e Squared (55 page)

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.11

Subject: Re:

 

Yes, we're proper partners. Like it or not, I feel an unbreakable bond between us. It stretches from here to literal eternity.

 

Not that you need a partner any more. With Comfort in your pad and $80 million in the bank, what the fuck are you doing at work?

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.15

Subject: Re:

 

Comfort didn't actually have $80 million. She had just enough to get us flight tickets. And before you say she was lying about the money (because I know you will), she wasn't. Her maths is really bad and there are a lot of things that she honestly believes that aren't actually true. Like her dad isn't an oil broker. He's a taxi driver. And he isn't actually dead. He gave us a lift to the airport. We flew with this airline called Arik, which I think is a misspelling of Eric, who's probably the owner's son. There's a lot of that in Nigeria. I've just remembered another word that Graham Fink made up. He used to say delusional a lot. I checked the dictionary and you'll be amazed to learn that it's real! It means holding an idiosyncratic belief despite it being contradicted by reality. Do you think Comfort might be delusional?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.16

Subject: Re:

 

Well, if she is, she's come to the right place.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.17

Subject: I'm fucking waiting

 

You, Harvey and K1, my office, now.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.18

Subject:

 

We're going to see Ted. Grab your Orangina campaign.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.19

Subject: Re:

 

But it says Orangina in the bottom right-hand corner. And it has babies in it. And a puppy.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.20

Subject: Re:

 

I'll improvise.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.33

Subject: Catch ups

 

Hello Teddy my favorite creating director! I am want to catch up on the matters of today. I miss the meeting for Montana yesterdays because I am travel Finland the great nation of Scandinavia with the top markings in ski jump, mobile phone covering and Lapp dancing (ha-ha, are you getting it?!).

 

But even if I have many kilometers afar I am stay on the top of Montana campaign. You must make your creating teams do the more zany ideas and we can show Mr. Montana our excellent creationity.

 

Reach for the ceilings!

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.36

Subject: Re: Catch ups

 

Mate, what's going on? You totally off your tits on Finnish vodka?

 

By the way, Liam and Harvey have just shown me a rocking K1 idea. I think the bastards have pulled it out of the fire once again.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.40

Subject: Re: Catch ups

 

I am wish this is true, but I have not vodka or not the tits. I am horrifical burn in the aeroplane pasta accident but I recovers with the helpings of my old friend Pertti Van Helden. He is the ballcock of hairy big dog.

 

I think Liam and Harvey is deserved a paying increasement. I am always of favor to reward the creation excellency with financial pleasantry. As the Big Chief Swing Dick I command you make this to occur.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Caroline Zitter

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.46

Subject:

 

I check my diary schedules and I seeing we have the meeting in 2.30 today for discuss the strategy of the Liquorice Allsort.

 

Apology I will not be attentive. I am undisposed in a land far-away. Please hold the meetings without me. Free your minds and let them fly to the galaxies!

Sent from my BlackBerry

 

From:
Caroline Zitter

To: David Crutton

Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.47

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am out of the office attending Seminar Overload: Sorting the Best from the Bullshit. I will return on Friday 30th January.

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others ...

Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.04

Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 9

 

Well, here we are again. Another year, another catalog of ups, downs and in-betweens. Mostly ups, it must be said. The highlight, of course, was the arrival of Petra Rosebud, all 71b 3oz of her! I've bored you already with countless pictures, so I won't bang on. I'll just attach the mpeg of Noah frying the afterbirth.

 

Joking!

 

In brief, little Petra is sleeping like an angel. For half an hour at a stretch. My God, I'd forgotten how exhausting motherhood is!

 

But she is a true delight. David and I couldn't have wished for a more perfect anniversary gift.

 

Twenty years! Can any of you believe it, even those of you that were at our party? I know I can't. It really has gone by in a flash. For those of you that weren't at the do, all I can do is repeat what I said then. It has been a remarkable twenty years: joyous, happy and filled with laughter. I feel very lucky to have found in David someone so loving and supportive. And after all these years I sense our marriage has entered a new phase of transcendent calm.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.12

Subject: To do

 

A reminder of today's packed itinerary:

Do not be late. You are on two strikes.

PS: On your way home pick up tea bags and Sudocrem.

 

PPS: And that Dordogne book. Our host has expressed an interest.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.24

Subject: Re: To do

 

Got a few more e-mails to send and I'm out of here. By the way, why do we have to fly so damn early tomorrow? Come to mention it, why do we have to fly at all?