e Squared (20 page)

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.28

Subject: Re: Milton Keane

 

Well done on the all-staffer, Susi. Do you think they'll buy it? And have you called the Samaritans?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.31

Subject: Re: Milton Keane

 

Who knows if they'll go for it? Phoning Samaritans now. I'm so, so worried about him. DC's wife is a total mad cow. And she's wrong. Milton definitely has a case against UGG. Anyone involved in the fashion biz (as I am) would tell you that.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.32

Subject: Re: It just got worse

 

Yes, Harvey and Harvey really are his names. He has the unique advantage of being able to switch around first and surname without anyone being any the wiser. How do I begin to describe him? Imagine the retard bastard son of Jim Carrey's character in
The Cable Guy
and Dustin Hoffman's in
Rain Man.
He weirds me out to the point where I can't be in the same room as him.

 

Can't tell you about the brief. Ted made me sign a gagging order.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.35

Subject: Re: It just got worse

 

Oh, you'll tell me. You always tell me everything. You told me about the thing with the thing, remember?

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.38

Subject: Re: Milton Keane

 

My apologies, Susi. Of course Milton isn't gay. And I'm not fucking Irish.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.47

Subject: Re: It just got worse

 

Point taken. But if I tell you, you'd better not tell a living soul or I'll have to murder your arse.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.49

Subject: Re: It just got worse

 

Trust me. Have I ever told anyone about the thing with the thing?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 12 January 2009, 13.59

Subject: Re: It just got worse

 

The brief's for Montana. They've got a product without a marketing concept. Tiny-weeny cigarettes in a tiny-weeny box. They're as slim as budget roll-ups and a lot less satisfying. I just smoked one. Two drags of fuck all. I asked TB why they're making them. Because they can, he said. So they've got the technology. Shame they haven't got a clue. But they're determined to market them and if I don't come up with an idea, I'm doomed.

 

Harvey Harvey just slipped a chain of Post-its under my door. He's Googled midgets. He's calculated there are thousands across Europe (especially in the former Soviet Bloc) and, assuming roughly 30% of them are smokers, there's a ready-made niche market. He's fucked in the head, I tell you. Trouble is I can't come up with a better idea. Or any idea at all. Advice please.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 12 January 2009, 14.11

Subject:

 

If you've finished on suicide watch, get in here and show me how to send a text.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 12 January 2009, 14.21

Subject: Ground rules

 

I'm dead happy—thrilled even—to be working with you, Harvey (I'm using your first name, by the way, and not being rude by calling you by your second), but I need to set you straight on a couple of things. I like my space. Lots of space. That means I won't be camping out in your office. And you won't be camping out in mine. And we certainly won't be cooped up in those fucking beach huts. If you've got any ideas, e-mail them to me.

 

And please don't shove notes under my door. It's kinda creepy.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 14.39

Subject: Re: It just got worse

 

You sent me an e last week, which I filed in my special folder marked “death threats and general hate mail.” It said, and I quote:

Now you want my advice? Piss off.

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 14.41

Subject: Re: Ground rules

 

Great! I love e-mail. I spend my whole day on it. I had an amazing thought this morning. You could tell a whole story just by using e-mails. Imagine an entire novel where you're peeking into people's private inboxes. It could be a murder mystery. Or a wacky comedy! Wouldn't that be brilliant?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 12 January 2009, 14.44

Subject: Re: Ground rules

 

It's been done: Who
Moved My
BlackBerry?
It was shit. And please don't say wacky. It's kinda creepy.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.01

Subject: Re: It just got worse

 

I was upset. I didn't know what I was saying. Besides, I was talking about girlfriend advice, which you're rubbish at. I'm asking for advertising advice. You're genius at that.

 

Got to see a nice policewoman now about a missing photocopier. (Ridiculous. How am I going to get one of those out? Anyone would think I hired a van with a loading lift and came in on a Sunday evening when there's no one around except for a Filipino cleaner who's rendered blind for a fiver.)

 

I expect a list of your ten top ideas upon my return.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.22

Subject: Re: It just got worse

 

You nicked a whole copier? Excellent to see you moving up from the usual swag of paperclips and Post-its. How did it go with the cops? Your exploit has earned you a reprieve. I'll give these Mini Montanas some thought. Not too much though. Crashing a party at the clapped-out twat of stand-up Jim Davidson's tonight.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.26

Subject: Tonight

The kids are busy, so how about just you and me go out for dinner?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.30

Subject: Re: It just got worse

 

Went fine with the cops. They're clutching at straws. Twin of Godley is their prime suspect (presumably on the basis that his desk is nearest to the missing copier). Now got to sift through a fat wad of ideas Double H left on my desk. He writes things up on
Doctor Who
notepaper. Will be using my longest barge pole.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.35

Subject: Re: Tonight

 

You think leaving the kids unattended after the party fiasco at Christmas is a good idea?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.38

Subject: Re: Tonight

 

Takeaway then?

 

From:
Harvey Harvey

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.39

Subject:

 

Hi Liam. Did you find the ideas I left on your desk while you were at your meeting? Let me know what you think. I really like Montana Ambivalent (the small cigarette for the undecided smoker) and Montana Fun Size (the cigarette for when you want a puff but couldn't smoke a whole one). By the way, your dog was thirsty so I made him a nice mug of tea. I found some sugar in your desk drawer. I gave him the whole sachet. He loves it sweet, doesn't he?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.41

Subject: Re:

 

That wasn't sugar, you doofus. No wonder he's so fucking lively.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.42

Subject: Re: Tonight

 

Chinese or Indian? Your choice. And we can talk about names and nursery color schemes.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.44

Subject:

 

Nip to Waterstone's and get me some books on interior decor for kids' rooms. And one on baby names.

 

From:
Neil Godley

To: David Crutton