Doctor January (20 page)

Beth nodded. He didn't need to explain that to her. ‘Science is a cruel mistress, huh?'

‘Exactly.'

She got off her bike and turned it round. ‘I'll help you.'

Hibs took the bike from her and wheeled it along with one hand. They walked side by side.

Beth realised that she was smiling. Somehow, she felt lighter than before. Happy, in some indefinable way. She glanced over at Hibs and saw that he was smiling too. She reached across and took his free hand. His fingers wrapped around hers. They walked back to the lab hand in hand, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

By the time they finished up in the lab, most coffee places were shut. ‘I can make you a coffee,' Hibs suggested. ‘Your place or mine?'

‘Yours.' There was always the risk of running into Anna if they went back to her flat.

Hibs's house was only a tiny one-bedroomed place, but still a real grown-up house. The front door opened straight into the living room, which had hardly any furniture in it. The only evidence of regular use was a fleece lying on the table and a stack of papers on the sofa.

Beth had been there before; it was nice, homely, if a little spartan for her taste.

Hibs drew the curtains and returned to Beth. ‘So, what can I get you? Tea, coffee, hot Ribena?'

‘You're serious about this coffee thing?'

‘Of course. That's what we came here for. I wouldn't want to have brought you here under false pretences.' He was very close to her now; she looked into his grey eyes and saw the laughter in them.

‘Oh shut up.' She reached up and put her arms around his neck.

He laughed and pulled her to him. There was no hesitation in his kiss. Beth felt as though her whole body were liquid. She kissed him back, wanting him more and more with each second. She found the hairband that was keeping his hair back and tugged it off. His hair smelled of expensive shampoo and it slid over her hands, soft and heavy. The sensation was incredibly arousing. Beth gave a little moan.

Hibs took her hand and led her up the narrow staircase and into his bedroom.

She helped him pull off his T-shirt. His body was lean and toned. Beth ran her hand over the smattering of hair on his chest. Gordon's chest had been smooth where he'd removed his body hair to reduce drag in the pool. She'd forgotten what honest body hair looked like. They shed the rest of their clothes and Hibs pulled her to him, kissing her. His hair fell onto her shoulder like an extra caress.

They kissed for what seemed like hours, yet not long enough. By the time Hibs laid her on the bed, she wanted him so much she thought she'd explode. He moved on top of her and, suddenly, she was reminded of Gordon crushing her. The flashback was so vivid she let out an involuntary cry.

Hibs froze. ‘What's wrong?' He moved off her and rolled onto his side, next to her. ‘Beth?'

‘Nothing. It's nothing.' She reached for him. No, no, no. She'd had the chance to have something good and she'd ruined it. She wanted him so much but she'd blown it. She felt a wave of self-pity well up inside her. The happy buzz vanished and tears threatened.

He sat up and turned on the lamp. ‘Beth? What's the matter?'

With the light on, she was suddenly terribly aware of her nakedness. She was lying on top of the duvet and there was nothing to cover herself with. Feeling exposed and vulnerable, she scrambled into a sitting position, pulling her knees up in front of her.

‘Tell me what's bothering you. If you don't tell me, I can't help.' Hibs reached across and picked up his T-shirt. He passed it to her.

Beth took it in both hands. It was as though he'd read her mind. The simple act of kindness was like a raindrop after a drought. He hadn't even paused to think, just handed her the T-shirt because he saw she felt exposed. How had she forgotten what normal people did for each other? She pulled the T-shirt on and felt its comforting warmth cover her. Hibs was watching her, sitting naked on the bed, his face creased with worry. Suddenly it was all too much. The emotions she'd been keeping at bay burst over her in one massive sob.

Hibs gathered her to him and held her. ‘Shhh.' He rocked her gently and kissed her hair until the sobbing subsided. ‘Tell me what's wrong.' He sounded worried and flustered. ‘I can't help if you don't tell me.'

Curled up against him, with her face buried in the hollow of his neck, she told him. When she got to the bit where Gordon suffocated her, she felt him draw a sharp breath and go very still. The feelings of fear and shame that she'd felt the morning after Gordon's attack came back. What was Hibs thinking? Gordon would have told her it was her fault – did Hibs think the same? She looked up. His jaw was clenched so hard that a vein was throbbing in his neck. He was angry. With her?

‘Hibs?'

He looked down. At the sight of her, his face softened. ‘Oh, Beth. I had no idea. If I'd known I wouldn't have …' He planted a kiss on her forehead. His arms tightened around her and he rested his cheek against the top of her head. ‘Beth? Have you considered going to the police?'

She looked up. ‘The police?'

He stared at her with a puzzled frown. ‘He raped you,' he said, as though it were obvious. Rape? She hadn't thought of it like that. She had focused so much on the fact that she couldn't breathe. She had asked Gordon to stop. Hadn't she?

‘He was my boyfriend,' she said, carefully. ‘We were having sex. No one will believe that I didn't consent.' He would lie. He would be charming and disarming and she would be a dithering mess. No one would believe her. She sighed. ‘I should have said “no” clearer. I should have—'

‘Should have nothing,' Hibs said. ‘No one has the right to treat another human being like that. He isolated you from your friends. He tried to control everything in your life. I bet he's done little things to you before like that – to punish you for breaking some arbitrary rule. Am I right?'

She thought about the past few weeks with Gordon. She went to the pub without telling him and he made her late for the lab meeting. Saying no to putting him in the calendar led to him half killing her. She thought about the episode with the T-shirt and wondered what had prompted that. What had happened before? They'd had a conversation about Hibs fancying her. Had she somehow let on that she was attracted to him? Perhaps Gordon had seen the way Hibs felt about her. He was still holding her tight, and she looked up at him. Hibs moved to meet her gaze.

‘Do you remember that day when Gordon and I were messing around in the kitchen …?'

‘When I got back from the cinema with Anna? Oh I remember that all right.' He nodded. ‘He wanted to make sure I saw you.'

‘You saw?' Gordon hadn't just been trying to humiliate her. He'd been using her to show Hibs who was boss. Gordon had wanted show Hibs that Beth belonged to him and would have made sure that Hibs had seen her. ‘Oh god. I thought you hadn't seen. You said …'

‘He grinned at me before he followed you into the room,' Hibs said. ‘I figured the fact that he wanted me to see you was a good enough reason to pretend I hadn't.'

Beth groaned and curled around herself.

‘I'll come with you to the police,' Hibs said.

She shook her head. Apart from everything else, she would have to tell people what Gordon had done. What she'd allowed him to do. She felt small and stupid.

A loud beeping interrupted her thoughts. Hibs groaned, untangled himself and slipped off the bed to retrieve the lab timer from the pocket of his jeans.

‘Two o'clock already?'

Hibs stood in the middle of the floor, looking from his timer to Beth and back again. ‘Screw it.' He threw the timer on the floor and got back in the bed.

‘But your time point.'

‘I'll just have to redo the experiment tomorrow. I can't leave you now.'

She knew better than anyone what that meant. He would have another night of work, and they'd both been mentally counting down the days until they could have a proper night's sleep. Besides, Hibs was married to his work. That he'd even considered missing his reading because of her was incredible. She felt a little bubble of happiness that he cared enough for her to do that. ‘What happened to “science is a cruel mistress”?'

‘But you're upset. This is more important than an experiment. It's more important than anything.'

She gave him a push. ‘I'm okay. I'll still be here when you get back.' He hesitated and she could almost feel the pull of his choices. Hibs always put his work first; she didn't want to get in the way of that. ‘You mean to tell me,' she said, ‘you'd mess up a scientific experiment because you were too busy getting laid?'

His eyes wrinkled up in a smile. ‘Well, when you put it like that …' He slid out of bed. ‘You're sure you'll be okay?'

She nodded. Oddly, she knew she would. She felt safe here in his house, in his bed, wearing his T-shirt. It was funny that it had taken her all this time to realise that Hibs made her feel safe. She snuggled down under the duvet and watched him pull his clothes back on. Now that she was properly tucked up, the day caught up with her. She hadn't slept properly in weeks.

He knelt on the floor beside the bed and brought his face level with hers. ‘Thank you.'

She wondered sleepily what he was thanking her for.

Hibs got back to the house and let himself in. It didn't look any different to normal. For one scary moment, he thought perhaps he's imagined kissing Beth. He took the stairs two at a time and rushed to his bedroom. Beth was curled into a ball in the middle of his bed, fast asleep. He sat and watched her sleep for a moment. Poor Beth. He thought about how spaced out she'd been after Gordon had attacked her. He'd known something was wrong, but he hadn't pushed her hard enough to tell him. How did you cope with stuff like that? Nothing in his experience had prepared him for this. He wanted to help, but he had no idea how. He was completely out of his depth. He checked the time. It was three in the morning and everyone he could think of was asleep now. He would talk to Lara in the morning. She might know what to do.

He climbed into bed next to Beth. She stirred, but didn't wake as he tucked an arm around her and fell asleep.

Beth hummed to herself as she worked. Next to her, the Bunsen flame hissed straight and blue. She labelled some petri dishes and started inoculating them. Behind her, Hibs was doing his own work. She felt acutely aware of him. Every so often, they would make eye contact and smile.

Roger stomped in. He stood at the end of the bay and watched. Beth stopped what she was doing and turned to look at him.

Roger cleared his throat. ‘I've just been looking at those results you sent me.'

Beth put the lids back on her dishes and turned the Bunsen flame down to yellow. At the other side of the bay, she sensed Hibs had paused to listen.

‘What do you think?' She reasoned that if he thought they were plain wrong, he wouldn't hesitate to say so.

‘Very persuasive,' said Roger. ‘I think we have enough to write that up as a paper.'

‘Really?'

‘Mmm. Get a draft to me in the next few weeks.' He left abruptly.

Beth stared at the space he'd just vacated. Wow. Coming from Roger, that was a vote of confidence. She turned to Hibs. ‘You heard that, right?'

‘Yep.'

‘Vik?' She crouched to look through the space between the benches and overhead shelves.

‘I heard,' Vik said. ‘Well done. You've broken the wall.'

‘See. I told you you're good,' said Hibs.

Beth grinned. It was nice to be taken seriously by her supervisor. After all the crap that she'd had in her life, things were suddenly taking a turn for the better. She had a feeling it was all down to Hibs. She watched him for a moment, admiring the speed and grace with which he worked. As though feeling her eyes on him, he paused and turned. ‘What?'

‘Just wanted to say thank you.'

‘I didn't do anything.'

‘You helped me with the experiments and stood up for me when Roger rubbished them.'

His eyes met hers. ‘It was my pleasure, Tyler. My pleasure.'

Beth felt a little flip in her stomach. Being with Hibs was very different from being with Gordon. She felt relaxed and happy. He never made her feel small or weak or silly. She even liked that he still called her Tyler, which just highlighted that while some things had changed, the good stuff had stayed the same. She stood there, grinning like a madwoman at him, until he gestured towards her petri dishes. Right. Work. Of course. She turned her attention back to her neglected experiments.

Someone shook her shoulder. Beth hadn't even realised that she'd fallen asleep.

‘Man, you really are tired,' said Vik. ‘Do you want to go home and get some rest?'

She blinked. ‘I … er … I guess I could.'

‘You and Hibs both need to take some time off.'

Beth wondered if it was that obvious that they'd spent the night together. ‘What?'

‘You guys have been working nights and doing seven-day weeks. You really need to catch up on your sleep,' Vik continued. He was busy stapling together articles that he'd printed out. He didn't look at her. ‘I don't think you're really safe to be in the lab.'

Okay. So he thought they were just tired. ‘Hmm.'

‘You're both so tired and so loved up,' said Vik.

Her head snapped up.

‘Oh, come on,' said Vik. ‘You think I haven't noticed? A blind person would notice.' He smiled at her. ‘You know what you're doing, right?'

Beth said nothing. Did she know what she was doing? It had been a crazy few weeks. She'd gone from abject terror of one boyfriend to being deliriously happy with a new one, but she still couldn't relax enough to sleep with him. That didn't sound much like someone who knew what she was doing.

Vik sat down in front of her. ‘Beth, I know I'm not an expert, but are you sure this is the right thing for you? You went out with Gordon for ages and the idea of being single can't be easy. And Hibs is … well, he's Hibs. Are you sure you're okay with having a short fling? I don't want to see you get hurt again.'

‘Vik …' What could she say to him? How could she make him understand that this wasn't a rebound thing? She'd wanted Hibs for ages. ‘It's not a fling.'

‘Are you sure he knows that?'

‘What?'

Vik sighed. ‘You know Hibs tends to see relationships as being just for sex. I don't want that to happen to you.' He looked up, his brown eyes full of concern. ‘You're my friend.'

Beth was touched. How could she have lost sight of all these people who cared about her? What power had Gordon wielded to make her push them away? Much as she loved Vik, she couldn't tell him that the one thing Hibs didn't get from her, yet, was sex. ‘Don't worry, Vik. He's not using me. He … I think he really, genuinely loves me.'

Vik didn't look convinced.

She patted his hand. ‘Don't worry, I'll be okay. Honestly.' She stood up and stretched. ‘Although, I think you might have a point about getting some sleep.'

Tidying up her bench before going home, she took her samples into the cold room to put them on ice. Vik had a point. She wasn't okay. She should talk to someone. The air of the cold room gripped her as she thought about the word ‘rape'. That's what Hibs had called it. Rape was something that happened to other people. Not her. But now that Hibs had pointed it out, she knew that was exactly what had happened.

Just giving the horror a name had somehow made it more solid. She hadn't imagined it. She hadn't overreacted. She wasn't sure how knowing that helped, but somehow it did. Hibs believed her. She hadn't expected him to. She'd expected disbelief, repulsion or blame. Instead he'd given her sympathy and kindness and love.

She knew about date rape. She
knew
. Yet Gordon had her so brainwashed that she didn't recognise it.

The cold wormed its way through her clothes. Goosebumps appeared on her skin. She shivered. Who was she trying to kid? She wasn't okay. She rubbed her arms and left the cold room. The warmth seeped back in from the minute she kicked the door shut behind her. She owed it to Hibs to try and get herself sorted out. She owed it to herself.

She pulled off her lab coat and gloves and ran down to the tea room before she could change her mind. On the noticeboard, crowded out by all the other notices and adverts from people selling bikes or computers, was one for the university's counselling service. She tore off a phone number, stepped outside and made the call.

Beth checked through the post that Anna had left piled up on the kitchen table, while Hibs made them tea. It was strange being in the flat with Hibs there as more than a friend. If anything it was weirder than seeing him at work. At least in the lab she knew she couldn't touch him.

‘Vik had a go at me earlier,' Hibs said.

‘Really? About what?'

‘I think he's worried I'll hurt you. He's quite protective of you, you know.' Hibs slid her tea across the table.

Beth blinked. She turned the mug carefully. ‘How exactly did he think you'd hurt me?' She turned it back again.

‘Emotionally.'

‘Right. That's … sweet. I think.'

Hibs came round to stand next to her. ‘Beth?'

When she looked up, he took her hands in his. ‘Are
you
worried I'll hurt you?'

She looked into his eyes and saw fear and concern. It was strange seeing them there. Gordon would never have bothered to ask her about her fears. He would have just told her she was wrong. Did she worry that Hibs would hurt her? She realised she wasn't worried at all. It wasn't that she'd never considered it, like when she was with Gordon. She now knew the risk. She'd weighed it up and genuinely didn't think he would hurt her. He'd been her support for so long, before either of them had even realised it.

‘Beth?' He was waiting for an answer.

‘No. I'm not worried you'll hurt me.'

The relief on his face was touching.

‘Actually, there's something I need to tell you,' she said.

He looked slightly panicked.

‘I called the counselling service. You're right: I can't carry on pretending something nasty hasn't happened.' She stopped him as he started to speak. ‘Please don't ask me to go to the police. They'll never believe me. And I don't want to face him again.'

Hibs nodded. ‘Okay. I understand. At least, I think I do.' He pulled her to him. ‘I'm glad you decided to see a counsellor. I can't help you and they might be able to.'

She pulled a strand of his hair loose and twirled it in her fingers. ‘It kills you that you can't fix things, doesn't it?' she teased.

‘It does.'

‘You're such a bloke.'

‘Are you complaining?'

When she shook her head, he kissed her.

They were still kissing when Anna arrived. Beth instinctively sprang back, but Hibs was still holding her hand.

Anna said, ‘Oh,' when she saw Hibs. Her gaze slid to their hands.

Beth braced herself. She still wasn't sure how Anna felt about Hibs. If she still had feelings for him, this could be very awkward.

Anna looked from Beth's face to Hibs. ‘You told her?' she said. ‘Finally.'

Beth looked at Hibs in confusion. He nodded and looked slightly sheepish.

‘About bloody time,' said Anna. ‘Well, congratulations.' She gave Beth a grin. ‘I'll get out of your hair.'

‘Actually, we'll be clearing off in a few minutes. We're going to my place,' Hibs said.

‘Your place? Gosh. Push the boat out.' Anna shook her head. ‘Anyways, I've got to go have a shower. Got a hot date.' She winked at Beth and left.

Beth watched her go. ‘What was that all about?'

He was still looking sheepish. ‘Uh, the reason she and I ended it was … well, basically, I was too in love with you to be with someone else.'

‘Oh.' Beth looked down the corridor. ‘Poor Anna. That must have been so hard for her.'

‘So hard for her? How do you think I felt? I had to put up with seeing you being mauled by Gordon.'

Beth shook her head. ‘Show some empathy, Hibbotson.'

Hibs kissed her. ‘You're a nice person, Beth. I like that about you.'

She smiled. ‘But I have to realise that not everyone else plays fair, right?'

‘Exactly.'