Don't Tell (5 page)

My heart sank as I realized that I could never invite Ian over for dinner, or anything else. Charles would always be drunk, or hungover, and always bitter. That's the life I live, and I was stupid for thinking even for a second that I could be normal.

“
It's ok, Lucy. I don't have to be introduced to your dad,” he smiled, but I knew Ian. I knew that his smile was forced. “Do you want to hang out with me today?”

I nodded. “Yeah, actually, I do. I just...” I paused awkwardly. “I need to get ready...” I was unsure of how to say what I was going to say. How do you tell somebody '
I need to go through my window so I don't wake up my dad
'?

“
What is it?” His voice was full of concern and it warmed my heart to know that he actually cared about me.

“
I need to go through my window,” I finally said.

He looked confused, but he simply said, “Ok.”

I started to walk around to the side of the house and I noticed he wasn't following. “You can wait in my room... If you want.”

He shook his head. “I'll wait out here.”

“
Oh.” I felt confused. Did what happened with Charles change his mind? Did he regret asking me to spend the day with him?

Ian took a step closer, pushing my bangs away from my eyes. “It's not that I don't want to come inside. My dad just always told me it was inappropriate to be in a girl's bedroom.”

His words made me smile. He respected me. “Wow,” my voice caught in my throat. “I umm... I'll be right out.”

I rushed through a shower, threw my hair up in a messy bun and got dressed in about 10 minutes... Record time. When I climbed out my window, I saw Ian leaning up against his truck.

Ian's brown hair, as always, was messy, but in an intentional way. It looked good on him. I wanted nothing more than to run my fingers through it. His eyes, the same color as his hair, sparkled in the sunlight. I stood there for a few seconds, just looking at him. He was absolutely gorgeous, and completely oblivious to it.

When his eyes met mine, I was sure my face turned red. I was embarrassed that I was caught staring at him. I walked towards him.

“
So, I was thinking...” Ian paused, and I could see the mischievous look in his eyes. “I want to teach you how to drive.”

I bit my lip nervously. “I don't know.”

“
Come on, Lucy. You're going to be 18 soon, it's time you learn how to drive a car.”

I sighed in defeat. I knew he was right, but it didn't make it any better of an idea. “What if I suck? And I crash your truck?” I tried talking him out of it.

“
My truck is so old, it wouldn't hurt it. Besides, you won't crash,” he pulled me close. “I will protect you.”

I felt warm and protected in his arms. At this point, I'd probably say
yes
to anything. “Fine. But when I total your truck, you have to promise you won't hate me.”

“
I could never hate you.”

I smiled. “You might if you have to start walking everywhere.”

“
Such the optimist,” he laughed.

So, 20 minutes, 5 kisses and 1 very long pep talk later, I found myself sitting behind the wheel of his truck.

“
Push in the brake and clutch when you start it,” he instructed me.

I looked down at the pedals, feeling very stupid. “Which one is the clutch?”

He looked at me for a moment, probably wondering what planet I was from. “On the left. In the middle is the brake.”

“
Brakes. Very important. Got it.” I pushed in the clutch and brake, turned the key, and the truck roared to life. “What now?”

He pointed at the gear shifter. “Up and to the left.”

I tried to push it into gear, but it was harder than it looked. It took me a couple of times before it went in.

“
Now,” he instructed me, “slowly let off the clutch as you accelerate.”

As soon as I left off the clutch, the truck jerked to a stop and died. “Did I break it?” I panicked.

He laughed. “No. Try again. This time ease up slower on the clutch.”

After killing the engine about 15 times, I finally got taken off. He showed me how to stop, and how to change gears. I still hadn't totally mastered the art of taking off yet, but it was an improvement. However, after almost hitting a stop sign, I told Ian I had enough for one day and he took over.

Once he was safely behind the wheel, I sighed of relief. “You know, maybe I'm not meant to drive a car. It's a sign from God.”

He glanced over at me. “We will try again tomorrow after church.”

I rolled my eyes, but inside my stomach fluttered, because Ian wanted to spend the next day with me too. “You are so stubborn and persistent.”

“
Trust me, you will thank me one day very soon.”

I knew that his words were true. “Maybe.”

“
Do you want to go to the lake today?” He asked, changing the subject.

I nodded, smiling. The lake was officially my new favorite spot.

Six

Don't tell

Ian

I almost told Lucy that I love her. But I'm glad I didn't. It would be highly inappropriate. We've went out on one date, two if you include today, and I haven't even officially asked her to be my girlfriend. If I confessed that I've been in love with since the day I met her, she would think that I'm crazy... Maybe I am...

Truthfully, I don't believe in
love at first sight
. Love comes softly, growing over time. And I've been watching Lucy for 13 years now, and each day my feelings grow stronger for her. I am not going to scare her off by confessing my undying love for her.

We both sat on the ground, looking towards the lake. Lucy laid her head on my shoulder, and I took her hand in mine. The only sound was the wind blowing the leaves, and the sound of her steady breathing.

“
When you think of the future, what do you see?”

Lucy's question surprised me. The truth is that I've been thinking about the future a lot, and the only thing I was certain about was her.

“
I see you,” I answered honestly.

She smiled at my answer, but she quickly let it fade. “What if you change your mind?”

“
Why would I do that?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe once you get to know me better, you won't like me anymore.”

“
Nothing could ever make me change my mind about you,” I said in a very firm voice. I wanted her to understand just how much I cared about her. “Lucy...” I cut off. I was about to say
I love you
.

“
What is it?” she pressed.

“
Nothing... I'm just... I'm glad you're here with me.”

“
Me too,” she agreed, as she put her head back on my shoulder. I liked it there.

There were so many unanswered questions, so many things I wanted to say, but in that moment none of it mattered. The only thing that mattered to me was Lucy.

We sat there in silence for what felt like hours. Us being together, it felt right. I didn't know what the future held, I hoped her, but even if she broke my heart, it would all be worth it in the end, because Lucy is worth.

…

Lucy

That night, I thought about my day spent with Ian. I couldn't help but smile when I thought about him and me together. It just felt right, like I was supposed to be with him.

I pulled out my journal.

When it comes to Ian, everything comes naturally. We don't have to try to be together, we just are. And that is why I like spending time with him. I can just be me. No pretending, and no fake smiles. Just me and him. It's like I have my own world with Ian... When I'm with him, I forget about my mom's death. I forget about my abusive, alcoholic father. It's just the two of us, and it makes everything better for a while.

My reality sucks. I can pretend all I want, but nothing will change the facts. I'm lying to myself and to Ian, but the thing is, I can't stop. I don't WANT to stop. I'm so selfish. I NEED Ian. He makes me feel better, normal even.

I can't help but wonder how long I have with him. Days? Weeks? Months? What I really want is forever, but I have to be realistic. I have to remind myself the truth. I won't have Ian forever. So, while I do have him in my life, I will enjoy every second, because in the end, all I will have is memories... And what good memories they are.

I heard stumbling in the living room, so I shut my journal and shut off my lamp. Even though Charles hadn't hit me in a couple of weeks, I didn't want to take any chances. I knew that the abusive guy still lived inside him somewhere, and I didn't want to provoke him.

I heard a knock on my door. I quickly closed my eyes and pretended that I was asleep.

Maybe he will go away
.

My door swung open. “Wake up you little whore,” I heard his slurred voice.

My stomach dropped at the sound.

God, please, not tonight. Please, don't let him hurt me,
I prayed.

I sat up on my bed. “Hey, Dad,” I tried not to sound scared.

“
You're the reason she died,” his voice was full of malice and hate. He stepped closer and shoved me. I fell off the bed backward. I got off the floor and stood by my window, wishing I could escape.

“
She didn't even want kids.” His words stung. I could feel my eyes start to fill with tears. He stepped closer to me, and I braced myself for a hit. He laughed. “You're not worth the effort it takes to hit you.”

He pushed me against my open window. When he did, I fell out backwards. When I felt myself hit the ground, everything turned black.

…

Ian

When I showed up at Lucy's house Sunday morning, she wasn't waiting outside for me. I knew better than to knock on the door today, so I walked around to the side where her window was. I started to knock, but her window was open. I looked inside and saw her lying on her bed. She was covered in dirt and dried blood.

“
Lucy!” I climbed through her window as quickly as possible. She looked up at me for a second and then hid her face with her arm.

“
Ian, please go away.” Tears ran freely down her face.

Her words hurt. I hated that she was pushing me away again.

I suddenly felt very selfish. I knew that I shouldn't be worrying about my own feelings. “What happened?” I asked her, ignoring her request.

“
I fell out of my window.” Lucy avoided eye contact as she explained. I knew that she was lying to me, but at that moment, I really didn't care about anything but making sure she was ok.

“
Look at me,” I demanded her. She obeyed. When she looked at me, I could see that the cut on her forehead was pretty severe. “You need stitches. I have to take you to the hospital.”

“
I can't!” she began to tremble.

“
Why can't you go, Lucy?”

“
Do you believe me?” her voice broke up. “Do you believe that I fell out of the window?”

I looked at her for a moment, unsure of how to respond. Finally, being honest, I shook my head. “No, Lucy, I don't believe you
fell
out the window.”

“
Then why would they believe me at the hospital?”

“
I don't understand.”

“
I didn't just fall out of the window, Ian.” Her voice was cold and withdrawn.

“
Then what happened?” I took her hands in mine. I was glad when she didn't push me away.

She lowered her voice to a whisper. “You have to promise you won't tell anybody.”

I shook my head. “I don't know if I can promise you something like that. I need to know what it is first. I can't... If somebody is hurting you... I have to protect you, Lucy.”

“
Please. If you care about me at all, even a little, you have to promise me. Promise you won't tell anybody.” I could hear the panic in her voice.

“
Please tell me.” I couldn't promise. I just couldn't.

“
Promise me.”

I sighed and nodded my head. I hated making a promise that I wasn't sure I could keep, but I had to know. I had to protect her. “Fine. I won't tell anybody.”

She took a deep breath and her voice stayed a whisper. “Sometimes, when my dad drinks, he get's mean. I know that it's not
really
him. He's just
had a hard time dealing with my mom's death. And last night he kind of... shoved me...”