e Squared (3 page)

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry, Caroline Zitter

Sent: 25 December 2008, 14.44

Subject: 2009

 

I trust you're both having excellent Christmas days. I know I am. There's nothing better for one's concentration than a deserted office in a deserted West End. That being the case, I decided to come in to gather my thoughts on the year ahead.

 

There is no doubt that Meerkat360 is an exciting young company. The two of you have pooled your considerable talents to found a visionary agency, fully tooled up to provide highly creative, Web 2.0-enabled marketing services.

 

I sense your continued resistance to my appointment, but as owners of 75% of your venture, Aspire Invest has a right to protect its stake in any way it sees fit. In their wisdom, they see me as that protection. Boring as it must seem, we need to focus on the bottom line. If we don‘t, come Christmas '09, Meerkat360 will be but an entry on our respective CVs. It is that serious. Dazzled as your backers are by your creativity, Aspire is in the business of profit, not arts subsidy, and they
will
pull the plug. We are in the worst recession in living memory and they will not suffer financial runts. There is genuine hope. We have a solid base upon which to build. Our existing clients signed up because of your credentials as box-free thinkers. Unfortunately, to date, not one of these accounts has been run at a profit. We must turn this situation around.

 

To this end, the winning of Esmée Éloge marks a new dawn. This is an A-list cosmetics brand and I intend to take a hands-on approach with this client, thus demonstrating the meaning of profit-oriented account management.

 

Also, early in the New Year, I hope to be able to reveal the identity of another new client, one with a marketing budget that closely resembles a bottomless pit. If I succeed in signing them up, our problems will ease considerably.

 

In the meantime, may I suggest that you consider some simple New Year's resolutions that will assist the move into credit?

 

Caroline, as the partner responsible for strategic thinking, perhaps you can illuminate me on the stratagem behind Primordial Ooze Therapy. Call me old-fashioned, but I question the wisdom of taking ten key employees to Iceland to wallow in mud during a period of global financial meltdown.

 

And, Ted, far be it from me to fathom the creative mind, but I do wonder at some of your appointments. Does the Creative Department really need a hairdresser? Since I see no legal way of passing on the cost of highlights and pageboy bobs to our clients, I recommend you stick to hiring designers, art directors and writers who can produce billable items of work.

 

Finally, I must put my foot down. The completion of the office refurb (which, I feel obliged to remind you, was commissioned before my arrival) will mark the start of a moratorium on cap ex. Until we have turned the financial corner, such items as pinball tables and sensory-deprivation think tanks are luxuries we can ill afford.

 

I apologize for my bluntness, but I would be doing both you and Aspire Invest a disservice if I failed to speak as I found. And if we're honest with one another, we can turn this around: 2009 is a new year—Year Zero, in fact.

 

For now, a happy Christmas to you both.

PS: One other change I would like to institute in January is a transition to more conventional job titles.

 

From:
Caroline Zitter

To: David Crutton

Sent: 25 December 2008, 14.45

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am attending the Jesus: The Original Sales Wiz seminar in Bethlehem. I will return on Monday 5th January.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 25 December 2008, 14.59

Subject: Re: 2009

 

I'm having a smashing Christmas, thanks, big dude. Testing the reach of my iPhone on the foothills of Aconcagua! Christmas dinner here means a can of chickpeas and a few gasps on the oxygen cylinder.

 

I take exception to the hairdresser jibe. Kirsten has made a significant contribution to my department's output. The human brain is an amazing organ and there's strong anecdotal evidence that if you wrap it in a cutting-edge barnet, its left-side performance is enhanced significantly. It's no coincidence that during his most fertile period, Bowie sported some of the wackiest hairdos in pop history. As soon as he got the bank-clerk cut in the 80s he went right off the boil.

 

Fair play on the other thing though. Caroline's solution to every problem is a self-awareness awayday.

 

So who's this new super-rich client? Do tell. Don't worry about me blabbing. I've only got a monosyllabic Argie Sherpa and some stray llamas for company.

 

Gotta go. Paco tells me Trevor Beattie has broken camp at 4000 meters. If that cunt beats me to the top of this motherfucker, I'll never be able to show my face in Shoreditch House again.

Sent from my iPhone

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 25 December 2008, 15.17

Subject: Christmas dinner

 

Tamara, Noah and I have gone to your sister's. Your turkey's on the ceiling.

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 5 January 2009, 08.58

Subject:

 

Switch that fucking iPod off, get your arse in here and push down the plunger on my French press. Every time I try, it sends up a scalding jet of coffee. And would you mind disposing of the tinsel vomit around your workstation? In case you haven't got there yet, it's January.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.00

Subject: It's not bloody Christmas anymore ...

 

... so is anyone going to take down the tree in reception? It's dropping needles like a bastard, and isn't it bad luck for it still to be up?

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.04

Subject: help

 

yo sooz get in here do me e cant type frostbite a fucker

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.05

Subject: Re: help

 

Be right in, sweetz. Just preparing your hot poultice. (Is Ilama poo microwavable?!)

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: All Staff

Sent: 5 January 2009, 09.15

Subject: New Face

 

Welcome back to the glamour factory, guys. And now you're here, say hello to a new boy. He's called Yossi and he joins us as our in-house musician. He's a lovely bloke, full of energy, enthusiasm and top tunes. I'm sure he'll be a massive asset to the Creative Department.

 

Click below to see his online CV.