Eagle's Destiny (46 page)

Debi and I drove home and enlisted Don’s help unloading my pumpkins since Michael wasn’t home yet.  Michael had made a quiche and a fruit bowl for us, which Tammy and I shared for dinner.  Tammy had a study group so I ended up with the dogs waiting for Michael to come home.  Since there was no cell phone reception on the mountain, I couldn’t even call Michael to make sure everything was alright.

At eleven o’clock, I closed down my computer and closed the windows in Michael’s bedroom.  The nights were definitely chillier and his big bedroom was drafty.  I heard Tammy come home an hour earlier and she had checked on me.  She was surprised that Michael had not come home, but she shrugged it off knowing her dad could take care of himself.

I turned out the lights in the bedroom.  I left the small nightlight on in the bathroom.  He had put it in his bathroom when I first started staying over mainly because I kept tripping over everything in the middle of the night.

I woke up at one and reached out across the bed.  No Michael.  I checked my cell phone and no voice mail messages either.  I was beginning to worry about him.  This was not like him.  At two in the morning, I heard the bedroom door open.  I switched the light on and Michael was creeping in.  He was trying to be quiet but I was used to being a light sleeper especially when I was alone.

“Michael, it’s so late.”

“Sorry baby, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”  He had a silly grin on his face. 

I got out of bed and put my robe on because it was cold in the room.  I put my arms around him and kissed him while he was trying to take his shoes off and almost knocked him over.

“Careful Babe.”  He said.

The look on my face must have said it all, “Michael, have you been drinking?”

“The guys and I stopped tonight and grabbed a few beers.”  He said lightly.

“It smells like more than a few beers.  Michael did you drive like this?”

He shook his head no, “Frank drove me home.”

I stepped back from him and knew my face showed disapproval.  “Michael, you’re drunk.  Why didn’t you call me?”

Michael looked at me and his anger was rising, “Oh Elizabeth now you
sound just like Margaret.  I definitely don’t need that tonight.”

My voice rose, “You don’t need to bring Margaret into the conversation.  I just said you could have called me.  Didn’t you think that I’d be waiting for you?”

“Look Elizabeth, lower your voice.”  Michael said with a bite in his voice, “You don’t need to wake up Tammy.”

“You might have thought about that before you came home at two.”

“I would like to go to bed, I’m very tired.”

“Fine.  You go to bed, but we need to talk tomorrow.”  I made a move toward the door to leave.

Michael grabbed my arm to stop me, “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to my house.  You don’t expect me to sleep with you, not in the condition you’re in, do you?  Let go of me.”  I wriggled free of his grip.  My mouth was like cotton.  I certainly didn’t envision this night having an argument with Michael, not after all the thoughts I had about him before I fell asleep.

“Is that your solution to everything?  Running away Elizabeth?  You really need to start confronting issues instead of running away from them.”  He scowled at me.

I turned around to face him.  “Oh really?  You’re the one who said he wanted to sleep.  Well buddy, since you’re so wide-awake, then I will confront you.  You better sit down for this one.”  I was surprised when he actually did as I said.  I stood over him and looked down.  I crossed my arms over my chest.  “I don’t think that I can believe anything you say to me.  I never really get the whole story from you.  It’s always in little pieces never a complete story.”

He raised his eyebrows and looked back at me, “Oh really like when?”

“Oh you want examples?  You know exactly what you do, when we drove to Calistoga you forgot to mention that we were actually visiting your grandmother.  You gave me no opportunity to say no, that maybe I didn’t want
to
visit.”

“That’s just another example of you running away and not wanting to get involved with people.  I knew if I told you that you wouldn’t want to go.”  He frowned.

“So you gave me no chance of maybe saying yes.  You just decided to spring it on me like your relationship with Tommy and Marie.  Did you forget to mention that this was your best friend?  No, I think you knew exactly what you were doing.  It’s like you’re parsing your life out to me in what you think are palatable amounts.  I hate it!”

Michael stood up and towered over me.  “And what about you?  You’re hiding the Kevin abuse from everyone, aren’t
you?
  You came back up here because you wanted to run away from the situation instead of confronting Kevin and telling him to leave you the hell alone!”  Michael said it with so
much force that I actually took a step back.  Michael saw me flinch and his expression on his face changed to a pained one.

He sat on the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands.  “Margaret hated my family and friends.  She actually called my grandmother a witch.  Well, that was the last time Margaret was welcome in my grandmother
’s house.  And, she hated Marie.  S
he tried to seduce Tommy one time.  Tommy!  Can you believe it?  Tommy didn’t tell me until years later because he didn’t want it to ruin our friendship.  He thought I would have never believed him.  Yes, I used to hold back information to Margaret since she would normally blow a gasket if I ever planned something.”  He looked up at me openly, “I didn’t want to make another mistake with you.”  He whispered.

I kneeled down in front of him.  “I’m not Margaret.”  I whispered back.

He blew out a large breath and ran his hand through his hair, “I know that Elizabeth.  You’ve never made me feel like she did.”

I answered him sincerely, “Then Michael, you can trust me.  Tell me the whole story, and trust me with the facts.  Trust me to make the right decision.”

Michael nodded mutely.

“Can you trust me with one more thing?”  I asked quietly.

“Yes.”  He answered simply.

I sat next to him on the bed, “Tell me about Nicki.”

Michael groaned, “Why do you want to know that?  That is ancient history.  It’s over, and it’s been over twenty years.”

I looked at him fully, “Michael, you loved Nicky and something destroyed the two of you.  I need to make sure it won’t happen to us.”

He shook his head, “I don’t think there are any chances of it happening to us, but if you really want to know?”

“I really want to know.”  I said adamantly.  I took his hand in mine.

“Well, I guess after our first big fight, it would be a sign of good faith on my part wouldn’t it?”

I grinned at him, “We’re not done fighting yet.”

“Oh?”  He said cautiously.

“Yes,” I nodded.  “We have my supposed running away issues to deal with.”

“Not tonight though.”

“No,” I answered, “Not tonight, but soon.”

While I continued to sit on the edge of the bed, he leaned back into the pillows on the bed and launched into his story.  Nicki and Michael were not particularly close when they were young, but her parents moved to Oakland around the time that Michael and she were juniors in high school.  She didn’t know anyone else and
since
Christina was younger, it fell to Michael to spend time with Nicki.

I pictured the prom picture of Nicki, and she was striking.  A tall, brunette beauty and I was sure that Michael at sixteen would have had no problem spending time with her.  They started dating slowly and no one had suspected that he had fallen in love with her.  It was natural for them to be together.  One thing led to another and they began to be intimate.

At this point, of his story I looked over at him with shocked eyes, “Before you were eighteen?”

He laughed and I could tell he was thinking back to those days, “Yes, before we were eighteen.  There was no way Nicki could go to her mother and ask her to go on birth control in those days, so we were v
ery careful.  Come on Elizabeth.  D
on’t look at me that way.  I was a randy teenager with raging hormones.”

He continued to explain that by the end of high school they both decided to attend UC Santa Cruz.  At first, they were in dorms, which put a major cramp into their romance even though the dorms were co-ed.  Michael ended up hooking up with Tommy and Markus, and they decided to share a house,
which
made being with Nicki much easier.  After college, they planned to live together first and then after they had established their careers, to get married.

“Nicki was never good about taking the pill on a regular basis,” he said, and then his voice hitched, “she didn’t tell me before she…”  He paused and I looked at him.  His eyes closed and his shoulders shook quietly, I didn’t realize that he was crying until I saw the first tear roll down his cheek.  He covered his face with his forearm.  “
Damn
,” he cried, “after twenty-five years it still hits me hard.”

My thoughts took me a moment to collect and then I realized what Michael had been leading to, “Nicki got pregnant,” I said faintly, “and she had an abortion.”  My voice was barely above a whisper.  I wanted to reach out to him but I didn’t know how to do it.

The anguish in his voice was clear and it cut through me making it hard to breath. 

“I’m sorry Michael.  It was selfish of me to make you tell me.” 

I wished I had never seen the picture of Nicki in the photo album.  I had caused the pain that Michael was now feeling. 

“Why did she do it?  She never told me.  She just went ahead and swept the baby away without me knowing.  I hated her for it.”  Michael spoke but I wasn’t sure it was to me he was speaking.

I got up, turned the lights off, and then lay back down next to him.  At first, he didn’t register me being there but eventually he reached out to me and I wrapped my arms around him.  We slept like this, him fully dressed and me in my robe until dawn.

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

When I awoke, he was gone from the bed.  The quilt covered me and my robe
was
still belted tightly around me.  Stiff from sleeping in one position all night I got up slowly from the bed and looked out the window.  Michael sat at the edge of the dock.

Michael stared into space when I approached him on the dock.  The ducks had already flown south for the winter.  He squinted up at me and patted the spot next to him.  I sat down next to him with foreboding.  This was not the way he normally greeted me in the morning this reflective Michael was alarming. 

“Elizabeth, after our talk last night I stayed awake thinking about everything that was said.”  Michael held my hand in both of his.

I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to cry but I could feel the tears brimming up.  I did not want to hear what he had to say.  I wanted to run away.  Michael had been right.

He continued, “Things between the two of us has been moving fast, it might be time for a cooling off period.”

Inside my entire being was screaming NO!  Oh, please no.  My voice shook when I spoke, “What do you mean by cooling off period?  Do you not want to see me anymore?”  The tears were so close to coming.  I took a breath and it hurt to breathe.  Was something crushing my chest?  No, it was probably just my heart shattering.  The tears one by one started to fall down my face,

“You said you loved me.”  I whispered the words and they were almost inaudible.

“Babe, I do love you,
and
that
is
why I think it might be a good idea if we take it slow for a while.  We need to learn more about each other.  I don’t want to take you for granted and I think that is what I did last night.  I’m making you do a lot of the care for Tammy and I shouldn’t.”

“But I like to take care of Tammy.”  I protested the tears falling harder.

He cupped my face in his hands.  I moved away from him, which took him by surprise. 

“I don’t understand your rules Michael.  Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

“That’s exactly the problem Elizabeth, I feel like you are forming yourself to what I want.  I want you to be who you are and to not get dragged down with my problems.”  His voice laced with an edge of regret.  “Babe, I want you to be true to yourself.  I don’t want to smother you.”

“So are we not to see each other?”  I asked.

Michael reached for me again and I let him, “Let’s date again.”

I scowled, “I thought that’s what we were doing.”

“Elizabeth, we are essentially living together, which is my fault.”

“So you don’t want to live with me?”

Michael shook his head and stared up as if he was searching for the words, “No, I do want to live with you and I do want you in my bed every night, but I think we both need more time.”

I stood up abruptly.  “Okay.  We’ll give it more time.”  Michael didn’t try to stop me as I started to walk away.  I turned around and he looked at me, “Let me know when you’re ready Michael.”  He didn’t answer.

I walked back to his house.  Tammy was up and in the kitchen when I walked in after dressing and gathering my belongings from his bedroom.  I took the framed picture of
us that
he had taken the previous week.  He had given it to me, it was mine, and it was coming with me.

Tammy saw me carrying my possessions, “You and Dad had a big argument last night.”  She said it as a statement and not a question.

I nodded again trying to hold back tears.

“So will you still be around?”

I smiled and nodded, “Of course Tammy, I’m just next door.  This does not affect you and me at all.  You are always welcome to come over anytime and you know you never have to knock.  Your dad and I need a little breathing space.  Whenever your dad isn’t home, make sure you bring the dogs over to me for the day.”

She smiled encouragingly, “I will.”

“When you get home from school this afternoon, come over and we’ll carve the pumpkins, okay?”

“It’s a date.”

I left Michael’s house and of course, the tears came streaming down my face once again.  What did Michael mean by cooling off?  Did he even want to see me anymore?  I let myself into my house and went straight into my bedroom.  As I passed the front window, I could see Michael still sitting on the edge of the dock with his back turned to the houses.  I closed the drapes in my living room and closed the blinds in my bedroom.  I knew the
dogs were anticipating their run, but I didn’t want even the slightest chance
of encountering
Michael again, not this morning.  Crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head, I needed
time
to think.  Samantha and Topper were happy cuddling up next to me while I put my head back on my pillows.  I had forgotten to take my pillows that I had left on Michael’s bed and frowned to myself that I needed to retrieve them later, much later.

Surprisingly I fell asleep and woke up two hours later feeling groggy.  I got out of bed and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror.  I was a sight with swollen eyes from crying, and dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping last night.  A long groan came from deep inside, but I had resolved to myself not to cry. 

The shower made me feel better, somehow it always did.  I braided my hair and put on shorts and a t-shirt.  The day was warming up and appeared as if we were in for a warming trend even though the nights would probably stay cool.  In the shower, I had considered my options.  I wanted to fly down to Los Angeles, but with the house closing escrow soon that was not a practical idea.  I definitely did not want to stay with my sister or my father because I did not want to explain my visit.  Nancy wasn’t an option either because she was off visiting Marcus in New Orleans and expected to be there through Halloween.  Besides, a trip to Los Angeles would be running away as Michael so adroitly observed. 

My book deadline was quickly approaching, but after the emotional upheaval there wasn’t much romance left in my heart to write about,  Since that had never stopped me before, I fired up my lap top and sat at my desk hoping inspiration would strike me.  Unfortunately, the only thing that did strike me was my continuous thoughts about Michael.  That would teach me to base one of my characters on a real person.

Inspiration finally hit me and I was lost in the world of my romance novel so deeply that I didn’t hear Tammy come into the room.  “Elizabeth, it’s me Tammy.”  She called walking in from the back door.  “Elizabeth?”  She called again.

I heard her and held my hand up not turning around.  She knew this was a signal to wait for a moment while I finished the paragraph.  I turned in my chair after a few minutes and she was already sitting at my dining room table with a small pumpkin in front of her.

“Hey, how was school today?”  I asked, walking over to look at the pumpkin she chose.

“Good.”  She said.

I handed her a tarp to put on the table along with some newspapers, then opened the refrigerator. 

“I don’t think I’ve eaten today.” 

My refrigerator was empty.  I’d forgotten that Michael had all the food at his house.  I made a mental note that I would need to get to the grocery
store.

Tammy turned to me, “You haven’t eaten today?”  She had a worried look on her face.

I shook my head, “No, I wasn’t hungry until now.” 

I opened the freezer and only found the chicken for the dogs and an old box of frozen pizza appetizers.

Tammy finished laying out the newspapers on the table.  “I can’t believe you don’t have any food.  Dad didn’t bring over some lunch?”

I shook my head and smiled.  “Tammy, don’t worry about me.  I’m not going to starve.  I just need to go shopping.”  I pulled out the pumpkin carving knife sets out of the drawer and handed them to her.  She laid out the tools while I picked up the phone and called Debi.  “Hey,” I said when Debi answered.  “We’re ready for you and Betsy.  Oh and can you bring me a sandwich please?”  I hung up the phone. 

Debi and Betsy arrived about fifteen minutes later.  Debi brought a platter of sandwiches, brownies, and sodas.  She looked a little dubious at me and I flashed a look that I would explain later.  I quickly ate half a sandwich and we began the pumpkin carving process.

Pumpkin carving was an art that I practiced every year.  Both my mother and my aunt loved Halloween so Lisa and I learned early to join in the festivities.  Aunt Ruth and Joe had started the annual Halloween party over twenty years ago and it became a perennial favorite of the town.  With the cabin being the last house on the lane, we never received many trick-or-treaters.  Instead, the Halloween party substituted for our festivities.

During the day, the kids participated in pumpkin carving and costume contests.  Our baseball club always made enough money selling waffle ice cream cones at our booth to buy us new baseball equipment for the following year.  At night,
we had
a big costume dance for the adults and an onsite day care for the kids to enjoy their own nighttime spooky activities.  The pumpkin-carving contest was one of my favorites and I had won my share of blue ribbons. 

Annie helped me make my costume this year, and I had hoped to overwhelm Michael with it, but now I did not know what was going to happen.  I was certain however that I was not going to pass up Halloween.

We sat together around my table carving pumpkins, eating sandwiches and brownies, and laughing.  It felt good to laugh after the day that I had.  Debi and I stepped outside to get some fresh air leaving Tammy and Betsy to work on their pumpkins.

“So what happened darling?”  Debi asked as she settled down in the
front
porch chair.

Sitting opposite her, I nibbled on the edges of the brownie in my hand and sighed, “Michael and I had a fight last night.”

She nodded, “Yeah, he was really drunk.  Frank dropped off Don last
night too.  The boys had too much beer.  Thank goodness, they had the sense to let Frank drive them home.  What did you argue about?”

“It wasn’t the argument
,
it was afterward.”  I knew my face showed as gloomy.

“What happened?”

“This morning,” I fought back the tears.  I did not want to cry again.  Clearing my throat, “Michael said we needed to cool things down between the two of us, and that things were moving a little too fast.”

“And what do you think?”  Debi leaned forward in the chair putting her hand on my knee.

“Michael’s response to our argument was confusing and hurtful to me, and I don’t know what to think or where we stand.”  I sighed again looking out at the lake.  We would have a full moon for Halloween this year.  I placed my hand on top of hers and directed my gaze back at her. 

Debi pursed her lips and squeezed my hand.  “Want to know what I think?”

I nodded.

Debi smiled, “I think you have scared Michael to death.  I don’t believe he has ever met anyone like you.  You are an amazing woman.”  She chuckled, “Not only are you beautiful, but you are talented, strong, and have made your own way in the world.”

“Oh stop it Debi.  I’m not any of those things.”  I disputed.

Debi looked back at me in amazement.  “Girl, you are all those things and more.  I know more than one man in this town, who is either scared or in awe of you.  Yep!  You have frightened our little boy who probabl
y always had it easy with women.  With
his good
looks,
I wouldn’t be surprised that all he would need to do is crook his little finger and they would come running.  With you
however
, he has watched other men watch you and probably has realized that if he isn’t careful he could lose you.”  She sat back in the chair satisfied with her answer.

We sat a while longer and then the two girls came looking for us to get our approval on their pumpkins.  As we stepped back inside, there was a knock on the back door.  Debi and I looked at each other and I shrugged my shoulders.

“Come on in,” I yelled from the dining room table.

It was Michael.  He came into the room and the whole room seemed to light up with his presence.  He looked uncomfortable standing by the kitchen.  “Hi Debi, girls, Elizabeth can I talk to you for a moment?”

I nodded and walked up to him, ignoring my desire to throw my arms around him.  I silently told myself to show control. 

“What’s up?”  I asked.

He paused,
and
everyone’s eyes were on him, “Can we talk outside?”

“Sure.”  I walked out to the back porch with him behind me.  He closed
the back door as he stepped outside.  The room we left was quiet and I was sure there were three people trying to listen in. 
W
e stood very close.

Michael stepped back to put more space between us.  “I’m going down to San Diego, to the zoo tomorrow.”

He had already told me about the project he was beginning with the zoo.  We had talked about me perhaps going down with him, but then I silently guessed that this was not why Michael wanted to talk to me.  I also inferred that I probably would not be going with him.