e Squared (41 page)

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Caroline Zitter

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.13

Subject: GIT

 

And will you be adorning us with your presence at the meeting, Caroline?

 

From:
Caroline Zitter

To: David Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.14

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am out of the office attending Scientology: Millions of Top Hollywood Celebrities Can't Be Wrong. I will return on Tuesday 27th January.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Caroline Zitter

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.15

Subject: Re: Out of Office AutoReply

 

Thought not.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.17

Subject: O'Keefe

 

Where the fuck is he? We have a major creative presentation of
his
work and he should be here. Find him. And while you're at it, find Harvey Halfwit. He should be helping out. And can you lay hands on morphine? Fucking ribs are killing me.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.18

Subject: The Jap

 

Where is she? She has a shitload to do before GIT get here. As do you. My office at 10.30 for a heads up.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: David Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.20

Subject: Re: The Jap

 

She's at a doctor's appointment. I'm sure she'll be in soon. I'll see you at 10.30.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.22

Subject: Where the hell are you?

 

DC's spitting nails. They're especially sharp and dipped in slightly racist bile. I know you're not talking to me, but for your own sake, I think you'd better get in.

 

BTW, any luck in tracking Don down?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.26

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

No one knows where Liam is and there's no reply from his home or mobile numbers. I tried Harvey, but I only got his Polish plumber, who was actually very rude and unhelpful. Sorry.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.28

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

If you do get hold of either of them, tell them they're fired. Tell Adrijana and Zlatan that they'll be tying up the loose ends on the GIT campaign. And tell them they're coming to the meeting. I need a (mute) creative presence.

 

Another thing: tell Yossi he's got a gig at noon. I want him in reception singing “Cigarettes and Alcohol” as the client arrives.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.44

Subject: Where the hell are you?

 

It's your Big Day. Thought you wouldn't miss it for the world. The Gaultier chick is promising searing doom if you don't show. TB is especially grouchy. Apparently both his ribs and his pride endured a kicking yesterday—it seems Graham Fink has perfected a devastating
Teh Krueng Kheng Krueng
Kao.

 

Just been through the GIT presentation boards with DC and TB and they look magnificent. They want some “tweaks” though, and if you're not around to make them, someone else will only fuck it up for you.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.45

Subject: Life and stuff

 

Dear Dead Guy

 

Just thought I'd update you on news from this side of the Stygian divide (woo-hoo, my first classical reference in an e-mail. Fuck knows where that came from). Decided not to go into work today. I know it's a Big Day at the office with opportunity aplenty for personal career growth, but I can't be arsed with all that if I'm honest. Thought I'd just chill at yours. I've become a dab hand at Super PONG, but I have to say the scope for improvement is strictly limited.
Naruto: Ultimate Ninja Storm
it's not.

 

You haven't had any calls except for one from Susi. She thinks you should be at work. I didn't tell her you're dead. I didn't tell it was me either. That's because she's trying to track me down too. BTW, if she should ever ask you (in a seance or something), you have a Polish plumber. He's called Alojzy. He's a foul-mouthed sod. I think he enjoyed unleashing his repertoire on the Sooz.

 

When I get to your new hood, ask me to do my sweary Polish plumber for you. I've got it down pretty well. Comes from living over a Paki shop that about a year ago turned into a Polski sklep.

 

Think I'll watch some telly now. I'm working my way through your
Dr. Whos.
I'm halfway through Patrick Troughton. I'll let you know who my favorite is when I reach the end.

 

Say hello to Paul Newman, if you bump into him (can spirits bump?). Tell him I love his work, of course I do, but that his salad dressing is overrated. And if you see God, tell him it's about time he got off the fence. Muslims or Christians: who are the fucking daddies?

 

From: Susi
Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.48

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

Adrijana and Zlatan will be with you as soon as they've finished their “performance piece” for Murray Mints. By the way, Zlatan has six stitches in his face—a fight with “scum s
^**
t from Kosovo, which belong Serbia whatever scum s
^**
t say.” Are you sure you want him in the GIT meeting?

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.50

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

Marketing is war, Susi, and I need warriors. Zlatan is on my A Team.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.56

Subject: How was your weekend then?

 

Was it jam-packed with redemption? Did you make amends to exes, irked Turks and hypothetical victims of injustice? I was getting worried about you on Friday. But what am I? Your fucking mother? You're a big boy and I'm 3,396 miles away (I Googled it). Besides, I have woes of my own. Vince? Don't get me started.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 10.58

Subject: If anyone sees O'Keefe ...

 

... tell him he has visitors. They remind me of the guys who used to hassle us to rent Jet Skis in Bodrun last summer. Except they aren't wearing Speedos and they're not smiling. And I think they might be packing heat. Is it just me or is this place getting more and more like the backroom at the Bada Bing?

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.03

Subject: You have gentlemen callers ...

 

... and judging by their demeanor, it makes excellent sense that you're lying doggo. By the way, DC's going mental because someone did an office clearance on him. He's convinced Evil Neil Godley is the mastermind behind a massive criminal gang. But you wouldn't know anything about all that, would you?

 

Look, is there anything I can do? Witness-protection program, say? I have an old uni mate who won't tell me what he does, but I suspect he's MI5. He might be able to blag something.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.05

Subject: In case you're interested...

 

... I'm at home. I shouldn't be at home. I should be at work, negotiating my client though the legal minefield that is Crossrail. But, thanks to you, I have had to delegate (which, as you know, is just a euphemism for abdicate). Why am I not at work? Why am I actively flushing what remains of my career down the toilet? Because of you. It seems that having the standard solo midlife crisis isn't enough for you. You have to drag your children down with you.

 

Tamara is loaded with antibiotics and in bed with a fever. God knows what filth your so-called “artist” dipped his needles in, but now her tattoo is septic. And Noah? Where the hell is Noah? He's supposed to be in school for a test, but he has disappeared. Something to do with the fact that the poor kid now has “Queer” indelibly inked on his arm? You tell me.

 

I really am going out of my mind here, David. But do you know what? I'd be measurably more insane if you were still around. So if you're thinking that the dust might have settled, that you might be able to drift back home and carry on as if nothing has happened—because God knows you've done that before and, more fool me, I've let you get away with it—if you're thinking anything like that, STOP RIGHT NOW. Stay away.

 

For good.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.07

Subject: Now that you've got some furniture back ...

 

... would you like me to make you a nice pot of tea? Something herbal?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.09

Subject: Re: Now that you've got some furniture back ...

 

Are you a complete imbecile? You think because I've acquired Zitter's vegetarian coffee table and holistic scatter cushions I want herbal fucking tea? Get me espresso. Make it a double. I need to sharpen up pre-GIT. And find the Jap PA. And tell the gay PA that since his boss isn't here, he can make himself useful for me. I have plenty of jobs for him. And find out why the Serbs/Wilton haven't yet delivered me a thief. And if—strictly on the off-chance—you were thinking of sending flowers or some other conciliatory shit to my wife, don't.

 

OK?

 

Just don't.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.10

Subject: DC

 

Hate to tell you, but he wants you. He has “jobs.”

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.11

Subject: Re: DC

 

Aagh! Can't do it!! Have to be at Endemol at 12.00!!!

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.13

Subject: Re: DC

 

You have to! He'll probably kill you if you don't. Then he'll kill me!!

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.15

Subject: Re: DC

 

I'm sorry, Dotty, but I'm not going to let Crutton or anyone else stand in my way.
BB
is my
dream.
It has always been my
dream.
If I have to die for that
dream,
then so be it.