e Squared (8 page)

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.00

Subject: It's me or the tree

 

If it hasn't gone by lunchtime, I'm out of here. And believe me, the tree won't be as good as I am at keeping clients plied with coffee until you lot are ready to get off your lazy arses to collect them. Do I make my point?

 

From:
Harry Frisby

To: All Staff

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.01

Subject: Interns for hire

 

I have five excellent interns available. They're fast learners, adaptable and used to getting hands dirty. Available singly or as job lot.

Harry Frisby

Senior Account Director

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.03

Subject: Fat Harry

 

Has he brought his kids in again?

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.05

Subject: Re: Fat Harry

 

Looks like it. Heard he sent them to summer camp in China. What was that all about?

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.06

Subject: Re: Fat Harry

 

Had them working in an iPod sweatshop in Guangzhou. Their small hands were much prized on the nano production line.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.16

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

Sorry about the delay in replying. Been shooting a swimwear ad in Bahrain. If you're picturing
Penthouse
Pets in next to nowt, don't. It was impossible to tell if the model was hot because she was wearing a burkini—a cross between a deep-sea diver's wet-suit and a Tesco carrier bag. It offers no advantages whatsoever to either wearer or voyeur, but it does keep Allah sweet and that's the main thing, isn't it? Vince nearly caused a diplomatic incident. His “Can't we get some ice cubes on those nips, Abdul?” didn't go down at all well with the Arab crew.

 

I haven't told him about the Marriage of Susi yet. I'm going to have to pick my moment with that one. Not that he still holds a torch for her, but he won't be pleased that his baby Bubbles has a new
Papa.
You know what he's like about the French.

 

And the Arabs. When we joined, we got the standard Miller Shanks letter about the need to show “cultural sensitivity.” Vince reckons that cuts both ways and when the Dubai police start showing sensitivity toward his need to throw up outside the Grand Hyatt after half a dozen banana daiquiris, he'll return the favor. It's a full-time job keeping him out of mischief. I'm afraid that I'll nod off for a moment and wake up to find him with his head on a block and some swarthy fucker poised over him with a scimitar.

 

Sorry to hear things aren't too bright in Blighty. Vince and I had an interview with Berry when he was at Fallon. He spent the time taking us through a laptop slide show of his assault on K2. Vince reminded him that Beattie had scaled it via the trickier North Ridge the year before. That might have been why we never got the job. Alternatively, Berry might just have thought we were crap.

 

I'll say ta-ta now. We've got a junk-food campaign to knock on the head. Hot dogs. They love them out here. And I thought it was all sheep's eyeballs. Later we're going for a dip in the Beckhams' pool. No, they're not there. Becks is still selflessly showing the idiot Yanks how to play soccer, but we made friends with their gardener and he lets us in through the back gate. Vince is under orders: however much he (bizarrely and probably uniquely) lusts after Posh, he's not allowed to jiz in the jacuzzi.

PS: How's Lorraine? You didn't mention her.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.35

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

You're right, I didn't mention her.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.36

Subject: Sorry. Again

 

Are you talking to me yet?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.39

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

I'm emailing you. Not quite same as talking, but as close as we get these days.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.43

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Jan, if I could have done anything to avoid Rotterdam, I would have—you know my feelings on the Dutch. But account management here is such a shambles that I had no choice. I'm sorry.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.46

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

You never have a choice, do you? With every family crisis you magically have an “urgent appointment” to flog a rickety concept to a gullible client. Yesterday I had to deal with Noah's eyebrow trauma, declare war on Tam over her tattoo and delegate a court appearance to Corinne Tate Tait, who'll only use it to make me look slack at the next partners' meeting. What do I get for my troubles? A bottle of Coco from duty-free. Very nice, except it was half empty. A sampler you snatched from the spray monkey's hand on the dash through departures?

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.49

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

Have I touched a raw nerve? Mind if I poke at it some more with a salted cocktail stick by asking what's going on?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.53

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

I'd sooner not talk about it.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.54

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

I will make it up to you, I promise. I'll start by leaving tonight at 5.25. We do have to talk. About us, of course, but about Tam as well. I found something in the bathroom wastebasket when I was shaving this morning.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.56

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

What was it? A home-piercing kit?

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 09.57

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

Soz, mate. Know when to leave well alone. I'll shut the fuck up now.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.00

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

God, you just don't know when to leave it, do you? I'll tell you, but after this not another word. OK?

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.01

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

OK.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.08

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

She left me. On Christmas Eve. With a 10 Ib turkey half defrosted. She went up to Manchester to see her folks, but I know she's back in London now because she started her new job on Monday. Most of her stuff is still at mine. Don't know what to do with it. Stuff it in bin bags and leave it on the pavement? Heap it up in the living room and weep over it?

 

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking:
what the fuck has he gone and done now?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.09

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Not something I particularly want to discuss in an e-mail.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.10

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Why not? It's never stopped you before.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.13

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

OK, I'll tell you. It was a pregnancy tester and it was positive.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.14

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

You're right. What the fuck have you gone and done now?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.19

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

Nothing, I swear. I'd been completely good since the thing with the thing. I didn't even go to the office party this year because she had tonsillitis and I stayed home to look after her. OK, I also didn't go because I'd reached the conclusion that, unless you're twenty-three and are therefore stupid, office parties are crap (especially since the smoking ban). But it was mostly because of her tonsils.

 

Why did she do it? I've grown up, settled down, matured, done all the things you're supposed to do.
Why, why, why?

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.21

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

Have you tried asking her?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.22

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

Her mobile's dead. Must have a new one. Obviously doesn't want to talk to me.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.26

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

Vince thinks you should go to where she works and tip a bucket of sheep's blood on her workstation (something he saw on the Al Jazeera version of
Springer).
There might be something in it. Not the blood. The going-to-where-she-works bit. You know, just to talk to her.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.29

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

That'd make me look desperate.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.31

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

Hate to be the one to point this out, but you are desperate.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.35

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

Confession: I went yesterday morning. She works at Endemol so I had to schlep to Shepherd's Bush. Couldn't bring myself to go in. I just lurked on the pavement. Eventually a receptionist came out and said if I was there to audition for Big Brother 10, I should pop a video in the post. See? I obviously looked desperate.

 

Don't want to talk about this anymore. What's the weather like with you?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.36

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Is that it? Our fifteen-year-old daughter is pregnant and you've got nothing to say?

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.38

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head

 

What the fuck do you think it's like? It's fucking hot and fucking sunny. Look, you have to do something. I won't mention it again, I promise, but you and Lorraine have been together eight years and you've been through a lot (well, she's been through a lot) and you can't leave it without an explanation. Vince agrees. He says you need to achieve closure. Something else he picked up on
Springer
AI Jazeera-style. I suspect his and Jamal Springer's take on closure involves a public stoning, but I trust you to take a less confrontational approach.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.43

Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head