e Squared (51 page)

Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.53

Subject: Re: Phenomenatic coinciment!

 

Good to hear from you, Pertti. It goes without saying that I'm enormously grateful to you for letting me know of Noah's situation.

 

It also goes without saying that I hold you and your son fully responsible for his injuries. If he has suffered any long-term damage, I have access to not only the very finest neurologists but also the most sadistic lawyers. With their assistance, I will descend on you and your entire nation of fucked-up liberal herring lovers with a force that will make the Soviet invasion of '39 look like a Saga coach tour.

 

I am on my way to Finland now. My flight lands at 17.10. Please have him ready to leave.

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.03

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

How's da patient? You want the honest answer? I feel like killing him.

 

From:
Pertti Van Helden

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.14

Subject: Re: Phenomenatic coinciment!

 

You are as hilariful as the usuals, Dave! Your latest e-mailing is reminiscing me of the time I come Miller Shanks London for Euro CEO conferences and you tell taxi driver take me to the Tower Hamlet for the proper Cockney welcome. I am meet the famous London mayor, Dick Van Dyke, but I see only the brick throwing fights between the Pakistan persons and the traditional cockney chavs. This is when I realize you are pulling my chains and I laugh uproarious at your mischievity!

 

You will be happy I inform you that Noah is make a good progression. I am jerk memories of his father with stories of crazy adventures we are having in the old time. He is tell me his father is the pompousful prick head. This is showing the memories are coming back and he has also the Crutton senses of ironicalism that is never failing to split the Van Helden rib area.

 

I notice he has the gay word writted in the tattoo, so you will be also happy he does not come in the hand of Finland homophobist Nazi skinhead. Sadnessly our joyful nation of “liberal herring lovers” has the small numbers of these misguiding persons in its middle. I assure him that even though I full blood Viking pussy hound, I am comfortables with his homosexualness. As soon as he is well I prove this by we go in sauna and I beat his naked back with the fine twigs of Finnish birch.

 

I look forward to your come. As the Englishes are saying, I stick the kettle up!

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.17

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

Doesn't sound good. Want to confide?

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.26

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

The Turkish army is outside. One of them came in with a bunch of grapes and a final reminder. Liam owes them £18,000, half of it debt and the rest punitive interest. I made him explain. He must have been truly suicidal because the stunt he pulled to get himself into this mess was a self-inflicted death sentence.

 

We'll never make it out of here alive. I'm mad as hell with him, and also with myself for getting fooled again. Honestly, I'd walk out on him now, but with the mob out there, I might as well have hostage lipsticked across my forehead.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.27

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

Jesus, he's a prat. I'd kill him if I were you.

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.28

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

Can't do that.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.29

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

Why not?

 

From:
Lorraine Pallister

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.30

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

Cos I love him.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.35

Subject: Re: O'Keefe

 

Ah ... That changes everything.

 

Do your best to stay calm and I'll try to rustle up some cash. I can get my hands on about a grand right away. Will that buy him some time ...?

 

Thought not.

 

It might be an idea if he fell out of bed and broke an arm or something, thus necessitating an extra night or two in hospital. Given your mood, perhaps you could give him a shove in the general direction of the floor.

 

I'll have a serious think about solutions. Be in touch soon.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.36

Subject: Liam

 

Got a chick from Speedo on the phone. She wants to talk to Liam. Anyone know which hospital/prison he's in?

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Róisín O'Hooligan

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.37

Subject: Re: Liam

 

Put her through to me.

 

From:
Kirsten Richardson

To: Creative Department

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.40

Subject: Poor, poor Harvey, may his soul rest in eternal peacitude

 

Though I'm as upset as all of you by the tragic news, I'm available if anyone wants a Harvey Harvey “pudding bowl” in time for this evening's memorial do.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: Bill Geddes

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.41

Subject: Liam

 

Got another chick on the line for Liam. This one is from Zoggs. Sounds like a Californian religious cult, but she reckons they make swimming goggles. Want me to put her through?

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Róisín O'Hooligan

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.42

Subject: Re: Liam

 

Put her on hold until I've finished with the Speedo lady.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.57

Subject:

 

Hi Dotty

 

I'm sorry to bother you at work, but do you know what's going on with Noah? Is he really in Finland and is he injured? If so, how badly? And is David going there to bring him home? My husband has told me nothing and I am going out of my mind with worry. Somehow Noah has acquired a gay tattoo. Frankly, anything could have happened to him.

 

You might have sensed that David and I aren't exactly getting along swimmingly at the moment, and I appreciate that your first loyalty is to him, but if you know anything at all, I beg you to help me out.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.09

Subject: Re:

 

Hi Janice

 

David is on his way to Finland now. All being well, he's about to take off. His flight number is BJ634 and he's due to land in Helsinki (the capital of Finland) at 17.10. I booked him into a superior room (with separate sleep and working areas and wireless internet access) at the Scandic Marski Hotel for one night. Noah is over there, but David didn't say anything about him being hurt.

 

To be honest, I wasn't aware of any “unswimmingness” between you, but I'm sure he'll want you to be the first to hear any news. He'll definitely be in touch as soon as he knows anything.

 

He's got his BlackBerry with him. Why don't you try him on that?

 

Let me know if I can help with anything else!

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.10

Subject:

 

Before I left, did I mention that if Janice gets in touch, not to tell her anything?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.11

Subject: Re:

 

No.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.12

Subject: Re:

 

I'm sure I did.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.13

Subject: Re:

 

You definitely didn't.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.14

Subject: Re:

 

Whatever. Should Janice get in touch, don't say anything about anything whatsoever. At all. Got that?

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.15

Subject: Re:

 

Absolutely. Won't say a word.

 

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Lorraine Pallister

Sent: 27 January 2009, 14.59

Subject: a possible solution

 

How do you think Liam would feel about reprising his Waterloo Bridge dive off a cliff in Acapulco? Or possibly the Sydney Harbor Bridge?