e Squared (47 page)

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Authors: Matt Beaumont

BOOK: e Squared
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From:
Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 26 January 2009, 22.18
Subject:
 
You'll be pleased to know that we have TVs in hospital and that I didn't miss your appearance on the news. It's so reassuring to know that while I'm keeping vigil beside our unconscious daughter and while our son is in God knows what trouble, you can at least console yourself with a bravura performance of staggering pomposity.
 
You really are a towering twat, David.
Janice
PS: The watching millions no doubt have been fooled, but I know you better than anyone and I know when you're lying. It's all in the eyes, isn't it?
 
Sent from my BlackBerry
bbc.co.uk/news
British terror suspect released
 
Just six days after his inauguration, President Barack Obama ordered the release of Donald Gold, the Briton recently arrested in Brazil.
 
Gold's release was announced by the President at an unscheduled press conference this afternoon. Earlier he had agreed to meet Kazu Makino, a colleague of Gold's at the London advertising agency Meerkat360. Makino had flown to Washington to lobby for his release.
 
Gold was arrested five days ago in Rio de Janeiro. Despite being Jewish, he was suspected of having links to Al Qaeda. The Brazilian authorities handed him over to the CIA, who flew him to an unspecified location, thought to be Guantanamo Bay.
 
President Obama said: “I knew nothing of Donald Gold's plight until Ms. Makino came to see me. When she told me the story I was appalled. It shone a revealing light on the fear and paranoia that has gripped our great nation in recent years. After confirming the details with my national security advisors, I immediately ordered Mr. Gold's release. Let this symbolize the change that is going to mark my administration.”
 
Standing alongside the president, Makino said: “I knew that as long as I could get someone in authority to listen to the facts, Don would be OK. I am hugely grateful to the president for agreeing to see me, and for listening with such patience and kindness. Now I can't wait to see Don again and take him home.”
 
In London, Gold's colleagues were jubilant. David Crutton, the CEO of Meerkat360, said: “I am absolutely ecstatic. Securing Don's release has been my number-one priority. I didn't for one second believe there was any merit in the ridiculous terrorist accusations. As soon as he was arrested, I dispatched my most trusted aide, Kazu Makino, to Washington and we liaised closely to secure this outcome. I am delighted that our efforts have put an end to Don's ordeal and that soon we can welcome him back to work, where he belongs.”
Other top stories:
Waterloo Bridge suicide dive
(video)
Nigerian police name dead British tourist
Fans injured at Helsinki rock concert
Publishers invade Dordogne
Expat elopes with Arab princess
Tuesday
Mood: au gratin
 
From:
David Crutton
To: Ted Berry, Caroline Zitter
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.11
Subject: Review
 
With GIT about to kick off, we should review timings and resources. My office at 10? And before you ask, Ted, you can't go on a creative hiring binge. I don't care how many men down you are. We are in the worst recession since the Black Death. Make do with what you've got. Can't the clown and the busker write ads?
 
From:
Caroline Zitter
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.12
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
 
I am out of the office attending 7 Steps to Corporate Domination with Jo O'Meara and H (from Steps). I will return on Wednesday 28th January.
 
From:
Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.15
Subject: Re: Review
 
Can we make it 12.30? Snowed under. Bit short-handed. But you know that.
 
From:
David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.19
Subject: Re: Review
 
12.30 is fine. By the way, can you get someone to knock up a “Welcome Home” banner for reception? I'm expecting Gold and the Jap to fly in some time this afternoon and we need to make the right noises.
 
From:
Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.25
Subject:
 
Hi. Just a quick one to see how you're doing. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help—Bill
 
From:
Bill Geddes
To: Donald Gold
Cc: Kazu Makino
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.29
Subject: Welcome to freedom!
 
Hi Don. Spent the night at St. Thomas' Hospital (a long and bizarre story), but managed to watch your release on News 24. Opened a celebratory can of Pepsi Max when you appeared at the plane door. The orange jumpsuit wasn't you, though. Have you got your own clothes back yet? And your BlackBerry? And what about the Esmée Éloge boards?! You know it'll be the first thing DC will ask you about when you get back.
 
We've all been rooting for you here. Well, everyone except DC. He knows how to turn it on for the cameras, doesn't he? We're well chuffed that you're out (Kaz, you're a phenomenon! How the hell did you do it? You and Barack, eh?!!). Hurry home. Lots to tell you. Creatives have been dropping like flies. Literally. It's been devastating.
Bill
 
From:
Brett Topolski
To: Liam O'Keefe
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.37
Subject: Aladdin
 
He's gone. Done a moonlight skedaddle with Princess Jasmine, probably on a magic carpet because fuck knows how he'd have got her through the airport. The place is up in arms. They're clamping down on all expats, which (in case they hadn't noticed) is most of the fucking population. Rumor has it that Jim Davidson has been arrested because he'd agreed to be Vince's best man. I'm bereft. Vince was a complete pain in the arse, but he was my pain in the arse and I miss him.
 
And where are you? Fuck knows.
 
I'm so lonesome I could cry.
Brett
 
From:
Ted Berry
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.40
Subject: Harvey
 
You'll have heard about the tragic death of Harvey Harvey. He was a stand-up fella and a copywriter with a unique voice. He understood that true creativity involves taking it to the very edge and then some. Perhaps that's why he was found face down in a Nigerian river, though I suspect we'll never know the truth. His trade campaign for Trebor Extra Strong Mints will live on as a fitting memorial.
 
There will be a minute's silence at 12.00 and I will be hosting a drink to his memory in the Romper Room at 5.30. I'll be serving Harvey's favorite drink.
 
From:
Ted Berry
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.41
Subject: Drinks order
 
Get in ten cases of Orangina for tonight. And some other stuff. Let's make it a bit of a do.
 
From:
Donald Gold
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.45
Subject: Re: Welcome to freedom!
 
Good to hear from you, Bill. It's grand to be free again too. Now there's an understatement. I am forever in Kaz's debt. She was amazing, wasn't she? We're at Dulles waiting for our flight. She's popped off to get me some tranqs for the journey, though I don't think it'll be necessary. This whole experience has toughened me up and suddenly flying holds little fear! Oh well, they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, don't they?
 
Guantànamo wasn't so bad, to be fair. The Marines were treading very carefully because they didn't know which way things were going to fall with Obama's inauguration. I wasn't in solitary and I had access to a TV and ping-pong. I was offered endless cups of tea and, being the only Jew in the compound, they even laid on a kosher menu for me! They were so sweet (and, I have to confess, pin-up sexy) that I couldn't bring myself to tell them that, actually, I could have murdered a bacon sandwich.

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