e Squared (58 page)

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Authors: Matt Beaumont

BOOK: e Squared
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See you there, ravers!
 
From:
Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.36
Subject: Cry for help
 
You have GOT to come tonight, girlfriends. They've only sold 15 tickets. Obviously there're no queers in Essex. What the heck was my rubbish agent thinking? There'll be tumbleweed blowing across the stage when I do my number!! Save my life. Please, please, please, please, please come!!!!
 
From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.44
Subject: Interns
 
Is there an intern free to take Ted's crampons to the “honer?”
 
From:
Kazu Makino
To: Donald Gold, Bill Geddes
Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.46
Subject:
 
Plane (not Air Force 1) gets in tomorrow at 7.30am. I've promised my mum I'll meet her in Home Ware at M&S for a mind-numbing Christmas-present splurge. Managed to negotiate myself a 90-minute lunch furlough before she drags me back to Suburban Family Hell (AKA Surrey). Fancy hooking up for a bite? I have bribes: White House china. Only a few items, but over time and with enough trips home, I can build it up to a complete dinner service.
Kazu Makino
Special Advisor to the First Lady
on the Environment, Foreign Affairs and Shoes
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington
DC 20500
 
From:
Harvey Harvey
To: Liam OKeefe
Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.48
Subject:
 
Hi Liam. I'm very nervous about tomorrow. Have you got the rings yet? And my psychiatrist is coming. He wanted to be my best man because we do go back such a long way, so he might be a bit funny with you. Also, Comfort wants to know if Lorraine will be happy wearing a traditional Nigerian bridesmaid's dress.
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 22 December 2009, 12.03
Subject: Re:
 
No, Harvey, let me explain. Again. *You* buy the rings. My job as best man is simply to look after them for you. Don't worry about your shrink. I've got some top psychiatry jokes in my speech that will put him at ease. And Lorraine will wear pretty much anything, so long as it doesn't involve peepholes.
 
From:
Donald Gold
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 22 December 2009, 12.05
Subject: Re:
 
Hooray!! Lunch with my heroine, Kaz! I'll get us into the Ivy. They'll surely bump some no-name Britain's Got Talent reject for a member of the First Lady's personal staff. Hurry up and get here.
Don xxx
 
From:
Liam O'Keefe
To: Creative Department
Sent: 22 December 2009, 12.18
Subject: The Big Night Out
 
As if I need to remind you, I'm hosting Double H's Literal Stag Do tonight. Tailored to his highly specific brief, here is the evening's thrilling itinerary:
NB1: No shooting, garrotting, cudgeling or otherwise harming the deer, Zlatan. They belong to the Queen, and she will have you beheaded. She still blames your lot for kicking off WW1 and she wouldn't bat an eyelid.
 
NB2: Unless one happens to be taking a shortcut through the park on her way home after a hard night's writhing to music at Spearmint Rhino, we will see no strippers tonight.
 
It's going to be an educational blast, people. Personally I can't wait.
 
Liam
marquee.co.uk
Working Title unveils plans for
Dordogne movie
 
Working Title has announced that its adaptation of the runaway bestseller
Dordogne Twilight
will begin principal photography in spring 2010. Russell T. Grant has completed a script that Tim Bevan, the company's co-chairman, has described as “Jean de Florette meets
Naked Gun.”
 
Gérard Depardieu has been cast in the role of Papin and Helen Mirren will play Celine. The starring role has gone to Pierce Brosnan. Brosnan said: “I have spent my career playing basically decent, heroic types, so it'll be an exciting challenge to inhabit the skin of a gross, narcissistic and utterly delusional fuckhead.”
 
From:
Janice Crutton
To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others ...
Sent: 22 December 2009, 12.21
 
Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 9 [continued]
Last and least, me! I'm near the end of my maternity leave, so after Christmas I'll focus on recruiting a nanny. Hopefully there won't be a repeat of the Tamara experience when her first word was something that would get you imprisoned in the Philippines! Ideally I'd like a nice French girl so that Petra Rosebud has a head start on a useful second language. Seriously, many of the tots round here are fully bi- and even tri-lingual by the time they get to nursery! I suspect, though, that I'll have to pay a premium for French and will end up with Czech.
C'est la vie,
as they don't say in Brno! And then it's back to work, where I suspect the Crossrail negotiations are exactly where I left them four months ago.
 
One piece of sad news. After 18 years and about 5,000 sacks of lams, Courtney passed away in October.
 
I've attached a pic of the four of us (plus my bump) on our recession-conscious holiday in Devon. Strangely, apart from the rain and the stodgy food, it was exactly like Tuscany—full of London lawyers and media types!
 
That's all from us. I hope you're all well. And I wish you wonderful Christmases and moderately prosperous New Years.
 
All our love,
 
Janice, David, Noah, Tamara & Petra Rosebud xxxxx
 
From:
Pertti Van Helden
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 22 December 2009. 12.22
Subject:
 
Christmas is comed and the gooses is getting stuffed! I very exciting about your imminating arrival. I invite the whole thirty-seven of the Van Helden extending family to join for a Christmas Eve feasting to celebrate the present of my top English friends. Tell to David also that I arrange the special journey to Ivalo. I make appointment for doctor which marinade him in the reindeer shits. It is treatment to make miracle cure of scars in the face and also hand areas. I have one thing I must ask. Is Tamara the normal teenager liking the dancing? If you tell me yes I am arrange her go tanhukurssi. It is the special course to make dance in the Finland folk style.
 
I have make many of the incredulous plans for your trip and I am explosive with the thrillingness.
Pertti Van Helden
 
From:
Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Cc: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 22 December 2009, 12.26
Subject: Final warning
 
You have four minutes to get out of the office.
 
Dotty, please remind him about the Sudocrem. And have a lovely Christmas.
 
From:
Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 22 December 2009, 12.27
Subject: Janice
 
Just checking you saw her e-mail?
 
From:
David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra

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