e Squared (15 page)

Authors: Matt Beaumont

BOOK: e Squared

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Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.42

Subject:

If you lot are going to tramp through my nice clean reception at five, make sure you wipe your feet. After the last new biz celebration, the place looked like fucking Glastonbury at chucking-out time.

RÃ³isÃn

Reception

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.52

Subject: tonight

Hi Jan

I know it's been a fraught few days, but how about you let me make it up to you over dinner tonight? I've just signed up Galax International and I'm feeling celebratory. We'll celebrate the pregnancy too, of course. Fantastic news! I'm going to be a dad again! Hooray!

I'll get Dotty to book something spectacularâDavid x

From:
Neil Godley

To: David Crutton

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.57

Subject: Re: New Business Announcement

Hi David

I must inform you that, as a matter of conscience, I will be unable to work on the accounts of Galax International Tobacco.

Although I support the principles of the free market, I cannot condone the sale of an addictive poison.

Also, Jesus was a non-smoker.

I'm sorry if this creates a problem.

Neil Godley (Accounts)

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 8 January 2009, 12.59

Subject: Winter Sun

Left an idea with Ted. So long as he's not having one of his contrary days, you should have something to present after lunch.

From:
David Crutton

To: Neil Godley

Sent: 8 January 2009, 13.02

Subject: Re: New Business Announcement

The only problem we'll have with GIT will be finding a truck big enough to transport our fees to the bank. I think we'll manage without you. Oh, and praise Jesus that I'm in a charitable mood and not asking the collective committee to fire your collective butt cheeks.

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 13.03

Subject: Re: Winter Sun

Thanks, Liam. You're a lifesaver. Possibly literally. I'll call Betina and tell her she can stop trying to figure out how to slash her wrists with a Ladyshave.

From:
Paula Sterling

To: David Crutton

Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.04

Subject: Re: tonight

Dear Mr Crutton

I am writing on behalf of Ms. Janice Crutton in response to your e-mail of 12.52 today. Ms. Crutton thanks you for the offer of dinner this evening, but she will be unable to accompany you. Being in the early stages of pregnancy, she feels it would be inappropriate to celebrate your acquisition of the advertising account of a tobacco company. She does, however, ask me to pass on her congratulations to you for your part in said acquisition.

Yours sincerely,

Paula Sterling

Assistant to Janice Crutton

Bancroft Brooks & Partners

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.06

Subject:

Get your arse in here and take an e-mail.

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.13

Subject: Re: tonight

Dear Ms. Sterling

I am writing on behalf of Mr. David Crutton in response to your e-mail on behalf of Ms. Janice Crutton. Mr. Crutton thanks you for informing him of Ms. Crutton's unavailability this evening. This being the case, he asks that you tell her that he has decided to travel to Galax, Virginia, for his meeting with the President of GIT a day earlier than scheduled, and he will therefore not be home tonight.

He asks that you wish Ms. Crutton a pleasant weekend in his absence.

Yours sincerely,

Dotty Podidra

Assistant to David Crutton

From:
Paula Sterling

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.22

Subject: Re: tonight

Dear Ms. Podidra

Ms. Crutton asks that you wish Mr. Crutton a productive trip and suggests that, while he is with the President of Galax International Tobacco, he takes the opportunity to remind him that he is scheduled for a court appearance in February in the case of the
State of California vs. GIT Inc.,
where the Los Angeles office of Bancroft Brooks will be representing the State of California.

She also asks you to assure him that, despite the extreme fatigue she is experiencing as a result of the aforementioned pregnancy, she will have no trouble coordinating his children's weekend activity programs (which will include busy study schedules, transportation to and from an interschool hockey match, shopping for school uniform items, the distinct possibility of having to peel his son from the pavement outside The Clef & Crotchet at closing time and the inevitable journey to collect his daughter from an inappropriate West End nightclub when she calls for a lift at 2.30 on Sunday morning).

Yours sincerely,

Paula Sterling
Assistant to Janice Crutton
Bancroft Brooks & Partners

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.24

Subject: small emergency

Hi Salâcan you get the bucket and mop up here again? There's been another slight accident with the French press.

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.39

Subject: Winter Sun

What's this bollocks you've left on my desk? Who briefed you to do a humorous viral? Have you any idea what a product-recall ad is? In case you're unsure, it's a simple press announcement in a sober typeface that a product is faulty or unsafe and should be returned to the manufacturer ASAP. Who the fuck told you to get creative with this? You're the most experienced member of my team and I should be able to count on you to knock off pony briefs like this in your sleep. What the fuck's got into you? I'll level with you, geezer. You've been making a habit of fucking up lately. Sort yourself out or find alternative employment.

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.40

Subject: Re: Winter Sun

Any word from Ted yet on the recall ad? Betina is calmer but still a loose cannon.

BTW, caught the end of some secretarial bitchery in the kitchen. You won't like it, but I think the hairdresser's been talking about you.

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 8 January 2009, 14.42

Subject: help!

I'm falling apart here, Lorraine. Don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing anymore. We've got to talk. Please!

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.16

Subject: Re: help!

<< I'm falling apart here> >

What do you think
I've
been doing for the last eighteen months, Liam?

<< I honestly don't know why you left (it's not because of the thing with the thing, is it? That was ages ago) >>

No, it's not because of “the thing with the thing” (though, ages ago or not, I'll be holding that one against you for a while yet. You will burn in hell for “the thing with the thing” alone). It's because you're a lowlife thief. Did you seriously think I wouldn't notice you'd nicked my ruby brooch? It was the only valuable piece of jewelry I had (or was ever likely to have because, let's be honest, you were never going to buy me a ring, were you?). It was given to me by my mother and given to her by my nan. It was priceless to me. If you'd cared about me at all you'd have a) known that and b) wouldn't have stolen it to pay off some twat-faced bookie.

Â« All I want is an explanation. I think you owe me that much. Fair dos, I owe you a lot more >>

Too fucking right you do. You want a list? I haven't got the time right now, but when I do get round to it (and I will) the total will be several thousand quid, the nine years of my life I wasted with you and Christ knows how much in emotional damage. Have you given any thought at all to what it's like to live with a lying, thieving addict? Of course not. You've been far too busy lying, thieving and gambling your life away.

<< I can take it. I have both the time and a cast-iron emotional constitution >>

You can't take it. You may have the time, but you don't have the guts. We've been here before, haven't we? Several times. Whenever I've tried to talk to you about the problem, you've blubbed like a baby and promised you'll change, but it's all meaningless. Lies like everything else.

Â« We could do it over a drink. I'll buy >>

What with? You're bankrupt, financially and morally.

<< I love you >>

No you don't. If you did, you wouldn't have stolen my brooch, would you?

I used to love you, but now I despise you. I don't want to see you again. Ever. I'll come and collect my stuff when you're at work. It might not be for a while because I've got a very nice boss and I don't want to take the piss by bunking off while I'm still new. But when I do show up, I expect all my stuff to be there and not on eBay. And that includes my brooch. I don't care if it literally costs you an arm and a leg, get it back.

Lorraine Pallister

Assistant to Philip Edgar-Jones

Endemol

From:
Milton Keane

To: All Staff

Sent: 8 January 2009, 16.25

Subject: Interns?

Any interns of Chinese descent free to feng shui Caroline's office before she returns on Monday?