e Squared (13 page)

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.11

Subject: eat yourself stiffer

 

Stay up all night long and take your ladylove to Planet Orgasma.

Go
http://www.cheapmeds.com

 

From:
Bruno Strong

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.12

Subject: iron rod

 

Hey, guy, want giant love wand you can use on submarine like a periscope? Click now
http://www.bestviagra.com

 

From:
Shabbir Gokulam

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.13

Subject: weapon of mass ecstasy

 

Have stiffest cum stick in city!! Go
http://www.viagrabonanza.com

right now!!

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Alex Sofroniou

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.15

Subject: spam

 

What's happened to the spam filter? I'm getting inundated and it's fucking me right off.

 

From:
Alex Sofroniou

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.18

Subject: Re: spam

 

Sorry, Liam. Filter's down. Working on it now. Please bear with us.

 

 

 

 

William Maddren, a 27-year-old man from Stockton-on-Tees, is in hospital with severe facial injuries after what the police believe was a racially motivated attack. The apparently unprovoked assault by a gang of up to six youths took place in the early hours of this morning outside the Shampers nightclub in Middlesbrough. Before the attack, Maddren was allegedly taunted with racist insults.

 

The incident was witnessed by Joanne Craggs, Maddren's girlfriend. She said: “It was absolutely terrifying. These vicious skinheads were shouting the N word and everything. I was screaming at them to stop, telling them that William is white. He's a ginger and his skin is like magnolia emulsion. But he got a can of that Winter Sun and he came out looking like Samuel bloody Jackson.”

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.25

Subject: Someone get their arse down here NOW

 

I've got a very angry woman who wants to speak to whoever's in charge of Winter Sun. She's the color of my nan's mahogany dresser and she's freaking the sweet shit out of me. Is it asking too much that some fucker deals with her?

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.26

Subject: Winter Sun

 

Hate to be a nag, but I really need that recall ad.

 

From:
[email protected]

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.28

Subject: Your Loan Application

 

Dear Mr. O'Keefe

 

We regret to inform you that your application for a loan of
cannot be approved at this time. We are unable to accept
as security. Please feel free to reapply for a
hassle-free E-zimoney
loan in the future.

 

From:
[email protected]

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.29

Subject: Your Free Consultation

 

Dear Mr. O'Keefe

 

Thank you for submitting your photograph for a free online consultation. Unfortunately we are unable to help you at this time. For the
Cro-Magnon®
Miracle Transplant Technique to work, the client must have sufficient pre-existing hair to transplant. Regrettably your picture shows this not to be the case.

 

However, all is not lost! We are pioneering
Cro-Magnon Canine®,
a revolutionary technique that utilizes the hair of specially bred transgenic dogs. If you would like to take part in clinical trials, go to
cro-maaon.com/woof
today.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.31

Subject: Re: Winter Sun

 

This morning's correspondence has established that I couldn't give a tuppenny fuck about a poxy recall ad for a product aimed at those who believe their pathetic lives will be transformed if only they were the color of oiled teak. Speaking personally, I believe Esmée Éloge should tell the whinging sods to get lost. Let their unwanted deep-cocoa complexions shine as a very public symbol of the vacuous cunts they are. For once, we'd be doing society a favor.

 

Now fuck off and leave me alone.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry, Caroline Zitter

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.33

Subject: new business

 

Good news to report. My office at 11?

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.34

Subject: Re: new business

 

This the big one? Looking forward to it, geezer.

 

From:
Caroline Zitter

To: David Crutton

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.35

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am in Finland attending Dr. P. Van Helden's workshop, Ice Fishing: The Path to Environmentally Sound Management. I will return on Monday 12th January. If you have an urgent request, don't hesitate to contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on
[email protected]

 

From:
Paula Sterling

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.39

Subject: Meeting

 

Dear Mr. Keane

 

I am writing to confirm your meeting with Janice Crutton here at Bancroft Brooks at 10.00 a.m. on Monday 12th January 2009. If you have any questions in advance, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Donald Gold

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.44

Subject: straitjackets all round

 

What is it with the Creative Department in this place? Liam—the only one with any sense—has turned evil and the rest of them are plain unfathomable. I went to see Zlatan and Adrijana (with my handy Serbian phrasebook) to check how they're getting on with my Kwik Fit brief. “We nearly finish,” Zlatan grunts and points at a heap of junk on the floor. Turns out they're working on an “installation” involving 5,000 teaspoons, 200 cinder blocks and lots of sticky-backed plastic (at least I think that's what Adrijana meant by “lodsa stiggybagplaztig”). And as they're telling me this I have to listen to Yossi down the corridor refashion “Yes We Have No Bananas” as a trance anthem.

 

All I want is a half-page black-and-white for a tire and exhaust sale. I give up.

 

From:
Donald Gold

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.51

Subject: Re: straitjackets all round

 

You and me both. Harvey Harvey just told me he can't look at Bassetts Allsorts before Wednesday at the earliest because he has 962 e-mails to answer. Why does TB hire these people? Does he have to fulfill some freak quota?

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Donald Gold

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.55

Subject: Re: straitjackets all round

 

TB told me Double H is the finest lateral thinker he's ever met. Which is just a fancy term for fucked up.

 

From:
Daniela

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.57

Subject: hiya!

 

Hello. My name is Daniela. I'm 19, blonde and I'm bored. Let's chat and have some fun.
[email protected].
My firm breasts ache for you.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Daniela

Sent: 8 January 2009, 10.59

Subject: Re: hiya!

 

Hi Daniela

 

Nice to hear from you. I'm at work, so I'm a bit too busy to chat at the moment, but if you're bored, there's usually something good on TV now. I like to watch
Cash in the Attic
(BBC1, 11.30) when I'm not at the office.

 

I'm concerned to hear about your breasts. Could it be hormonal? I don't want to be presumptuous, but my sister often gets discomfort in her boobs when it's “that time.” She says Feminax helps, so maybe give it a try. If it continues, though, I'd definitely see a doctor.

 

Thanks for writing. Usually I'm free in the evenings if you still fancy a chat.

 

From:
Marlon Norbert

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 8 January 2009, 11.00

Subject: hey, little man

 

My buddy couldn't give his girl big satisfaction until he add extra two inch to his frankfurter of love. Now he is the bedroom hero. Get extra steel for your rod if you are man enough.
http://www.natural-herbal-gain.com