Don't Let Go (16 page)

And that was okay.

Normally.

Today, I wasn’t in the mood. I knew Noah was next door, having seen his truck parked out front, and that knowledge sat like acid in my stomach. Too much had transpired the night before, and not just the fight. The moment we’d had on the back patio had stirred my blood and gripped my heart, making me relive it on long loop over and over.

You bailed on our son.

And Becca had me irritated, both at her and at myself. The things she’d said had hit home, about being the perfect dream child with all my rules, and about my plans versus hers.

Dream child? Pregnant at seventeen was hardly a dream child, but she didn’t know about that. I still didn’t know how I’d gotten that lucky, having grown up in the same town, but basically time dulls memories and no one cared much about two dumb kids who got themselves in a pickle. Especially when the child never showed up. Made it easy to forget, I guess. For them.

Nana Mae kept bending my ear about telling Becca, though, before someone suddenly grew a memory, and she was right. I knew she was right. The latest topic, however, made that a little awkward.

I had followed the rules before all that, though. Mostly. But they weren’t mine. They were my mother’s. Her way of keeping control and order in the life around her, and I guessed I’d grown up to do the same.

Sitting at her counter, in her bookstore, selling one gift certificate after another and watching her customers mill about while Ruthie acted out
Brown Bear, Brown Bear
in the corner amid a mob of little people—and letting that realization settle over me like a blanket, my skin prickled all over. Whose life was I living? Mine or my mother’s?

Whose plans, Mom? Mine or yours?

My clothes suddenly felt heavy and hot, and I got up and headed to the back break room for a bottle of water. I got the water, but the leftover Mississippi Mud in the fridge caught my eye as well, and I unwrapped the cellophane-covered plate and pulled out a gooey piece.

“Mmm-mygod,” I mumbled around it as the heavenly comfort food excited my taste buds and put me in a chocolate state of Zen.

I heard it from the kitchen. The unmistakable sound of a cane against a wall. My Zen moment melted away with the chocolate down my throat, and I chugged the water on my way out to the sales floor.

Bam-bam.

Feeling like everything inside me was riding on the edge, I fisted my hand and banged back. Pictures rattled on the wall around me and a bronze sign with the saying
No better peace than right her
clattered to the floor. I heard Ruthie’s voice halt abruptly, and I turned to see her staring at me along with fifteen sets of little eyes and many of the parents.

“Sorry,” I said.

Bam.

That was it. I set my water bottle down on the counter and walked right out the front door, the bell jingling madly behind me. The brisk air hit me full-on, making me suck in a chest full of the cold, thick air, but it felt good. I wanted it to chill everything in me and freeze over.

Noah’s truck was gone and I felt an odd mix of massive relief and the twinge of disappointment. When I pulled open the heavy diner door, warmth hit me again, coupled with the mouthwatering aroma of fried chicken.

But I wasn’t there for that. I couldn’t show weakness.

I smiled briefly at Linny as she looked up from taking an order, and she winked at me. I walked right up to the counter and stared at the top of Johnny Mack’s head as he bent over the grease pits. I was determined to stand there until the force of my will made him look up.

“Hey, Jules,” said a voice to my left.

I jerked my head to see Shayna sitting alone at the lunch counter, smiling at me with tired eyes. Some of my ire fizzled down, but a large part of it just started a whole new swirl of uncomfortable.

“Oh—hey,” I responded, not moving at first. I glanced back at Johnny Mack, who hadn’t budged, and then back to her.

The polite thing to do would be to go talk to her, especially after the night we’d had and the fact that she had been very nice then, too. Everything inside me battled as I wished her not to be so damn nice.

She looked girl-next-door pretty in a long denim skirt and matching jacket, and tall brown boots. It made me fidget with my own boring Ruthie-inspired black sweater and tank top over a black wraparound skirt and leggings. Maybe I felt the all-black would help me disappear. Maybe I wanted to feel as confident as Ruthie. But as I walked closer to Shayna, I felt like an old woman or a school librarian next to her freshness. I could have looked that good thirteen years ago, but I didn’t then either. I was just as boring then.

“Did you have the fried chicken?” I asked, for lack of anything more rousing to say. “It’s really good.”

“I did have a piece,” she said. “With the grilled veggies—really good.”

One piece.
Great, she ate like a sparrow, too.

She looked sideways at Johnny Mack. “I saw him banging with his cane,” she said softly. “That’s your store on the other side, right?”

I blew out a breath. “Yes, and he’s driving me up a damn tree with that.”

“Why does he do that?”

I shook my head. “He says he hears music,” I said. “We hardly ever play any music. My mom used to, years ago, but I don’t play anything. Linny doesn’t even hear it,” I said, raising my voice to reach him. “He’s off his damn rocker.”

I saw his mouth tighten, although he didn’t look up, meaning he’d seen me from the get-go and chose to ignore. The muscles in my shoulders tightened into tiny balls as the old hatred spurned by hurt burned deeper into my chest. I took a deep breath and turned away, facing Shayna full-on. I wouldn’t let him goad me, not even with his haughty silence, not in front of her.

“So how is everything going?” I asked, with not a clue in hell where I was going with it. She could take that fifty different directions, and I just hoped she’d pick one.

“Good,” she said, fiddling with her coffee cup, giving me nothing. Great. “Your ex make it home okay last night?” she asked, her nose crinkling on a cute smile.

I groaned. “That’s a memory I’d like to erase. For everyone.”

Shayna laughed and pushed her cup away. “Don’t sweat it. We all have crazy exes.”

“And that’s the sad part,” I said. “He’s not. He’s always been the stable one, emotionally. I’ve never seen him be so idiotic before.”

She licked her lips, looking at the counter before meeting my eyes again. “I think maybe it was seeing Noah.”

And there it was, the giant elephant.

“Probably,” I said quietly.

“More decaf, hon?” Linny asked as she moved down the counter with a pot in each hand.

“No, thank you,” Shayna said, holding up a hand.

Linny questioned me with her eyes and I shook my head that I didn’t need anything so she could keep going. I couldn’t have any of these conversations around her, I never had in all these years. Not once did I ever talk to her about her brother, or giving up the baby, even though she always remained nice and chatty with me and even sent a beautiful card when Becca was born. It was like an unspoken agreement between us. We’d talk about Johnny Mack being a dick, and we both knew why, but we didn’t go there. And it was like Noah never existed.

With him back now, I knew she was keeping a bit of a distance to avoid conversation that might go past
Hello
and
Here are the specials
, and that was okay. I didn’t know what to say, either.

“When he first came to the table, I thought it was an old friend of Noah’s,” Shayna said, bringing me back. “But when Noah went into his—glazed-over mode,” she said with a gesture at her eyes, “I realized it was the guy you’d been dancing with earlier.”

My stomach churned with the uncomfortable air that settled around us. “What did Hayden say?” I asked.

“Oh, he introduced himself, we did too, it was all fine until he made some comment about me keeping Noah on a tight leash.”

“Oh, my God,” I said into a hand I’d raised to hide behind.

“Yeah, it pretty much went downhill from there.”

I dropped my hand. “Shayna, I am so sorry.”

She chuckled silently. “It’s okay, Jules. I’m a big girl.”

“I know, but—” I stopped and breathed in deep and let it out. “I know you have probably been swamped with Noah’s past since you crossed into Copper Falls, and it keeps landing on you at every turn.”

She laughed out loud, transforming her face into stunning again. “Very true.”

“You handle it so damn well,” I said. “I want to grow up and be you one day.”

She giggled again and touched my hand. “Never fear, I’m not as secure as I look.”

“Well, then you fake it like a pro.”

She tilted her head, her face morphing into a mask of professionalism. “My daddy taught me to smile through pain, never to give your hand away, and shake hands like a man.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Wow.”

Her face relaxed back into reality. “Yeah, my dad didn’t have any boys.”

I laughed out loud, realizing I felt truly relaxed for the first time in a week. Damn it, this girl could actually be my friend. If she weren’t—something else. The thought sent my gaze to her left hand, and my mind flew back in time to a piece of string that turned into a tiny gold band with a sparkly chip on top. Shayna sported a white-gold ring with a large square-cut diamond and smaller ones headed down the sides. It was gorgeous. And expensive. I wondered if he’d tied a piece of string around her finger first.

“So speaking of boys,” I began, feeling braver in our conversation. “Do you know what you’re having?”

The light in her eyes faded instantly, although the smile remained tacked in place. One hand rested against her belly protectively. I remembered that feeling.

“Not yet,” she said. “Not sure if I’m going to. I’m kind of old school like that. I want the surprise.”

“I did too,” I said, thinking only of Becca. I didn’t even let myself go anywhere else. “I know what you mean.”

“So—how was it when you were pregnant?” she asked, meeting my eyes with an odd look. For a hair of a second I wondered if she
was
talking about the other one. Noah’s. I opened my mouth, but it went dry as my heartbeat sped up. “I mean, was the dad all involved in it or was it mainly just you?”

The strange question took me off guard even more than my fear of which pregnancy she was talking about. I licked my lips so they’d function again.

“Um—yeah, he was very involved, wanted to know everything, feel every kick.” Both times. I remembered Noah kissing my belly good-bye every day. Hayden spooning me, sleeping with his hand palming my stomach, holding both of us. “I was lucky,” I said, never realizing that before.

“Yes, you were,” she agreed.

I couldn’t get a read on her mood, but it had definitely shifted. “Well, I’m sure you have that, too,” I said, pushing to lighten the air. “Just keep him up on all of it, because they don’t have the advantage we do, of our own little personal dance party going on twenty-four-seven. They just get to look in the window.”

Shayna smiled again, chuckling at that as she looked down thoughtfully. “Good point.”

“You may want to ask mommy advice from someone who values the role,” said a scratchy voice to my right.

We both turned to see Johnny Mack standing behind the counter in front of us, having come around from the kitchen without either of us noticing.

“What?” I breathed.

Without looking at me, he wiped his hands on his apron and patted Shayna’s hand. “You care about family, honey. This one doesn’t. She throws one kid away and never thinks of him again while she raises another to be a heathen.”

My eyes filled with instant tears and every molecule of my body lit up with a blaze of heat. His image swam before me and all I could hear was my own breathing. I couldn’t even look at Shayna. I felt her grip on my hand, and I blinked the tears down my face.

“Don’t say things like that,” I heard her say quietly.

“Honey, you don’t know—” he began, again pretending I wasn’t there.

“What’s wrong with you?” I whispered, my voice too shaky to go louder. “You don’t talk to me for years, and then you go spewing poison like that.”

“I’m still not talking to you,” he said, focusing on Shayna. “I’ve fixed your screwups.”

“You’ve done
what
?”

“I’m not talking to you,” he repeated slowly, looking me in the eye for the first time. “I’m telling Shayna what I know—”

“You don’t know anything,” I said, not recognizing the raw gravelly tone coming from my throat. I pushed away from the counter. “And how dare you insult Becca like that, you miserable old fuck. You aren’t even lucky enough to know her.”

“I don’t need to,” he said, leaning over the counter, his wrinkled face older than I remembered noticing. “I have real grandchildren to get to know. My blood.”

I backed up, noticing Shayna’s shocked face drain even paler as she stared at Johnny Mack. I was oblivious to the tears running down my face.

“Rot in hell, old man,” I said, the words choking me even as my hatred for him overwhelmed me. Once upon a time I’d loved him like a father. He’d treated me like his own. It broke my heart and hardened it at the same time. “And you bang on that wall one more time,” I said through my teeth, pushing forward again “and so help me, I will personally come over here and rip everything off of yours.
Do
you hear me?”

He grabbed a towel and began wiping down the counter as if I’d never been there. Sobs bubbled up and I turned and bolted through the door, pushing a lady out of my way and barreling straight into Noah’s arms.

“Whoa,” he exclaimed, wrapping his arms around me to stabilize us both before looking to see who he’d caught. “Jules, what’s—”

I broke free without speaking and pushed past him.

“Jules, wait, what’s wrong?” he said, following me.

“Leave me alone, Noah.”

If I’d only had my purse with me I would have headed straight for my car and driven home. In lieu of that, I yanked open the door to the bookstore and prayed he’d stop.