Early Dawn (43 page)

Scanning the ground ahead of them for horse or mule tracks, Matthew asked, “What do you need to talk to me about, honey?”

She took a deep breath and slowly released it. “I heard the last of your conversation with Ace and Joseph, Matthew.”

“And?”

“I’m very upset. We nearly
died
today. Do you know how close I came to putting a bullet in my brain? I feel so blessed that we were given another chance, so grateful to God for looking out for us. And now you intend to put yourself in harm’s way yet again to go after men who will shoot you on sight?”

“It’s something I have to do. I’ve never lied to you about that, Eden, and I thought you understood.”

“I
did
understand, Matthew, but things are different now.”

“Different how?”

Eden couldn’t believe he’d asked her that. Wasn’t it obvious to him? He had
her
in his life now, and if he truly loved her, how could he think about leaving her and possibly never coming back?

“It’s time to let go of the past, Matthew. You’ve already been after the Sebastians for three years. If you go after them again, you could be gone another three, or never return at all. Can you imagine how terrified that makes me?”

“I’m sorry it frightens you, honey.” He drew his horse to a stop and turned to her. “You just have to have faith in me. This is unfinished business for me. I can’t let it go. What kind of man could turn his back on what they did to you, not to mention Livvy?”

“I’m fine, though, Matthew. I lived through it and came out on the other side with my sanity. What more can either of us ask? I
love
you. What if I’m pregnant, and you’re not there to see our first child born?”

He gazed off into the trees behind her. After what seemed like an eternity, he said, “I’ll see the baby when I get back. If I head out after them right away, I probably won’t be gone long. We took out James and Pete today. That leaves only three. My odds are a lot better now. I’ll take care of it and come back for you before you even know I’m gone.”

She already felt as if he were gone, and it made her desolate. “You can’t promise me that. You could be killed. Where will that leave me, Matthew? And what will I tell our child, that his father had unfinished business that mattered more to him than anything else?”

“That isn’t fair. I made a vow, Eden.”

“To Livvy?”

“Yes, and to myself.”

“Livvy’s
gone
, Matthew. If you love me, truly love me, you’ll let go of your need for vengeance and build a life with me.”

“I want nothing more than that, but first I have to do this. If you love
me
, truly love me, you’ll try to understand that.”

His sun-burnished face suddenly swam in Eden’s vision, and she realized she was looking at him through tears. She shook her head. “I truly do love you, Matthew, but I’m not willing to live a life overshadowed by hatred and revenge. Sometimes people have to let go and move on. The authorities will eventually run the Sebastians to ground. They’ll pay for all the terrible, evil things they’ve done. It isn’t
your
job to punish them.”

“I feel that it is.” He jerked off his hat and raked his fingers through his hair. “I love you, honey. Please don’t do this.”

“I guess you don’t love me quite enough.”

“Don’t say that. My need to get the Sebastians has nothing to do with how much I love you. I even plan to marry you before I head out. Would a man who didn’t love you do that?”

“I won’t marry a man who doesn’t love me with his whole heart, Matthew. I settled for something less than the genuine article once. I learned from it.”

“Don’t compare me to John.”

“How can I not? For him, money came first. For you, it’s revenge. Either way, I end up taking second place.” Tears spilled onto her cheeks and went cold in the evening breeze. “I can live with your love for Livvy and always will, Matthew, but I can’t live with your putting her first. If you do this, then you’re telling me, loud and clear, that a promise you made to her is more important than your promises to me.”

“That isn’t so.” He frowned at her. “What promises?”

“That we’ll stick together. You
promised
, and now you’re talking about leaving me again.”

“Eden, you’re the most important thing in the world to me.”

“More important than your vow to avenge Livvy’s death?”

When he didn’t immediately reply, Eden had her answer. She felt as if a cruel fist were squeezing tighter and tighter around her heart. She stared at his dear face, knowing that he did love her in his way. But for her, that wasn’t enough.

“If you’re bent on going, Matthew, go,” she managed to push out. “Just know this. I won’t wait for a man who puts me second, and if you leave, that’s what you’ll be doing.”

She turned her mount then and rode back toward her brothers. With every breath she drew, she prayed that Matthew would come after her, but he didn’t, and when she reined her horse around to glance back, he’d disappeared into the forest.

 

When Eden got back to the stream, her brothers had already finished burying the two Sebastians and were setting up camp near the water for the night. Ace, who was laying a fire, took one look at her face and pushed to his feet.

“What’s wrong?”

Struggling not to cry, Eden shook her head. She swung off the horse and went off by herself into the woods. When she found a fallen log, she sat down and buried her face in her hands.
Matthew
. She loved him so much, so
very
much. After John had broken their engagement, she’d wondered at herself for feeling more anger than pain over his betrayal. There was no anger in her this time, just a huge ache in every part of her body that made it difficult to move or breathe.

She started erect when she felt a hand settle on her shoulder. For a wild moment, she thought Matthew had changed his mind and come looking for her, but it was only Ace.

“What is it, Eden?”

“Matthew and I . . . well, we’ve had a terrible fight.”

Ace frowned, and his voice went up a decibel in volume.
“What?”

“He’s going after the Sebastians even though I begged him not to. It’s over between us.”

He stared at her. “
What?
An hour ago, both of you were professing your undying devotion to each other.”

“If he really loved me, Ace, he’d stay with me and build a future with me. Instead, he’s honoring a promise he made to his dead wife and going after those animals, even though he knows he may end up getting killed.”

Ace sighed and pushed to his feet to pace in agitated circles. “This is crazy. You either love the man or you don’t.”

“I love him,” she said tremulously. “So much I can barely breathe when I think about losing him.”

“Then grow up!”

Eden felt as if Ace had slapped her. She sent him a shocked look.

“I love you, Eden, always have and always will, but that doesn’t make me blind to your faults. When you get upset or angry, you lose all perspective, letting fly with whatever words shoot through your brain and doing things you regret later. Pardon me for saying so, but you’re a little spoiled around the edges.”

“Spoiled?”
Eden shot to her feet, fists clenched at her sides. “How
dare
you say such a thing to me! I am
not
spoiled.”

“Spoiled, headstrong, hot-tempered, stubborn, and as unpredictable as the weather. Those traits do
not
go over well in a relationship.” He swung his arm in the direction she and Matthew had ridden a while ago. “You told me that man has put his life on the line for you countless times. How can you think for an instant that he doesn’t love you with all his heart? I’ll tell you how—because he made the fatal mistake of refusing to let you have your own way.”

“That is
not
what this is about! I
love
him, and he’s . . . he’s determined to go after those skunks and get
shot
! He promised never to leave me again, and now he’s going to break that promise! He should honor his word and
stay
with me.”

Ace sank back down onto the log. With a ragged sigh, he said, “Eden, wanting a man constantly at your side isn’t a reasonable expectation.”

She didn’t want to be reasonable. She wanted Matthew to love her as much as she loved him.

“Sometimes a man has to leave, and sometimes he has to put his life at risk. That’s just the way it is. A mature woman who truly loves a man may not like it, but she understands and gives him her blessing.”

“Since marrying Caitlin, name me one time,
one
single time, when you’ve hared off and put your life at risk!”

Ace looked Eden dead in the eye and said softly, “Five weeks ago, when I took off after a dangerous gang to find my sister.”

She stared at him through a burning mist of tears, her mouth quivering, her hands still knotted into fists. “That’s unfair. I was in danger, and you came to rescue me. Matthew has no one to rescue. He’s just got a maggot in his brain about getting even with Livvy’s killers.”

Ace gave her one of those relentless looks she knew all too well. “Have you stopped to think his anger at them for what they did to
you
may be first in his mind right now? Did he specifically
say
this will all be for—what was her name?”

“Livvy! And it goes without saying.”

“He never mentioned that he also feels a need to avenge you?”

Eden bent her head. “I
hate
you sometimes.”

“Ah.” Ace laughed, stood, and put an arm around her rigid shoulders. “Can I take that to mean he
did
toss your name into the mix when he was trying to explain his reasons for going after them?”

“Yes, but I was secondary.”

“Bullshit.” Ace hooked a hand under her chin and lifted her face. After brushing away her tears, he said, “I spoke with the man. I saw the love he has for you in his eyes. They hurt his dead wife, and now they’ve hurt you. Matthew can’t turn his back on that. Maybe he’s thinking wrong, and maybe he’ll change his mind, but if he doesn’t, it’s your job as the woman who loves him to understand and support him. Instead, it sounds to me as if you threw a temper tantrum.”

“I do
not
have temper tantrums.”

“Really? I guess you’ve changed since I saw you last.”

Eden wanted to slug him.

Ace sighed. “Sweetheart, I know it scares you to death knowing he may get hurt or even killed, but don’t castrate him with your love.”

Eden couldn’t believe he would say such a thing.
“What?”

“You heard me. The man loves you. You have the power to bring him to heel and have him following you around like a well-trained bull with a ring in its nose.”

Eden could only wish. “No, I don’t. He made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that I come second to his need for vengeance.”

“He’ll think about it and change his mind. You’ve given him no choice. He either stays with you, or he loses you.”

Eden’s heart soared with hope, but Ace immediately dashed it. “Problem is, he’ll be giving up on something he truly needs to do, and he’ll never again feel the same about who he is or what he stands for. Is that what you want, to keep him at your side, even if it means he loses his self-respect?”

He bent to kiss her forehead, then turned to walk back to camp. Over his shoulder, he said, “Brat. But you’re still my favorite sister.”

“I’m your
only
sister!” she shouted after him. “How about giving
me
some support?”

“Not when you’re making the worst mistake of your life.”

Eden watched him go and then sank back down onto the log.
Spoiled?
That was absolutely not true. She didn’t expect to get her own way all the time. And she was
not
trying to castrate Matthew with her love.

Was she? It bothered Eden deeply to think she could ever be that selfish. But even so, she couldn’t forget that moment when she’d asked Matthew what was more important to him, her or a promise he’d made to a dead woman. His silence had pierced her heart. She needed some time to wrestle with that.

 

Eden’s brothers had brought along an extra bedroll for her. She slept near the fire that night, closer to Joseph and David than to Matthew. Over supper, he’d tried to catch her gaze several times, but she refused to look at him. The pain she felt when she did went indescribably deep.
Second-best
. Why was she always tossed only crumbs when she wanted the entire loaf? Why could a man never love her with his whole heart and soul? Was it some horrible flaw within her that she wasn’t objective enough to see?

She yearned to curl into a ball and cry herself to sleep, but her pride wouldn’t allow it. Matthew might hear and come to her. If he so much as touched her hair and spoke to her in that low, silky voice, she would fall apart. If he meant to go, she wouldn’t cling and cry or beg. It was his decision, and she would accept it with her head held high. She would never let him know how small he’d made her feel out there in the forest, or how deeply he’d hurt her. When she recalled their lovemaking, she cringed. She’d given him all of herself, holding nothing back, and she’d foolishly believed he had done the same. But the entire while he’d kept a part of himself walled off, not loving her completely and absolutely, the way she loved him.

Eden slept that night in fits and starts, and was awake when the first pink streaks of early dawn brightened the sky. Tired of lying there on the hard ground, she dealt with her bedding and then went to the creek to wash the sleep from her eyes. She wasn’t really surprised when Matthew spoke from behind her.

“Sweetheart, can we talk?”

Maintaining a crouch, she turned to look up at him. Her heart squeezed with pain because she’d come to love every plane and angle of his face, every wisp of dark hair. Shaking her hands dry, she asked, “About what?”