Drunk With Blood (12 page)

Joshua 11.21-22

Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

The Anakim (giants)

We’ve finally made it to the last of God’s killings in Joshua. And although this one is pretty unspectacular, it does involve some giant killing.

If you remember back in
killing 28
, God killed everyone in the “land of the giants.” Here he helps Joshua do it again.

The victims were the Anakim, who are described elsewhere in the Bible (Deuteronomy 1.28, 2.10, 2.21, and 9.2) as “a people great and tall”—which is biblespeak for “giants.”

Joshua ... cut off the Anakims from the mountains, from Hebron, from Debir, from Anab, and from all the mountains of Judah, and from all the mountains of Israel: Joshua destroyed them utterly with their cities. There was none of the Anakims left in the land of the children of Israel. Joshua 11.21-22

Since Joshua utterly destroyed all their cities and no Anakim were left alive, I estimated the number of victims to be 5000.

Judges 1.4

Number Killed: 10,000

Canaanites and the Perizzites

After Joshua died, the Israelites wondered who was going to do their killing for them. So they asked God.

After the death of Joshua …the children of Israel asked the LORD, saying, Who shall go up for us against the Canaanites first, to fight against them? Judges 1.1

Well, at least they asked the right person.

God told them not to worry; he had selected the tribe of Judah to kill the Canaanites and steal their land.

The LORD said, Judah shall go up: behold, I have delivered the land into his hand. 1.2

The first killing was easy, since God delivered them into their hand, killing 10,000 Canaanites and Perizzites.

Judah went up; and the LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand: and they slew of them in Bezek ten thousand men. 1.4

After the Bezek massacre, they captured king Adonibezek and cut off his thumbs and big toes.

But Adonibezek fled; and they pursued after him, and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and his great toes. 1.6

Which I guess was to pay him back for doing the same to seventy other kings. (Adonibezek fed his table scraps to seventy thumbless and big toe-less kings who lived under his dinner table.)

Adonibezek said, Threescore and ten kings, having their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered their meat under my table: as I have done, so God hath requited me. 1.7a

Then they brought Adonibezek to Jerusalem, where he died.

And they brought him to Jerusalem, and there he died. 1.7b

Judges 1.8

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

The people of Jerusalem

This is one of the Bible’s shorter stories, so it’s easy to miss. All the action is packed into one verse.

Now the children of Judah had fought against Jerusalem, and had taken it, and smitten it with the edge of the sword, and set the city on fire. Judges 1.8

This verse doesn’t say that God had anything to do with the massacre, but the context makes it clear that he did. God chose the tribe of Judah to kill the Canaanites and “delivered them into their hand.”

Now after the death of Joshua it came to pass, that the children of Israel asked the LORD, saying, Who shall go up for us against the Canaanites first, to fight against them? And the LORD said, Judah shall go up: behold, I have delivered the land into his hand ... And Judah went up; and the LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand. 1:1-4

So God deserves the credit (or the blame) for the Jerusalem massacre, along with the other killings in Judges 1.

Since this was just an ordinary massacre, I gave 1000 for the number of victims.

Judges 1.10-25

Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

Five cities

This is a hodgepodge of killings from the rest of Judges 1.

After the Jerusalem Massacre (
40
), the “children of Judah” go on a God-assisted smiting spree, wiping out a bunch of kingdoms “with the edge of the sword.”

You can read all about it in Judges 1.10-25, if you really want to.

It’s hard to say how many cities were massacred. But there were at least five: three in Hebron, one in Zephath and Bethel.

Judah went against the Canaanites that dwelt in Hebron … and they slew Sheshai, and Ahiman, and Talmai. Judges 1.10
Judah went with Simeon his brother, and they slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it. 1.17

And they also went up against Bethel: and the LORD was with them. … And the spies saw a man come forth out of the city, and they said unto him, Shew us, we pray thee, the entrance into the city, and we will shew thee mercy. And when he shewed them the entrance into the city, they smote the city with the edge of the sword; but they let go the man and all his family. 1.22-25

And there would have been a lot more if it weren’t for those damned iron chariots. Some things are just too hard, even for God.

The LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. 1.19

(Since five cities were massacred, I gave it the usual 1000 per city for a total of 5000.)

Judges 3.21-22

Number Killed: 1

Eglon

Remember how in his last killing (
42
), God was so angry at the Israelites for worshiping other gods that he sold them as slaves to King Chushy?

Yeah, well, pretty much the same thing happens here, except the names, places, and times change.

The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord.

The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD. Judges 3.12a

God gives or sells them to somebody else (Eglon, the king of Moab, this time around).

The LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel ... So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years. 3.12b-14

The Israelites cried out to God again (“Yahweh!, Yahweh!”).

But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD 3.15a

God raised up a hero for them, a left-handed guy named Ehud.

The LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud … a man lefthanded. 3.15b

Who God sent to deliver a present to Eglon.

And by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab. 3.15c

Ehud’s present to Eglon was a message from God: a knife blade in his belly pushed in so far that “the dirt (feces) came out.”

Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh. And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man ... And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. ... And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. 3.16-22

God has a funny way of communicating, doesn’t he?

Judges 3.29

Moabites

Number Killed: 10,000

After Ehud delivered God’s message to Eglon (a knife blade in the belly), he blew a trumpet to summon all the Israelites.

Ehud … blew a trumpet … and the children of Israel went down with him. Judges 3.26-27

Then he told the people:

Follow after me: for the LORD hath delivered your enemies the Moabites into your hand. 3.28

So they followed Ehud and God helped them kill 10,000 lusty Moabites.

And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all lusty, and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man. 3.29

Kind of boring, I know. But sometimes God runs out of imaginative ways of killing people.

Judges 3.31

Number Killed: 600

Philistines

The entire story takes place in just one verse.

Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad. “And he also delivered Israel.”

Shamgar … slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel. Judges 3.31

The inspired storyteller obviously viewed this mass killing as a glorious, noble, and wonderful thing. To him it is every bit as cool as Ehud’s message from God (
43
).

But I suspect that God not only approved of this killing, he assisted with it. How else could one man kill 600 Philistines with a pointy stick?

Judges 4.15-16

Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

Canaanites

This is just another variation of the same old story. So if you’ve been following along, you can predict what’s going to happen.

The Israelites did evil in the sight of the Lord.

The children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD. Judges 4.1

So God sells them into slavery.

The LORD sold them into the hand of Jabin … the captain of whose host was Sisera. 4.2

The Israelites cry out to the Lord.

The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he had nine hundred chariots of iron. 4.3

God slaughtered the people that he sold the Israelites to.

The LORD discomfited Sisera [the captain of King Jabin’s army], and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword … and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. 4.15-16

This story is more interesting than most, though, because one of the characters is named Barak. (Although Barack Obama’s first name is not derived from this biblical character, believers sometimes like to pretend otherwise.)

Here are the details about Barak.

After Ehud dies, a woman becomes the leader of the Israelites. Her name is Deborah and she is called a prophetess and judge. She sat under a palm tree and everyone “came up to her for judgment.”

Deborah, a prophetess … judged Israel at that time. And she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah … and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment. Judges 4.4-5

One day she summoned Barak and told him to take 10,000 soldiers to fight Sisera.

She sent and called Barak … and said unto him … the LORD God of Israel commanded, saying … take with thee ten thousand men … to … Sisera, the captain of Jabin’s army, with his chariots and his multitude; and I will deliver him into thine hand. 4.6-7

Barak, who was a bit of a chicken shit, said:

If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go. 4.8

Deborah said that she would go with him and that God would deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman.

She said, I will surely go with thee … for the LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. And Deborah arose, and went with Barak. 4.9

So Deborah and Barak go off to fight in God’s holy war. Guess what happens.

The LORD discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword ... and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. 4.15-16

That’s right. God confused Sisera’s army, forcing them to either kill each other or kill themselves. No one survived.

Except Sisera, that is. Somehow he got away. Don’t worry, though. God will take care of him in his next killing.

(Since the Bible doesn’t say how many were killed, I gave it the usual 1000.)