e Squared (23 page)

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.44

Subject: Big Bruv

 

I didn't want to send this e-mail. Only obeying orders. Philip, my boss (normally a picture of sanity), has asked me to ask you a favor. He wants you to tell your idiot YouTube star that if he were to audition for
Big Brother 10,
his entry would be looked at very favorably. Beats me. I guess one man's exhibitionist train wreck is another man's perfect reality star. I know you might not feel inclined to help me at the moment, but if you can do this, I'd appreciate it.

 

From:
Milton
Keane

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.51

Subject: Interns?

 

Any interns free to burn 100 limited-edition DVDs of my Gravity Defying Dance of Death (which I will be signing at lunchtime to sate public demand!)?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.54

Subject: Milton

 

Has he gone completely potty? Doesn't he realize that everyone is laughing at him and saying he's gay?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Dotty Podidra

bSent: 14 January 2009, 09.57

Subject: Re: Milton

 

We need to have a serious talk with him, don't we? Let's get together in fifteen and discuss. (Just got to stick around and watch Ted fire Liam-whoopee-doo!!)

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.59

Subject:

 

Ted wants to see you now. And don't go thinking the fact that you look like a human punch bag will save you. Ted is quite understandably very angry with you. I can't say I'll be sorry to see you go, especially after what your disgusting animal did on my leg. BTW, you owe me £29 for new tights. They were Wolford.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.08

Subject: What the hell happened to you?

 

I just walked by Little Ted's office and spotted you through the glass. Not that it was easy to recognize you under two black eyes. What happened?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Cc: Caroline Zitter, Donald Gold, Kazu Makino

Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.13

Subject: Esmée Éloge

 

When can we review the new political celeb list on Project Red Carpet? Don is due to present in Brazil next week.

 

From:
Caroline Zitter

To: David Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009,10.14

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am out of the office attending What We Can Learn from Dogs: Marketing the Barbara Woodhouse Way. I will return on Thursday 15th January. If you have an urgent request please contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on
[email protected]

 

From: Susi
Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.24

Subject: Unbelievable!!!

 

Liam has just walked out of TB's office with the biggest grin on his stupid face. Definitely not looking like a man who's just been fired.

 

From: Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.36

Subject: GIT

 

You got time later to go through an excellent idea I just had from Liam?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.39

Subject: Re: GIT

 

I'll be free later. I take it you haven't fired him, then?

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.42

Subject: Re: GIT

 

We need to keep him. At least until the client presentation. By the way, I intend to review celeb scents at lunchtime, so let's catch up this afternoon.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.58

Subject: Re: Big Bruv

 

Judging by the way he's strutting his fame, the idiot already thinks he's too big for
BB.
He might be up for the celebrity variant though. I'll tell him about your boss's interest if you'll go out for a drink with me.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.00

Subject: Re: Thank heaven for YouTube

 

Tell Vince he's a genius.

 

From: Susi
Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Creative Department

Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.03

Subject: Project Red Carpet

 

Ted would like everyone in his office at 1.00 to review political celebrity names for Esmée Éloge. Please don't be late. He is on a tight schedule and needs to be at his Thai boxing class at 1.40.

 

From:
Comfort Ajegbo

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.17

Subject: Help I need kind sir

 

Good day. My name is Miss Comfort Ajegbo, the only daughter of the late Mr. Gaius Julius Ajegbo. My dear father was very wealthy oil trader in Lagos, the city of Nigeria. My beloved mother died when I was a baby and ever since my father treat me as his special one. But then my father died, poisoned by evil business associates on trip to oil wells.

 

Before his death in November 2007 he call me secretly to his bedside in private hospital. He told me he has the sum of $79 million in secret account in most prestigious bank in Lagos. He place account in my name so that his wicked associates can never know of it.

 

He explained to me that I must seek a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money so his associates can never ever find it. He told me I must use the money for investment purpose to provide for my safe future.

 

I am honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

 

Moreover, as a reward for your great kindness, I am willing to offer you 20% of the total sum and also 10% for your considerable expenses. Time is of the utmost essence and this transaction must be concluded within fourteen days because my father's associates hire private detective to find the money.

 

I find your name from the British High Commission and they vouch for your Christian character and spotless record. You are the only person I approach in this desperate matter. I know that you are good God-fearing person and I hope you will pity my helplessness. Anticipating to hear from you soon. Thank you and God bless!

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.22

Subject:

 

The pack of unbranded 99p cornershop tights you left on my desk has gone straight in the bin. They are NOT £29 Wolford Satin De Luxe!

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.23

Subject: Re:

 

I know they're not!

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.32

Subject: Re: Plaintive cry for help!

 

Sorry I haven't got back to you sooner, but isn't AutoReply brilliant ? I didn't realize you could make your computer send e-mails automatically. It's like there's a little robot inside typing them out for you! I've got some new thoughts on the cigarette brief and I'll go through them with you as soon as I can, but right now I've got to deal with an emergency that could be a matter of life or death. I really have to go because there isn't a second to waste.