e Squared (25 page)

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.19

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Hark at you! Now who's being the cow!! I will not be “reaching out” to you from the diary room, Susan.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.20

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

And I will not be giving you any more legal or fashion advice if you're only going to use it to make a prawn out of yourself.

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.21

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Like the tip on the paisley tie? I'm SO going to miss having advice as BRILLIANT as that.

 

From:
Milton
Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.22

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Not.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.24

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Has anyone ever told you you're a TOTAL BITCH?

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.25

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Has anyone ever told you you're a brainless CLOTHES HORSE?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Milton Keane

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.26

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Stop it, stop it, both of you, STOP IT!!

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.27

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Milton POO BUM

 

From:
Milton
Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.28

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Susi Judge-Davis-GAP

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.29

Subject: Re: superstar!!!!

 

Milton HOMO

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.32

Subject: WTF?

 

What's with the fucking screaming? I'm trying to review work in here.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.33

Subject: girl-on-girl action

 

Will whoever's having the squealing bitch fight somewhere in the building DESIST, like, IMMEDIATELY. It not only sounds pathetic, but it's also unsettling Neil Godley's mum, who is here to take him shopping for a new winter coat.

 

By the way, Neil, your mum's here.

 

From:
Paula Sterling

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.36

Subject: Mad as a stick

 

Should I be very (or even extremely) worried? JC has got me sourcing electronic tags—you know, the things they stick on asbos in hoodies. I think she wants to put one on her daughter. Is DC doing insane stuff as well?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.38

Subject: Re: Mad as a stick

 

No more than usual! No time to discuss. Taking friend to ER. Broken nose. Got a white Chloé bag full in the face!

 

From:
Paula Sterling

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.39

Subject: Re: Mad as a stick

 

OMG, sounds awful.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.40

Subject: Re: Mad as a stick

 

Absolutely horrendous. Bag's ruined.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Comfort Ajegbo

Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.36

Subject: Re: Help I need kind sir

 

There's been a violent incident in my office and I've had my chair wedged against my door for the past hour. All I can think of are the terrible things that might be happening to you. I'm very, very worried, Comfort. I Googied “African Machete Death” and found some sickening pictures. If you don't get in touch with me in the next five minutes, I'm going to call the police.

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.37

Subject: Re: Big Bruv

 

You talked to your gay guy yet? Boss is getting desperate. I think they're looking for their first
Big Brother
suicide, but this year's auditionees are pretty staid. A bit like they're applying for the grad intake at Prudential.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.38

Subject: Re: Big Bruv

 

Finder's fee?

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.39

Subject: Re: Big Bruv

 

Piss off. All you're getting from me is a bit of goodwill. Let's face it, cash would only go up your nose. Or worse, up your bookie's.

 

From:
Comfort Ajegbo

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.41

Subject: Re: Help I need kind sir

 

Hello, Harvey Harvey. I am so overjoyed that you reply to me. I ask Jesus for Him to send me a Samaritan of kindness and compassion and He has answered my prayers. I beg you please do not talk to the police. If they speak with the constabulary here in Lagos I am surely doomed. All police in Lagos are corrupted vermin and in league with evil business associates. For the time now I am in safe house of a most trusted friend. You must send to me the detail of a suitable bank account in your name so that I can arrange for the transfer of the moneys as soon as possible. I also need the number and other detail of your credit card for the purposes of security and also your passport number and your social security number. I know this is very much to ask of you, but the bank here assures me that they need every possible piece of information to carry out the correct security procedures before the transfer of such a very big sum of moneys can be permitted.

 

Thank you a thousand times for agreeing to help me, Harvey Harvey. I am on tender hooks for your reply.

 

Your grateful friend,

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.58

Subject: Re: Big Bruv

 

I talked to Gay Guy and he's been in a state of hyper-excitement ever since. He's called Milton Keane and I can already hear the Geordie VO: “Veronica and Graham are in the garden, Mikey, Fiona and Rebecca are in the living area and Milton is in the bedroom getting his arse defiled by big, butch Kirk.” The free
BB
ringtone of that will be a treat.

 

The bad news is that he's just had his nose broken. It was your old mate Susi, armed with this season's bag and enraged, I suspect, by his dumb good fortune. You know what she's like in the face of a friend's success.

 

Tell your boss that his recovery should be speedy and that any consequent misshapenness to the nasal zone will surely add character.

 

Forget the finder's fee. Only trying it on. But how about we go for a drink anyway?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.00

Subject: Tonight

 

I intend to read the riot act (in full) to our daughter tonight and I would very much like you to be there for moral support (and also, if I'm honest, because your presence can be more than a little intimidating). Think you can manage to get away at a reasonable time? Also, can you pick up an item on the way from a shop on Edgware Road?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.04

Subject: Re: Tonight

 

Should be fine. Do you want me to yell at her or merely look menacing? And what's the item/shop?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.07

Subject: Re: Tonight

 

Just look menacing to begin with. Start yelling if I give you my look—you know the one I'm talking about. The shop is Spectre Security & Surveillance, 162 Edgware Road. Ask for Mr. Abbas. He has a package marked for me.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.09

Subject: Re: Tonight

 

Very 007. I'm intrigued. Is there a secret password?

 

From:
Zlatan Kovaćević

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.13

Subject: You fight like homosexual

 

I watch the thin fashion girl beat the crap out of you. It is insult to my manhood. I go further and say it is an insult to manhoods everywhere all the world over. When you come back from hospital I teach you to fight like a proper Serbian. If you do not concur to my proposal, I kill you. A pussy boy such as you are cannot be let to live. It is simple as that.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton, Donald Gold

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.17

Subject: Red Carpet

 

Reviewed the political celebs. Have a working shortlist of six for your consideration. Some debate as to whether Robert Mugabe was taking the concept too far, but he stays on the list in the interest of cultural diversity. And because I'm a provocative fucker.

 

Why not pop along to mine to discuss?

 

While we're at it, I can take you through Liam's Montana brain-wave.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.21

Subject: Re: Red Carpet

 

Is it safe? Dotty told me there was bitch slapping earlier. Your PA losing it or something? Do we need to discipline her? You know I'm not averse to violence (in moderation), but this is a PC age we're living in.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton, Donald Gold

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.22

Subject: Re: Red Carpet

 

Won't be necessary. A case of literal handbags. See you in fifteen.

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.29

Subject: Re: Big Bruv

 

Oh dear, he's not a scrapper, is he? The powers at C4 aren't cool with violence since the spitting incident in BB9. Anyway, thanks for passing the word on. And yes, I suppose we could have one drink. For old time's sake or whatever. How's Friday for you?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.36

Subject: Re: Big Bruv

 

You've seen him on YouTube. Does he look violent? He just made the mistake of pressing the wrong buttons on psycho Susi. Remember what she did to Nigel Godley when he forgot to process her expenses? The poor fucker was well and truly Naomi Campbelled. Still walks with a limp. Friday's grand. Can't wait.

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.45

Subject: Re: Big Bruv

 

Friday then. Just don't try anything on. It's just a drink. Not a reconciliation.