e Squared (54 page)

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.02

Subject:

 

Hi Paula

Just to let you know that I'll be out of the office for the rest of the week. Tamara and I are going to Finland. I'll have my BlackBerry if anything important crops up—but only if it's really important.

 

From:
Paula Sterling

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.07

Subject: Re:

 

Hi Janice

 

I know it's none of my business, but is taking a holiday a good idea right now? Everyone is paranoid about the redundancies that I know we're not supposed to talk about, but let's be honest, they're definitely going to happen, aren't they?

 

And should you be flying in your condition?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Paula Sterling

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.10

Subject: Re:

 

You're right, Paula, it is none of your business. But since you've brought it up, if I have to make the choice between saving my family and saving my job, the former wins out.

 

I'm not sure whether David would prioritize his life in the same way. That's what I hope to find out in Finland.

 

As for my “condition,” it is, as of this moment, totally fucked. I don't believe it can be made any worse by one little airline flight.

 

Look after things for me. You're more than capable.

 

And if it's any consolation, when the redundancies that we're not supposed to talk about finally happen, those capabilities should see you safe.

PS: Can you ask Gabriella in Litigation if she'd be willing to represent David plus at least five others? We are going to bankrupt BizzyJet. Even in the worst recession, there is always work for lawyers.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.19

Subject: Luncheon

 

Where are you taking me, Jerry Maguire?

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.20

Subject: Re: Luncheon

 

You're here? Thought you'd be taking another day's R&R. I'm going out with Don and Kaz. Thai. Wanna come?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.21

Subject: Re: Luncheon

 

Need to bulk up for Adidas. Can you guarantee a minimum of 3,000 calories?

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.22

Subject: Re: Luncheon

 

They do an all-you-can-eat buffet for a recession-busting £6.99. Why not see how far you can push them?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.24

Subject: Re: Luncheon

 

Oh, I can push them. I'm wearing Homer Simpson brand elastic pants.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.33

Subject: I am so fucking pissed off with you I could punch out a plate-glass window and not feel any pain whatsoever

 

I have to find out what you're up to on fucking YouTube along with the rest of the drooling, Web-enabled proletariat? And I'm the 783,467th view. That means 783,476 people saw it before I did. Have you any idea how much I'm hurting?

 

Tosser.

 

Yes, you: lardy fucking tosser.

 

And it was a rubbish dive. 25 in competition. And that's only if you bribed the Kazakhstani judge with American dollars.

 

Ta-ra. For the last time,

PS: At least Vince e-mails. He wants his asthma inhaler. He gave me a postbox address in Aspen. Must be getting some skiing in.

 

PPS: Yes, he's a fucking tosser too.

 

PPPS: Just fucking get in touch, for fuck's sake.

 

PPPPS: Tosser.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.42

Subject: Re: I am so fucking pissed off with you I could punch out a plate-glass window and not feel any pain whatsoever

 

Soz, mate, truly, truly soz. I was just about to e you, honest. I've had a life-changing couple of days and keeping up with my best buddy hasn't been top of the agenda. Just one of the many reasons I am feeling chastened. And deeply, deeply shamed.

 

Oh, and deeply fucking relieved in a glad-to-be-alive kinda way.

 

You'll want the full story, I suppose, but it'll have to wait till we meet up (because we WILL meet up). It's way too raw for e-mail. You need to be able to smell the tears.

 

In an admittedly lame attempt to make things up to you, here's a just-for-my-best-mate exclusive a full two hours before the press release goes out: like Beckham, Kournikova, the Chelsea and Macclesfield Town teams, I'm now contracted to Adidas. They're going to give me cash money. More of a Macclesfield-than a Beckham-sized sum, but enough to clear my debts (yes, yes, the check's in the post). All I have to do is something stupid. Monumentally stupid, actually, but we'll gloss over that for now.

 

Again, you'll want the full story, but again, it'll have to wait. Not for long though. I'm due a holiday and I could do with some winter sun, even if it is in a tacky Arab Vegas minus the casinos.

 

Which is a good thing. I'm a changed man. No more roulette or blackjack for me. Or horses. Or dogs. Or net poker with fifteen-year-olds in Kettering who play with their mums' Visa cards and think they're Lancey Howard—and, actually, who usually beat me like they're Lancey Howard.

 

Yeah, yeah, I know I've said it before. Countless times. But this time ...

 

Right now you're rolling your eyes toward the back of your skull, but this time it's different. I died and got my life back. And I've got the chance of Lorraine. Who is my life. Incredible, innit? Lorraine! And me! Together! Again! (Maybe.)

 

Fuck, I'd better sign off before I make myself cry.

 

See you before you know it.

PS: Must say I didn't find the Vince-in-India story credible. The Vince we know would only check into an ashram if it had slot machines, cable porn and a vodka bar. Aspen makes much more sense. American portions of red meat, regular sightings of Don Johnson and God's finest white powder (snow, I mean). But do you think Princess Jaz's full Arab wrap works on skis? She might be able to pull it off on a snowboard, mind.

 

PPS: Have to say you're wrong about the dive. At least a 50 in competition.

 

PPPS: Vaguely recall telling you I loved you in my last e. I meant it. There you fucking go: proper man tears. Pass the Kleenex, nurse.

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.43

Subject: I'm not saying we're back together ...

 

... but if/when you get your contractual meeting with Anna Kournikova, if you so much as glance at her (and you know what I mean by glance), you can forget any real or theoretical chance we have of reconciliation.

 

Fancy grabbing a bite after work?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.51

Subject: Re: I'm not saying we're back together ...

 

As if I would indulge in any glancing. Well, the old me certainly would have. But this is the new (and very much improved) me. Just you wait and see.

 

Dinner sounds excellent. I've booked us into Porky Pizza in Leicester Sq. They do a recession-busting 36-inch American Hot for £24.99.

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.52

Subject: Re: I'm not saying we're back together ...

 

Yeah, the new, improved supersize you. I'm worried about that. Adidas want an “everyman body shape.” Not sure that means fat bastard.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.58

Subject:

 

Fancy returning my Chipperfield's circus crane, you thieving twat scum? And while you're at it, you can round up the shirking dead bastard Harvey and show me what you've done on Ketel One. And it had better be very fucking excellent. For some unfathomable reason David believes the sun shines out of your arse, but you'll have to go a long, long way to impress me. An actual solar flare bursting from your actual anal sphincter might just do it, but don't fucking count on it.

 

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.59

Subject:

 

You here, Lazarus? You happen to have a Dutch vodka campaign concealed about your person? Ted wants to see one. Like now.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.07

Subject: Re:

 

Sorry, but I've only just got in. I had to spend some time at the flat showing Comfort how the heating, the microwave and Super PONG work. (Can you believe they haven't heard of Super PONG in Nigeria? They're very behind the times technologically speaking.) I haven't given Ketel One any thought. I've got an Orangina campaign in my bottom drawer. I did it at M&C Saatchi, but Graham Fink said it was too childish. Or did he say it was deranged? Or was that my Hyundai poster? Except I'm pretty sure he said that was the work of a psychopath. He used to make up words like “psychopath” and “borderlinepersonalitydisorder” just to get people out of his office. Anyway, I think my Vimto campaign is brilliant. By the way, are we proper partners now? That is so exciting! I haven't had a partner for longer than three days since I left college.