Authors: Matt Beaumont

e (56 page)

BOOK: e

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Lobster supper? I wish, my darling. I have spent my entire evening in the company of a club sandwich and a telephone, trying to sort out a casting call of local talent. Yes, we have lost another of our busty angels – this time to sunstroke despite repeated exhortations to keep her overpaid flesh in the shade. Anyway, it would appear that the bra size on this island stops at 34A. I am
so
at the end of my tether, I
would seriously consider fishing my own tired bosoms from their cups if I thought it might help. After forty-five calls (I’ve been counting) I’ve rounded up nine girls. We will see them in the morning and I will go to bed praying that there are at least two whom the maestro Zapruder feels the camera will love.

It would be fine if this were my only problem. It isn’t. The crew arrives tomorrow and because Simon (who incidentally has not shown his face since we touched down) made me change the hotel booking so late in the day there’s been the inevitable cock up. Whichever way I turn my calculator, thirty-two people into thirteen rooms do not go. Now I must turn my attention to finding another hotel for the overflow.

But do you want to hear all this? Of course not. 750k sounds quite adequate for our needs on Mako – enough, for once, for full agency mark-up and a bit left over for lunch. I’ve looked at your timings and it’s a bit tight. But a little magic from Melinda and we should squeeze it all in. I’ll look forward to shooting those with you if I ever get out of here. Oh, well, onwards and downwards.

	[email protected] 1/10/00, 7:02pm (11:02pm local)
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	I NEED YOU!

I despair of ever hearing from you again.

Have you any idea at all how isolated I feel out here?

	[email protected] 1/10/00, 8:33pm (12:33am local)
to:	[email protected]
cc:	[email protected] [email protected]
re:	Coke

I have taken some time out from preparations for the shoot to review the work you sent me, Pinki.

I would have preferred to speak to you on the phone.

It appears, however, that you left early. I did not realise that running my department would require so little of your time.

I commend you on managing so efficiently.

Here is what I think of the Coke work. It is wrong in a number of respects and I believe you haven’t quite got a handle on my idea.

Allow me to be specific:

TV
: You have committed the cardinal sin of beverage advertising by omitting the product-pouring shot from my scripts. For forty years no soft drink commercial has succeeded without a close-up of the fizzy goods cascading over copious rocks of clinking ice. Reinstate this immediately.

As for your new scripts, it is hard to put my finger on why they are not working. They just do not cut it with me. Work on this.

POSTERS
: Dull, dull, dull. Do some more.

RADIO
: I do not understand these scripts at all. What is
South Park
, who is Cartman, and why on earth does the Kenny character die at the end of each script? Have you never heard of continuity? I suggest a return to the drawing board.

I think you still have much to do.

I recommend a few late nights.

I think it would also do you a favour if you were to pin my core idea up on your wall and measure all your future efforts against it.

I am sorry to be so tough on you, but if it makes you realise that this job is not the breeze you imagined, then you will have learnt a hard but valuable lesson.

	[email protected] 1/10/00, 8:45pm
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	Coke

Just read your e – ta. I hadn’t gone home. I was with Harriet brainstorming a structure for the presentation. David wants me to see him now to go through your comments in detail. I’ll get back to you . . .

	[email protected] 1/10/00, 9:17pm
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	Coke

I have just discussed your thoughts with Harriet and Pinki. They wanted to take some of them on board, but I overrode them. Do you want to know why? I happen to think that Pinki and her colleagues have turned your idea into a gem. For instance, the product-pouring shots have gone precisely because we don’t want this to resemble every soft-drink ad of the last forty years. The campaign is immeasurably better as a result.

By the way, my mother-in-law has heard of
South Park.
She’s seventy-five, has cataracts and spends most of her time playing rummy. You should spend some time with her. You might learn something about popular culture.

	[email protected] 1/10/00, 9:24pm (1:24am local)
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	Pinki

I know that e-mail is down tomorrow, but on Wednesday morning I expect a full report on Pinki’s every movement to be on my screen. Do not forget where your loyalties lie.