Down the Shore (13 page)

I glared. “Are you following me?"

He hopped off the bar stool, coming as close to me as our bodies would allow without physically touching. I felt the warmth of his breath.

"Don't stop dancing on my account, love.” He laughed. “Besides, I was enjoying myself and I think a few of the other lads here were as well."

"You didn't answer my question,” I asked again. “Did you follow me?"

He sighed, taking a deep breath, “Fine, if ya must know. Sort of."

I stiffened. “Can I ask why?” I regarded him with curiosity.

A perfect smile registered on his face. “Because I've never in my entire life wanted anything or anyone as much as I want you, but ya already know that.” He grabbed my chin in his hand. “That's why.” His fingers glided up and down my cheek, then found their way to my waist.

My heart nearly leaped out of my chest. I pointed my finger, waving it in his face, “Ugh, this has got to stop.” I turned my back on him.

He grabbed my hand, turned me back to face him and his breathtaking smile reappeared on his face. He picked up my chin again, and placed his lips on mine. I didn't pull away. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the heaven that it felt for the moment. He'd already stopped when I realized my eyes were still closed. He still held my chin in his fingers, laughing softly.

"You can open your eyes now, love,” he grinned, obviously pleased with himself.

I smiled. “I thought you were moving on?” I pushed his hands away from me and turned forcefully back to my friends.

He yelled out, “Sorry. Couldn't help myself."

They, of course, were all sitting there waiting for me to get back to the table to fill them in.

"What the hell was that?” Makenna asked, nearly jumping out of her seat. “Did you kiss him or did he kiss you?"

I shook my head, sighing.

"This is going to be difficult.” I looked at my best friend, “We'll talk later."

He kept his eyes fastened on me the rest of the night, never once retreating. Something in his kiss, his eyes, his smile, spoke to me more than anyone had ever done. The feeling I had when he kissed me was indescribable, like nothing I had ever felt. It was soft when his lips brushed up against mine, it was intoxicating and sweet. It felt like the first kiss a girl should receive. My entire body ached for him.

The drive back was long, or at least it seemed that way to me. The only thing everyone could talk about was the fact that Colin had some kind of weird fantasy about me. I knew he had, but I didn't say a word.

When we got back, Makenna expected a few answers.

"All right, what's going on with Colin?"

"Nothing, really. He has a little thing for me, and I keep telling him no, but I guess he can't accept it."

"Oh. My.God. Abby, when did this happen? Why didn't you tell me? And what about Nick?"

"Nothing is going on between us. I told him all about Nick and we supposedly decided to be friends, but I don't know now. I'm so frigging confused. And that kiss, Jesus! It was incredible."

"Are you sure you want to do this? I mean two guys and all that. Don't get me wrong—Colin is smoking hot, but really, Abby, he's gonna break your heart when he leaves."

"You don't think I know that? That's why I'm not giving in to him. I may be inexperienced, but I'm not dumb,” I told her.

"I never said you were dumb. Just be careful, okay?"

"Absolutely. I'm gonna go find Nick."

"I'm heading to bed. I'm beat. We'll talk more later,” Makenna said, as she headed to her room.

I felt a bit apprehensive as I walked upstairs and knocked on the door, waiting for him to answer. No one came to the door.

I found myself walking toward the beach. It was after midnight and the streets were quiet. A gentle breeze picked up as I made my way closer to the dunes. I smelled the scent of the ocean and the scent from the bay blending in the air. As the wind picked up, I was glad I put on my sweatshirt, glad that I grabbed it going out the door.

There were a few young couples pulling drinks out of their coolers on the beach. I sat far back on the lifeguard stand to try to get a little bit warmer. I stayed for a while, thinking of how different my life had become. It was only a few weeks ago that I was home with my family. Now I had a boyfriend who wanted more than I was willing to give, and a boy whose heart I was breaking. It didn't seem fair. I could see Colin so clearly in my head, his eyes, his neck, his face. I wish he would be staying and not heading back home. Something inside of me wanted more of him, more than I was comfortable even admitting to myself.

Then there was Nick. He tried to be patient. Having him as my boyfriend for the summer made me feel on edge. Like any minute my bubble would burst. I knew I needed to end our relationship, but for some reason I still hung on, while my heart yearned for Colin. It was better this way. I didn't want my heart to break over him. I had to be strong and keep my feelings for Colin under control. Someone like Nick I could easily walk away from.

I knew if I slipped up even once and gave him some hope that it was possible, he would win. I couldn't let that happen. I realized how he felt, his longing for me, his desires, his experienced hands and body. My head told me it had to be friends, and friends only with Colin. If only my heart would listen.

As I headed home, I saw Nick running toward me. I felt happy he'd been looking for me, and that put a smile on my face.

"Hey, where have you been? I was worried,” he said.

"You were worried? Why? I was just sitting on the beach."

"I looked on the beach an hour ago, and I didn't see you.” He had questions in his eyes. “It's late."

"I was in the stand, and you couldn't see me. That's all."

"No problem.” He leaned over and kissed me. When our lips met, he pulled back from my embrace.

"Is everything okay? What's wrong?” I wondered. It wasn't like him to stop.

"You girls have fun tonight dancing?” he asked.

"Yeah, sure, but I missed you,” I said, teasing him.

He took a deep breath.

"It's late. I gotta get to bed, working early tomorrow. Just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He kissed me goodnight, then ran back upstairs.

It was late, but I was surprised at his response. I had to work the lunch shift the next day. I thought of going after him, asking him to stay again, but I didn't feel like staying up much longer, either.

The next day, I kept busy at work, and all day I saw no sign of Colin. I checked the schedule, and saw he'd been assigned to work the dinner rush. I was relieved not to see him. I had thought about his kiss, his words and had to admit they meant more to me than I was willing to let on. I knew that if he figured out how I felt, he would be able to break down the wall that I put up when it came to him. I'd kept everything under control for weeks now, and I couldn't let him know how I really felt. As usual, as my day ended, he waited for me in the same spot, arriving before his shift was supposed to start. I shouldn't have been surprised. I watched him coming toward me, his beautifully curved up smile, his tall, fabulously masculine body.

My entire body started to shake.

"Abigail, how are ya today?” he asked.

I tossed back my hair and bit down on my lip. “Good and you?"

"I'm grand, thanks,” he grinned.

"I'm just finishing my shift, so I gotta go."

I put my head down nervously, turned and walked away as fast as I could toward home. He didn't say another word, just laughed softly as I left.

I looked forward to seeing Nick. Hopefully he would be home and wanting to do something with me.

I ran upstairs, knocking quickly. When he opened the door, I saw he was dressed up, ready to go out. His friends all stood around, playing drinking games. I peered into the apartment over his shoulder.

"Did you want to do something tonight? I'm off,” I asked, excited by the thought of being with him.

"Abby, I kind of have plans already,” he responded.

"Oh, sorry. I should have told you earlier, I guess.” I frowned.

I was always wondering with him; he made me question myself time and time again. “Is everything okay?” I whispered.

"It's fine, Abby...listen, I know you thought we would hang, but do you mind if I go out with the guys tonight?” He paused. “I mean, I would ask you to come along, but you would be the only girl and all.” He glanced around the room, and confirmed his reasoning. It was all guys.

I sighed. “No, it's fine really. Go have fun, maybe when you get back you could stop by,” I said.

"It's gonna be a late one, but leave your door unlocked and I'll sneak in when I get back.” He winked, and kissed me goodbye.

I wasn't sure how I felt about leaving my door unlocked for him, but I wanted to see him later, to feel his arms around me, to make up for the night before.

As the night ended, I walked out to the living room and unlocked the bolt to the front door.

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I felt the soft touch of fingertips caressing my face, his touch. I rolled over willingly to accept his gesture, looking for his face, his lips, but couldn't find them. My eyes fluttered open to find him, but no one was beside me. It had only been a dream. I glanced over to the clock on my nightstand. The clock read two-thirty. He still hadn't come. I lay my head back onto my pillow, disappointed, and let myself drift back to sleep.

I was awakened shortly after when I felt the heat of his breath on my mouth. I knew I wasn't dreaming this time, because the smell of alcohol was overwhelming. He lay on his side, touching me, wanting me. I let Nick kiss me and I felt a desire for him as his lips brushed against mine. He hesitated for a moment trying to get a read on me. As I laced my hands around his neck and pulled him closer to me, I saw Colin's face in my head, not the one kissing me. I stopped abruptly, shaking my head, trying to erase the image of Colin from my memory.

I breathed in deeply. I smelled the cross of beer and a familiar scent that lingered from his clothes. In fact, it was very familiar. I realized in one quick instant it was the scent of another girl's perfume, the same one my mother wore. I could pick it out anywhere.

"What's wrong now, Abby? You're killing me,” he groaned, dropping his head back onto the pillow.

"What's wrong?” I sat up. “Who were you with tonight?” I asked with suspicion in my voice.

"I was with my friends, I told you that. I..."

I didn't let him finish. I got up, slammed the door and walked out into the kitchen, completely frustrated. For some reason, I felt more frustrated with myself than Nick.

He came along right behind me, “Abby, I'm too tired for this shit. What's wrong?” He repeated his question.

"I could smell the perfume, Nick. I'm not dumb, y'know."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm outta here!” He turned and vanished from my sight, stumbling his way upstairs. I could tell I had pushed him too far this time. I was furious with myself. Something inside of me screamed
STOP! Not him
. I didn't know what to think. Was I wrong? How could he do this to me? Then I knew. Of course, he was with someone else, someone more mature, someone not so prudish. I wasn't a fool. I knew he could have anyone he wanted, but he kept coming back to me for more. He wanted to be with me, otherwise why would he bother? Was it a game? Was it challenge? I didn't know the answer, and I didn't even know if he had been unfaithful to me. I assumed everything. After all he hadn't declared us as anything more than what we were. I had declared it only to myself.

I couldn't get back to sleep. I was too angry. I didn't even think. I climbed out of bed, made myself a cup of coffee, then headed for the streets. The sun was just popping up over the bay. I walked blindly, not knowing where my feet were taking me. As I went up on the boardwalk, I approached the bench that I so cutely named
our
bench, for Colin. Only it wasn't our bench anymore. Colin and I were just friends, and he had moved on. I wanted to see him, which is why I probably found myself in the one place that made me think of him the most.

I knew it wasn't fair to want him. I'd made my choice, but I didn't like the fact that my choice made me feel horrible. I questioned myself constantly. This wasn't right, this relationship was all wrong from the beginning. It never felt easy. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe, just maybe, Colin was the one I was meant to be with, not Nick. I knew I was right, but I needed to decide if a summer of fun with Colin would be worth the pain later.

I felt guilty thinking of this scenario. I had already found Nick guilty in my head, but there really was no proof...some perfume and that was it. It may have been innocent, and I blew it completely out of control. For hours I sat on the bench, peering out into the ocean. The lifeguards began to set up their stands and families poured onto the beach, propping up their umbrellas in the sand. Thinking I probably looked a mess, I abruptly peeled myself off the bench and headed home.

Feeling drained, I forced myself to go back to bed because I knew I needed the sleep before work. I wanted to go to the beach to sleep, but I knew Nick would most likely be down there. I didn't want to see him, not now. I was still angry. I was upset that he gave me no reasonable answer to my question, and I was furious that he made me doubt him, and that was enough for me. I didn't want to be one of those girls who sat around waiting for a guy, but here I was lying pathetically around for someone I wasn't even sure about, someone I didn't even want. It made me more and more furious with myself that I felt this way, that I had let this go on. What was wrong with me?

After a few hours of hiding under the covers, I knew I needed to get up. Deciding to go the beach, I pulled on my bathing suit and forced myself to walk the few blocks. I glanced all over, looking for any sign of Nick, but there was none. I felt immediately relieved. I knew I only had an hour to lie out, but I didn't care, I wanted to feel human again. I rubbed the sunblock onto my body, turned my radio on and let the songs take me to another place. I love music, the way the words of a song can make me feel. I love everything, from classical to rap. There is nothing I don't like. My parents were music buffs and always had the radio playing. There was no television allowed during dinner, only music. My brother and I were exposed to so many different genres, we could be listening to Frank Sinatra one minute and The Black-eyed Peas the next. I loved it all. I let the sun warm my face, my hands, my toes, and no thoughts invaded my head. I was completely void of any confusion for a solid hour.