Draw Me In (36 page)

“
I did.
”
I was a freak.

“
Why did you do that?
”

My
pulse picked up speed. It was ringing in my ears.
“
I don
’
t know. But I
’
m not posing. So at least give me
some credit for that.
”

Probably
to avoid more unnecessary licking, Leo chuckled and folded his hands in his
lap. They should be safe there. Relatively.
“
Is this one of those awkward moments
where I make you do weird things?
”

“
To be honest, Leo? I don
’
t know. I
’
m not sure what to do with this. You
left. You came back. You didn
’
t
tell me, and then you show up in my class and I find out that you have cancer
again. I don
’
t
know what to do with all of that. But I know where to go from here. I know I
want to be with you
—
to
fight this with you
—
but
I don
’
t
know how to get past all of that.
”

“
I get that.
”
Feeling like it was safe to touch me
again, Leo reached out for my hands.
“
As
I was saying earlier, I met this girl when I was at the hospital.
”
My palms started to sweat against
his. He didn
’
t
notice, and if he did, he didn
’
t
care.
“
Hers
was stage four. Same kind. But get this. No warning. The doctors never found
anything anywhere on her that would even hint at the fact that she had
melanoma. But there it was, growing inside of her, taking over her organs one
by one. Before she knew it, she had full-blown cancer riddling every inch of
her body. Last Tuesday they told her she has less than three weeks to live.
”

“
That
’
s awful.
”
It was. I couldn
’
t imagine. I didn
’
t want to imagine. Your brain
inherently tried to protect you from those sorts of things, but your soul
allowed you to empathize.
“
I
’
m so sorry.
”

Again,
he laughed, and I figured that,
“
You say it like you had something to
do with it,
”
was replaying in his mind.
“
It
is awful. But you know what
’
s
worse?
”

“
Than having only three weeks to live?
”
Nothing. To me, I doubted anything
was worse than hearing the news that your number had been called. That your
time was up.

“
What
’
s worse? Being alive, but acting like
you
’
re
already dead.
”

Yikes.
I supposed that was the morbid truth. I hadn
’
t thought of things that way. The
glass was half empty and all. I preferred mine half full, preferably with red
wine.

“
Is that what you
’
ve been doing?
”
I asked. Honestly, it didn
’
t seem like Leo had totally given up
on life. The time we had together was alive, like it had its own pulse. If he
was only half living then, I couldn
’
t
wait to see what things were like when he was all in. I couldn
’
t wait to live that life together,
fully charged.

“
So before my mom died, she left me a
letter saying not to let anyone crack me.
”

I
nodded.
“
Yes.
”

“
So maybe I didn
’
t let some
one
crack me, but some
thing
.
”
Leo leaned closer. His breath brushed
across my skin. If it wouldn
’
t
look crazy to lick absolutely nothing, I would
’
ve been tempted to eat up the air
that floated my way the same way you stick out your tongue to catch raindrops
on it. I buttoned my lips tightly together and just listened.
“
Cancer cracked me, Julie. I let it. I
let the statistics guide my perspective and determine my hope.
”

“
I could see how you would do that,
though. Leo, it
’
s
only natural to feel that way. I mean, I guess. I
’
ve never been in your shoes before.
”

“
No,
”
he chuckled, his head dipping down.
He looked back up at me through his dark lashes, his lips hooked at the
corners. Damn, he was sexy. Even when talking about cancer and death. How did
he manage that?
“
You
just like to dump coffee all over them.
”

I
couldn
’
t
help but smile as I remembered that day. It wasn
’
t even that long ago, but everything
about my life and about my future was different now. Sometimes different was
good.

“
I thought we determined I was just
trying to get your clothes off,
”
I snickered, shooting back my own flirtatious grin.

Leo
stilled.
“
And
now that you have, it
’
s
probably more than you bargained for, right?
”
I saw the pain in his eyes as he
adjusted his position and the fabric of his neckline pulled against the
incision that peeked out of it. It was an ugly scar, but not one that marred
his beauty in any way. It seemed silly that people would say beauty was only
skin deep. They had it all wrong. There was nothing wrong in being beautiful.
Beauty came from within and poured out, and Leo was hands down the most
beautiful man I
’
d
ever encountered.

“
Leo, I love you. I hope you know
that.
”
My phone suddenly went into sleep mode and the tracks stopped rolling. It was
quiet, just the muffled honking and bustle from the street below filtering in
through the sealed windows. I
’
d
never said those three words back to him, though it felt like they
’
d been waiting at the edge of my
tongue for so long.
“
The
only thing I bargained on when I met you was that you would be my newest muse,
and you
’
ve
given me so much more than that.
”
With caution, I lifted my finger to trace the incision along his neck. I wasn
’
t sure if it would hurt for me to do
it, but I had to feel him.

At
first Leo cowered with his eyes closed, but then he relaxed under my touch and
let me leave my hand there. I felt the ridges cut apart and then sewn together
against my skin.
“
The
piece I drew of you today? You know what happened when I sketched you?
”

He
shook his head
no
, as if the words
couldn
’
t
make their way out too.

“
It
’
s the first real work I
’
ve created that has ever made me
overwhelmed with emotion.
”
Cupping both hands to his jaw, I pulled him closer to me. He shifted his weight
to move in.
“
You
made me an artist today, Leo. Because now I know what it
’
s like to create something that is an
extension of my soul, the way true artists do.
”
He didn
’
t wait for me to say anything more,
and Leo
’
s
mouth met mine. A sigh of contentment slid past our lips as he leaned back from
me and shook his head in disbelief.
“
You
’
ve become an extension of my heart,
Leo, and mine beats for you now, too. So if you
’
re ever tempted to let your own heart
shut off again, let mine pick up the slack, okay?
”

“
You realize I don
’
t deserve you, right?
”
He bit into his bottom lip. Hell,
that was a turn on. I had to remind myself that he
’
d probably had surgery just a couple
of days ago, and I doubt the doctor had cleared him for the kinds of activities
I had in mind to do. We
’
d
have to take things slow, and honestly, slow was probably just what we needed.
Everything else happened so quickly. I never knew before that giving your heart
away could be such an instantaneous process, like a reflex or instinct. It wasn
’
t like I
’
d even handed mine over to Leo, but
had instead used one of those slingshots of his and catapulted it his
direction. I was just grateful he
’
d
actually caught it, and held onto it, too.

“
No, you probably don
’
t deserve me,
”
I teased.
“
But you don
’
t deserve cancer either, so maybe you
’
re just the king of getting what you
don
’
t
deserve.
”

“
I
’
m the king of getting what I don
’
t deserve and you
’
re the queen of jumping to conclusions.
”
He laughed. He looked young. At ease
somehow. Maybe my words had done that to him, or maybe just finally accepting
life for what it was did that. Let you face your future with a vulnerable
outlook.
“
To
me, it sounds like we
’
re
just two royally confused people.
”

“
Maybe, maybe not.
”
I couldn
’
t give an answer.
“
But I
’
m not confused at all about what I
want to do right now.
”

“
Let me guess.
”
Leo angled his head.
“
Something to do with drawing?
”

“
Something to do with sleeping.
”

“
With me?
”
Some flash of hesitation crossed
over his face. I faltered. That was a good suggestion, but not exactly what I
had in mind.

I
dropped a leg over the futon; toe first like back in Florence. But Leo wasn
’
t looking at my legs this time. He
was looking at my heart. And it was fully his to do whatever he wanted with. My
hand outstretched, upturned and asking for his, I instructed boldly,
“
Come with me.
”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

I
woke up pinned under the weight of Leo
’
s
right arm draped across my chest. But it wasn
’
t a heavy, dead weight. It was light,
cautious. A delicate touch that didn
’
t
want to rouse me from slumber. I was certain he was awake, aware and
intentional in the way his body fit against mine.

Pressing
my hip into the mattress, I twisted to curl into his chest. To my surprise, he
didn
’
t
stir. Leo was completely out. To be able to sleep like that, like floating in a
dream, had to be some sort of miracle. He
’
d
endured a nightmare of weight for so many years, pulling down on his resolve.
That I
’
d
somehow been able to take that from him, even for just one night, was all I
’
d wanted.

We
didn
’
t
do anything other than sleep. Leo let me undress him, lifting his shirt from
his body as though unbandaging a wound, slow and careful. I placed my own
bandages back on, the healing form of my lips on each patch of his skin, my
heart on his heart.

He
cried. Our knees were bent on the mattress, our bodies pressed together
upright, arms coiled around each other like a spring. He hung his head in the
groove of my shoulder and I held him there as he shook. Breath trembling, body
quivering. I took all of it from him, his safe place of release. Raw groans of
despair, the fear and anxiety leaving him in sometimes audible, sometimes
silent sobs of anguish.

He
cried for his mom, I was sure of it. Because this wasn
’
t just a man worried about his
future. He was mourning. A lost, scared boy, all scarred with emotion he wasn
’
t allowed to possess. I
’
m sure everyone told him he had to be
strong. But maybe being strong wasn
’
t
about sheltering yourself from hurt. In putting up a guard to keep the pain
out. Maybe being strong came in healing from those hurts. In allowing the chips
and the cracks to take form, and then patching them back up.

That
’
s what Leo was doing as he cried.
Healing. And I was nursing him back to health.

We
finally collapsed into sleep a few hours later. We
’
d talked once Leo
’
s voice was able to articulate with
words again, and I listened. It was stage four. Not a good outlook, at least
from the doctor
’
s
perspective. But maybe outlooks weren
’
t
based on statistics and figures, but on the hope we allowed ourselves to hold
onto. On the dreams we built our very existence upon.

I
knew within my soul that my life, no matter how long it went on for, would
involve Leo in it. And maybe the time he could offer wasn
’
t long by normal standards. I couldn
’
t be sure. But it would be enough. We
had right now, and that
’
s
all I truly needed. That
’
s
all we were ever really guaranteed.

I
finally had Leo.

My
soul mate.

And
out of all of the drawings I
’
d
scribbled over the years, out of all of the sculptures I
’
d molded and paintings my brush had
feathered across canvases too numerous to count, this was by far my favorite
creation.

Us.
Together. A future full of promise and a life full of hope, because we allowed
ourselves those two things, no matter what the odds protested.