Don’t Forget to Remember Me (31 page)

“It’s okay, honey. I knew
what she meant.” Oh,
did I.
I smiled at them both and then turned my
attention toward Liza. “I’m Fashion Editor at Vogue Magazine. It’s
one of the Condé Nast publications. My office is in New York
City.”

“Really…” she murmured. It wasn’t really a
question. “What do you do exactly?”

“Liza, didn’t you come with someone?” Ryan
interrupted rudely and I almost laughed. “Shouldn’t you go find
them?”

“Thanks for your concern, Ryan, but I’m
fine,” she hissed at him. “I’m very interested in learning more
about Julia.”

“Well, I’m very interested
in spending time
alone
with her,”
he muttered under his breath.

Jenna and Aaron returned
and when
Jen
reached for her drink. She
stood back and wrinkled her nose, her face twisting up as she
nodded toward Liza from behind her chair. Aaron mouthed the words
“What the fuck?” at Ryan, who simply screwed up his expression and
shook his head.

I put the cherry stem in my mouth and sucked
on it during the exchange, whirling it around my mouth and in
between my teeth until I had it in a knot. I took it out and closed
my hand over it.

“Mmm, well, I hire the talent; design the
storyboards and the look of all the articles. Approve content,
schedule photo shoots, scout clothing. I work with advertising to
solicit appropriate sponsors for various features and for charity
events.” I rattled off everything nonchalantly.

I glanced in Ryan’s direction, still holding
his hand. “Don’t forget the modeling…” he murmured his eyes flying
to challenge Liza.

I shrugged. “Yeah, that.”

Liza didn’t move and my eyes moved to Ryan.
I held up the perfect little knot I’d made in the stem with my
tongue and then placed it in Ryan’s hand. “Apparently, I’m
multi-talented, hmm?” I raised my eyebrows suggestively and he
laughed. Aaron broke out in a loud chuckle and Jenna smirked over
her glass.

“Uh, listen Lizzy…Your ass is in my seat,”
Jen pointed out, waiting for the other girl to vacate.

“Liza, it was nice to finally meet you.”

“Yes, it’s a shame we didn’t before. Didn’t
you ever come to Boston in all this time?”

Ryan looked annoyed by the questions. “All
the time, but I never let her out of bed. We had better things to
do than socialize.” He dismissed her and pulled me up by our
entwined hands. “Let’s dance. If I don’t get my arms around you in
thirty seconds, I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

A soft song was playing. I was content to
lose myself in his arms, feeling him close, heat flowing between
us. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, sweetheart,” he said
seriously and brushed a soft kiss on my mouth. Instantly my face
rose up to meet his. I wanted more…

I shook my head. “It’s nothing. Thank you
for making sure she knew about me.”

“She hasn’t listened, but now, maybe seeing
how beautiful you are…and how much I love you, she’ll finally
disappear.” His hands fisted in the back of my shirt, and I could
feel his trimmed nails raking over my skin through the thin
material. Goose bumps flooded the exposed skin of my arms. “You are
all that exists for me, and as long as you know that, the rest of
the world can go straight to hell,” he groaned right before his
tongue slid into my mouth. His words melted me, his touch burned
me, and his mouth…devoured me. Still I wanted more and I opened my
mouth and kissed him back until our breathing was erratic and he
finally pulled back, brushing the back of his knuckles along my
cheekbone as the song ended.

“Julia, you’ll be the death of me.”

“Take me home, Ryan.” It sounded like I was
begging. “Will you hold me tonight? I want to feel you.”

“Oh, babe.” His voice was thick as he rested
his forehead against mine. “Yes. I never want to stop touching
you.”

Somehow, I had to convince this man to make
love to me. Tonight, I would be happy with this small step. He was
talking and he was touching…and the glorious kissing. I’d take what
I could get and be grateful.

But soon…I was going to
feel his hands on my naked flesh, his body embedded within mine,
hear my name on his lips as he came inside me. Oh God. It
had
to happen or I would spontaneously
combust.

“The only memories I ever get are when I’m
with you,” Julia implored, her hand running lightly from my forearm
down to my hand and back again.

My God
. It was
getting impossible. I could barely keep my hands off of her,
especially when she was all warm and giving. I could see the want
in her eyes, but was terrified of what would happen if I gave in to
what we both wanted. The last time had such consequences.
Those damn nightmares.

I was still terrified of
the repercussions.
I’d even resorted to calling Spencer and
he
agreed, her mind could shut down even more,
and we could lose all the progress we’d already made. Even though
his ulterior motives were clear, logically, I believed he was
right. She could withdraw and worse, hate me. I couldn’t live with
that.

The apartment was dark and we were lying on
the couch all wrapped up in each other. By some miracle, I’d
managed to keep from making love to her, but it was killing me. We
talked a little, but mostly we just held each other. I leaned in
and nuzzled the back of her neck, her silken hair that always
smelled so wonderful, fell around my face. Kissing the skin at the
side of her neck, my lips moved up near her ear.

“I know, baby. We’re spending more time
together now. You’ll remember soon.”

She arched into me, her head coming to rest
on my shoulder and her little ass pressing into my groin as we
spooned on the couch. My body quickened and I tightened my arms
around her. I’d have to extricate myself from this situation or
something was going to happen. Aaron and Jen were working and it
was early evening on Sunday night. I had a shitload of work to do,
but all I wanted was to hold her. Touching her more, it was getting
ridiculous how much I never wanted to stop.

Julia reached for her iPod on the coffee
table and I reluctantly released her, giving me the time I needed
to get the throbbing under control.

“What are you doing?” I asked softly.

She unwound the headphones and then turned
toward me. I lay back and her head came to rest on my arm, facing
me, her leg nudging between my knees. I pulled her forward to keep
her from falling off the edge.

“I want to share something with you. Will
you listen with me?” Her dark eyes dug into mine and I nodded then
captured her open mouth with my own. The kiss was gentle, soft and
succulent. I inhaled as it ended and laced my fingers through her
hair.

“Yes.”

Sharing the ear buds, the soft strains
started and her hand came up to my face. “Listen to the words,
Ryan. To what they mean…”

She sang softly with the song. Words about
faith and footprints on the past, honesty and inevitable roads
leading out of the dark and back to one person, rocked me to the
core. She was sending me a message. That all paths lead to each
other and there was no other choice. We stared into each other’s
eyes, fingers stroking, bodies entwined. It was paradise. I never
wanted to move for the rest of my life. My heart constricted at how
amazing she was. She was the most beautiful person, the most
beautiful soul, I had ever known.

“Julia…” I breathed.

“Shhh…listen,”

Thud. My heart dropped.

Stop looking back, Ryan, her eyes implored.
Believe in us. Now.

My eyes blurred and her
fingers on my jaw tightened before her moist breath rushed over my
face and her open mouth settled softly on
mine; coaxing
my response. My heart ached from the poignancy of
the moment; the song was perfect and I wanted nothing more than to
give in to the want…to the mad love.

Always such mad, mad love
. Nothing changed it. Not years apart, not the stress or
other people, not the loss of our past
.
I was touched in a place only Julia had ever
been.

By the end of the song, I had her beneath
me, kissing her forcefully; Julia’s glorious response deepening the
kiss, our tongues mating and our mouths sucking on each other in a
delicious dance of give and take. God, it was amazing and I felt
like I’d die if I didn’t have her. She clutched at the back of my
head, her fingers tugging on my hair to bring my mouth closer as
her body surged up into mine. I wanted kiss after kiss and to rip
the clothes from her body right then and there. I grabbed the iPod
and the earphones that had fallen between us and threw them aside,
my hand itching to close around her full breast and feel her nipple
harden under my fingers.

“Uhnnggg…” I groaned into the side of her
neck as my arms drew her closer and tried to hold her still. We
were both breathing hard, practically panting in unison. I closed
my eyes and held on tight. “Julia, you know how much I love you,
don’t you?”

Her frantic, passionate movements stopped
and she looked into my face.

“You’re doing it again, aren’t you?” she
whispered brokenly. “Why?”

The pain in her eyes made it difficult to
meet them and I pressed my forehead into the side of her face.
“Because,” I rasped out, “I have work to do and if we start this…”
It was only partially true. Yes, I had work, but nothing was more
important than touching her.

“Why are you doing this to us?” Her voice
hardened and my heart broke, not meaning to add my misery to all
she was dealing with.

I struggled to sit up and
moved to the floor next to the couch, so I could look into her
face. “We
will
deal with this, my
love. The time is coming where we’ll have no choice, but I have so
much work and I will not be able to get my head in the game if we
crack this open right now. You’re all I think about as it is.”
Somehow I got the words out past the huge, swollen lump in my
throat.

Her face fell but she nodded silently.

Fucking hell!
I
ripped myself away, softly cupping her chin and brushing my thumb
across it before beginning the walk down the hall. Every step split
me open further and I started to shake.

“Ryan…” she began but I kept going, throwing
words over my shoulder.

“I
really
need to get to work, Julia. We’ll talk later, I
promise.” My voice was trembling on each word and I prayed she
couldn’t see how upset I really was.

“Ugh!” she moaned in frustration, throwing
herself back down to the cushions and hitting the back of the couch
with a fisted hand. “Goddamn it!”

I left her on the couch and rushed into my
room on the pretense of studying, but how in the hell I was going
to concentrate was beyond me. The five weeks until graduation
loomed in front of me like years. I fell onto my bed and put my
hand over my eyes.

I was miserable and my heart was breaking
all over again. Julia was here and right in front of me, yet I
couldn’t talk to her, touch her, and make love to her like I
wanted, like my heart and body were screaming to do. I was drowning
and nothing could save me. Except Julia.

For the first time since her accident, I let
myself feel my own pain, pushing it down wasn’t possible anymore.
Frustration, sadness and want overwhelmed me like never before.

I’d lost my entire world
and as hard as I tried to resist, I wanted to tell her the
truth.
What good will telling her do if she can’t
remember the feelings behind all the time we’d spent together?
That part tortured me.

I was getting weaker with
each passing day, needing her more and more. I
needed
her to remember us, to remember
me
. The loss was beyond anything I’d ever
experienced. The only thing worse was the fear and helplessness I’d
felt when she was fighting for her life or when I found out about
the baby. I still carried that anguish around in my chest and as
much as I wanted Julia’s memory back, I knew what experiencing that
loss would do to her.

All of those times when we
left each other and said the words, “
Don’t forget to
remember me,
”
flooded my aching head and
heart.

Could it get any more fucking ironic?!

I felt myself breaking…crumbling, clutching
and pulling on my shirt as if I could pull the pain out of my
chest.

Julia was starting to see
my pain and she gravitated toward me. She wanted to get us back to
the place we were after the midnight session on the piano bench,
but didn’t know how. It hurt her too, which only compounded the
guilt I felt. Each time she asked me to tell her, with those
beautiful, imploring eyes…I wanted to, more and more. I yearned for
her to know, but I needed her to
feel
and
s
he couldn’t do that if she didn’t remember on
her own. The memories would be hollow without the love behind them.
It was killing me.