Don't Look Back (2 page)

It doesn’t matter anyway, I thought. I have no desire to get involved with anyone ever again. Besides, technically I’m still married. And the only thing I want to focus on is myself and my baby. That’s all that matters now.

I finally drifted off to sleep, but near morning I woke abruptly from a nightmare. Trevor had found me and locked me up again. But this time there was an added terror: he had taken my baby.

Not able to fall back asleep, I got up and showered, packed my belongings, and checked out of the motel. I tried to shake off the lingering fear the nightmare had generated and instead focused on the possibilities that my future held.

Driving around the small town in the early morning dawn, I thought I was going to like living here. The downtown was hardly more than two rows of stores lining the street. Although there weren’t a lot of shops, the area was quite pretty. Trees seemed to march up and down the street and bricks formed crosswalks at each corner.

No one was around this early in the morning, but I had time to kill so I pulled my car into a parking space and climbed out. As I walked the short distance from one end of the street to the other, I looked in the store windows. When I came to a bakery I stopped, seeing a Help Wanted sign prominently displayed in the window. I wondered if I had any chance of getting a job there. I could see people working inside. I decided to apply once I had moved my few belongings into my new house.

Checking the time, I saw it was close enough to the time I had agreed to meet Mary at the house and decided to head over there. Five minutes later I pulled up to the little cottage and felt a thrill at the prospect of living there. Although I didn’t have any furniture, I was sure I could find some things at garage sales. In the meantime I would make do.

I didn’t have long to wait until Mary came. This time she brought her husband, Edward. He was just as friendly as Mary.

“It sure is nice of you to give me a break on the rent,” I said.

Edward smiled. “Mary told me about your situation and we’re happy to help you out.”

I felt a bit guilty that they believed I was a widow and I hoped that hadn’t played too large a part in their decision to cut the rent. Though I felt sorry for the lie, I knew I hadn’t done it to purposely fool anyone so much as to protect myself and my unborn child.

When they presented the rental agreement, I hesitated. Should I sign my name as Lily or Kate? They hadn’t asked to see an ID, so I went ahead and signed as Kate Jamison, making my deception complete. I handed the paper back to them and they didn’t question it. I gave them the first month’s rent and the security deposit in cash, and they gave me the key.

“The utilities were never turned off. You’ll just need to put them in your name,” Edward said. “By the way, when is the moving truck arriving?”

I felt my face color. “Actually, this is it.” I pointed to my car.

“What about your furniture?” Mary asked, concern clear on her face.

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll be able to find what I need.”

“You mean you’re buying all new things?” Mary asked, obviously shocked by the idea of such an extravagance.

“Oh no,” I said. “I’ll hit the garage sales. And isn’t there a Goodwill around here somewhere?”

“Yes, there’s one in the next town.”

“Great. I’ll check it out.” I smiled. “And thank you again for your kindness.”

They left after that and I was able to begin moving my things into the house. As I hung my belongings on the few hangers that had been left in the closet, I wondered what would be comfortable to sleep on that night.

I could buy an air mattress and sleeping bag, I thought. It would be like the campouts Dad used to take me on.

I smiled in sweet remembrance of the good times I had shared with my father, then felt a pang of guilt for depriving my own child the company of his or her father.

But as I thought of the harm Trevor could do by treating me so poorly in front of our child, I felt my remorse vanish. I knew I was doing the right thing. I knew it more clearly than I had ever known anything in my life. Nodding in grim satisfaction that I was making the right choice, I headed back out to my car and brought in the rest of my things.

As I placed the few pieces of my mother’s china that I had been able to salvage from Trevor’s fit of rage in the cupboard, I felt peace to have a small bit of my childhood home in my new home. Once the last plate was placed on the shelf, I stood back and surveyed my kitchen.

Though there was plenty of cabinet and counter space, I didn’t have anything with which to fill the drawers and cupboards. The china had only taken up half of one cupboard. Worry washed over me as I considered the expense it would take to get the minimal necessities.

Pressing my hands to my face, I felt despair threatening my earlier feeling of peace.

What does it matter what I have, I thought, lifting my face and gazing at my new backyard. As long as I’m safe and have my freedom, it doesn’t matter what
things
I have.

As my innate optimism cleansed away my despair, I heard a knock at the door and froze, suddenly terrified that Trevor had tracked me down. Frantically glancing around for some place to hide, I realized that I was vulnerable in this house, away from so many other people.

“Kate?” someone was shouting. “Are you okay?”

Relief surged through me as I recognized Mary’s voice. Hurrying to the door, I was shocked to see what she had brought.

Chapter Three

There were two pickup trucks parked in the driveway, both full of furniture. My eyes met Mary’s. “What is this?”

Mary grinned. “When Edward and I saw you didn’t have a stick of furniture, we knew just what to do. You see, our church has been collecting furniture and household goods to donate to charity. But we all agree that you could use it the most.” She paused. “I hope you don’t mind, dear.”

Trying to control the tears that were pushing their way into my eyes, I shook my head. “I don’t mind at all.”

“Good. Then let these nice men get to work and move you in.”

I stepped onto the porch with Mary by my side as the men began carrying in all the furniture, towels, sheets, and dishes I could have wished for. It didn’t take long for them to finish, and I could only smile in gratitude. I knew if I opened my mouth to thank them I would burst into tears.

When the men had left and only Mary remained, I hugged the old woman. “You must be the kindest person I’ve ever met.”

“Thank you, dear,” Mary said, as I released her. “It was worth it just to see the expression on your face.” She chuckled. “To say you were surprised would be an understatement.”

I laughed. “At first when I heard the knock on the door I thought it was . . .” I stopped abruptly, realizing I had almost given away my secret.

“Thought it was what, dear?”

“I thought it was a sales person.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Most sales people don’t want to bother coming out here.”

“That’s one benefit of living in the country, I guess.”

“One of many. You’ll find it’s very quiet at night. Only the sound of the crickets to keep you company. I hope you don’t mind the solitude.”

“Not at all. I actually grew up in a small town, so this isn’t all that different.”

“Good. Well you have a nice day, Kate. And give me a call if you need anything.”

After assuring her that I would, I waved good bye, then went back into my house to see what the men had brought.

There was a couch, end table, and coffee table in the living room, a small table with chairs in the dining room, and a bed and dresser in my bedroom. Fresh sheets and towels were stacked on the dresser and a blanket was folded neatly on the bed.

Overwhelmed with gratitude, I had never felt so loved before. Any lingering doubt about my choice to leave Trevor had been completely erased.

Inspecting my kitchen, I found several boxes that held dishes and other kitchen items. However, there were still a few things I would need to buy to make my kitchen functional. I also needed to make a big trip to the grocery store to stock up on staples, like flour, sugar, and the like. But first I would open an account at the bank and deposit the money I’d brought with me.

The eighty-five thousand dollars was all I had left from my father’s life insurance policy and it was vital to my survival. I didn’t feel comfortable having that kind of cash lying around the house, unprotected. That money would pay for my education and I would need every penny to see me through the next few years it would take to complete my degree.

I also realized I would most likely have to sell Dad’s house sooner than I had planned. But before making that decision, I would rely on the cash on hand.

Though I planned on getting a job, I was realistic enough to know that once the baby was born, working and going to school would be extremely difficult. I had to conserve my funds now in order to ensure I could survive once the baby came.

As I thought about the most recent semester and how close I had come to finishing it, my anger at Trevor rekindled. When I’d become pregnant and had tried to leave, he had found me and brought me home, then locked me in our apartment and not allowed me to finish the semester. There had only been two weeks left, but his fear that I would run had given him the excuse he needed to prevent me from going anywhere or seeing anyone.

When I had convinced him I was happy with him and would never leave, he had left me on my own and I had called the police with a tip that he was involved in the recent car thefts that had been occurring in the area. The next thing I knew, he had been arrested and I had taken advantage of the opportunity and run.

Now I was here in this small town in the Central Valley of California, relishing my freedom, yet wary of anyone knowing the truth about my past.

Besides the fear of Trevor finding me, I felt ashamed; ashamed that I had been so easily fooled. Trevor must have seen me as an easy mark. Maybe he did love me, but he also had stolen the money my father had left me. I felt stupid for trusting him, for falling for him, for believing he loved me.

Pushing aside the mistakes from the past, I picked up my purse and went out to my car. After stopping by the bank and opening an account, I drove to the bakery. The Help Wanted sign was still there and since things were going so well today, I had high hopes I would be able to get this job. My hopes were quickly dashed, however, when the owner of the bakery told me she wanted someone with more experience.

“But I learn quickly and I’m a hard worker,” I said.

“I’m sorry, but I just don’t think you’re right for the job.”

Embarrassed to have the few customers in the store watch my rejection, I left the bakery and walked back toward my car.

Chapter Four

Though feeling dejected, I decided to go to the grocery store. I ended up driving to the next town over, since my town was too small to have anything more than mom and pop stores and I wanted the selection and pricing of the large stores.

As I walked up and down the aisles, I thought about Mary and how she and her husband believed I had been widowed. While I felt bad about misleading them, I knew it was best for people to know as little as possible about my situation. The less they knew, the less likely someone would say something that would lead Trevor to me. The thought of Trevor tracking me down terrified me. I knew he would feel I had betrayed him when I didn’t come to the jail and bail him out. He had trusted me to bring the gym bag full of
my
money to the jail. He’d had no one else to turn to and I had let him down. At least I was sure that would be how he would see it.

Then I remembered what he’d said the last time he had threatened me about running away. I pictured the cold look in his eyes as he’d warned me,
If I have to track you down again there are going to be some serious consequences
. I didn’t know what those ‘consequences’ would be, but if they were more serious than keeping me prisoner in my own home, I didn’t want to know what he had in mind.

As different scenarios flashed through my mind, all feelings of security fled and I felt a strong urge to run. My gaze darted wildly from one shopper to the next, but they were oblivious to me, busy choosing items from the shelves and placing them in their carts. No one paid attention to me and I took several deep breaths, trying to calm myself.

He has no idea where you are, I thought, as I reached for a can of soup, my hand shaking. For all you know, he’s in jail and will be there for a long time. He’ll eventually lose interest in you and you’ll be home free.

I tried to believe those ideas, but deep down I knew he would never stop looking for me. Hopelessness cascaded over me and I felt like someone had placed a heavy jacket around my shoulders. A jacket that weighed me down, made it difficult to move forward.

I had always had an optimistic attitude, but the thoughts I was having were difficult to overcome. By strength of will, I kept walking down the aisle, studiously following my list and filling my cart with what I needed. I was grateful I had the list; I was having trouble thinking clearly and felt certain I wouldn’t have a clue what to buy if it wasn’t written down.

Finally finished checking off all the items on my list, I trudged to the checkout line and purchased my groceries. After loading the bags into my car, I pulled out of my parking space and drove toward the exit.

Activity on a grassy area near the exit caught my eye. A group of people were surrounding something. I watched as a man bent down, then stood back up, a puppy in his hands. I drove my car toward the group, parking in a space nearby. I watched the activity for a few minutes, seeing the happy faces of the people playing with the puppies. A gap in the group opened up and I counted three puppies. They looked like German Shepherd puppies.

I’d always heard that German Shepherds made excellent watch dogs. I imagined Trevor knocking down my front door and my dog protecting me. I opened my car door and was walking toward the puppies before I had completed visualizing the possible incident with Trevor.