e Squared (34 page)

 

Won't it?

 

Life is more than usually insane in the meerkat warren. Crutton has recruited a platoon of Balkan War leftovers to perform random beatings and strip searches, and he's installed a new stationery cupboard that resembles the vault in the Bellagio. Oh, and we have a senior account director MIA. Probably in Guantanamo, and, no, I'm not fucking kidding. Now I feel bad for every fuckwit suit I've wished torture upon (and God knows there've been a few).

 

Did I say something will turn up? Well, it just did. It's big, black and shiny and, if I'm not very much mistaken, some idiot Serb has left the keys in the ignition.

 

Ads to write, debts to pay. Later, camel jockey ...

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.24

Subject: Is it just me ...

 

... or can anyone else hear screams coming from the basement?

 

From: Susi
Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.26

Subject: help!

 

The security thugs just made me put my skinny vanilla latte through their stupid X-ray machine. Is it safe to drink now?

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.29

Subject: Re: help!

 

I'm sure I read somewhere that X-rays destroy any remaining calories in skimmed milk, so glug away! Actually, I've got a bone to pick with DC about those security idiots. I had to literally scream at them to strip-search me this morning. I mean, doesn't my new nose make me look brutishly criminal (in an appealing Daniel Craig way)? BTW, does demanding to be strip-searched make me seem a bit gay?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.33

Subject: Re: help!

 

Don't be silly. Big, burly convicts get strip-searched all the time and they'd kill you if you suggested they were gay.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.34

Subject:

 

Got an irritating slug of dirt under a fingernail. I need one of those little pointy grabby things to dig it out.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.35

Subject: Re:

 

Do you mean a staple remover?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.36

Subject: Re:

 

Is that what they're called? One of those, then.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.37

Subject: Re:

 

I can fill in the form for you, but you'll have to get it yourself. I'm not allowed in the stationery vault. Sorry.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.44

Subject: Visitors for Osama Bin Crutton

 

Got a Superintendent Johnson from the Anti-terrorist Squad and a guy in shades who won't give me his name (MI5, then). Want me to send them up to the Crutt Cave? Or shall I get our pet Serbs to pat them down and start a diplomatic incident?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Róisín O'Hooligan

Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.46

Subject: Re: Visitors for Osama Bin Crutton

 

Send them up in 5. Cleaning up the plate of jam doughnuts he just threw at me.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.12

Subject: Tag monitor

 

It's on the blink. Can you take it back to Spectre Security and get it looked at? After that you can take the rest of the day off.

 

From:
Paula Sterling

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.13

Subject: Re: Tag monitor

 

Really?? Thanks!

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.15

Subject: Re: Tag monitor

 

That's OK. I want you to go to Chiswick Academy and keep an eye on Tamara. I've brought in her spare uniform, so you should have no trouble blending in.

 

From:
Paula Sterling

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.17

Subject: Re: Tag monitor

 

Are you sure this is a good idea, Janice? I'm twenty-nine. And Tam is about three sizes smaller than me.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.19

Subject: Re: Tag monitor

 

It's an excellent idea. You don't look a day over sixteen and all the little hussies wear their skirts and blouses tight. And don't ever question my judgment again.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.24

Subject:

 

Be a sweetheart and get Ted to run along to the stationery vault to get me a brick-red marker.

 

From:
Adrijana Smiljanić

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.25

Subject:

 

I need glue stick. Tell Ted he must get me some.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.27

Subject:

 

And a light-blue.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: David Crutton

Cc: Ted Berry

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.29

Subject: Mini Montana

 

I'd like to say that I'm hugely excited about the GIT project. I intend to throw myself into it and I've already thought of a way to add value to the product.

 

When I went through the creative, I was reminded of Dairylea cheese triangles. They're sold to kids as fun food and to mums on their nutritional creds.

 

I think we should recommend to GIT that they look into the feasibility of impregnating Mini Montana with healthy additives such as minerals and vitamins. How about Mini Montana with added calcium for healthy bones, or a winter variant with added vitamin C? I'm not suggesting that they'll become a staple in kids' lunch-boxes, but you never know! And if it's successful, they could look into extending the idea to their other brands. What about Ambassador Ultra Plus, an extra-mild smoke with a cocktail of added vitamins? It could be targeted at the vitamin supplement market—basically the elderly and pregnant.

 

Anyway, just a thought. Plenty more where that came from! Thanks for the great opportunity and I hope I don't let you down.

 

From:
Maurice Wéber

To: David Crutton

Cc: Camille Brunel, Betina Tofting

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.36

Subject: Concerns

 

Dear David

 

Camille has ask me to write to you to express our disturbances over recent events. Naturally we are concerned that Donald Gold failed to attend the scheduled meeting re Project Red Carpet in Rio de Janeiro, but we have many more worries and questions when we learn the reason why.

 

I hope with all my heart that you were not previously aware of Donald's affiliation with organizations of international terror, and you were as shocked as were we at the terrible revelation. To think that he was using an innocent business meeting as a cover for terrorist activities is appalling to the utmost.

 

A company as reputable and famous as Esmée Éloge cannot afford to have connections with such types of people and we ask for your assurances that you have cut all ties with this evil and dangerous man. If this is not possible, you will understand that we place our marketing arrangements under immediate review.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Maurice Weber

Cc: Camille Brunel, Betina Tofting

Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.57

Subject: Re: Concerns

 

Dear Maurice

 

Indeed, all of us at Meerkat360 are as horrified and disgusted as you understandably are to discover that a hitherto trusted colleague was all along a sinister crypto-jihadist.

 

I have just this minute come out of a top-secret, eyes-only briefing with representatives of Scotland Yard's Anti-terror Squad and the British intelligence service, where I assured them of our full cooperation in their investigation of Donald Gold. I am not at liberty to divulge details, but I understand that their counterparts in America are making good progress in extracting a full and frank confession from him.

 

Please, rest assured that Mr. Gold's employment has been terminated. Also be assured that I am already working with a team of top-level security consultants and we will shortly be putting into place procedures whereby all staff will be vetted for subversive and/or proscribed political affiliations.

 

I trust that this unpleasant blip will not sully our excellent working relationship with everyone at Esmée Éloge. You have my word that Meerkat360 remains utterly committed in its support of the War on Terror.

 

I sincerely hope this goes some way to reassuring you and that we can continue our successful partnership, particularly on Project Red Carpet. If you are happy to move on, I suggest rescheduling the meeting for next week and I will personally make the presentation. How is Friday the 30th for you?

 

I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Best wishes,

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry