e Squared (19 page)

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Caroline Zitter

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.38

Subject:

 

We totally understand if you want some space. Why don't you curl up on Cazza's sofa and have some “me” time? Help yourself to something from the fridge. Doesn't she always have Toblerone in there? And the second you want to talk, you know we're here for you.

 

From:
Paula Sterling

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.49

Subject: Re: what happened?

Att: 1 attachment:
m_keane.doc

 

Don't think the gay thing came up in their meeting. I really shouldn't be doing this—client confidentiality and all that rubbish—but I'm attaching the letter that Janice got me to type. Think it explains why your friend is so upset. Tell him to try not to take it personally. She's being an absolute b
^****
with everyone at the moment. This morning she told the post boy he had BO (which he does, but he's mentally handicapped and you don't say that sort of thing to them, do you?).

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.13

Subject: peace

 

I have just met with one of your employees and gained firsthand experience of the frightening level of idiocy you have to deal with on a daily basis. I feel for you, David. As you probably know, I haven't been feeling much for you lately. I'd make the most of the change of mood by getting home at a reasonable time today. Friends?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: All Staff

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.22

Subject: You just can't get the staff, can you?

 

Spotted Milton on Caroline's window ledge on my way back in. I applaud his dedication, but can't we get interns to clean the windows anymore?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.23

Subject: Aaagghh!

 

Did you see Liam's e?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.24

Subject: Re: Aaagghh!

 

Dialling 999 now.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.25

Subject: Re: Aaagghh!

 

Aren't the police already here? I'll go and grab one from the basement.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.27

Subject: Re: You just can't get the staff, can you?

 

Nice of you to pop in, smartarse. My office, now.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.28

Subject: Re: peace

 

Shall we have a family dinner tonight? Like we used to when the kids could be told what to do.

 

By the way, which one of my lot have you been dealing with? If it's constructive dismissal or sexual harassment or some such bollocks, a) I didn't do it, and b) you know you can't handle it, don't you?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.31

Subject: Re: peace

 

Are you trying to explain conflict of interest to a lawyer? Client confidentiality prevents me from telling you who it was. All I can say is that, in addition to being an imbecile, he seemed a bit gay. Dinner would be nice. But please, not Pizza Express—the kids are too old for wax crayons and puzzle sheets.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.37

Subject: Nurr-nurr-nurr-nurr-nurr-nurr!

 

Oh, the excitement of a job in advertising. A shiny red fire engine has just pulled up outside. Fireman Sam has asked me to tell you to avoid using the main entrance until his mates have finished talking the gay idiot down from his perch. Frankly, I don't know why they're bothering. Haven't they got cats to save?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.41

Subject: Re: peace

 

I'll see if the kids are around. Incidentally, if your Meerkat360 client was wearing a ghastly paisley tie, he's presently being talked down from a window ledge. Nice work and handled like a true Crutton.

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.50

Subject: Help with inquiries

 

Can you make yourself available for a chat with DC Hindley, who's here to investigate the missing copier (and sundry other items)? She found a betting slip with your name on it in the copy area waste bin and she wants to know if you saw anything suspicious.

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.51

Subject: My stuff

 

I dropped by your place to get my things on my way to work. I left my key on the coffee table. Thanks for leaving my brooch out. I was pretty horrible in my last e-mail. Sorry. I'm still really mad at you, but I don't hate you. I can't be with you anymore though. You've got problems that I can't cope with. You have to get help, Liam. Not for me but for your own sake.

 

PS: Why does the spare room look like Arthur Daley's lock-up? And why is there a photocopier in the kitchen? Does it have a microwave function or something?

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.52

Subject: Final, final warning

 

I like you, geezer, but you're making it extremely difficult for me. To repeat what I said in my office: you're in Last Chance Saloon and it's almost chucking-out time. If you don't deliver on GIT, I'll have to do something terminal.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.53

Subject:

 

Have you seen the Corgi toy that sits on the shelf next to my D&ADs? It's worth a fucking fortune. Have you been tidying up again?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.54

Subject: It couldn't get any worse

 

Worse than merely hating me, Lorraine pities me. And Ted's given me the world's stupidest brief and told me my job depends on it. Oh, and the cops want to talk to me. Get me a job in Dubai. I'll do anything. I'll clean your pool, for fuck's sake.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 12.55

Subject: Forgot to mention ...

 

... I want you to team up with Harvey Harvey on GIT.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.03

Subject: It just got worse

 

To make the challenge more interesting Ted's teamed me up with Harvey Harvey. Have I told you about Harvey Harvey?

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.11

Subject: Great news

 

Ted just told me we're teaming up on GIT. Fantastic! I've already got a load of ideas. How about we go for a bite to eat and discuss?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.12

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am out of the office until further notice (if your name is Harvey Harvey).

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.21

Subject: Missing from Ted's office

 

A Chipperfield's Circus crane (manufactured by Corgi and complete with original box) has gone missing from the display shelf in Ted's office. Can you please look for it? It is extremely valuable and Ted would like it back.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.24

Subject: Milton Keane

 

As you know, Milton has been taken to hospital following his ordeal on Caroline's window ledge. He is being treated for shock and NOT for a nervous breakdown. All the vile rumors are totally out of order. Here are the facts. Milton was tidying Caroline's office before her return when he spotted a distressed pigeon on the ledge. Out of pure compassion—and ABSOLUTELY NOT because he was suicidal—he climbed out to help the poor creature. Personally, I think he deserves a medal for bravery and not the sniggers and innuendo that he's being subjected to. And all those people who were hanging out of windows filming him on their mobiles had better not be uploading the clips to YouTube.

 

And FYI, Róisín, he is NOT gay.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.26

Subject: Re: It just got worse

 

No you haven't told me about Harvey Harvey. (Is that really his name or have you developed a keyboard stutter?) What's the brief?