e Squared (11 page)

 

From:
Donald Gold

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 7 January 2009, 14.09

Subject: the nightmare continues

 

Does David really expect me to fly to Rio? Does he know how many disasters there've been at Brazilian airports? It's like the Battle of Britain over there. I'm going to have to resign, aren't I?

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Donald Gold

Sent: 7 January 2009, 14.16

Subject: Re: the nightmare continues

 

No you're not. Just Googled “fear of flying.” There are dozens of courses that cure it. You can sign up for one this weekend and be looping the loop on Monday. Want me to check out times and prices?

 

By the way, what's Expo OLAD 09?

 

From:
Donald Gold

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 7 January 2009, 14.19

Subject: Re: the nightmare continues

 

OLAD is the Organization of Laboratory Animal Distributors. Esmée Éloge goes to the Expo to bulk-buy critters for mascara tests. It was held in Shanghai last year. They came back with a container ship of kittens.

 

Yes, book me onto a course. I've got to do something because the way I feel right now I'd rather be one of those kittens.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 14.21

Subject: afternoon schedule

 

That's a no, then?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.08

Subject: Re: runners ‘n' riders

 

Why talk to Lorraine when I have both a youthful new haircut (actually, the usual no. 2) and a date with the provider of said do? As well as being a gifted stylist, she's a fully qualified beauty therapist. She's going to give me a lower back massage. Shall I get her to wax my bum crack while she's down there?

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.31

Subject: unreal!

 

Just got back to an absolutely hideous e-mail from DC. Does he have Tourette's? And I bumped into Dotty in the kitchen. She said he chucked his French press at the wall. The man is totally insane. Was he this bad at Miller Shanks?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.36

Subject: Re: unreal!

 

OMG, he was ten times worse. I think he must have been in therapy because he used to fire people for fun. Rumor was that when he found out he couldn't fire an intern because she was going back to uni the next day, he chucked her down the lift shaft. Don't know if it was true, but there was a dreadful smell for weeks.

 

 

BTW, thanks for taking me out. Retail therapy so works! I love my Daphne from
Scooby-Doo
dress. And those white loafers are so you!! Sx

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.38

Subject: Re: unreal!

 

Don't you think they make me look a bit gay?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.39

Subject: Re: unreal!

 

Don't be a sausage. Only a real man could carry off white shoes with Prince of Wales check trousers and a salmon-pink cardie. Trust me, I'm a Gaultier!

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.48

Subject: Re: runners ‘n' riders

 

Great idea. I'm sure the reason Lorraine dumped you was your anal hirsuteness. In case you're completely stupid, I'M BEING IRONIC. Cancel the hairdresser, go see Lorraine. She was the best thing that ever happened to you and if you let her walk away, you're more insane than Vince (who as I write is turning a hot dog pack shot into a big spurty cock. He's been a terror since he mastered Photoshop. Life was much safer when he just had his coloring-in book). I'll check in tomorrow, by which time you will have talked to Lorraine. DO NOT LET ME DOWN.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.53

Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge Contact Report

 

Already got some great ideas for the Maggie bottle. We're looking into casting it in pig iron. Might be a weight issue, but I'm sure we can overcome it with a premium price. And how about getting Armitage Shanks to produce a limited-edition porcelain bottle for George Michael?

 

Any news on this Big Client you cock-teased me with over Christmas?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 7 January 2009, 15.59

Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge Contact Report

 

Might have something before the end of the week. I'd love to tell your partner too, but is she ever here? It's just one bullshit seminar after another with her.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.07

Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge Contact Report

 

Caz does love her courses. Frustrating at times, but she gets some serious networking done at them. Kwik Fit and Trebor both signed up with us after they met her at Sex Sells: What Lap Dancers Can Teach Us About Marketing.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.12

Subject: Can't believe I'm still here ...

 

... because the tree hasn't moved a fucking inch. I swear that if someone doesn't do something soon, the next client that walks in here will get it up his backside.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.15

Subject: reception

 

Am I right in thinking that the foul-mouthed receptionist reports to you? Do you think she's the ideal face of Meerkat360? I suggest you begin the process of finding someone a little more decorous. And pretty.

 

She does have a point about the Christmas tree though. It's a fucking eyesore. Please see that it's removed.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.19

Subject: Esmée Éloge

 

Ted would like to know if there's any chance of you showing him the Winter Sun recall ad before end of play. You have had the brief since Monday.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.20

Subject: If anyone can see ...

 

... Harvey Harvey, tell him Ted wants to brief him on Kwik Fit. And it's time for his tablet.

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.21

Subject: Re: reception

 

Hi David. Although Róisín does report to me, she was interviewed by Caroline and Ted and was very much their choice—Ted felt that she would “spunkify” the front-of-house area. The way things are normally done here, you would have to have Caroline and Ted's agreement if you want to replace her.

 

My apologies for the delayed removal of the tree. Caroline gave me instructions that, since it still has its roots, it shouldn't be disposed of in the usual fashion, but should be replanted. It has taken me a few days to locate a suitable plot.

 

A team of qualified arboriculturists will arrive shortly to transport it to the Christmas Tree Sanctuary in Abergavenny.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.23

Subject: Re: reception

 

Tell me, Sally, how the hell did Caroline manage to a) interview the sewer mouth and b) give you instructions on tree removal, since she is never fucking here? Is there some kind of telepathic technique you people use, to which I, as a relative newcomer, am not party?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.25

Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge

 

I'd say there's roughly no chance. It's an especially tricky brief. I know how Ted likes to challenge us and I don't want to fail him. BTW, Harvey's in the Romper Room. You'll find him in the ball pit. You might need an excavator to get him out—he's been there all day and I think he's sunk. Also BTW, Bill thinks you look like Daphne from
Scooby-Doo.
Reckon you're in there, girl.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Donald Gold

Cc: Ted Berry, Kazu Makino

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.39

Subject: Fwd: Project Red Carpet

 

This just in from Maurice at Esmée Éloge. I expect you to take suitable action. No flying involved.

 

Begin forwarded message:

 

From:
Maurice Weber

To: David Crutton

Cc: Camille Brunel, Betina Tofting

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.29

Subject: Project Red Carpet

 

Hi David

 

 

We had excellent meeting on Monday. Thanks you for making the journey. Your presentation has stimulated many more discussion.

 

We are particular excited about Dame Bleue (Margaret Thatcher). Camille especial feels that there is big market opportunity in political celebrity. She believes there is something highly sexual about the strong, independent political woman that may work on international stage. We would like you to consider other names: Angela Merkel, Carla Bruni, Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Cristina Fernández de Kirchner of Argentina all exude powerful musk.

 

Men also must be consider. Nicolas Sarkozy, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin press strong buttons of homoeroticism, which is the big factor in male scent selection at purchase point. We put these names in the hat. In your creativity you can certainly think of more.

 

We look forward to meet in Rio.

 

Best wishes,

 

Maurice Weber

Director, New Brand Development (Europe)

Esmée Éloge

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Donald Gold

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.40

Subject: Re: Fwd: Project Red Carpet

 

I give you Dick Cheney, Eau My God. Am I pressing your strong buttons of homoeroticism, big boy?

 

From:
Donald Gold

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 7 January 2009, 16.41

Subject: Re: Fwd: Project Red Carpet

 

Can't think straight. Thoughts of Hillary have sent blood rushing from brain to groin. It's enough to make me hetero.