e Squared (29 page)

 

From:
Donald Gold

To: Liam O'Keefe, Harvey Harvey

Cc: Ted Berry, David Crutton, Kazu Makino

Sent: 20 January 2009, 09.47

Subject: Presentation materials for Project Recruit

 

As you know, GIT are flying in from Virginia next Monday to see your excellent Mini Montana campaign. Before I leave for Rio, here is a comprehensive and hopefully final list of the areas we need to cover off in terms of creative.

Any questions, I'm on e-mail. I'm back in the office on Friday morning and I'll check in with you then. Have fun, guys.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 20 January 2009, 09.48

Subject: Tag Watch

 

I'm due in conference in ten minutes. Can you take up residence in my office and keep an eye on Tamara's movements via the tag monitor? I've got a printout of her school timetable so you can tell where she should be at any given moment. I've also drawn up a list of pretexts under which you can pull me out of my meeting should she veer off campus.

 

And if you have a spare moment, look into the availability of tag devices with a remote facility for administering a mild electric shock. They may not be on the open market, but try asking Diana Fleiss. She worked on the team that represented Pinochet in his extradition case. She may have useful contacts with less scrupulous rightwing organizations who are familiar with such hardware.

 

From:
Paula Sterling

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.01

Subject: Aagh!

 

JC put me on daughter surveillance. Feel like I'm in the Stasi. Not what I signed up for. I swear, any more of this and I'm getting her sectioned. I know the law!

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.07

Subject: Re: Aagh!

 

DC getting worse too. Double vision a nightmare! He's having a meeting with our creative director, but he's talking to the kentia palm!

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: All Staff

Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.10

Subject: Interns?

 

Any interns free to spend the day steering our chief exec clear of corners and doorframes?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.19

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

Well done, Bloodhound Brett. That is definitely Simon Horne, as good a match as any DNA sample. And how is it possible that he's even more of a tosser in exile than he was in London? What do we do with the information? It's not like there's an FBI reward on him. (By the way, any Al Qaeda types down your way I could claim an FBI reward on? Slightly strapped at the moment.) I suppose we could viral his blogs to everyone in Adland, at least give everyone who's had the misfortune to work for him a retributive laugh.

 

Didn't go well with Lorraine. She turned up with her mate Debbie (remember her? Big laugh, big tits, pretty much big everything) and they ganged up on me. They held me responsible for more or less all the crimes committed on women by men. I'll cop to my share, but the Rape of the Sabines, I was definitely washing my hair that night. I was lucky to leave the pub alive and it took me most of the weekend to recover. Managed to summon up the energy on Sunday to place a small wager on Chelsea/Stoke C. Two goals in the last two minutes! Lampard's a cunt.

 

PS: Seriously, are there any rag-head terrorists in your neck I could get a reward on? Keep your eyes peeled. We'll go halves.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

 

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.28

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

Things sound bad. Just how strapped are you?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.30

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

You don't want to know.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.32

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

Oh, but I do. You owe me £1,500. I'm never going to see it, am I?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.39

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

It's unlikely.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.44

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

Spill the beans then. How much are you in for?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.48

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

Do I have to do this?

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.50

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

It's for your own good.

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.01

Subject: Donald

 

Just got a very panicky text from him. I think he's a bit drunk. He's about to take off and I'm worried. Anything we can do?

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.04

Subject: Re: Donald

 

Nothing I can think of. What's the flight time to Rio?

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.06

Subject: Re: Donald

 

13 hours.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.09

Subject: Re: Donald

 

Cross your fingers and hope.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.13

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Comfort Ajegbo

Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.19

Subject: Are you OK?

 

Hello Comfort

 

It's been nearly a week since I sent you my bank details and I haven't heard from you. Also, my credit card was refused when I tried to top up my Tube card this morning. Could your late father's evil associates somehow have tampered with the account? Or with my Tube card? To be honest, I'm really worried. I've been scouring the internet for news, but I haven't found anything. My mum says no news is good news, and I hope she's right. Please write soon and let me know that you're all right.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.22

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

Fucking Ada. Bit late to suggest you sit down and come up with a sensible budget plan. One thing strikes me: what are you doing with a John Lewis store card?

 

I could advance you a bit. Maybe 5k, but it's not going to help much. I think you need to look into clearing the lot with a consolidated loan.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.26

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

I'm thirty-seven. I felt it was the right time of life to get a John Lewis account. It's a rite of passage. And their curtain fabrics are excellent.

 

Took out a consolidated loan last year—just before credit totally crunched. Did I not mention it? £50,000. The monthly repayments are mental.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.30

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

Four options:

 

Soz, mate, but you're fucked.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.34

Subject: Re: Sighting

 

Don't I know it? Just got bits and bobs from eBay coming in— beer money really. Only reason I'm not at home in bed right now is that I've a feeling the bailiffs might tip up today.

 

From:
Neil Godley

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.39

Subject: Stationery supplies

 

I am extremely nervous of bringing this to your attention, given the rough treatment I had at the hands of the police the last time I reported a theft. However, I feel duty bound, whatever the personal consequences.

 

A few minutes ago I went to the basement stationery cupboard to stock up on green and buff folders and found it completely empty. Not so much as a bottle of Wite-Out! Clearly there is a hardened criminal at work in the building, Sally, and all efforts must be made to bring him/her to justice.

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: David Crutton