E for England (24 page)

‘As a last resort. Think it through, Hugh. What exactly would you be offering? Would you share childminding, school pick-ups, babysit them when I want to go out? Be responsible for them?' She leaned on
responsible.

He didn't reply. Couldn't, of course, because he hadn't thought of anything. He thought offering a roof was enough. He wasn't a parent. He carefully wasn't suggesting they share more than a roof, either. She forged on, ‘Because that's what their father will do and unless you can top that just…be quiet.'

Hugh stared at her, jaw clenched.

Annie ignored his momentarily hurt feelings, his upset at having his suggestion so roundly dismissed. She had to hammer this home while she had the chance. Make him understand how insensitive he was being. ‘I'm a woman with two children, you're a man who doesn't want the responsibility of children. I'd rather not start in on something that would lead nowhere.' Might as well give him a hint of how she really felt, make him see exactly why she had to say no. ‘Something that would be for me…ultimately…heartbreaking. I've had enough of that. Why would I deliberately put myself in that position with a man who…'

She stopped, unable to say it, incapable of baldly stating the fact she could fall in love with him — would fall in love with him if they shared a house.

‘But Annie, you're setting yourself up for exactly that all over again.'

She turned her head as a tear crept onto her lid. He wasn't listening properly, he'd gone along the same old track and missed her point completely, the dense idiot.

The door burst open. ‘Hi, we're back.' Leonie and James charged in laden with carry bags. ‘Rice ready?'

‘Yes.' Annie took the colander from the cupboard and strained the rice.

‘It's really foul out there,' said James. ‘Good night for staying in.'

Thank goodness they were both so absorbed in each other the black haze of tension went unnoticed.

‘Where's my wine?' Leonie said.

‘Where you left it.' Hugh went to the living room and collected the wine glasses.

‘Haven't finished the bottle, have you?' asked James.

‘No.' Hugh poured him a glass.

Annie collected plates, chopsticks and serving spoons and set the table while Leonie unpacked the food. ‘Sit down. Let's eat.'

‘Wow, Leonie you're a whizz with chopsticks,' said James. ‘I'm hopeless.'

‘You either learn or starve in Asia,' she said. ‘Hold them like this.'

Annie concentrated on serving herself rice while Leonie and James laughed and played about with his chopsticks. She passed the spoon to Hugh. He took it with a muttered, ‘Thanks.'

‘You two are very quiet,' said Leonie.

‘We're eating,' said Hugh.

Leonie caught Annie's eye but Annie refused to play and said, ‘This Mongolian Lamb is really good.' No way was she opening that can of worms and have both of them at her again. She'd had enough.

‘James will take me to the airport on Sunday,' Leonie said.

‘Okay. That'll be good if Mattie is still sick.'

‘I could come up and mind him,' Hugh said.

‘What if you were called in to the hospital?' Annie flung him a quick glance. What was that in aid of? Trying to show he wasn't anti-child?

‘I won't be. I was on call yesterday.'

‘No need.' James helped himself to a massive serve of chilli beef and vegetables. ‘I'm taking her.'

‘Where are you up to with the packing?' asked Annie.

‘I've booked the movers for when I come back, so at least I've made a start. I'll leave these boxes in my room. I should be able to clear my books and CDs tomorrow and I'll take another suitcase of clothes with me.'

‘Do you have somewhere to live in Tokyo?' asked Hugh.

‘Not yet. I'm staying with someone from work until I can find a place.'

‘So I should really move out at the same time, shouldn't I?' said Annie. ‘It'd be easiest for you if this place was empty.'

Hugh ate studiously but waves of disapproval emanated from his body in a radioactive cloud. Too bad.

‘No, it will just sit here empty for a few weeks otherwise.'

Annie chewed a piece of beef slowly. She'd have to get Kevin onto the househunt with her as soon as possible otherwise Hugh would be pestering her about her decision, and she really didn't want to think about any of it anymore.

Annie phoned Kevin that night, after Hugh had left and James was with Leonie, sitting close together on the couch, wishing they were alone. James clearly was, anyway. It was hard to judge from Leonie's expression what she was thinking.

Floss was fast asleep but Annie took her phone to the bathroom just in case. She peeped in at Mattie and he too was asleep. His breathing rasped softly but his forehead felt cool to the touch. If he stayed in bed tomorrow he might not get worse. Fingers crossed.

She closed the bathroom door and sat on the side of the bath to dial.

‘It's Annie.'

‘Hi.' Music in the background. Sounded like Kylie Minogue. Did Kevin like Kylie Minogue? Not that she remembered.

‘Kevin, I think we should look for a house as soon as possible. Leonie is moving soon and I want to leave here when she does.'

‘Hang on.' Something rustled and scraped in her ear, as though he'd put his hand over the receiver. ‘I'll have a look online and let you know tomorrow. How are the kids?' The music had faded to a murmur but voices sounded in the background. He had company or was visiting.

‘Mattie has the flu and Floss has a cold.'

‘They're sick? Why didn't you tell me?'

The sheer idiocy of the question made her gasp. ‘You're kidding, of course.' Whose benefit was that for? His guests? Trying to act like the concerned father dealing with a stroppy, difficult bitch of a wife.

His voice hardened. ‘No, I'm not kidding!'

‘Do you know how many times they were sick while you weren't here?' she hissed. ‘Didn't bother you then, did it?'

‘That's beside the point. I'm here now and I'm their father. I have a right to know.' Definitely had an audience at the other end.

‘If one of them develops a life threatening disease I'll tell you. Happy?'

‘Are you going to be like this when we move back in together, Annie?'

She dragged in a deep lungful of air and exhaled it slowly before she replied. ‘I have to stay home with them this weekend. Can you do a preliminary house check? If you find something decent let me know and I'll have a look.'

‘Fine. Is that all? I'm at a dinner party.'

‘Yes. Goodnight.'

He disconnected.

Annie sat for a long time. What was she doing moving in with him? They'd fight and just as Hugh said, the kids would suffer. They'd picked at each other before he moved out.

But moving in together wouldn't mess up the divorce. She'd checked with one of the lawyers at work. A no-fault divorce. They could live in the same house and as long as they could prove they weren't living as a couple it was fine. That wouldn't be hard to prove, given Kevin's recent declaration.

They had two weeks to go for the year to be up. The year and a day to be accurate. She had the forms filled out ready to lodge — a joint application. Thank goodness he'd agreed to that. If they kept their lives separate except for the children maybe it would work. And she could re-enrol in the MBA course. The cut-off for second semester was fast approaching.

Eventually her bottom began to complain about the hard chill of the bathtub and she stood up.

What would Hugh be thinking about her statement of the facts as she saw them? She'd as good as told him he could break her heart. He hadn't had a chance to reply. He may never reply. He may not have understood.

‘There's a house in Woollahra that looks okay,' Kevin said the next morning. ‘The agent can meet us there at six thirty this evening. Can you make it?'

‘I've had the day off work. Mattie's still sick so I'll have to get someone to mind them. I'll let you know if I can't make it.'

He read out the address. ‘See you there.'

‘Kevin, I want to finish my MBA but I need to enrol soon for second semester.'

‘So? What are you asking?'

‘I want to know I can rely on you to mind the kids when I have lectures. I want to know I won't have to pull out again because I can't afford to pay the fees because you've done another bunk.'

He sighed, a vast, deep sigh of resignation and tolerance at her hysterical overreaction. ‘You have my word.'

‘Thank you.' For what it was worth.

Annie put the phone down. Maybe Hugh or James could pop up for an hour. Luckily Floss was fine and headed off to school this morning, the pick-up and after school drop-off courtesy of her friend Sarah's mother.

She recommenced cleaning the bathroom. One thing about staying home, she couldn't avoid the housework. When this was done she'd get straight onto the uni website and sign up for next semester. All that study on top of her job would keep her away from Kevin in their new house. There'd be no time for socialising, or pretending to, with him and his buddies.

Housing was hard to come by, especially in this area. If they missed out it might be a while before something else turned up. Kevin knew what was required. They'd lived together for long enough and did have similar views on such things.

Lived together. Living together. Annie's rubber gloved hand froze over the taps. A wave of nausea swirled through her stomach and she sat down on the edge of the bath. She didn't want to live with Kevin. Theoretically it was a good solution, but as the reality came closer, it was horrifying.

But she still had the same problem. In a month she and the kids would have to find somewhere else to live and the sort of house she wanted was beyond her means. Share with someone, Leonie said. Looked like she'd have to, or cram them all into a two bedroom apartment. They'd survive. Kevin could have plenty of access, the kids would cope. The MBA could wait. Annie sighed and stood up. She stripped off the gloves and packed away the cleaning gear. Time to do some househunting of her own.

First there was a phone call to make.

Kevin was furious. ‘What the hell? What do you think you're doing, Annie? Where are you going to take my children to live? Some squalid dump of a place with no room to move?'

‘You walked out on
us
Kevin. Don't you dare question my ability to care for my children.'

‘
Our
children. It's because I'm gay, isn't it, Annie? Admit it. You're worried about exposing the kids to my gay friends.'

‘Don't be ridiculous. It's nothing to do with that at all; you know that's not true and it's offensive you would say so. This is to do with me and what I want. Not you. I can't live with you again. I just can't. I thought I could for the kid's sake but…'

‘Bloody hell, Annie. Make up your mind. And make sure you explain it to Mattie and Floss. This is your decision, not mine.' He hung up.

Great.

But as she headed to the kitchen for a steadying cup of tea to accompany her search for accommodation, it felt as though a weight had lifted from her shoulders. She didn't need a man to rescue her, she could rescue herself. She wasn't weak and helpless. Both Leonie and Hugh said she was strong and capable. She was.

Mattie and Floss would be terribly upset. Kevin had taken them out a few times since the picnic day and they'd come home glowing with happiness. Fishing was his new enthusiasm, apparently.

She opened her laptop, found the housing site and typed in her requirements. Good Lord! The results were even more dismal than when she'd looked before. She'd either have to up the proportion of wages she was prepared to give for rent or move a long way further out, away from her job and away from school. She couldn't count on Kevin to help out, not now.

Had she been hasty? Should she reconsider? Time was running out and she had to tell the kids they wouldn't be living with Daddy after all. That wouldn't be pretty and this time it would be her fault. The three of them would be living in a small apartment, miles from school and work and she'd be dealing with ongoing simmering resentment. And broke. They still hadn't got around to replacing the car, so she'd have that oil leak disaster waiting to happen there as well. He had her over the proverbial barrel.

Annie rested her head in her hands and groaned. And she still wanted to finish her MBA. Maybe they could give it a go until she graduated. It might work — if they both tried really, really hard. Her stomach ached.

The phone rang later in the afternoon. Kevin again. She had to answer it.

‘I'm sorry I hung up on you,' he said before she could say anything beyond hello.

‘I'm sorry, too.' Annie hesitated for a split second then ploughed on. ‘I've been thinking — maybe we could try sharing for a while and see if it works. But we have to set rules, Kevin. We share the care and costs of the kids and split the rent, etcetera, but apart from that our lives are separate. We don't comment on or judge each other's actions. And we certainly don't use the kids as leverage or bitch about each other to them. Okay?'

‘Fine, Annie. I'm sure we can make it work. I haven't cancelled the agent for this evening. Can you make it?'

‘I'll try. I need to find someone to mind them.'

‘I have a friend who could come over if you get stuck.'

‘Who?'

‘Edward. The kids have met him a few times. They get on well together.'

‘Why didn't they mention him? Did you tell them not to?'

‘I thought it was probably best you didn't know.'

‘Why on earth would you think that?' That man! She inhaled and stared out at the trees across the street as she chose her words, let the air out slowly. ‘We have to trust each other, don't you get it? I don't want them having to keep secrets from me. It's not fair on them.'