e Squared (31 page)

Who knows, perhaps this period of enforced austerity will cultivate long-term habits of frugality that will save both company money and the precious resources of the planet! Thank you for your cooperation.

 

From:
Comfort Ajegbo

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.06

Subject: Re: Are you OK?

 

I am so glad you write to me, Harvey Harvey, because everything is not OK here. I am encountering trouble arranging the transfer of funds into your account. My contact at FirstBank of Nigeria pic is insisting on dotting all the Ts and he is demanding that you turn up in person to vouch for the veracity of your banking arrangements. I know I have asked much of you already and it is beyond all reasonableness to expect you to undertake such a journey, but I am a forlorn and pitiful woman and you are my one and only hope in this world.

 

I will naturally understand if you say no to my request and I will place my fate in the hands of God, who is great and ineffable in His wisdom.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.08

Subject: Going Dutch

 

MMT is taking me on a vodka trip to Holland tomorrow. Reckon I might stay there, blend in with the potheads, lie low for a bit. Ten years should do it. Situation getting distinctly hairy around here.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.12

Subject: Vodka trip

 

I know we're now officially Ted's Top Team, but let's get a few things straight before we head for Holland.

1. I am not sharing a room with you.

2. If there's any opportunity for R&R, I expect you to find your own entertainment. Actually, I think it's best if you stay put in your hotel room. The “pleasures” of Holland don't suit the mentally “fragile.”

3. If you have any bright ideas for vodka campaigns, best you run them by me first. I'll vet them for Ted-friendliness /general sanity.

4. Bagsy first on the sand yacht.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.13

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

Thanks for the tips, but I don't think I'm going to be able to make it to Holland. I have to fly to Nigeria ASAP.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.17

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

If I hadn't intervened with Ted last week, you'd be jobless right now. If you piss off now to Darkest Africa, I'd say you're doomed. By the way, why are you pissing off to Darkest Africa?

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.22

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

It's a life-or-death situation. A Nigerian woman got in touch with me and she'll most likely die if I don't help her.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.24

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

Don't tell me, she's a young heiress who's promised you a significant wedge of her inheritance if you provide her with your bank details.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.27

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

Unbelievable! Have you had an e-mail from her as well?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.30

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

Everyone's had an e-mail from her or someone very like her. It's a fucking scam, you muppet.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.33

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

You're pulling my leg, aren't you? Everyone says you have a reputation as a leg-puller.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

 

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.36

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

I'm being straighter than I've ever been in my life, Harvey. It's a scam. Here's how it works. Someone called Charity or Comfort or Big Chief Smiley Face sends out 50,000 e-mails saying they've got several tens of millions of dollars and they need to transfer it double-quick to a nice safe UK account. They promise you a percentage if you provide them with your bank details. Most recipients trash it straight away, but a few feeble-minded idiots respond. The next thing they know, they've had all their assets stripped. Even fewer feeble-minded idiots get hit with a further request to come to Nigeria. The unlucky ones get macheted and DHL-ed back home in several parcels. The lucky few merely get robbed blind, stripped naked and dumped on the steps of their embassy.

 

Please tell me you're not going to go. Apart from anything else, you'll leave me right in the shit on GIT. Have you seen Gold's e-mail shopping list?

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.39

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

Sorry about GIT, but I have to go. She sounds completely genuine. I'm sure she's not tricking me.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.41

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

The first rule of any successful con is plausibility, HH. Haven't you learned anything working in advertising? How do you think Nike gets away with charging over a ton for a pair of sweat-shop trainers? If you go over there, you'll be met by a delegation of gangsters in white croc-skin loafers. They'll eat you alive.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.44

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

What if you're wrong? A young life is at stake. In situations like this I always ask myself what the Doctor would do. He would go to Nigeria, just as he landed the TARDIS in the heart of the Dalek mother ship in the Series Three Finale.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.47

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

You're not going to listen to reason, are you?

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.51

Subject: Re: Vodka trip

 

No. I've booked my ticket. I fly at 5.30. Have to go home and pack. Can you tell Ted I'm sorry?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.06

Subject: Milton

 

OMG, you're right. He looks terrible. His BB audition is next Tuesday. Way too soon to get him into cosmetic surgery.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.08

Subject: Re: Milton

 

Did you see literally everyone in the restaurant staring at him? I feel so awful. What can we do?

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.09

Subject: Buzzing!

 

Did you see literally everyone in Wagamama staring at me? I feel totally fab! Move over, Brad! How does “Mingelina” sound??

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.10

Subject: Re: Milton

 

Judging by his last e, think we'd better just go with the flow for now. Setting him straight might make him totally flip.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe, Harvey Harvey

Cc: Bill Geddes

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.21

Subject: Ketel One

 

You two top concept wranglers care to join me in my gaff? Bill G is going to give us a pre-trip briefing on the delights of premium hand-baked vodka.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.25

Subject: Re: Ketel One

 

Be there in a tick. Harvey won't be joining us. He sends his apologies.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.27

Subject: Re: Ketel One

 

Where the fuck is he?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.28

Subject: Re: Ketel One

 

He's gone to Nigeria to save a life. Suspect he'll be returning in a body bag.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.30

Subject: Re: Ketel One

 

At least the Nigerians will have saved us the pay-off. My office now. You can handle K1 on your own.

 

From:
Neil Godley

To: All Staff

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.38

Subject: Help Is at Hand!

 

In the interests of fostering an all-hands-to-the-pump Dunkirk spirit, I am prepared to release the stationery I have brought in for strictly personal use. I have watermarked stationery and matching envelopes in powder blue and mint green. Offer limited to two sheets/one envelope per person.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: All Staff

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.42

Subject: Help Is at Hand, 2!

 

I also have several
Dr.
Who
notepads for general use. They're not strictly mine, but I don't think Harvey Harvey will be needing them again.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.43