e Squared (30 page)

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Authors: Matt Beaumont

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Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.48
Subject: Theft
 
Can you come to the basement stationery store ASAP? What you will see makes a watertight case for the type of security measures I have long been arguing for.
 
From:
Milton Keane
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.49
Subject: Lattes all round!
 
Free to join me and Sooz in Starbucks? I'm going to do the big reveal. Off with the bandage to unveil the new improved, 25% more macho Milton!
 
From:
Dotty Podidra
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.51
Subject: Re: Lattes all round!
 
Love to, but have to escort DC down to basement. Honestly, what am I? His blinking guide dog?
 
From:
Ted Berry
To: Liam O'Keefe, Harvey Harvey
Sent: 20 January 2009, 11.57
Subject: Vodka trip
 
As my new top team, how do you fancy joining Bill Geddes and me on the plane to Holland tomorrow? We're off to visit the Ketel One distillery in Schiedam. All the vodka we can drink, I suspect. The only downside is we have to do some bollock-stomping advertising in return. Lemme know how you're fixed. And if you're good, I'll take you sand yachting on the beach at Scheveningen.
 
From:
Bill Geddes
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.09
Subject: Re: Donald
 
Any word?
 
From:
Kazu Makino
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.13
Subject: Re: Donald
 
He's only been airborne for 45 minutes. I've been checking the news sites. No reports of air rage/forced landings.
 
From:
Bill Geddes
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.15
Subject: Re: Donald
 
Yet.
 
From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.35
Subject: What have I done?
 
Milton looks like some dreadful East End boxer. His nose is as flat as a pancake with a bulbous bump at the bottom. Even when the bruising goes down, he's going to look horrendous. He thinks it looks great, but he's still on sedatives and I think he's delusional. He'll never get on BB now. His whole look is completely camera-unfriendly. He'll kill me when he realizes I've shattered his dreams!!
 
From:
Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.37
Subject: Re: What have I done?
 
Have to write a scary e for DC. We'll get together over lunch and I'll take a look at Milton. I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.
 
From:
David Crutton
To: All Staff
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.41
Subject: Come in, you thieving bastard, your time is up
 
I'm prepared to turn a blind eye to the traditional theft of paperclips and HB pencils, but this has gone beyond a joke. The basement stationery cupboard is barer than Old Mother Hubbard's and I am officially livid. I WILL catch the thief, even if it means making each and every one of you overpaid, underemployed twats undergo lie-detector tests/waterboarding.
 
Be very afraid, you light-fingered toe rag because I will have your bollocks/tits in a mangle.
 
From:
David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.44
Subject: Bringing this investigation to a speedy and successful conclusion
 
I'd like you to look into the possibility of performing CIA-style rendition of certain key suspects to former Soviet Bloc nations, where investigative techniques are less beholden to our flabby
 
Western concepts of civil liberties. I'm sure we could dress it up as “essential business travel.”
 
From:
Dotty Podidra
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.47
Subject: Padded cell for two!!
 
OMG, you should see the last two e-mails DC made me type. He's completely lost it too. Think him and JC must be having a competition to see who can turn into the maddest fascist crackpot!!
 
From:
Zlatan Kovaćević
To: David Crutton
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.48
Subject: Re: Come in, you thieving bastard, your time is up
 
I know certain people who will be of use in this difficult occasion. I can arrange them to come in today. If you give them office for their use, I guarantee to you that they will have a name for the thief by the end of week. The only thing they will ask in return is for you to use your very great influences to make International War Crimes Tribunal in The Hague to drop certain outstanding warrants of arrest.
 
From:
Róisín O'Hooligan
To: David Crutton
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.49
Subject: Re: Come in, you thieving bastard, your time is up
 
Probably not the best moment to tell you that the Arsenal/W. Ham tickets only just delivered by Ticketmaster have gone walkabout from the front desk. And before you have a go at me, I know my legal entitlements to toilet breaks.
Róisín
Reception
 
From:
Dotty Podidra
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.54
Subject: “accident”
 
Could you get your bucket-and-mop guy up here again? Glass and coffee grounds everywhere. I think he was aiming for the kentia palm, but double vision meant he got my workstation.
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 20 January 2009, 12.55
Subject: Crutton is back!
 
He fell off a rock wall last week. Reckon the knock on the head did him the power of good because he is once again at his splenetic finest. Suddenly everything seems right in the world.
 
Stationery Cupboard
 
Item specifics: complete contents of stationery cupboard. Former property of cutting-edge London media company, so well stocked with “trendy” items such as acetate pads, heart-shaped Post-its, Magic Markers and handmade Japanese papers. Also included: usual mundane stuff—Wite-Out, staples and such like—as well as a full stock of toilet supplies. Would suit ambitious media start-up. Or small branch of Ryman.
 
Premiership Tickets
Item specifics: Arsenal vs. West Ham United, Emirates Stadium, 31 January. 4 tickets, upper tier, West Stand. Face value £48 each. Would suit committed Arsenal fan, slightly suicidal West Ham fan or corporate tosspot who wants to impress clients with his willingness to “get down and dirty” with hardcore home support.
 
From:
Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.03
Subject: Resource-saving ideas
 
Until the stationery cupboard is restocked, it is important that we all muck in to make sure our existing supplies last for as long as possible. To this end, here are some handy tips:
1. Reuse envelopes. You can make your own attractive and “branded” address labels out of compliment slips.
2. Each time you reach for your stapler, ask yourself, could a
reusable
paperclip adequately do the same job?
3. Creatives, do your layouts really need to be so big? With careful planning, you can fit up to twenty-four “ideas” onto a single sheet of A2.
4. Creatives, is that “idea” actually any good? Honestly, most of what you do is uninspired and/or unoriginal and committing it to paper will merely serve to make you look “busy.” Go on, be tough on yourselves and only draw up the absolute “gems.”
5. Print out letters and documents on both sides of the paper.
6. And since lavatory supplies have also gone missing, please use both sides of the toilet paper.
7. Soap and paper towels are also in extremely short supply. Ask yourself: do I really need to wash my hands? As a rule, ablutions are only essential after No. 2s.

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