Don’t Forget to Remember Me (27 page)

My insides did
somersaults
. “We didn’t make love like that. He
was afraid to hurt me, but we did make out a little bit. Ryan…melts
me.”

“Yeah. It was obvious how
hot you were for each other. Aaron tried to bet Spence five bucks
that you’d dry hump in the cab on the way home. You should have
seen his face! I was
dying
.”

She giggled but I was laughing so hard my
eyes watered. “He did not!” When she nodded, I continued taking out
the mixer, a bowl and some of the ingredients for the cake I was
making. “Aaron cracks me up! I feel sorry for Spence, though.”

“Julia, he deserved what
he got. You don’t think he was just being a
good
doctor
, do you? I wish I would have been
there for Ryan’s little talk. Aaron said it was…wow.”

My eyes widened, anxious to hear the story.
I almost felt guilty at the pleasure it gave me. “Really? What did
he say?”

“Basically, to keep his
hands off because you belonged to him, and he would tell you
everything rather than risk losing you to, not sure what the term
was exactly…a ‘
piss ant
or son-of-bitch.’”
She shrugged with a smile. “Something like that.”

Ryan would tell me everything? What exactly
was everything?

I leaned on the counter facing her. “He’s
possessive. Why does that make me so friggin’ happy?”

“Because Caveman Ryan is hot.”

I giggled and resumed my
work. “Are you kidding?
Every
Ryan
is hot. How in the hell could I resist him for all those
years?”

“Beats the hell out of me. Ellie and I
thought you were nuts.” She shook her head with raised brows.

“You’ve got a great guy, too, Jen. Aaron is
sweet and I can see how much he loves you.”

“Yeah. I’m sort of surprised he hasn’t asked
me to marry him yet. We don’t even talk about it.” Her voice fell
slightly and suddenly the beautiful ring on my finger felt heavy. I
felt bad for her. Here I was, flashing a huge rock and I didn’t
even know how long I’d been engaged.

“I’m sure he will, soon. I’m not even sure
how long Ryan and I…or how he proposed. It makes me sad that I’ve
forgotten so many important moments, but I’m happy that he loves
me. You should feel that way, too. You know Aaron loves you,
right?”

“Yes. He’ll probably get
around to it. If he doesn’
t,
I’ll have to
kick him in the ass.”

“In what way?”

“You know…shake his cage a little. He’s not
the only damn man in Boston. Maybe he needs a wake-up call.”

I eyed her skeptically. “Jen, really? You’d
do that?”

“Just watch me,” she said sternly. “I’ll
show him good.”

My heart ached for her. For some reason, the
sixth sense about Ryan left me confident that I wouldn’t have to
resort to playing games if we were in that situation. “Maybe you
should just talk to him,” I suggested gently.

“Aaron’s motivated by actions and graduation
is coming. Something’s gotta give.”

I was already mixing the batter of the
chocolate cake and she stuck her finger in for a taste and she
shook her head.

“What?”

“You and Ryan.” She rolled her eyes, trying
to lighten the mood. “Just unreal.” She licked her fingers and left
me in the kitchen alone. “I think I’m jealous,” she said as she
disappeared into her room.

It was after midnight and
Aaron was still at the hospital. I left on time because I wanted to
get back to Julia.
What a great day!
We talked, we laughed and we held onto each other for hours.
Seeing her so relaxed and happy had been a balm to my sore heart
and it didn’t hurt that she was beginning to remember
more.

Last night was incredibly sexy. I want
more.
My body throbbed at the
thought.

I wanted her as much as ever and, if
possible, I loved her even more. Nothing mattered but being with
her. I needed to talk to her about my residency in New York, unsure
what she was thinking. One thing I knew for sure, I was done being
away from her. If Meredith asked her to go to Paris again, I’d do
everything possible to convince her not to go. If I had to whisk
her away and marry her on some deserted island, I’d do so without
hesitation.

The apartment was dark,
only a small light over the stove left on. The girls were both in
bed and I glanced at the couch, hoping to God that Julia was in my
bed; waiting. I smiled. It would even be better if she were naked,
even if I was too tired to
make love
; I
still wanted to feel her skin next to mine. The closeness was my
contentment in the chaos of all that had happened. I scratched my
stomach through my scrubs as I went into the kitchen. There was a
note on the table and I smiled.
Julia. My beautiful
Julia.

I picked it up and flipped it open, holding
it over the stove into the light.

-R

Thinking of you today. Dreaming of you now.
Surprise in the fridge.

Yours,

-J

Sitting on the top shelf
was a gorgeous Black Forest cake. Mmmm…my stomach grumbled and I
opened the cupboard and took out a plate. I retrieved a fork and
knife from the silverware drawer and pulled the cake and a bottle
of water from the refrigerator.
God, she’s so good to
me
, I thought as I cut a thick slice of the
cake and took it to the table.

It was insanely delicious.
The perfect blend of chocolate, liquor and cream. Not too sweet,
simply amazing. I was about halfway through with it, lost in my
memories of Julia and the time we smashed cake all over each other
before my move to Boston. I smiled to myself. They were such good
memories, even though the separation had been
imminent
. We were on the verge of admitting our
feelings, and even though those years as her
friend required
an iron will, I wouldn’t change one minute of my
time with her.
Other than the accident and
the loss of our baby
…I set the fork down
and ran a hand over the scruff on my jaw, wondering if I should
shave before crawling into bed with her.

“Ahhhhhh! Watch out! Oh, my God! Stop!”
Julia suddenly screamed from my bedroom, the sound piercing the
silence like a knife. Panic seized my chest as I jumped and ran
down the hall, bursting through the door. It was pitch black and I
could barely make out her small form rolled into a ball in the
middle of my bed. She was clutching at her middle and crying
frantically.

I dropped to my knees beside the bed and
enfolded her in my arms. “Julia, I’m here. I’m with you. You’re
having a bad dream, love.”

“It hurts! It hurts…oh God, it hurts,” she
sobbed.

Jen popped her head around the corner. “Is
she okay?” she asked softly.

I shook my head and Jenna discretely left
us.

My heart stopped. Julia was dreaming of the
car crash. “Shh…my love. It’s over now. You’re okay and I’m with
you. I’ll always be with you, Julia.”

Her arms wrapped around my
neck and she sobbed into the curve of my shoulder. “Ryan…it hurts
so
much
.” I held her for a long time until
she stopped sobbing and released her long enough to strip out of my
clothes and get into bed next to her.

She curled her warm body into me, her leg
sliding between mine and her arm around my waist. I kissed the top
of her head as she fell back into a deep sleep but I was worried
sick and my mind was racing.

What would she remember in the morning…and
what caused the damned nightmare? What has changed?

I racked my brain and then it hit me. In the
last 24 hours I’d let myself love her, tell her things and show her
how close we really were. I’d allowed myself to hope that she’d
remember without much pain, but obviously, based on the nightmare,
that was shot to hell.

We need to take it slower, even though
that isn’t what she wants
. My heart ached at
the notion and my hands smoothed over the velvet skin on her arm. I
closed my eyes against the pain rushing through me.

Ugh. Just when I felt like I was getting her
back again…

I struggled back and forth with it. I needed
to see if she remembered the nightmare, and I didn’t want to hurt
her more. What was I to do? Did I have a choice?

Distancing would confuse
and hurt her and put me in hell as well. Whether Julia remembered
the loss of the baby or I pulled back, she would suffer. Loving her
and putting her first, I chose what I thought would be the lesser
of two evils. It was going to kill me to do it, but, we had to take
a step back. I wasn’t strong enough to pull away completely, but I
had to be careful with her. She was expecting that we’d let it
happen now, and Jesus, I wanted it, too
.
There had to be a way to slow things down without pushing her
away completely. How could I protect her from the loss of our baby?
How could I protect us both?

I knew it wasn’t possible
and it was only a matter of time.
But, when?

“Ryan…stay with me,” she whispered without
knowing it. I turned her more fully into my arms and placed a soft
kiss on her sleeping mouth. I closed my eyes and tried to swallow
the pain swelling in my throat. My eyes burned as what felt like
two steel bands wrapped my chest, preventing my lungs from
expanding.

“I love you, Julia.” My heart was aching.
“Don’t forget that I love you. So much.”

The distant Ryan was back and sadness hung
over us worse than before. Now I knew what I’d been missing, and
even though we talked and he was loving, we didn’t spend time
together. He didn’t touch me as much and he’d only slept with me on
Wednesday night. When I felt his warmth seep into me and his arms
wrapped around me as he pulled me close in an exhausted sleep, I
thought I was dreaming. I snuggled in closer and placed a soft kiss
on his mouth but he didn’t wake up.

Most nights, he didn’t even come back to the
apartment until after I was already in bed. I was taking the pain
pills again. Not because I was in that much pain, but because it
was the only way I could sleep. It had to stop…something had to
give.

I remembered more about
college, Aaron and Jen, and sometimes with Ryan, but still it
wasn’t enough. The biggest abyss was the space Ryan had just
vacated. Those brief hours…
one day of
really knowing
…left me wanting like never
before
.

After our coffee talk,
more
about my job came back. I called Meredith and asked if
I still had a job
.

“Pfffft. What do you
think, Julia? Of course. What about Paris?” she asked, astonished
at my uncertainty
.

Paris
. It flooded
back and I had mixed emotions about that decision. Elation and
despair all rolled up together. Leaving Ryan…had I seriously
considered that?
Was I
insane
? I gasped and sank to the couch
when my legs started to shake, putting out a hand to keep from
falling.

“Uh, I’m not sure, Meredith. Actually, I
hadn’t really thought about it.” It was the truth. “Can I have a
couple more weeks? I just need to figure things out.” If Ryan was
going to keep his distance, I could show him the meaning of the
word. My heart constricted painfully and I closed my eyes. There
was no way I would consider it, even the prospect of New York
without him, hurt.

“Sure, doll, don’t worry about it,” Meredith
insisted. “Andrea’s doing a damn good job of holding things
together. You might want to give her a call, and you’ll need to
give her a raise.”