e Squared (50 page)

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.08

Subject: Re:

 

Helsinki??

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.09

Subject: Re:

 

It's the capital of Finland.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.10

Subject: Re:

 

Right. Why do you need to go there?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.11

Subject: Re:

 

If it's any of your fucking business, because Noah is there. But you'd know that already if you'd got off your lazy fucking butt and found the idiot.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.12

Subject: Re:

 

Sorry. I'm on it now.

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: All Staff

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.13

Subject: Health and safety

 

Due to the discovery of a dead salamander in Tank 2, the SenzDep Think Tanks™ have been shut down until further notice. The manufacturer has been contacted and will be making a thorough investigation.

 

Until their inquiries are completed, anyone wishing to achieve an altered state of solitary karmic bliss should see Róisín on reception. She has been issued with a supply of earplugs and airline-style sleep masks.

 

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: All Staff

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.14

Subject: Interns?

 

Could I have an intern to remove the dead salamander from Tank 2?

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: All Staff

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.15

Subject: Carla Evans

 

Just to let everyone know that Carla has had to go home with suspected salamander poisoning.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.16

Subject: Helsinki

 

Earliest I could get:

 

You need to leave right away.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.17

Subject: Re: Helsinki

 

Business class?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.18

Subject: Re: Helsinki

 

It's BizzyJet. Don't think they do business class. You can pay extra to get a blanket though. You really have to go now.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.19

Subject: Re: Helsinki

 

Book cab to Heathrow.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.20

Subject: Re: Helsinki

 

Are you sure? Flight goes from Stansted.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.21

Subject: Re: Helsinki

 

Fuck's sake. Remind me to fire you when I get back.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.22

Subject: Re: Helsinki

 

OK. Cab's here in two. Packed your passport, spare toothbrush and emergency jim-jams. Good luck!

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.36

Subject: FYl...

 

... after having cleared yesterday afternoon's and this morning's diaries, and having been up the full night searching for our son, I have found him. Noah is in Helsinki. He was injured at a rock concert. Would he have run away had his father not left home (not, it must be stated for the record, of his own volition)? That is a question for others to decide, possibly a judge in the Family Division of the High Court.

 

I am leaving now for Finland to bring him home. My bag is packed and my flight is booked. Don't try to talk me out of it. If in your bitterness you can bring yourself to do it, give my love to Tam. I'd have done so in person, if you hadn't refused to tell me which hospital she is in.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.37

Subject: Re: Helsinki

 

Cab's here. You can't afford to be late. BizzyJet operates a strict first come, first serve policy for seat allocation and they're notorious for overbooking. Did you see Airport Airheads on Channel 5?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.40

Subject: Re: FYl...

 

What do you mean, “injured?” Is he in hospital? You can't just leave it like that. I'm worried stupid as it is. How the hell is he? Tell me, David.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.41

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am out of the office. Please direct inquiries to
dotty @ meerkat360.co.uk

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.46

Subject: Re: FYl...

 

Answer me, David. I know you don't go anywhere without your BlackBerry. You sleep with it under your pillow. And don't think I haven't noticed that you set your alarm for 4.00 a.m. so you can check your inbox. Jesus, you even wrapped it in a Ziploc bag and took it swimming when we were on holiday. Just bloody answer me.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.47

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am out of the office. Please direct inquiries to
[email protected]

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.49

Subject: GIT

 

Sorry about ducking out of the review. I'm en route to Finland on a family matter. You know my views on so-called “compassionate leave,” and normally I wouldn't hesitate to have myself fired, but my son is there and he has amnesia. More worrying, he is in the care of a fuckwit of the highest order and I have to extricate him before he's initiated into a herring-worshipping religious cult.

 

As per usual, if anything needs my attention, I am reachable by phone or e-mail 24/7. I expect to return tomorrow. Will keep you advised.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.50

Subject: O'Keefe

 

How's da patient?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Pertti Van Helden