Down the Shore (11 page)

I slowly came up to my street, expecting to see Nick and his friends upstairs, but their apartment was quiet, dark and empty. I went straight to the couch, flipping on the television.

The next day came and went so quickly. I ran into Stone Harbor to do some shopping on Ninety-sixth Street, my favorite. It was an overcast day; the sun hid all day behind the clouds, laying like blankets in the sky. It wasn't a good beach day, and being there made me think of my family. It was a tradition. We would always head into Stone Harbor on crappy beach days. I wanted to be alone today because I wanted to think. I stayed there most of the afternoon, walking past storefronts, eating ice cream, going into Hoy's 5 & 10, doing some light shopping. It always made me feel better. I loved to shop.

I had the night off and I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to see Colin, and I knew he would be working. The decision to go came so quickly, it was like a lightning bolt had come down and hit me in the head. I hopped into Makenna's car, and jumped onto the Parkway to get to Ocean City faster. I preferred taking the long way through the beaches, but I had no time to waste.

He was exactly where he was supposed to be, behind the big mahogany bar on the outside deck as I ran up to the restaurant. He looked amazing as always, his hair tousled to the left side, white button-down shirt slightly opened, cross hanging from his neck, nestled into his thick black chest hair. I didn't know what to say or do, and the hair on the back of my arms stood straight up. I hesitated, almost unsure of my decision, and thought of turning around and saving it for another day. I slowly walked over, and wondered if he saw me coming.

I pulled the stool out from under the bar and sat down quietly. He was working, and I tried hard not to flag him down. I could be patient.

He glanced up over his shoulder, looked at me and came right over. My heart was racing, as it always was when he looked at me. I thought for a quick second,
the entire place could probably hear it jumping out of my chest
.

"What happened to you?” he spoke softly, refusing to meet my eyes as he cleaned a glass.

I didn't speak;I couldn't.

"Where were you, Abby?” he demanded, looking up and this time staring right into my eyes.

I was embarrassed about what I'd done. He was my friend and I shouldn't have treated him that way. He had promised we could be friends, and I hadn't treated him like one. I answered him honestly.

"I had a date with Nick and I was running late,” I stammered. “I should have come out and told you. I'm sorry,” I apologized. “Are you mad?” I asked innocently. Nervously, I bit my lip.

"No, just disappointed,” he sighed. “I didn't think you were the type to stand someone up.” He frowned. I didn't like seeing him upset, there was no trace of his beautiful smile.

I sat there, never once looking directly into his eyes. I didn't know what to do or say. I sat there, still and silent. I was uncomfortable, feeling guilty and wanting desperately to leave. I slid off the stool, staring at the floor. “Well, I guess I'll get going, then. I'm sorry.” I turned to walk away.

He reached over and grabbed my hand. “Don't.” He stared right through me. He let go of my hand, “Abby, I need to talk to you.” His shook his head slowly back and forth. “How bout a walk later?"

I nodded. That was the least I could do.

"I'll come by after work.” I left, feeling defeated.

I walked aimlessly around for a while. I strolled the boardwalk, grabbed a slice of pizza and went to the arcade. Time flew and soon Colin would be getting off work. Since there was nothing left to do, I decided to wait on our usual bench. I stared out into the ocean, unsure of what to expect from him when I heard the footsteps behind me. As I turned to see him, I saw that he looked uncomfortable for the first time ever. He came toward me slowly, rubbing his hands through his hair, as if he were trying to figure out something.

"Let's walk.” He pulled my hand out of my pocket and held it softly in his. He looked out over to the water several times before he spoke. Other than the noise of the people running around, there was silence between us.

He turned me to face him.

"Abigail, you know how I feel about you, right?” His eyes were desperate.

"I think so.” I was caught off guard, and I didn't expect to hear him blurt that out so fast.

"Ya think so, lass?” he laughed under his breath, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Colin, I told you about Nick, I told you everything."

He held his fingers to my lips to quiet me.

"I thought I could do this, this friend thing, waiting in the wings. I'm not so sure of myself anymore. I don't think I can do this. I guess I thought your bloke would have shown his true colors by now."

I pulled away.

"I want you, Abigail, and only you. I can't even explain it to myself. I just know that I want you in my life.” He paused, as if trying to read my expression. “I know you think you have this great guy, but he's not right for you. It won't last, trust me. You'll just be another notch on his bed post."

"That's not true,” I snapped.

"Don't be so naive. He's just fooling with your head. He only wants one thing from you."

"How do you know?"

"I'm a guy, Abigail. Trust me. He's just trying to get you into bed."

"Well, is that all you want from me, too?"

"No, don't get me wrong. It would be grand, but I can wait."

I wanted to hold him, wrap myself around him as tightly as I could, tell him I wanted him as much as he wanted me. It was my head, not my heart warning me. I closed my eyes briefly before speaking.

"Really, and what do I mean to you? Considering you live halfway around the world, Colin. After the summer, then what? You want me to give you my heart just to take it back with you to Ireland. How fair is that?” I heard myself yelling, as I looked up at him with tears streaming down my face.

He took his hand and gently brushed them away. I turned my head, because I couldn't look at his face. I didn't know what he was thinking. He forced me to look back into his eyes. His expression was heart-rending, as he continued to stare.

"You're right. I can't ask that of you. I was wrong. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't want to hurt you like that. I guess I never really thought about it.” He grabbed my hand, and laced our fingers together. “I would never hurt you, Abigail.” He turned to me, gently kissing my forehead.

I was so confused. “We barely know each other, how can your feelings be so strong already?"

"Abby, I never wanted anyone as much as I want you. Sure, I've been with plenty of women. No one ever meant anything to me. I wasn't even sure if anyone ever would, but here you are."

I still didn't fully grasp what he was getting at. “What do you mean by that?"

"I'm saying that yes, I have been with women before, but I've never been drawn to one in particular, until you. I've never been in love. No one has even come close.” He kissed me again, but this time softly on my lips. “That's what I am saying.” His hands still cradled my face.

"Oh,” was all I could murmur. I was speechless, and I knew he had to be getting tired of my one syllable answers. I turned slightly away, unsure how to handle what he was throwing at me.

He turned my body to face his again, holding my hands firmly.

"I know I want you in my life, if that means friends only, then so be it. It's just, well I can't promise you anything else.” He released his grip and sank down on to the sand.

I knelt down beside him. “So no more waiting in the wings?” I was saddened by my own question, but relieved that he would move on. I did want him more than anything in the world, but I knew it was best to not get involved. My heart had a hard time just dealing with this, let alone have him leave at the end of the summer.

"No, no more waiting. I'm still a man, Abigail. You have to understand."

I cut him off. “I understand, perfectly."

I wanted to feel his lips against mine one last time, but I knew it would be wrong. I couldn't tell him that I wanted him, I wanted to yell it out to the world, but my heart screamed
STOP!
His eyes burned a hole right through me, right through my soul. I felt horrible.

"I gotta go.” I started picking myself up from the sand but he pulled me back down next to him. He placed his hands gently around my face, kissing me one last time.

"Don't go yet, Abigail,” he pleaded. “I'm not ready for you to leave. If this is it, let's just sit here and enjoy each other's company...right?” He wrapped his arms around me. I wasn't sure what happened. I came to tell him how I felt, and I had chickened out. He knew, he understood, and worse yet, he confirmed that he would be going home and we would never see each other again.

I looked back out to the ocean. I started to not even mind him calling me by my full name. It was sincere, and it made me feel like I had known him my whole life. We sat quietly for some time before we decided to walk along the beach. The reflection of the moon bouncing off the water was almost as stunning a picture as his face.

He took my hand, leading me toward the lifeguard stand. The silence as we walked was almost unbearable. I let go of his hand, grabbing onto the weathered white wood. I boosted myself into the stand and onto the hard bench. Once he was seated next to me, I watched him in the moonlight as he looked out toward the ocean.

He turned toward me, I quickly looked away. He reached his hand over, pushing the hair that had fallen onto my shoulders and tucked the loose strands behind my ear. “So,” he said.

I looked over at him, “So."

"You and this bloke, you want to give that guy a chance?"

"Maybe."

He sighed and was silent for a moment.

"What's so grand about him?” he asked.

"I've told you before, I'm not the kind of girl who can date two people. To be quite honest, you scare the hell out of me.” I started to say something else, but he chuckled under his breath, making me lose track of what to say next.

"Whatta ya laughing at?” I asked.

"I'm not laughing at you. Why in the world are you afraid of me?"

My tongue felt tied because I wasn't exactly sure how to answer that, and as if things weren't bad enough—he cupped his hands around my face waiting for an answer.

He said again, “Abigail, why are you afraid of me?"

I closed my eyes and then reopened them. “I'm not afraid of you, the way it came out. I'm afraid because you're leaving at the end of summer. I'm afraid because I have pretty much zero experience with guys, and I'm afraid you'll get bored with me and walk away anyway. I'm afraid...” He cut me off.

"I would never get bored with you."

"You would."

He let go of my face, shaking his head.

"Let's just be friends for now, okay?” I asked.

"Back to the friends thing...fine,” he said.

I turned my body away from his, resting my elbows on the wooden rail of the lifeguard stand watching the waves crashing in.

We sat up in the lifeguard stand all night until the sun started to rise. We were both tired, but neither one of us cared. I needed to figure out what Nick meant to me before anything could go farther, and if my heart could possibly take loving Colin. It would be so easy to love him, but he acknowledged my fears. He knew everything about me—my virginity, my inexperience with boys. I knew being friends wouldn't be so easy for him, but he promised he could handle it. I was just hoping that I could. It took every ounce of power to refrain from jumping him.

The day started as usual, with the sun blaring in through the mini blinds. The only difference was that it wasn't morning, it was already two in the afternoon. I had slept all day. The night's memories came streaming back into my consciousness, stabbing at my heartstrings. Colin was everything I thought love should feel like, and furthermore he was everything I knew I wanted. Why was I making this so difficult? Why was I giving Nick another chance, when he clearly hadn't felt the same about me? I could see Nick was trying to be more appreciative of my innocence status. He'd been a little surprised when I told him. What if he couldn't wait for long? What if he gave up on me? What if I had waited too long to run into Colin's arms? There were too many ‘what ifs.'

I knew I didn't have to figure it all out. Tomorrow was another day and I could worry about it then. I was too exhausted, and I had to get up and get ready for work.

Makenna relaxed on the couch with Anthony, holding hands, watching some reality show. They seemed to enjoy each other. I was glad she had found someone to be with this summer. It seemed so much easier for her.

"Hi guys, how's it going?” I asked.

"Bout time, it's after two. What were you doing last night?” Makenna shot me a meaningful look and a little smile.

"Nothing, just hanging out with some friends from work,” I lied.

I didn't want Anthony to know who I was with. I knew he would run back and tell Nick I was with Colin.

"Is Nick home?” I asked, hoping he would say ‘yes.'

"Think so, I heard the outside shower a little while ago.” He pointed outside.

"Great, gotta run, see you at work.” I grabbed my handbag and ran upstairs.

My heart pounded as I approached the door. He must have heard me coming because the door swung open. Nick pulled me inside.

"Wow, hi to you, too,” I said as he kissed my neck, playfully.

"Please, I'm in my uniform. It's just a T-shirt and jeans,” I commented.

He held me back to get a better look. “It's a great T-shirt."

"Thanks, I just wanted to stop up before I went off to work."

"How about I walk you to work today?” he asked hopefully.

Part of me wanted to say ‘no’ and I couldn't say ‘no’ because I knew Colin would be waiting for me at our usual spot. I made a promise to myself, to try with him one more time.

"I would like that,” I said and kissed him gently on the lips. I grabbed his hand to head downstairs. Maybe I was wrong; maybe he was the right guy for me. I always felt confused with him. There were moments of complete clarity, and moments when I questioned myself. I put it behind me and let him pull me onto his back playfully. He carried me all the way to work.