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Letitia my sweet, of course you are a headhunter and sounding the fanfare for your young charges is your job.

But your promotion of those Watford girls surprises me.

Their Blockbuster work beggars description; their IT’S IN THE CAN campaign for 7UP is a self-conscious attempt at fashionability.

Excuse my bluntness, but you risk harm to your credibility by pushing them at the better agencies.

I must hasten away now.

David demands to be dazzled.

Si

	Brett Topowlski – 1/6/00, 4:03pm
to:	Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re:	as I was saying . . .

. . . before I was so rudely interrupted by IT. Me and Vin couldn’t wait for you to get back from banging Lol so we dug through your desk and found your copy of the movie. It makes
Blair Witch
look mega-budget slick but it’s a fucking stonker. Loved the money shot – Horne excelled himself. I nipped to TV and ran off a copy for a couple of mates at Grey. They used to work in Horne’s group at O&M and they’ll be gagging to see it. Don’t mind do you?

	Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 4:32pm
to:	Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re:	bubbly

Come hither and pop open a bottle now. I think you and I should drink to Polyhymnia, my muse. David is besotted with my Coke idea!

	Liam O’Keefe – 1/6/00, 4:37pm
to:	Brett Topowlski
cc:
re:	as I was saying . . .

The more copies the merrier. Hate to think the best bit of film I’ve shot in three years wasn’t going to be enjoyed by a wide and discerning audience. Just back from lunch. That girl’s amazing – what a pedicured size five can do under an overhanging tablecloth doesn’t bear repeating. She’s getting her mate down at the weekend. I’ll give them a guided tour of our great city (I’ll start with my bedroom then). So while you’re stuck on a crappy longhaul to some shit-arse tourist trap, guess what I’ll be doing. Ain’t life a bitch?

	Melinda Sheridan – 1/6/00, 4:40pm
to:	Daniel Westbrooke Vince Douglas Brett Topowlski
cc:
re:	LOVE PPM

Right, dearies, the pre-production meeting for LOVE is at 5:00 and here are a few dos and don’ts from
She Who Has Been There, Done it and Got the T-Shirt.

Dan –
Do
encourage your client to refrain from suggestions apropos film crew when he clearly doesn’t know his grip from his gaffer.
Don’t
let him drag us into the usual endless debate on wardrobe – since all we’re taking are six lamé thongs and nothing else,
I don’t see that particular item on the agenda taxing us for long.
Do
coax him into nodding vigorously and enthusiastically during the “Director’s Interpretation.”
Don’t
allow him to raise his hand to suggest, for instance, a
crane
rather than a
tracking
shot on the opening. Nathan Zapruder believes his own billing as “the most dynamic directing talent in commercials” (
Campaign
passim) and will not take kindly to tips on camera craft from a marketing executive in a badly cut suit.

Brett and Vincent –
Don’t
snigger like schoolboys at the back of the bus when we play the casting tape. We’ve all seen breasts before – maybe not this big nor quite this numerous, but we’ve seen them nevertheless.
Do
keep your hands on the table, where I can keep my eyes on them.
Do
pay attention when the discussion reaches the boring matter of schedules. You have a plane to catch on Saturday, and I’d very much like you to be on it.
Don’t
address the client directly at any time. In fact,
don’t
utter a squeak unless I speak to you first.

Now boys, come show me the professionalism that is the Miller Shanks way. Actually, scrub that. Just BEHAVE YOURSELVES and pray that by the end of our week in the sun we have a correctly exposed film in the can, a fee well earned and a nicely tanned client. Buddha help us, as Pinki the Divine would say.

	Harriet Greenbaum – 1/6/00, 4:42pm
to:	David Crutton Simon Horne
cc:
re:	Mako

I hate to pressurise, but Mako are in tomorrow at 9:30. It is time we made a decision.

To recap, there are two campaigns on the table. We must now decide which to present. My thoughts on the matter? No disrespect, Simon, but he will piss all over us if we push Reeves and Mortimer – he will see it for what it is: Little and Large trying to look trendy.

My money is on Pinki and Liam’s GIVE YOURSELF A LIFT campaign. It is intelligent, witty and absolutely right for this client. I’ve spoken to Pinki and Liam and they can have everything ready in time. All I need now is the go-ahead. What do you say?

	David Crutton – 1/6/00, 4:49pm
to:	Harriet Greenbaum Simon Horne
cc:
re:	Horne 0, Greenbaum 1

The final word: present LIFT, bin R&M. Simon, let the fact that I like your new Coke idea salve your wounds.

	[email protected] 1/6/00 – 4:52pm
to:	debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk
cc:
re:	pack your bags

Oh my! Just done a major number on my boy, Liam. I did the under-the-table foot thing as I told him my best mate Debbie was in London at the weekend and would he like to come and join us (or rather, join us and
come
). He exploded in his khakis, poor lad. So it looks like your weekend’s booked. Train leaves Piccadilly at six tomorrow night. Meet you at Euston. Before you get mad, we’ll have a laugh. Liam’s cute and he loves you already – told him you looked just like Demi, only bigger. Go on, girl, don’t let me down. Gotta go. Boss is screaming – can’t find his TV remote. The psycho bastard will give himself a heart attack. I’ll undo another button before I go in and help it along. Get straight back about the weekend. Can’t wait – Lolx

	Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 4:53pm
to:	Melinda Sheridan
cc:
re:	LOVE PPM