Double Heat [Twin Ties: 3] (9 page)

He tried to tell himself to make up an excuse, to say no to the invitation. There was, hanging over his head, after all, Carter’s promise to intervene in Evan’s problems should the need arise. But Evan knew there was getting to be too much he couldn’t say, too much kept inside. It was driving him crazy and making him question everything.

Maybe a short visit would be okay, and do some good.

He texted back that he’d stop by for a little while, but couldn’t stay long.

At least it was something to look forward to, and something to help him feel a little less alone.

As soon as Evan had begun the drive over to Carter and Presley’s apartment after work, he knew he’d made the right call in deciding to go. It had always been so easy when he’d lived at his dad’s place to wander off and visit Jimmy, or just clear his head with a peaceful change of scenery. There’d been no one around to bother or judge him. Now that he lived in town, right in the center of things, there was no escape from the pressure of having to act the right way all the time. Either he was trying to keep his boyfriends happy or he was trying not to be pegged as a gay teen when out in public, mostly for safety reasons, but privacy meant a lot to him too. There never seemed to be time for him to drop his guard and just relax.

But at least in going to see Carter, he was escaping the confusing feelings he had surrounding Brennan’s imminent departure by talking to someone outside of the situation without simultaneously putting himself on display for onlookers.

The real question was how to explain things to Carter when Evan didn’t even understand them?

All Evan knew was that everything had changed when he’d moved in with the other three. It had been nothing at all like when Alek had briefly lived with Evan and Brennan at their dad’s house. Then, Evan had been injured and in recovery mode. Working, resting, and healing were the top priorities for Evan and Alek. That had been before Brennan and Luka had officially merged into their relationship, so everything had been simpler, if not imperfect and sometimes lonely. Evan had felt then like he had his freedom—maybe even too much of it.

After the debacle of all of the cheating and Charlie coming back, it had taken a while for things to settle back into some sort of routine and normalcy. Once they had, Evan started to realize things about how he felt about the new normal. He didn’t like living in town. The pressure to be everything for everyone all the time—Alek
and
Luka
and
Brennan—was overwhelming, especially after living his whole life with no one expecting much of anything from him, ever. There was the constant sense that, since the happiness of everyone involved in their foursome depended on balance and cooperation, if one of them was out of whack, it hurt everyone else.

Since Brennan was leaving, it felt like all of the normal pressure to behave, perform, and control his own emotions was rising out of control for Evan.

He parked out front of Carter’s apartment and sat behind the wheel for a moment, watching the world pass by. It was nice to just sit in the car, isolated and cocooned, a solid barrier between him and everyone else for just a little while.

He really did love Alek and Luka. He just wasn’t sure that who they saw when they looked at him matched who he really was inside. And he didn’t have any idea how to fix that.

With a sigh, Evan got out of the car. He headed inside Carter’s building, climbing the steps leading to the door of the second floor apartment. He knocked lightly before trying the knob, which was usually unlocked if someone was at home. They had so many friends and band mates dropping in and out all the time, it made more sense to leave it open than to have to keep checking the door themselves.

“Yeah!” Carter yelled from inside.

“Hey,” Evan said, trying on a faint smile in greeting as he opened the door. Carter was sitting on the couch with a beer, a spiral notebook open in front of him on the coffee table. The pages were covered in scrawled handwriting and trails of penciled-in music notes. Carter was leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he looked over the page in front of him.

“Grab a beer. Have a seat,” Carter offered after a brief glance upward at his guest.

“Thanks.” Evan pulled a cold bottle from the fridge, popping the cap off with a bottle opener mounted to the edge of the countertop. Taking a big swallow, he let the cool drink slide down his throat, his eyes closed as he tried to let go of some of his troubles. He didn’t want to unload them on Carter; he’d rather push them down again and just relax for once.

When he felt he had it more together, he went back into the living area and took a seat on the recliner next to the couch.

“So, what’s going on?” Carter asked. He sat back, giving Evan more of his attention. Evan kind of wished he wouldn’t.

“Not much.”

“Did you talk to them?”

“Jesus, dude. Cut right to it, huh? Let me drink my beer first, okay?”

Evan took another drink just to have an excuse not to talk. Carter was looking at him like he could see more than Evan wanted, and understood more than he liked.

The place was quiet. Music was playing—just a recording of someone noodling around on the guitar, but the volume was turned down really low. Presley was probably out working. He had weird hours since he worked at the gym with Luka.

Evan knew the look Carter was wearing. He had things to say, but he was letting them sit there, on the tip of his tongue, chewing on them instead of spitting them out. He did that a lot, but Evan didn’t mind. Sometimes it was better to not say the first thing you thought.

Carter had promised on the phone at the seafood place that he could tell just by scrutinizing Evan’s caginess how much and how little he’d said to the twins. Evan suspected it was probably true. The quiet thickening of the air was an open invitation for Evan to let his mouth run as much as it needed to.

And if there was ever anything certain, it was that Evan’s mouth knew how to run if given the chance.

“You ever been with two guys at once?” he asked, wishing he hadn’t.

“No,” Carter answered with what seemed like honesty, shaking his head, swirling his beer. “Seems that would be one hell of a lot to handle.”

“Mm,” Evan grunted. “It changes more than you’d think. Everything gets so... complicated. One on one, it’s a lot clearer. Easier.”

“Ev,” Carter said with a frustrated sort of sigh, sitting more upright and holding Evan with his gaze, “If this shit isn’t working for you, then leave. Break up with them. It won’t be the end of the world, I promise. If you need somewhere to go, somewhere to stay, Pres and I are here for you—”

Evan laughed to push past the knot of tense fear in his chest. “I can’t do that. I love them. I can’t imagine not being with them.”

“But something is wrong here.” Carter was getting angry, gritting his teeth. “I look at you, Ev, and all I see is fear. You shouldn’t be afraid of the people you love!”

Evan’s eyes prickled. He wiped a hand over his face, blinking hard, blowing out air, shaking it off. He tried to speak and couldn’t.

“I swear to fucking god, Evan, if they’re hurting you....”

“They’re not....” The words died, run out of air. He couldn’t inhale. His throat felt squeezed. He set the beer down on the table, sat back, tried to calm down.

A hand touched his leg and he flinched. Carter had shifted closer, had reached out. After the flinch, Carter raised his hands to show he meant no harm.

Evan took a shaky breath. He felt cold all over and too unsteady to move.

“They’re not hurting me,” he managed in barely a whisper.

“That is not the reaction of someone who’s not being hurt,” Carter seethed.

“That has nothing to do with them! Just because I’m fucked up doesn’t mean it’s on them to fix me! I’ve been fucking committed, Carter. Yes, there is plenty of shit wrong with me.”

“What’s behind this? What’s freaking you out so much, if it’s not them?”

“I don’t know.” Evan shook his head, grabbed his beer, drank it down, then set the empty back on the table. “It’s just a lot right now.”

“What would make you feel better?”

“If Bren wasn’t leaving,” Evan said automatically.

“What else?”

Evan shrugged.

“You tried to talk to them about this?”

“Kind of. Yes. Over dinner, with the lobsters.”

“How’d that work out?”

“Delicious,” Evan said with exhausted, sarcastic zeal. Carter grinned, which made Evan grin, since it helped the vibe between them feel a lot less tense.

“Bren really let you get away with that? I had twenty bucks that said he’d try to wrestle them away from you and set them free in the wild or some shit.”

“Oh, so you’re betting against me now, huh? I see how this goes.” His small smile lingered. He felt a little better, too.

Carter tipped the bottle in his hand toward the kitchen. “You want another beer?”

“Nah. Better not. Can’t stay long. I didn’t exactly tell them I was detouring on my way home.”

Carter tossed his hair back over his shoulder, thinking on that a moment. “You need to have another talk with them. Maybe just the three of you if Luka and Alek are the real issue here.”

Evan groaned. “Honestly, if I knew what the real issue was, this mess would be a hell of a lot easier to clean up. Thanks for asking me to come by, though. It’s good to just get away sometimes.”

“I hear that. Hey, any time you need an out, just ask, okay?”

“Got it. Thanks, man.”

Chapter 9
Judging by Appearances

The closer departure day became, the more Brennan was able to see his life through the lens of an outsider. It made him wary and less bold than he typically was. More than ever, it felt as if the four of them were always dancing around one another, or waiting on someone who wasn’t there. At least with four people in the mix, usually
someone
was available at any given time if you were feeling lonely. There was a sense they were all being overly careful not to offend or step on toes. Maybe they needed more time to feel absolutely comfortable with their relationship. He hoped so, at least, and that things would get easier eventually. It was less stressful than his relationship with Tommy had been, but there was still a yearning in him to be able to relax a little more and let his guard down all the way.

At least with Evan, things always felt
right
. Evan was the one part of his life Brennan didn’t ever question. Drawn to him like there were magnets in their chests, forever pulling them closer, Brennan went to Evan when he returned home after work that night. He abandoned his textbooks on the kitchen table, along with his notes and cup of coffee intended to fuel his waning attention span. For the past two days, late classes had kept him from having the chance to have another one-on-one moment with his brother. Now, he was just about to leave and it felt like there was too much to say to speak.

Brennan didn’t know why he and Evan hadn’t been intimate with each other in so long. It was something he tried not to overanalyze, chalking it up to timing and circumstances. Brennan wanted to be with Evan before he left, to enjoy him while he could, but a voice whispered at the back of his mind, telling him maybe it was better to wait. If having incestuous sex was the last, vivid memory he carried with him back home, it might make it harder to face the inevitable questions. And as much as Brennan would have liked to make the trip all about remembering Maggie, he knew he wouldn’t be able to avoid everyone awaiting his arrival.

Torn and confused, Brennan lingered in the doorway to Evan’s bathroom, watching him at the sink as he scrubbed some lingering smudges of grease from his fingers with a little brush and industrial strength soap.

“Hey,” Brennan said, smiling shyly.

Evan gave him a sideways look, raising his eyebrow.

“Hey,” he answered, going back to frowning at his fingers and the stubborn marks.

“Here, let me.” Brennan stepped forward, taking the brush and Evan’s hand, working at the dark smudges.

“I can barely feel that, you’re being too gentle. I’ll never be clean at this rate.”

“I like you dirty,” Brennan smirked. “You okay?”

“Are
you
?” Evan countered. “You’re being weird.”

“I’m just not feeling it right now. Would it be horrible if I don’t try to see
everyone
while I’m down there? And just let the visit be more about Mom?”

“Yes. Horrible,” Evan said with dramatic sarcasm. He took the brush back from Brennan and went back to furiously scrubbing at his hand. Brennan leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips. “If anyone knows how important socializing with all the cool kids from school is, it’s me. Especially when that’s not at all the reason why you’re going to be there. You shouldn’t stress yourself out over crazy shit. You know that. What’s up?”

“I just don’t want to have to explain myself, you know? Everyone makes choices. Why do I have to be the one to have to justify them to the masses?”

“Because you
have
masses?” Evan replied, giving Brennan a knowing look. “It’s a good problem to have. There are people who care about you. They worry and wonder. It doesn’t mean you owe them explanations.”