e Squared (33 page)

 

Further thought on the Godley case: have an intern tail him when he leaves the building. Actually, a team of interns with a rota to follow him round the clock.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 21 January 2009, 04.12

Subject: Are you still alive?

 

Don't go getting ideas above your station, sunshine. You're not the only reason I'm awake at four in the fucking morning. Mostly to do with the fact that the bastard bailiffs took both my bed and my sofa yesterday. But—fuck knows why—I am worried about you. If you're not—as I fear—lying dismembered in a disused section of oil pipeline, but are checking your e-mails in some backstreet internet caff while knocking back one of the many non-alcoholic malted beverages for which Nigeria is rightly famous, please write and let me know.

From:
Sally Wilton

To: All Staff

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.15

Subject: Security

 

As you know, XL Enforcement is working with us to enhance general security. To this end, bag searches are mandatory for everyone leaving the building. Rest assured, however, that strip searches will be kept to a minimum. From time to time, XL operatives may need to question employees. The former stationery cupboard in the basement has been set aside for this purpose.

 

Hopefully these essential security measures will bring to an end the recent spate of property theft and we can all return to normal.

 

Thank you for your cooperation.

From:
Sally Wilton

To: All Staff

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.20

Subject: New stationery arrangements

 

You will no doubt be pleased to learn that our stationery inventory has been fully replenished. The new super-secure stationery vault is located on the third floor and has been fitted with a state-of-the-art steel-titanium-laminate door designed to withstand a blast of up to 1.2 megatons. Access can be obtained via a 16-digit code, which will be changed daily. Anyone needing stationery supplies must fill in the new Stationery Requisition Form (SR1-B), which they should then take to their department head. Only department heads are permitted access to the vault.

 

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

From:
Adrijana Smiljanić

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.26

Subject: Re: New stationery arrangements

 

So if I want glue stick, I fill up form, take to Ted, he memorize big code, go in lift to floor 3, open safe, get out glue stick and bring back to me?

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: Adrijana Smiljanic

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.28

Subject: Re: New stationery arrangements

 

Yes! Glad my e-mail made everything so clear.

 

From:
Adrijana Smiljanić

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.29

Subject: Re: New stationery arrangements

 

Very clear, thank you. Also fucking crazy.

 

From:
Neil Godley

To: Caroline Zitter

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.31

Subject: A totally confidential matter

 

Dear Caroline

 

As the one senior partner who has the interests of “rank-and-file” staff at heart, you're the only person I can turn to. I am certain my phone is bugged and I am being followed whenever I leave the building. Also, a pizza delivery van is permanently parked outside my flat. You'll probably think I'm being paranoid, but I tried phoning the number on the side to order a four seasons and I got a minicab office in Ipswich. I believe I have been targeted for “special treatment” by a certain member of senior management. I don't know how much longer I can carry on performing my company duties in this atmosphere. I would normally be outraged, but to be honest, I'm too scared.

 

Please help me.

From:
Caroline Zitter

To: Neil Godley

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.32

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am out of the office attending
Aiiiieeee-Ya
! Kick Box Your Way to the
Forbes
100. I will return on Monday 26th January. If you have an urgent request please contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on
[email protected]

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.37

Subject: Home?

 

So are you back from Holland or are you hiding from your creditors beneath the comely form of an Amsterdam tart? Let me know that I'm not blathering pointlessly into the ether because I do worry about you.

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.39

Subject: Security

 

I am deeply bothered by the X-ray machine your Serb goons have stuck in reception. It's only six feet from my desk and it's wheezing like my bronchial nan. Christ knows what radioactive bollocks it's pumping out. Mark my words, if I get cancer, I will not wait for the courts to get me justice. I will seek you out and rip your head from your shoulders. And you can tell Crutton I'll have him too. The blustery shitehawk doesn't scare me.

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: Róisín O'Hooligan

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.44

Subject: Re: Security

 

Rest assured that the X-ray machine is perfectly safe. If you choose not to wear the lead-lined protective jerkin and bonnet with which you have been provided for your comfort and safety, and which is compulsory under health and safety legislation, the company cannot be held responsible for any ensuing medical complications.

 

For the record, the security improvements that are now in place are exactly what I have been arguing for during my many years in office administration. I am glad I at last have a CEO that understands what is required for efficient day-to-day office operations.

 

I ask that in future you desist from making abusive threats or I will be obliged to place you on the draft register of suspect employees.

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.46

Subject: Re: Security

 

Go fuck yourself, Sal. With a paperclip.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.49

Subject: Operation Thief Kill

 

IT has forwarded me an interesting e-mail sent by our prime suspect to CZ. The softly-softly approach is no longer appropriate. I think it's time our Serbian friends had a chat with him.

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.51

Subject: Re: Operation Thief Kill

 

Do you mean an actual chat or an “enhanced” chat?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.53

Subject: Re: Operation Thief Kill

 

“Enhanced.”

 

From:
Sally Wilton

To: Neil Godley

Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.58

Subject: Routine background interview

 

Hi Neil

 

XL Enforcement would like to talk to you about the thefts of the photocopier and stationery. It's nothing to be concerned about. They simply want some useful background, since you were first on the scene on both occasions. Slobodan will be along to collect you shortly.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.06

Subject: Re: Home?

 

I'm back. Had a top time in Holland with MMT. Large vodkas, small herrings and male bonding all round. Gave serious thought to staying on in a fugitive capacity, but in the end I had to come back to have one final stab at glory. It's the GIT presentation on Tuesday, you see, and it's kick, bollock, scramble to get the work done. Things are extra-pressurized because Tuesday is also the day certain debts get called in, but I'm sure something will turn up.