tasted blood. Damn.

She sucked at her lip and felt the sting. It was oddly reassuring. At least she could be sure she wasn't imagining that.

There was the sound of footsteps behind her, but she ignored them.

‘Beth.' Hibs leaned on the desk next to her.

‘What?'

‘Are you sure you're okay?'

No. I'm paranoid. I'm losing the plot. A few nights of broken sleep and I turn into a total nutjob. ‘No,' she said.

‘What's wrong?' Hibs hunkered down next to her.

She turned to face him. ‘Hibs, do you think I'm crazy?'

He said no. But the look on his face … His eyes widened. Frown lines appeared. He looked really … wary. Beth turned back to her computer. ‘Huh. You've noticed.'

‘No. Beth, what's going on?'

Beth shrugged. ‘Dunno.'

Hibs laid a hand on her arm and it was all she could do not to recoil from the contact. ‘Beth, I think you need to get some sleep. I'll do the rest of the night shifts. You take some time off.'

‘No point,' she said. ‘I'll be fine.' She looked at him again. Even with the worry lines, he looked beautiful. His face was level with hers and his hand was burning a hole in her sleeve. If she told him now, what would happen? Hibs had always been kind and friendly. He would listen to her fears, but what would he think of her? Would he be wary of being friends with a crazy person?

She bit her lip again and felt it sting. She couldn't tell him. She couldn't tell anyone. Working this one out was up to her. She removed his hand from her arm and stood up. ‘Excuse me.'

Hibs watched Beth leave. Something was definitely wrong. Why did she think she was crazy? What kind of crap was Gordon telling her now? Whatever it was, it must have one hell of a hold on Beth for her to let Roger take her slides out of his presentation. This meeting was a big deal: the whole department would be there and it showcased the lab. Except now it would showcase the lab without Beth's work. He was surprised and disappointed that she'd let him do that without an argument. Something about the way she was, the thousand-yard stare, the vagueness, frightened him. He couldn't just sit there and watch her slide further under Gordon's spell. There had to be something he could do to help.

He hurried down the corridor and out of the security doors to find somewhere quiet and phoned Lara. It went to answerphone so he left a message asking her to call him. Then, unable to leave the problem alone, he called Anna.

‘Hello. Didn't expect to hear from you,' Anna said brightly. ‘Have you changed your mind then?'

‘Actually, I'm phoning about Beth.'

‘What about her?' The friendly tone left Anna's voice.

‘Have you noticed anything odd about her lately?'

‘Let's see? She has massive self-esteem issues and she's going out with a guy who treats her like crap … Apart from that, no, not really.'

‘She's been behaving really oddly today. Can you talk to her?'

There was a pause. ‘You're really worried that something's wrong?'

‘Yes.' Bloody hell. What did it take to convince her? Why was he the only person who could see the size of the problem?

‘Like what?'

‘I'm not sure. She's been staring into space and chewing her lip to bits. Then she asked me if I thought she was crazy. Do you know if she had a row with Gordon?'

‘They seemed happy enough last night.' Anna paused. ‘Although, come to think of it, she didn't say much this morning. Gordon made her this meal last night; he seemed quite pleased with it.'

‘Really? Gordon cooked?' Well, that was a turn up. Maybe he had wanted something. His mind whirred. What if he'd asked Beth to do something and she'd refused. Could he have hurt her in some way? Or threatened her? Hibs clenched a fist in anger. If Gordon had actually hurt Beth …

‘Could be the lack of sleep thing. You guys have been working crazy hours lately.'

‘I suppose.' He wasn't convinced. Tired was one thing; Beth's behaviour was something else. ‘Look, can you keep an eye on her?'

Anna sighed. ‘Okay. Fine. I'll try.' Another pause. ‘Wanna come and help me?'

The comment derailed Hibs's train of thought. He tried to think of a glib answer and failed. ‘I've got to go.'

When Beth got home that night, thankfully Anna had already gone to bed. Beth found a bottle of wine on the side – it must have been Anna's, she thought, but poured herself a glass anyway.

She sat at the kitchen table, her hands curved around the glass. If she was going crazy, she needed to think about it. Get her facts straight. Then go to see her GP. There might be pills you could take for paranoia. She needed a plan. She grabbed a pen and looked around for a piece of paper. Seeing none to hand, she went over to the almost-full recycling bin, thinking there must be an envelope or something she could use. She started to remove the magazines and newspapers, without looking at what she was pulling out.

Suddenly, something caught her attention. It was part of the packing from an M&S pre-prepared salad and she could see the words ‘mango, avocado'. Frowning, Beth delved back into the box and found the rest: ‘and prawn with lemon dressing'. The salad that Gordon had made for her. He'd claimed to have prepared it himself. She laid the two halves on the floor. It could be a coincidence. Maybe Anna had bought the same salad. She returned to the box, hoping not to find anything more. But it took only a few seconds to locate the wrapper showing lamb, minty potatoes and green beans. All prepared. Just pop in the oven.

Beth sat back on the floor and stared at evidence of the meal that Gordon had ‘cooked' for her. For a moment, she felt nothing. Then a clamour of emotion. She wouldn't have minded that he'd bought ready-made food. She would have been thrilled just to get the attention. But he'd lied to her. And, worse, he'd thought her so stupid that he hadn't even bothered to hide the packaging where she wouldn't see it. He'd assumed she wouldn't find it. She nearly hadn't. Oh god. She really was as gullible as he thought she was.

Her wonderful romantic meal had been a lie. It was like someone tearing wax strips off her heart. Gordon didn't love her. He was just playing with her. Treating her like an idiot. She thought about the terror of the night before and knew that she hadn't imagined it. He had been trying to suffocate her. Not to kill her, just enough to frighten her. But why? Did he get off on that sort of thing?
Why
? The answer came to her almost before she'd finished the question. Punishment. He was punishing her for not saying he could go in the calendar.

Beth reached up for the glass of wine and found her hands were shaking. It took her a few attempts to take a sip.

So what now?

She stared down at the packaging. She could confront him with it. But what did that prove? Gordon would say it was just some packaging. It didn't mean it was his. She could ask Anna if she'd had the same meal. But then Anna would think she was being weird.

Beth chewed her lip, ignoring the pain. Who could she tell? No one. She needed more information. More proof so that Gordon couldn't claim the benefit of the doubt. But where could she get that?

She carefully gathered up her ‘evidence'. She would have to keep it somewhere safe, where Gordon wouldn't find it. As an afterthought, she carefully labelled the backs with the date and where she'd found them.

In her room she crawled under her bed and stuck the bag in the bed slats. Gordon wouldn't find it there. When she climbed into bed, it smelled of Gordon, so she climbed back out and stripped the bedclothes off. She found a new set, slamming the cupboard doors shut as she went. As she was battling to put the duvet cover back on, Anna knocked on her bedroom door.

‘What are you doing?' Anna was wearing her little shorty pyjamas and top and looked like she'd just rolled out of bed. ‘It's past midnight.'

Beth paused, duvet still in hand. She had forgotten it was so late and hadn't bothered being quiet. ‘Sorry,' she said. ‘I was just … changing the bed.' Should she tell Anna her fears?

Anna was watching her carefully. ‘Beth, are you okay?'

No. Not Anna. Not yet.

‘Yes.'

‘Because if there's anything bothering you, you know I'll help you in whatever way I can.'

‘I'm fine,' Beth said. ‘Just tired. Want to go to bed.'

Anna nodded and shuffled back to her room.

Alone again, Beth finished sorting out the bedclothes and got back into bed. She couldn't talk to Anna. Lara had problems of her own. That just left Hibs. And she didn't want him to think she was an idiot.

Beth didn't sleep much in between trips to the lab to take her readings. She needed more information. If she confronted Gordon with these scraps of ideas, he would just laugh at her until she ended up believing she was wrong.

By the time her experiments were finished, she knew what she had to do. She made a list of all the things that Gordon said which could have been lies. Then, having tucked the list safely under the bed, next to the packaging, she finally fell asleep.