Don’t Forget to Remember Me (29 page)

“Sorry about that. I should have considered
it before I agreed to go to dinner. Ryan’s very protective.”
Pleasure made blood rush into my cheeks.

Spencer laughed. “I’d call
it
possessive
and it’s perfectly
understandable, but the dinner was innocent.” He paused and
searched my face. “If you could have anything you wanted, what
would it be?”

While he meant well, it
all seemed so pointless. I wanted validation of my feelings,
validation of my decision to go back to New York, validation of
resuming my life with Ryan.
Ugh! Isn’t that the reason
anyone goes to a psychiatrist? Fucking validation?

“I just want my life back, even if I never
remember completely. I want Ryan, to go back to my job and whatever
our plans were. That is, if he’ll tell me.”

“Do you think you can ask?”

“I feel comfortable talking to him about
anything. Whether he’ll listen, is another story entirely.”

His face was contemplative and relaxed. I
couldn’t help but consider what Ryan said about not trusting him,
but today he’d only been supportive.

“He’ll listen…eventually. He doesn’t want to
lose you, so he’ll listen.”

“Thank you. I hope so.”

“No problem. It’s been my pleasure, Julia.
Truly.”

My phone rang in my purse and I looked up
apologetically.

“Hello?”

“Hey. What are you up to?” Ryan asked. His
words sounded guarded, reluctant, like he wanted the answer but
shouldn’t be asking.

“I’m going shopping with Jenna. Are you at
lunch?”

“Yeah. I just wanted to hear your
voice.”

“Well, you can hear it anytime you want,” I
murmured softly into the phone.

“Mmmm…” I could hear the want in his voice
and my heart rejoiced.

“Listen. Why don’t I pop
over for a bit? How long do you have?”
I asked.

“Only about 45 minutes. That sounds good
though. If you can.”

“I’ll bring lunch.”

“You don’t have to…” he began. “We can just
meet in the cafeteria.”

“Hush, Ryan. Meet you in the courtyard,
okay?”

“Okay,” The smile came through in his voice.
“I’ll see you in a few. Bye.”

“I’m on my way. Bye, honey.”

I looked up at Spencer happily. “I have to
go! Meeting Ryan for lunch.” I popped up and rushed to the door
without a second thought. “Thanks, again!”

*****

Ryan was waiting on a
bench near the East edge of the courtyard, lots of roses and other
flowers on the
pathway. The hair
falling
casually across his forehead glowed golden in the sunlight. He
shoved his fingers through it in his haphazard way
and a smile flashed across his mouth. So
gorgeous; scrubs, stethoscope and a pocket full of pens, he was a
sight for sore eyes. Finally enfolding me in his arms, his mouth
fell to my hair at my temple as he kissed me. I cursed the food in
my arms that prevented me holding him back. The best I could do was
stand up on tiptoe to press my open mouth to the base of his neck.
His arms tightened slightly and he kissed the side of my
cheek.

“I miss you,” I said before I could stop
myself.

“Miss you more,” he said softly, released me
and took the bags from my arms. “Did you bring enough for an army?
Maybe I should see if Aaron is free.” His blue eyes flashed to meet
mine as we sat together on the bench.

“I’d just like it to be us, if that’s
alright.”

He held my gaze, his features soft but he
had dark shadows showing under his eyes. I handed him a can of Coke
and then reached out to touch his cheek, my fingers brushing along
his strong jaw. “You look tired.”

“Yeah. A little bit.”

“I wish you didn’t have to work so hard.” He
handed me one of the chicken salad sandwiches and I started to
unwrap it.

“After residency.” Ryan quickly disposed of
the wrapping on his sandwich and took a big bite. He looked a bit
thinner and I worried he wasn’t eating.

“I worry about you.”

He smiled after he swallowed his food. “I’m
fine. Just busy.”

I picked at the crust on the sandwich
sitting in my lap. I nodded once. “Okay.”

“You look beautiful,” he said in the velvet
tone I loved. I couldn’t stop the smile or the blush that spread
out on my cheeks. “What are your plans today?”

“Shopping with Jenna.”

He continued to eat and I managed a bite of
my own.

“That will be good. Jen needs a day out too.
Aaron works just about as much as I do.”

“Hardly. Not even close,” I insisted.

“Well, his specialty isn’t as
demanding.”

The stilted silence
between us hung like a storm as I struggled with what to say. Being
so distant after our passionate evening was awkward. I swallowed
one more bite of the sandwich and then wrapped the rest of
it
.

I took a deep breath and jumped in with both
feet. “Ryan, I spoke to Meredith today,” I began.

Immediately Ryan abandoned his lunch and his
eyes connected with mine. “And?”

This was so hard! “And, I can go back to
work whenever I want. I think it might be time.”

He said nothing, but the muscle in his jaw
began to work overtime.

“Well?” I pushed. “Don’t you have anything
to say?”

His tone was hard when he
spoke. “Sounds like you’ve made up your mind, but if you’re asking
me what I think, then…
no
. I don’t
have time to discuss it right now.”

Anger swelled at his easy dismissal. “Well,
it’s not about you. It’s about me.”

“Yes, I can see that
it’s
not about
me
.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I
felt fragile and blinked rapidly to erase the tears as I busied
myself with cleaning up the food. In seconds, everything was shoved
back in the bag and I didn’t give a damn if either one of us was
finished or not.

“I have to get back to work. We can talk
tonight,” Ryan dismissed me again. I stood up straighter and
against my will, my chin jutted out in defiance.

“No. We can’t talk tonight. I have plans.
Enjoy…whatever the hell it is you do with your time. Maybe I’ll
leave you a note taped to the bathroom mirror, or we can send up
fucking smoke signals, since you don’t seem to have any time to
spend with me these days.” I started laughing in strained
hysteria.

He ignored the second part of my statement.
“What plans?” he asked angrily and roughly took hold of my arm. I
stilled and looked up at him through pain-filled eyes.

“I’m going out,” I said flatly. Electricity
passed between us where his hand held me…like always. Except this
time it hurt. I was mad and I felt alone as hell.

“With whom?” he asked harshly, making no
move to let me go.

“Does it matter? It sure
as hell won’t be
you
.” My voice
thickened in regret as I tried to pull my arm free and turn
away.

“Julia, stop! Tell
me.
Now
!” Ryan
demanded as his hand tightened around my arm. People walking by
started to take notice, sending glances and curious looks our way.
I stopped struggling immediately. I didn’t want it to appear he was
holding me against my will. Ryan held me without touch, without
words…no matter how angry I was. Panic filled his face and I
huffed.

“Oh shit, Ryan! Jenna!!
Just
Jen
…but you know, maybe we’ll
both find someone to pay a little attention to us. We could both
use it. You and Aaron…you’re both so damn blind.” I yanked my arm
free and started to walk away, only making five steps before both
of his hands closed over my shoulders.

“I said
stop
!” he said through
clenched teeth, eyes flashing fire.

“You’re so jealous and
it’s completely irrational. When I came here today, I planned on
telling you that I didn’t want to go without you.” I was breathing
hard and losing the fragile hold on my emotions. “I’m standing
here, and all I want is you with me. And you’re
pissed
because I’m going somewhere without
you, when it’s
your
choice!!
It’s
been
your
choice, Ryan! Can’t you see how insane that is?” I laughed
nervously. “I mean, if it wasn’t so fucked up, it’d be
funny!”

I shook my head and glared until finally he
let me go. His breathing elevated and one of his arms dropped to
his side and he ran the other hand through his hair as he turned
his back, but stood stone still.

I tried to steady my voice. “I can see you
have better things to do, so have fun with that,” I said softly and
he turned quickly toward me again. I ignored him and walked back in
the direction I’d come. The path, flowers and people, blurred in
front of me as I picked up my pace.

“Julia!” Ryan yelled
behind me. “Julia! Where are you going tonight? I don’t have time
for this shit right now! I have to get to work!” My heart thumped
in my chest but I forced myself to keep walking. “Goddamn
it!
Julia!”

I pretended that I didn’t hear him and threw
the trash in a receptacle as I passed. Before I even reached the
car, my phone vibrated in my purse. I opened the door and squeezed
the steering wheel so hard it hurt. I tried not to look at the
words on the screen.

Tell me where you’re going to be. I’ll be
there.

*****

“Did you text Ryan back?” Jen asked
anxiously. The music was loud, the lights low and flashing. The
bass drums vibrated in my chest. Jenna had her hair piled up on her
head and we both had on tight jeans and high heels. I splurged and
bought some new Kenneth Cole’s. Not quite Prada or Louboutin, but
then if I were in New York, I’d have my nicely stocked closet.

“No.” While I was still pissed, most of what
I was feeling was hurt. This whole cat and mouse game with Ryan was
getting old. He’d texted three more times, growing more and more
upset.

Jen was bouncing to the
music and sipping her second chocolate martini. I wrinkled my nose
in distaste.
Gross.

“Well, Ryan’s got Aaron texting me, now. You
didn’t tell him how I felt, did you, Julia?”

I shook my head and motioned that I’d zipped
my lip. “Never.”

“Good. Let them cool their jets for a
while.”

We started giggling, my white wine adding to
my relaxation. Jen’s bright blue top was covered with sequins, but
I’d chosen a tamer option. A low cut, white sleeveless top in
jersey. It draped nicely in the scooped neckline leaving the top
slopes of my breasts bare. I didn’t wear a necklace, only some long
drop diamond earrings and…I looked down at my left hand, still
adorned with the delicate bracelet and engagement ring. They
sparkled in the low candlelight. I put my right hand protectively
over the bracelet. My hair was wilder than normal, as if I’d been
caught in the wind, but Jenna nodded her approval when we finished
at the salon. It did feel good to get dressed up and go out. The
only thing that could make it better were if Ryan were here.

You’re pathetic, Julia. Can’t you get
through a few hours without thinking of him?
I cringed at my
own weakness.

Goodlife
was
busier, livelier, darker
and more fun now than it
had been at lunch with Ryan. I started to sway to the beat and we
started to sing.

“Between those rocks and that sappy look on
your face, you’re killing my buzz, Julia. No guys will ask us to
dance.”

“We’re not here to pick up guys.” I bit my
lip and shook my head.

“No, but I want to dance.” She shimmied her
shoulders. “We can dance. They can look but not touch. Nothing
wrong with that.”

I laughed happily. “Ryan wouldn’t
agree.”

“
Who
?” She widened her eyes
and pursed her lips. “Who did you just mention?” she asked
caustically.

“Okay. Point taken.” Another message
vibrated the phone in my pocket. Despite the dirty look from Jen, I
pulled it out.

Julia, I’m done playing around. Tell me
where you are, NOW!

I sighed.
Who
was I kidding?
Ryan was clearly upset and I
didn’t want to hurt him
.

“What has Aaron said? Has he called?”

Jenna took a big swallow of her drink. “Oh,
yeah. He seems a tad put out.”

“Ryan’s pissed.” I picked up my wine and
almost choked as Jen grabbed my phone from me. I burst out
laughing. “Oh my God!” I gasped. “Are you trying to get me in more
trouble?”

“Hell, yeah!” She started typing and I tried
to take it back but she held it out of my reach.

“No, Jen. Don’t.”

“Pfft. Lighten up, Jules.”

We’re at Goodlife. Julia looks hot. If I
were you, I’d get your ass over here pronto. Jen.

She handed the phone back and I breathed a
sigh of relief. It could have been worse.

“I’d say we have about thirty minutes to get
drunker and find some victims to dance with. No way in hell are
they walking in here to find us sitting alone. Uh uh.” She picked
up her glass again and clanked it against mine. “Cheers!” She
tossed back her drink and waved the barmaid over for another round.
Dancing sounded fun…but part of me was reluctant. What I really
wanted was for Ryan to take hold of me for the rest of the
night.

“Holy hell,” Jenna groaned in disgust as she
looked across the bar.

“What?”

“Ugh. Just that dipshit
that’s always chasing after your man.” My head snapped in the
direction Jenna was looking and my stomach clenched.
“
Joy
.”